"No shame" for male domestic abuse victims, says scalded victim

originally posted by: agenda51
a reply to: Anyafaj

I am not trying insulting you so I hope you dont take it that way. like I said if you were so smart you wouldn't be so messed up. I do think you honestly think your smart though possibly do to years of self deception. I have impressive transcripts as well....so what. its not that hard if you do what your told and study. It doesnt mean I am smart I just did what I was supposed to do.

maybe its a smart vs intelligence thing though.

You obviously like attention or crave it. Its obvious with your posts. Its an attempt to legitimize the feeling of self importance...that you are some how special etc. because you lack respect for yourself. Its a self centered attitude that will only cause you inner turmoil. W hen you get these feelings try to always ask yourself WHY? WHY do I feel this way? How you feel psychologically is internal. Its perspective. When someone says something to you and you feel insulted its not their fault...its yours. goes back to the old saying...the truth hurts. If they are not trying to be insulting then again your just grasping at anything to place attention on yourself......"hey your insulting me! I am important!" and that doesnt work either.

try this... If I tell someone the truth and they call me a lier... why would I feel insulted?

Its the self deception where it gets tricky. I tell a lie....I know its a lie deep down.....but I have to deceive myself to hide it. Now someone calls me a lier...it starts to break down the wall of deception I have built and I feel under attack...so i then lash out or feel attacked. This is very often how the mind works.

this is all part of why. i think philosophy might help you. I dont read it LOL. I kind of figured myself out in other ways, harder ways. It really doesnt matter how you get there though as long as you get there. some people never do and they are miserable their whole lives. as good as cooking is for a hobby I am not sure how much it can help you in this. I definitely would not try and find answers in relationships with others. Thats not going to work. It may distract you from yourself for a short time. The answers are within you. From what I have read you still have not found the questions though. This coming from a running theme of self deception i see in your posts.

Whatever. I'm done. I don't need to validate myself with you. I happen to enjoy the news I will stick with what I enjoy without having another male telling me no. And as for whether cooking can "help" me or not, IDGAF, I enjoy it, I will continue doing it. 20 flipping years of a guy telling me what to do or not to do, I'll be darned if I add another to the list, that I don't even know, at that!

I am in a state of happiness in my life, I plan on staying that way. You're welcome to think what you wish to think.

a reply to: Anyafaj

You know the truth. Don't listen to others who make posts to elevate their own sense of person and grandiose.

Everyone has an agenda.

Peace, Anyafaj.

originally posted by: and14263
a reply to: Anyafaj

You know the truth. Don't listen to others who make posts to elevate their own sense of person and grandiose.

Everyone has an agenda.

Peace, Anyafaj.

Thank you And. I appreciate that. This Thread was created to bring awareness to an issue, but instead it seems more about how messed up my life is. How about we get back to the issue at hand.

a reply to: and14263

It has taken true grit/pain to come to this conclusion. I'm only two weeks in too this strange new world. Thank you for the kind words.

a reply to: IvanAstikov

if that were true she would probably be dead right now. Heck, she did it to him twice and he still managed to not beat her to death. Him being some sort of "big fat bully" does not gell with his actions after being attacked by this woman. Like i said...incredible restraint.

a reply to: Anyafaj

nobody is telling you to do anything. This is how your interpreting it because your still in a stage of denial and completely self absorbed. your still blaming others for bad things in your life claiming to be a victim. W hen you stop seeing yourself and acting like a victim it will begin to turn around. Right now your just victimizing yourself.

all this talk about how "messed up" you are is a result of YOU putting all this deeply personal information out to a bunch of strangers. In every post you make you go on and on talking about......Yourself. The only time your not doing it is when your blaming others. Thats why I suggest you stay out of relationships with other people until you work out your own issues.

Your either going to continue down this path of self canibalism or figure yourself out to turn it around and have a better life. All that is up to YOU through. Nobody can tell you to do it. Nobody can fix you except You. I sincerely wish you good luck.

If you want the thread to get away from how "Messed Up" you are then just stop talking about yourself. Its very strange that you reveal these private issues publicly and then run away from them though. These kind actions are very revealing.

no hard feelings on my end though. Have a good one.

a reply to: agenda51

Modern Women are conditioned into some sort of false sense of importance. The day they realize they are just like everyone else and life doesn't owe them happiness is the day they start to recover.

I'm afraid to say that after reading your replies on this thread 'agenda51' it is quite clear the the one with issues is you. You clearly have issues with women and get off on putting them down. I'll leave it there because what follows is your private life and past which has turned you into a disillusioned young man who has ideas of himself which are clearly above his station.

