Some things just don't work out.....divorce

Sorry to hear about your break up. You can be lonely even when you're with someone and that's no way to live. It sucks it comes at a time when you're having health problems. Don't let the stress get to you. Stress isn't good for your health, which you don't need. Good luck to you.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
"Feelings" are severely overrated.

You say he's been a good provider at least? He will be an even better provider now with forced alimony & child support

That is the wrong message to be sending her.

PS. To women everywhere: Men Are Scum.

Long term conditioning won, we lost.

I have always enjoyed some of your more witty responses Eunuchorn, but you set yourself back by making this statement about Men. There are a lot of good Men out there my friend, we are not all bad. Fact of the matter is, it's not Men who are a let down, it's people in general.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

It's hard when you're married to someone that you no longer feel close to. It's even harder when they are the number one provider for the family. It forces a person, and yes usually more likely a Women but not always, into a position of helplessness because of financial realities. Many people are trapped because of this unfortunate phenomenon in our screwed up society, and it's a very helpless feeling.

Seems like he was never around long enough for you and your family to become close? Hopefully you have relatives or friends who can assist you during this very difficult transition. From experience, I can tell you that most of the time, change turns out to be for the better when it involves people who formally were nothing but miserable. ~$heopleNation

originally posted by: sirlancelot

originally posted by: Anyafaj

originally posted by: sirlancelot

originally posted by: Anyafaj

originally posted by: mblahnikluver

At least you learned early. It took me 18 1/2 years to wise up. Through most of those years, it was me with the job, and him being the schlub. I tried to get him to go to counseling too. I have severe PTSD from childhood rape and stalking. I was told HE didn't need counseling. I couldn't get him to understand if it's affecting one of us, it's affecting both of us. His solution? Go cheat on me THEN ask for the divorce. He went about it in such a classy nice guy way too. He took my daughter with him when he went to cheat on me. Brought home an engagement ring for Valentine's day. When I had a miscarriage (my 5th), he decided that was it! How dare my body not be able to bear him more fruit! So on my birthday, yes, my birthday, he asked for a divorce. I told him he was a jerk to ask on my birthday, his classic response? "I forgot it was your birthday." Gee, thanks for caring. He then proceeded to tell me that when we renewed our vows 8 years prior, he wanted a divorce then, he just stayed quiet for 8 years. I said, "So what, for 8 years I was just friends with benefits? Gee thanks!" I threw my wedding dress away, the flowers, everything associated with that day. I was so disgusted that was used in such a way by that jerk. It's been 4 years since the separation and December 18, 2013 was the date of divorce and I have never been happier. That's my date of freedom. Slowly but surely he beat me down and got me to stop doing the things I loved over 18 years, now I am learning to love those things again and slowly finding who I am and I'm enjoying every moment!

Geez, no words! Glad your free.

Thank you. His emotional abuse took a slow toll. I don't know if it was I didn't WANT to see it, or I was just blind period. I honestly feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. In the end he physically assaulted me twice before he left. One resulted in a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. To think I trusted him to never do that given he KNEW my history. I could have charged him with marital rape, but the true irony is he's still mad at me over it. How, why, who the heck knows. If anyone should have the right to be angry, it should be me. I was the one held down while I punched his chest screaming. I have since forgiven him though. For the sake of our daughter. I know she would never understand why her father was in jail, so I never pursued it, for her. I'm ok with my choice. It's his misplaced anger that sometimes rehashes things and makes it a little difficult to move on, but therapy is helping. I have a wonderful therapist. My daughter has even gone on two visits with me and she loves her as well.

My ex had the same thing happen to her and it manifested itself after a year together into our relationship. I thought if I loved her so much she would forget the past. Sadly it didn't happen. She could not get past it.

Any man that is ware of a woman who has had issue's that forces himself on a woman is not a man at all. You most likely are traumatized and it will take time to get past it but please know not every man is is like that!

I wish you well.

Thank you. I definitely appreciate that affirmation. For years he reminded me how he was "not like that". He made me feel safe in that regard, then destroyed that safety in one night. Needless to say, my flashbacks, which were gone by then, had returned with a vengeance. Now and then I get one, but Xanax has been helping with the panic attacks. So has my small dog. She's very protective of me and who she allows around me. I've had her since March of last year. There were some nights where I'd cry and moan in my sleep, and not realize it, and she'd wake me by licking my face. Now if I wake to a face licking, I know I had a nightmare and she was protecting me from it. As tiny as she is (part Chihuahua, part Jack Russell, part mini Pincher) she has the heart of a lion. Next time I see my therapist I'm going to discuss getting her registered as a therapy pet and what I must to go about doing that. She's very smart and takes to training well. Her favorite trick she picked up was "High Five" where she takes her paw and puts it against your hand. My daughter taught her that.

