Some things just don't work out.....divorce

Well I have asked my husband for a divorce. We are just not compatible and he is not who he said he was when we first met and fell in love.

I feel so stupid to have believed it all but hey what can I do? It happens to the best of us. We have a 19month old and Im not worried about him being taken care of I know my husband would not be like that. He is very good with him. This had been coming for a year for me. I tried every time he came home to be the wife and do the family thing but he never really wanted to do anything but sit around. He would treat it like a vacation and just the way he talks to me and so many other things I just can't be unhappy anymore. He is only here 9 weeks out of the year, the rest of the year it's just me and my son. He does provide financially for us since I do not work, his idea too btw, plus daycare would take my whole check so we didn't see the point. Well now I found affordable child care at a small place that is perfect for him! I am looking for work right now because I have honestly gone a tad nuts not working. I've worked since I was like 12, babysitting and I have always worked.

He knew all these things I had asked were small but to me they mean more than anything. Buying me things shows me nothing other than you can buy things. The little things matter to me more than anything and he doesnt' get it. I have had three surgeries since I had my son and they all sucked! I had them all done when my husband was home and he tried to say I used them as a crutch or an excuse. Oh yea how about you get cut open a total of 4 times in a year and tell me how you feel!! I have two conditions as a result of pregnancy that make me very sick at times and i"ve even passed out. His response when I told him was "oh and." I couldn't believe it! He also asked for documentation on my bi polar which is a joke. I've been open about that for over a decade. He says it's an excuse. I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he doesn't feel he needs to. I'm done trying. It's been over a year and I want to be happy.

This may sound silly but I was watching a movie, "The Notebook" (dont laugh) and the scene at the end where Noah asks Allie what she wants got me thinking. I never worried about myself. It was always how it would affect everyone else. So I stayed in relationships I knew were doomed thinking I could fix it or them and I winded up hurt. I just can't do this again especially now with my son. I dont want him to see us fight and argue, it's not healthy. I would NEVER keep my son from him or his family. I am not like that and despise women who do that. He is a great dad but as far as compatibility for relationships we are not. We were really good friends before we dated and I think that is the kind of relationship we should have kept.

I just feel kind of lost in a way because I dont work so now I'm worried about money. He won't just leave me without but he will try and use it against me by being passive aggressive like he is. I will sell a few things I can get some money off of to put aside for when I need it. Our lease is up in August so I will stay here until then. I should be able to get some money saved and find a place for my son and I. I really love where I live but I can't afford it on my own. I won't make the money he does so that won't happen. Where he lives he pays NOTHING to live there. Everything is provided even a damn maid which annoys me because when he comes home its like he expects me to clean up after him all the time. Um no I won't.

I feel like I finally made a decision once for what is best for me. I want to go to school and he isn't very supportive of that. The school is here and he loves to say I'll never get in. Yea way to be supportive! My family is here, my close friends. Ever since I moved back I have connected with all my old friends and I feel happy for once. You can be happy in one part of your life and not in another, something he doesnt get. I've tried talking to him but it doesn't work. He makes promise after promise and never keeps them. I can't live like that. I get excited over something and then it never happens.

I have been seeing a therapist as well which has helped A LOT. I take meds that i never had before and I feel like my mind is finally calm enough to think things through and make a decision. Sure it's a hard one and yea I'll be a single mom but I refuse to stay with someone just because we have a child and then have myself be miserable. Kids can pick up on that. I can't fake being happy with him anymore. I did it too long and I just can't anymore. I can't be with someone who talks down to me. When he does I see my abusive ex in my face and it scares me. My husband has never been physical but he scares me sometimes when he corners me and wants to talk. Having been abused in the past I DONT like being cornered! When I tell him this he calls it an excuse and it's not. It's very true.

So what i thought would work out didn't. I tried. I have my son and I wasn't suppose to have kids. The universe works in mysterious ways so I like to think that we came together for our son and that miracle. I never thought I would have kids but Liam is a blessing and he is my everything. SO now he is my main focus.

Anyways....just wanted to share since I share more on here than anywhere else because I always felt like many people I've met on here are like family.

"Feelings" are severely overrated.

You say he's been a good provider at least? He will be an even better provider now with forced alimony & child support

PS. To women everywhere: Men Are Scum.

Long term conditioning won, we lost.

Do what you need to to make yourself happy lady... Trust me, no one else ever will...

I applaud your perseverance, your motherly love and most of all your COURAGE!!!!!

Sometimes people forget that both of you take vows. Both of you need to live up to those vows. When one does not keep up their end of the bargain, the other should not be expected to either.
Unfortunately it happens to often.
Best of luck to you young lady.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I'm sorry you and your son are facing a divorce. Maybe that isn't the high five you were hoping for.

I hope things work out as you wish and I hope your son can maintain a meaningful relationship with his father.

I've faced challenges in marriage including physical abuse... Which is not ongoing. Faith is what has gotten me through. My marriage is a commitment to my husband and to God. The purpose of marriage is NOT to make you happy (although happy moments are most welcome). It's a commitment. It's to make you holy, not happy.

But I know not everyone shares our faith. I'm just giving you my perspective.

Only you can know the details of your situation. Only you can decide if you are making the right choice for your family.

I sincerely wish you the best...

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I know you are going through a difficult time...I have gone through divorce too...and it was the right decision for me...the healthier decision. It seems to me that you are doing all the right things for you and your child.

I send to you some...

And...please remember

Wow, that's a bit rough. Well neighbor, you know there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that's only if you are even wanting to go fishing.