I'm not willing to derail this thread further, you've done a good enough job of that already.

I wonder how similar you are to either the male or female in the story quoted in the OP.

A big problem is how skewed the legal system is against men that are abused. If a man calls 911 about his abusive wife, all the woman has to do is tell the cops it was the man's fault and he's the one getting arrested.

For a lot of men I know, there really isn't any "out" for their abuse (or at least they don't see any). The deck is stacked against them, and their afraid to call out for help.This isn't due to their masculinity being called into question either. They don't want to be arrested.

I've read testimonials where the man had an entire violent episode videotaped and it was thrown out by a judge, and the man was still found to be at fault, even though he never acted violently at the woman. Men hear these stories and loose all hope that anything can be done for them.

There is a definite reason men in the 20's and 30's aren't getting married. The risks are just to high, and the court/legal system is just to stacked against them. When you start considering the divorce rates and how biased the courts are against men, guys just are opting out. On top of all of that, men don't have any reproductive rights to speak of either.

I've had a woman go complete nuts on me, even getting physical. I tried to run away and hide in the bathroom, but she kept jamming herself into the door frame. I pulled out my phone to call 911 and she started to make threats like, "I'll tell them you hit me, you'll be the one in jail tonight. I've got bruises and scratches (no real bruises, but a scratch the cat made on her) to prove it!"

The reality may not be so bad, but a lot of men perceive it that way and end up staying in abusive relationships, silently suffering.

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
A big problem is how skewed the legal system is against men that are abused. If a man calls 911 about his abusive wife, all the woman has to do is tell the cops it was the man's fault and he's the one getting arrested.

For a lot of men I know, there really isn't any "out" for their abuse (or at least they don't see any). The deck is stacked against them, and their afraid to call out for help.This isn't due to their masculinity being called into question either. They don't want to be arrested.

I've read testimonials where the man had an entire violent episode videotaped and it was thrown out by a judge, and the man was still found to be at fault, even though he never acted violently at the woman. Men hear these stories and loose all hope that anything can be done for them.

There is a definite reason men in the 20's and 30's aren't getting married. The risks are just to high, and the court/legal system is just to stacked against them. When you start considering the divorce rates and how biased the courts are against men, guys just are opting out. On top of all of that, men don't have any reproductive rights to speak of either.

I've had a woman go complete nuts on me, even getting physical. I tried to run away and hide in the bathroom, but she kept jamming herself into the door frame. I pulled out my phone to call 911 and she started to make threats like, "I'll tell them you hit me, you'll be the one in jail tonight. I've got bruises and scratches (no real bruises, but a scratch the cat made on her) to prove it!"

The reality may not be so bad, but a lot of men perceive it that way and end up staying in abusive relationships, silently suffering.

Sadly that is the reality. I think for some people, they freeze up and don't know what to do in the situation if confronted with it, and for some, they see the man as "weak", even though that is not the case.


Possible trigger for some, how people react in public to a guy being beat by a woman (experiment)

I know that when I was being berated, put down, yelled at, and had her going nuts on me in public...

No one would bat an eye, people would just mind their own business, regardless of the fact she was screaming at the top of her lungs all sorts of profanities at me.

Now, if the tables were turned and it was I who was doing the verbal lashing, I'd no doubt have some other men step in and try to calm me down.

I think we're seeing a higher instance of borderline personality disorder in modern society. People are going for 0-60mph with badger-like rage. Generally, a person with borderline personality disorder suffers from a deep-rooted emotional issue with abandonment. With the divorce rates as they are, and single parent households on the rise, it's no surprise that the current generation of 20-30 somethings have abandonment issues. Turning to anger and violence is the only way they know how to deal with the intense fear of potentially being abandoned or not loved -- even if these feelings aren't true.

I have immense patience, and have had to learn very important coping skills and communication techniques due to some very, very violent and emotional women. Most men, however, never take the time to learn these things and sadly suffer or turn to violence themselves eventually.

a reply to: MystikMushroom

You're absolutely correct. A lot of men in the U.S. stay in abusive relationships either out of financial or judicial fear. If children are involved it only complicates the issue. Society has turned a blind eye to the plight of men in many ways. If a woman is involved, the courts immediately side with her unless overwhelming evidence of her abuse is shown, and in many cases even this isn't enough. Women overwhelmingly win the majority of custody battles, unless again they're proven to be so entirely incapable of rearing a child that it's beyond reproach, and again sometimes even that isn't enough. Even if men DO get custody of the child, many times they have to raise that child on their own, since there are very few cases of mothers being forced to pay child support.