Marriage is always the primary reason for divorce.

I often find that people can be a in a loving relationship for year's but when they finally get married, BOOM! something changes - Quite sad really.

Best of luck to you both.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Marriage is a team effort, if your the only one putting in the effort then there is no team.

I just wan to say THANK YOU to all of you lovely people who replied.

I would like to reply to each and every one of you and I will, it just might take longer with the little one up and running around!


I am not upset over the divorce. I feel bad for him but I have to worry about me as well, something I never really did. I worried about everyone else and how they would feel. My mom is the only person who is being a bit of a well witch about it. She has room to talk though so I dont listen to her. It's my life and I won't stay where I'm not happy especially when he isn't always home. The two times he got job offers in the states my gut say no. They were in bad areas and not a good idea. Plus we didn't have the money to move across the country either time! He is so quick to get off the island he doesnt' think like a family he thinks on his own. So many things led up to this and I told him over and over. He said oh I didn't think you would leave. I was like really? So you expected me to constantly tell you to change certain things and you just give attitude and I would stay? No I stayed in too many relationships under similar circumstances and this time I said I'm not doing it.

Yes it will be hard but I'm looking for work and our lease isn't up til August so I have plenty of time to find a place. I have been looking and I know this area very well since i grew up here so I know many places I can go and I could even qualify for an income restricted place. I am not too fond of them but if it's what I can afford for a while I can make the best of it.

My son will still have his father and his family in his life. i would NEVER take that away. I can't stand when spouses use spite and bitterness and the child suffers. It's unfair. Many people can divorce amicably no need to be nasty about it. I want him to see him every time he comes home like he use to. I know he won't have a place to stay when he comes home like he does but he is still more than welcome to stay with us. I will get a pull out couch and put it in my sons room for him. I'm not heartless for crying out loud. He's good with our son, it's just relationships he has A LOT of growing up to do to know how to act in one.

Thank you again everyone, your words and positive vibes made me smile this morning.

Sorry to hear it .. sadly things dont always work out for couples .. sounds like you did everything humanely possible to make things work .. dont beat yourself up for it .. take time gather your thoughts and do whats best for you and your son to have a good happy life ..

a reply to: mblahnikluver

It breaks my heart to see a marriage break up. Today's marriages seem to be more of a convenience than a commitment. Almost two thirds of all marriages end in divorce. What does that tell you? It tells me a whole bunch!!

IMO a marriage license should costs the same as a home and divorce costs is one dollar. I also think prior to marriage they must both attend a marriage counselor to see if they are mature enough to make a life long commitment and if they understand what a marriage all entails. Love is but one ingredient to a successful marriage. There is also other factors, such as economics, where will you live, employment, health, honesty, sex, children, religion, etc..... A contract made between the two of them witnessed by the marriage counselor of exactly what the man's and wife's commitments will be in the relationship along with the occasional marriage counselor stopping by to assist.

This way MAYBE people will hopefully meditate and contemplate deeper before considering marriage.

Some people can not even take care of themselves let alone take care of a partner or a family.

Like Dolly Parton said: " A bird and a fish can fall in love but where do they live?"

I have been happily married to the same woman for over 35 years and we still love one another like the it was our first date!

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
"Feelings" are severely overrated.

You say he's been a good provider at least? He will be an even better provider now with forced alimony & child support

PS. To women everywhere: Men Are Scum.

Long term conditioning won, we lost.

...and apparently you think men are nothing more than an ATM

It's a 2-way street princess

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Haven't read the replies but just want to say, I stayed in a marriage for all the wrong reasons to the detriment of my children. You have done the right thing. I waited till after the children were grown and traumatized by my ex's behavior all because I didn't want to end up like my mother.

Long story short.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
"Feelings" are severely overrated.

You say he's been a good provider at least? He will be an even better provider now with forced alimony & child support

PS. To women everywhere: Men Are Scum.

Long term conditioning won, we lost.

I hope you are kidding here, but i fear you arent. You really think someone who decides to leave you should get free money from the other person. Oh here take my new kid away from me and I will support you both and myself as well.