Marriage is a difficult thing to manage overall. People do a lot of BSing initially to "win" the hearts of someone, and eventually become more themselves after time goes on.

Was this a young relationship/marriage?

Guess it doesn't matter. I recommend just to remain friends. you said you were before, and perhaps you can still after. make better friends than spouses..and you will know him for the rest of your life anyhow due to the kid..so yeah, keep it peaceful, warm, and simply a fact that you two are in different places and require different things.

Sad all the way around.

Better marry your best friend next time.

Cause, that love crap wears off.

Sorry to hear it is not working out. I hope things go all right with the change you are going to go through.

My wife would never leave me, she would just kick my ass out of the house.

i admire strong people. Folks who can hitch up their giddy up and get moving forward.



My mom did it with her and I. And i have never thought anything but good about my childhood.

Been through it myself. You're a strong woman and will be fine.
You have lots of support here and it sounds like you have a lot of support around you at home too.

Advice if I may... I know you said he's good with your son, which is great, however, get everything in writing. Visitation, Child Support, Insurance, everything.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I divorced my first wife after I found out she was having an affair after only 3 months of marriage (we had been together almost 5 years) to a married man 15 years older than her (who also had three kids). Before I give you my heartfelt advice, let me just say that after a LOT of darkness, my life really turned around and I am re-married to my soulmate, so things do get better if you take the time like you are to really reflect and think about your life.

With that being said, my ex and I really had compatibility issues, although kind of the other way around. I was always faithful, but she could never explain why she was not. Either way some things I learned going through that process. Disclaimer: This is not legal advice, just tips from a friend that has gone through divorce. You will have to do what is right for you.

1) Do your own legal research on your state's marriage laws and those where you were married. Some states require a reason for divorce (abuse, infidelity, etc) or require a minimum amount of time being totally seperated (living apart). Talk to family you trust and a lawyer with a free consultation because you will need to be prepared to meet the legal requirements for filing for divorce. You might also want to think of doing mediation as well as this can help split up custody and assets in an amicable setting prior to the courts getting involved (it keeps the cost down overall).

2) Be prepared with a place to stay, if I were you I would move out and move in with family once you have made your decision. The sooner the better to get the clock rolling on mandatory seperation (assuming he hasn't had any affairs). Also, be prepared for major backlash from him (i.e. your personal belongings where you live, etc).

3) Research custody laws in your area. Although the legal precedent has been the mother usually gets custody I have a couple buddies who's wives cheated on them (I dont have any kids) and they got full custody. Now, I am not saying you have cheated, but the times are changing some and if your husband is the bread winner and a great dad with a good lawyer he could get majority custody (or if he had a shark lawyer he could even go after your mental illness and get full custody). I say this not to frighten you, but to prepare you for what you are getting into.

4) Research property law in your area. If your husband has been the sole bread winner a lot of states (but not all) still split property 50/50, but that can also change depending on if the divorce was due to something like infidelity or abuse, or due to reasons that you mentioned. Because of my situation I took possession of everything I wanted, and did.

5) Be prepared to spend a large chunk of money depending on where you live in legal fees, court costs, etc. Again - because of my situation I made my ex pay all of it, but it was in the thousands (roughly 6-8k) for the whole divorce.

6) Keep your friends and family close. No matter the reason divorce feels similar to a close death in the family. Take time to regroup, mourn, and move on. Friends and family will help, and you will be better able to meet your real soulmate if you take the time to regroup.

7) Above all keep breathing and stay positive. If you take your time and take a lot of the above considerations into account you will be more prepared for what you are facing. If this is what is right for your life do it. Life is too short to be unhappy, and I promise from experience, everything does get better

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Life's to short to be unhappy. If you're not happy now, most likely that's not going to change much and in most cases it get's worse. I spent many yrs in a marriage I hoped would get better, it never did. Divorce sucks but in some cases it's a neccessary evil. Some times it's best to cut your losses and move on with your life. Good luck to you.

a reply to: mblahnikluver
I wish you the best.

Always remember that your son is the most important thing. Never let him be brought into the middle of any problems between you and your soon to be ex-husband.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I am truly sorry to here that.

Just be strong, and realize that you don't need a man to be the woman you already know you are.

As a male and being divorced twice, it's never easy, but the lessons learned are certainly invaluable to learning exactly who we are!

Keep your head up!

I think you have to deal with alot by yourself... The little one. your poorly dog and an absent partner. Welcome to to your new life as an adult with your own dreams and your own resilience. See, some us know you just by being on the net. Be brave and completely sure of what you are doing. I left my old life with nothing.YOU WANNA SEE ME NOW. Completely happy adore my new life. You are as strong as your mind sets it to be. Go Girl we are here through whatever pain comes your way xxxx

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Self reflection is never an easy thing, and acting on that reflection is even harder. I've been through a divorce and I am happy to say it was as amicable as possible. But it still hurt like hell and I had a lot of personal trash to work through. I felt like a failure, like I had let everyone done, etc.

Sounds like you're on the right track. You know what you need to do for yourself, you're seeing a therapist which will help tremendously, and you've got the support of family and friends. Try to keep things as friendly as possible, which of course you already know.

Hugs to you as you and Liam start a new journey. We are always here if you need a little lift now and then.

Don't get married and you won't ever have to get divorced.

I've been with my Wife for 34 years. Love doesn't "wear off" for everyone. I honestly love my Wife more every day. I just can't wait to see my Angel......a reply to: whyamIhere

I have not much to say.
The good part is you have an outlet.
I wish you and yours the best of luck..

If you get in a jam. You know you can talk about.
I would rather be by myself and feel alone. Than be with someone and feel alone.
Chin up.