Men stay quiet in abusive relationships. Is some of it shame? Perhaps. I think we as a society are moving beyond shaming people for being abused (slowly), but I think it's more of a fear of the backlash that is almost certain to occur when a man finally stands up and says enough, and calls the police. All the woman has to do either claim he hit her, or abused her in some way and the man's life is essentially ruined. They could lose their jobs, home, even their very freedom for daring to report the abuse, and that's sad.

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
I know that when I was being berated, put down, yelled at, and had her going nuts on me in public...

No one would bat an eye, people would just mind their own business, regardless of the fact she was screaming at the top of her lungs all sorts of profanities at me.

Now, if the tables were turned and it was I who was doing the verbal lashing, I'd no doubt have some other men step in and try to calm me down.

I think we're seeing a higher instance of borderline personality disorder in modern society. People are going for 0-60mph with badger-like rage. Generally, a person with borderline personality disorder suffers from a deep-rooted emotional issue with abandonment. With the divorce rates as they are, and single parent households on the rise, it's no surprise that the current generation of 20-30 somethings have abandonment issues. Turning to anger and violence is the only way they know how to deal with the intense fear of potentially being abandoned or not loved -- even if these feelings aren't true.

I have immense patience, and have had to learn very important coping skills and communication techniques due to some very, very violent and emotional women. Most men, however, never take the time to learn these things and sadly suffer or turn to violence themselves eventually.

I'm glad you have the patience and learned those coping skills. It's very tough to get through in life without them. I've been there. I wish you all the best from here on out.

a reply to: and14263

everything I stated has relevance to this thread. The conditions and views expressed by the person i was speaking to are not rare in women or even men. Albeit a little less severe in men usually.

I am not into talking about me, myself, and I but no....I dont hate women. I married one and love her very much. even have kids as she is a good mother. We have a very stable relationship and household. I keep it that way by taking the high road which all fathers must do for the sake of their children.

this is not a "lets attack certain posters" thread. Experiences have been brought up related to abuse and i have commented on them. There are lots of abuses and self abuse is one of them.

throwing out insults and accusations is not productive. I have stated more than once that my posts are not intended to insult anyone but I can tell pretty well when people have inner turmoil. not just through words but through actions of the individual. obviously they want to talk about it when they give out personal information over internet.

the simple fact is that women are allowed to go to levels of assault and abuse in this society that men simply cant go. All one has to do is look at the legal system and past cases of abuse and the outcome of those cases.

a reply to: agenda51

You really don't deserve a reply from me considering the hate you spilled out onto Anyafaj for sharing her story with us, but I'll go ahead and just say this:

If throwing out insults and accusations isn't productive, why did you engage in such behavior in your previous posts? If this isn't a "let's not attack the poster thread", why did you do exactly that? Saying you don't intend to insult someone doesn't absolve you of the insults you immediately levy on them after that sentence. It's like saying "No offense, but you're a F#*$ing retard." You don't get a free pass just because you said "no offense".

Outside of ALL of that, I will agree with you that women are generally permitted higher levels of abuse than men are, however, my personal thoughts on the matter is that neither is acceptable at ANY level, by either gender.

a reply to: Anyafaj

One piece of advice for men I'd give is to have a backup plan. Confide in a good friend what's been going on, someone who won't judge you. Ask them if it's OK when things get really horrible at home if you can come crash with them for a night or two. Keep an overnight bag packed in your car, or someplace you can get to it. If things are really bad, you may also want to keep some cash for yourself she doesn't know about (in case she freezes accounts or steals your cards/wallet).

A lot of the time just removing yourself from the situation for a period of time can work well. Showing the other person that you don't approve of their behavior, and that you respect yourself to much to stand there and put up with it is important. You can't change someone overnight, but you need to set boundaries on what's acceptable and what's not. To many guys I know don't have strong boundaries and harbor intense resentment for their wives/girlfriends because of this.

We all need to set clear boundaries in any healthy relationship. If we allow ourselves to be walked over all the time we just invite resentment into our lives. Some guys I know turn to drinking to deal with their resentments. There's an old saying, "resentments get you drunk". This strategy usually is self-defeating as being drunk usually makes you more liable to do something you'll regret. Reaching for a bottle due to overwhelming feelings of helplessness may sound like a good idea, but it's not. Don't fall for that!

a reply to: MystikMushroom

you just have to understand that its not you. They are projecting their self hatred onto you as an escape from their own dysfunctional perceptions of life. In short they are immature similar to a child telling a parent "I hate you" when they dont get their way. Its no different. When a wife or girlfriend acts this way the best approach other than space is to deal with them as if they are a immature teenager.

originally posted by: agenda51
a reply to: MystikMushroom

you just have to understand that its not you. They are projecting their self hatred onto you as an escape from their own dysfunctional perceptions of life. In short they are immature similar to a child telling a parent "I hate you" when they dont get their way. Its no different. When a wife or girlfriend acts this way the best approach other than space is to deal with them as if they are a immature teenager.