Although I sympathize with the OP on some of her post, there are always 2 sides to the story. The guy is only home 9 weeks a year? Not really much of a relationship to begin with IMO. I mean what do you expect to get out of a relationship like that?

My advice OP is to stop making excuses that he in some way has kept you from being what you wish to be.

1. Go to school. So what if he was not supportive....you could still have applied for an online school and TA.
2. Don't use your kid as an excuse. The whole "my child is my life" should go without saying. You sure do use alot of language that insinuates me, me, me. And then you say its all about the kid? To me thats just a cop out for some sort of sympathy (another excuse).
3. Take responsibility! It is not his fault that you are in the situation you are. The decisions that were made with regard to YOUR life are yours and no one elses.

Just my 2 pennies.

And shame on you Eunuchorn. You lost and still lose because of the attitude you portray in your post.

originally posted by: AtcGod

Although I sympathize with the OP on some of her post, there are always 2 sides to the story. The guy is only home 9 weeks a year? Not really much of a relationship to begin with IMO. I mean what do you expect to get out of a relationship like that?

Well having a child wasn't planned. I wasn't suppose to be able to have kids so it was a HUGE surprise for both of us. Before my son his situation being away was fine but when we had a family it became a different story.

My advice OP is to stop making excuses that he in some way has kept you from being what you wish to be.

I never said he kept me, he wasn't supportive like a spouse should be.

1. Go to school. So what if he was not supportive....you could still have applied for an online school and TA.

The school I want to go to is a bit expensive and I need to speak to my family members who work for the school. I want to do their online courses for Aerospace Tech. Ever heard of Embry Riddle Aeronautical University? One of the top schools for aeronautics in the world. I will have to apply for loans and grants and whatever else i can get. It's great because it's online so I can do it at night or nap time. I did online school once and got screwed over so bad I'm still semi traumatized by it. The government is even suing the school for doing what they did to me and thousands of other students so my school issues go far beyond just applying. I got taken for. NEVER go to a for profit online school, ever. I wish I had someone to inform me of what I was getting into but i was so happy to be in school I didn't realize how bad I was getting screwed.

2. Don't use your kid as an excuse. The whole "my child is my life" should go without saying. You sure do use alot of language that insinuates me, me, me. And then you say its all about the kid? To me thats just a cop out for some sort of sympathy (another excuse).

Excuse me? You don't know me AT all and you are making judgements based on a small thread. My child is my life and taking care of ME ME ME is how I will be able to provide for my child. IF I didn't think of me then how could I take care of my child. Getting MY education is the best way to take care of my child, who I have raised on my own since birth. He is a damn good kid too and I"m proud of myself for doing it on my own even with all the health problems I had as a result of child birth. My child keeps me going because he needs me so please don't sit there and tell me it's a cop out because it's far from it.

3. Take responsibility! It is not his fault that you are in the situation you are. The decisions that were made with regard to YOUR life are yours and no one else's.

I do take responsibility. I never said I didn't. It is in a way his fault. It's also mine in some ways. He wouldn't listen to anything I asked of him to do as a family man. He just thought I would put up with it. I have issues and I'm not in denial but I also CHOSE to get help and he refuses, he thinks he is fine. Far from it. So don't tell me I haven't taken responsibility because I have. I made the decision based on what was best for me and my son. I refuse to stay with someone because we have a child and be unhappy and have no support (in a non financial way) and have my son grow up in a tense environment. Sometimes relationships don't work out. It happens. Since i wasn't suppose to have kids I see my son as a miracle and maybe that is why we came together, for this beautiful sweet child. I know many people think you should stay together for the child but I don't. I would rather him grow up in a loving home from both of us than see us argue every time he comes home. When he comes home he will take him for those three weeks. I have no problem with that and I will not keep him from anyone in the family on either side. That isn't me. I despise men and women who use the child to spite the spouse because things didn't work out.

My mom left my dad when I was 5. He was an abusive alcoholic. The last memory I have of him is pushing my mom down the stairs while she was holding my brother who was about 2 at the time. We got on a bus the next day and came to Florida. Well my dad use to call ALL the time and my mom never let us speak to him. He called when we graduated HS and she didn't let us talk to him. Well in 2003 my twin and I looked for him ourselves. We found him and it was great to talk to him but I still resent my mom to this day for not allowing us to talk to him. Sure he screwed up BIG time but my mom actually leaving made him sober up and he's been sober for 30yrs! It would have been nice to talk to my dad over the years but my mom had such hate and resentment, which I can understand why, that she didn't let us talk to him. To me that isn't fair. I should have been able to talk to my dad. I dont have a relationship with my dad to this day. I lost contact and have tried to find him for years. I've paid all kinds of services and nothing comes up.