There any multitude of reasons for an abusive/angry girlfriend/spouse. They range the gamut from genuine mental disorder to a pattern of mistrust or jealousy, to simply bad upbringing. Lumping all instances of abuse into the category of "projecting self-hatred on others" is at best a freshman's psychology assessment of the situation, and at worse a glaring generalization bordering on sexism. When a girlfriend of wife acts this way the best approach is NOT to EVER treat them as if they are an immature teenager. 9 times out of 10 this will only make things worse. In most all situations of an escalating argument or shouting match, distance is usually the best medicine. Allow both sides to clear their heads and come back to the matter with a lower emotional register.

If the woman is still abusive either physically or emotionally, then remove yourself from the situation. In the case of physical abuse I implore the man to contact the authorities. Until something changes and men are no longer afraid to stand up to abuse and combat, nothing will change.

a reply to: agenda51

That's an important component too -- and a lot of men I know get really tweaked around when they're insulted by their female companion.

It's not easy, but I've learned not to take anything personally, and detach myself from the situation. A lot of times hateful insults are slung to invoke an emotional response from you, and if you deprive them of that response, it can take some of the wind out of their rage. This can backfire though, so use it with caution.

Usually, I'd say something like, "I'm not going to discuss this with you right now while you're so upset. Let's talk about this when we're both in a better mood." Then I'd get up and go someplace (friends house, mall, library, where ever). I'm demonstrating a boundary with her that I won't let her cross. I refuse to argue back about whatever it is she's upset about. I'd be happy to talk about it later -- but I'm not going to get into a screaming match and wake the neighbors.

Being safe though is the most important thing. If you ever feel unsafe (male of female!) -- leave! As I said, have a back up plan and stick to it.

originally posted by: ScientificRailgun
a reply to: MystikMushroom

You're absolutely correct. A lot of men in the U.S. stay in abusive relationships either out of financial or judicial fear. If children are involved it only complicates the issue. Society has turned a blind eye to the plight of men in many ways. If a woman is involved, the courts immediately side with her unless overwhelming evidence of her abuse is shown, and in many cases even this isn't enough. Women overwhelmingly win the majority of custody battles, unless again they're proven to be so entirely incapable of rearing a child that it's beyond reproach, and again sometimes even that isn't enough. Even if men DO get custody of the child, many times they have to raise that child on their own, since there are very few cases of mothers being forced to pay child support.

Men stay quiet in abusive relationships. Is some of it shame? Perhaps. I think we as a society are moving beyond shaming people for being abused (slowly), but I think it's more of a fear of the backlash that is almost certain to occur when a man finally stands up and says enough, and calls the police. All the woman has to do either claim he hit her, or abused her in some way and the man's life is essentially ruined. They could lose their jobs, home, even their very freedom for daring to report the abuse, and that's sad.

I know in my dad's case, my birth mother was supposed to pay him child support for all 3 of us kids, she owed him something like $30,000, roughly, still does. But he knew with her being paranoid schizophrenic, he'd have a better chance of seeing God first, (his words), not to mention paying for a lawyer would eat into most of the child support, so he just let it be. He said it wasn't worth the battle. Which I understood as I got older.

a reply to: ScientificRailgun

You brought up a good point -- not treating them like a kid.

If you have to get into with them, I've found validating how they feel is important. It's OK for them to feel the way they do, even if it's misguided. How they feel is how they feel, telling them that they shouldn't feel that way is recipe for disaster.

In the cases where I thought it would be OK to stick around I've found the SET technique to work sometimes SET is an ancronym:

Support: Using "I" statements like "I'd like to help you"

Empathy: Let the know you understand what the person is feeling. "I can see that you're super angry, and that's OK you can feel angry at me"

Truth: Give an honest assessment of the situation and how to go about fixing it. Something like, "This is what I can do right now.."

It doesn't always work, and if you haven't practiced it enough, it can come of cold and clinical sounding. That can make things worse. If you can weave the basic fundamental ideas of SET into your response, you might actually have a shot at getting through to someone that's raging before it escalates to physical violence.

But, as I keep saying -- if you don't feel safe, leave and get help!