Just my 2 pennies.

That's more than 2 pennies

And shame on you Eunuchorn. You lost and still lose because of the attitude you portray in your post.

Who?

originally posted by: LittleGreenAlien
a reply to: mblahnikluver

Marriage is a team effort, if your the only one putting in the effort then there is no team.

That is exactly how I felt. He felt that because he paid the bills that was his part but there is more to a marriage than that esp when you only see your spouse every 4months for 3 weeks. We have to cram so much in that time and i got tired of wanting that family environment when he was home and he not wanting to do it. He took it like a vacation when he was home and it drove me nuts. Sure he helped out in some ways but it was usually when I got so mad I yelled at him. I shouldn't' have to ask him to do the basic things. He isn't a bad guy but we are just so opposite when it comes to relationships we are definitely better off as friends. We were friends for about 2 years before we decided to date and we got along great.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
"Feelings" are severely overrated.

You say he's been a good provider at least? He will be an even better provider now with forced alimony & child support

I don't need a man to support me. Sure he will pay child support but we will decide on it and no alimony. I can get a job. He supported us as a family but since we are not together I dont expect him to support me at all, just take care of his child and I know he will. He is a great dad.

PS. To women everywhere: Men Are Scum.

Long term conditioning won, we lost.

Men are scum? Bitter much? Sorry i've been physically abused and mentally by two boyfriends and I still think men are great. Not all are scum, and not all women are.

originally posted by: semperfortis
Do what you need to to make yourself happy lady... Trust me, no one else ever will...

I applaud your perseverance, your motherly love and most of all your COURAGE!!!!!

Semper!!!

Thank you very much. I actually felt scarred and nervous but I finally did it. Even my therapist said it was a brave thing to do. I know it won't be easy and it will take time to get settled but I have been through worse and I made it!

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Each person's situation is different, remember to take care of yourself because if you can not, you will never be able to take care of anyone else.

Best of luck, sounds like you have a plan, stick with it!

a reply to: mblahnikluver

you're bipolar and you want to be happy??? Well at least half the time right???

me thinks we are only getting one side of the story here.

good luck with your divorce. To the people that say yeah now he'll still be a provider, you are a piece of # user.

I say if you want to move out on your own, you should take care of yourself... yeah men are scum, but they're good for a pay check still right??

Jaden

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Ok well it seems like you're a decent person at least and not a user(of people).

It's hard on children to grow up in a separate home. If he isn't abusive, you may want to think twice about this.

You talk about your happiness, but you ought to be thinking about your childs happiness. Children don't understand that you weren't happy with daddy, they only understand that daddy isn't there.

So, I guess the question becomes do you care more about your happiness or your child's happiness.

If he is abusive, then by all means, get out. But he just likes to sit around and you aren't happy?? Come on, get out of here. You're going to put the pressure on your child of not having a father in the home, because you aren't as happy as you would like???

geez..

Jaden

Oh Mblah... I had no idea. Someone has to be having the time of their life, somewhere, for all the pain the last year and a bit has caused so many.

It is funny, how little things to us that mean so much, and are simple things to do, mean so little to others and they just don't care. I know... Things that make a difference, to be ignored, leave you at a loss.

I am only now beginning to feel my way forward after being thrown under a bus. And all the people I thought were friends, walked away to hold her high while sticking their boots in.

But I had no idea you were struggling also. That just does my head in. His loss. absolutely.

And when people either accuse us of being beyond help or doubt our inner conflict, deny it's overwhelming debilitation, then it's better to leave them in our wake.

I may have made a mess, but I am not going to remain in it. And knowing you as I do, I know you're going to be absolutely fine. Just look at your boys face when he smiles, and you can't feel any other way I know it!!!!!

originally posted by: Masterjaden
a reply to: mblahnikluver

you're bipolar and you want to be happy??? Well at least half the time right???

me thinks we are only getting one side of the story here.

What the hell does that even mean? Do people with bipolar not desire to be happy? Or are you just not sure of what bipolar even means?

man, ATS logic strikes again... find an outcome, then build connections to make it real... gotta be more to the story right???

insane...