Borderline/Psychiatric Illness and MK Ultra / Mind Programming

Hello ATS

I come here with an idea, maybe not a revolutionary one, but perhaps from a new or unheard point-of-view that can grant new insights for people who are interested in the subject.

1. INTRODUCTION

Where to start… Well, let me introduce myself; I'm a 26 year human being from Belgium, Europe, that's enough personal information for now, as we'll be getting quite intimate with my mind and thoughts, later on. I'm very interested in subjects such as psychology in general, but also conspiracy "niches" like MKU, testing of psychopharmaca in militaries throughout recent history,…

It's important to know that I'm (99% likely) a psychiatric borderline patient. The reason I say 99% likely is because, in case you're unaware, borderline is very hard to define as it is composed of lots of symptoms that could easily be interpreted as being indications of a different psychiatric illnesses. Also, I am for the most part undiagnosed/self-diagnosed, as doctors in Europe, or Belgium more specifically perhaps, seem to have a hard time pinning a specific name to a condition, something I believe they do as to not stigmatize the patient, but something that's also extremely frustrating for someone who for once just wants to hear what it COULD BE from a trained professional's mouth.

None of them so far have been willing to go so far as to even say they THINK it could be this or that. They want me admitted as an inpatient for several months before even considering putting a label on it, something I am mentally not prepared to do, as I have tried it one day and that was enough to break me. (borderline - abandonment issues - dumping me in a room full of other psychiatric patients who, in my mind, were all like me, but without the inhibitions and self-control, and were all very confronting the minute I got there, on why I was there, etc. without the least supervision -> not a very good combination…)

Perhaps I just haven't stumbled upon the right psych yet, I believe a good psych is one who has a few screws loose himself, and so far all I've encountered are pompous diploma-munchers who are probably very good at getting to the bottom of things, but fail to make a patient feel like they UNDERSTAND YOU. If they did, they'd help me identify and name my problem, rather than try to get me to work as quickly as possible…

For years I believed I was bipolar, discovering this about myself had been a major breakthrough! But by now, there are more symptoms than can be attributed to my being bipolar alone, which led me to believe there is either an added illness, or I had the wrong idea all along. After several years of additional self-analysis and comparison to various DSM registered psychiatric disorders, I came to the conclusion that the term of borderline personality disorder fits me best. Many professionals now believe the term is inappropriate, but as you'll read soon, I believe the term to be accurate in many cases, including my own.

2. THE MEAT

I believe theories such as MK Ultra are very real. I know they are real on record, what I mean is I believe 100% that it works and has been and is probably still being used.

I will expand on this in chapter 5, but it is important to understand where I'm coming from, to get an idea what it is like to have my brain, that you read the following chapters as well. Especially people who are hard set in their beliefs of experiments such as MK Ultra not being possible. I'm here to try and convince you that, from the point of view of a possible subject of such programming, it is very much doable and even probable. NOTE: I am in no way saying I am a subject of programming!! I believe, if MKU were real, I would be susceptible for it, nothing more. Please read more here

I'm susceptible to what I see, read, hear and experience. I suck it up like a vacuum and it stays in my mind once it's there, and most of it, is very nasty stuff, due to the illness I'm quite convinced. When I see a heel being sliced in the movie hostel, it's not just a movie, the concept penetrates my soul, my psyche, and burrows itself into my mind like a cancerous disease, waiting to project itself into my mind again when the right trigger is pulled. My triggers are still my biggest mystery, and even worse, my biggest fear... they can be anxiety-, depression-, agression-, sexuality-, socially-,...related. This is what frightens me as it is the part of me that is still a big dark void that no matter how hard I try, I can not get a look into.

I can just easily imagine someone being psychologically programmed to the point where they'll do stuff and not know why they did it, because they can't identify what triggered the behavior, and most likely aren't even aware they WERE triggered in the first place.


3. THE TERM BORDERLINE

What does the word borderline mean? And why was it picked as the word to most accurately describe the illness? When I think about it, I'm LITERALLY on the borderline of being full blown fruitcake bat# crazy, it's just that I am (most times) aware of these often freakish thoughts and can manage to control myself, at least when it comes to the most severe ones. (What I mean with this is; I often fail(ed) to control rage directed towards material objects, or my own body, for example. I can't count the number of times my fist has lost a 1v1 with a wall, nor my head (which could explain quite a few things haha!... ).

It is a common theory nowadays to explain the (to many psychiatrists incorrect) name "borderline" by saying the illness is on the borderline of being many different illnesses. Well, instead, I like to think, somewhere along history, a psych (I even believe the first person to coin the term "borderline" is known by name, but I don't want to distract myself by finding it out, stars for whoever does!) had a patient like me, who was aware of the suggestions he was getting, but was also aware that they were dangerous and wanted to put and end to them, or at least, have his mind "checked". When he first told the doc the things he thought, I can imagine them being similar to what I listed below, the psych undoubtedly must have thought something along the lines of: "MY GOD, THIS MAN IS ON THE BORDER OF BEING A FULL BLOWN SERIALKILLER!". Literally standing at the borderline, one more step and he'd actually be killing people, executing the plans in his head. People who are better educated than me in the subject might disagree, and I would understand, so please do point out if my ideas are wrong! Borderline as a term covers so many symptoms and is different for all kinds of patients, for all I know my idea of borderline is very different from the illness that is today carrying it's name, and I'm just linking the name to how I personally experienced my own illness.

4. THIS IS NOT A NICE LIST

I would like to list what it is like to be me, what thoughts occur in my head on a daily basis, what pops up in my head when I least expect it. I WANT TO WARN EVERYBODY READING THIS THOUGH. If you are feint of heart, easily disgusted, have an imaginative mind but are easily disturbed by gory mental images or ideas, please, do not go ahead and read this list.

For some it might seem a bit ridiculous to put so much effort into putting "warning signs" for this list, but personally, I would appreciate a warning myself if another user were to post something like this, as my state of mind does not always allow reading stuff like what I'm about to post ahead, without possibly having a severe influence on my psyche.

This list is in random order, not at all chronologically ordered but written in the way they appeared in memory.

WARNING; See the above warning in CAPS before reading this list please

* Age 24, still suffering greatly from my mental condition, but seemingly on the way out, I wanted to be a carpenter. I took a course, learned the skills needed, and found a place to work as part of the course (they didn't have to hire me). Everything went fine, well, at least on the surface. Inside me, my mind was again playing tricks. I would get suggestive ideas such as "put your hand in the saw". When sanding workpieces my mind would constantly drift to imagining how bad the damage would be if I'd press down the big sanding belt on my hand, graphic imagery appeared of what the damage would look like, at times I think I could almost imagine the pain too. I'm sure you can imagine it is quite distracted, LET ALONE DANGEROUS, to distract yourself (unwillingly) while working with dangerous machinery… I believe this one was stress related, it intensified as soon as I was put in an actual workspace where stress played a much bigger role. Whenever I felt I couldn't handle the pressure that was put on me, my mind would seemingly search for ways out, but rather than just picking a normal route, a part inside me advised myself if I just slid my hand right through the sawblade, I'd be done with work, possibly with being a carpenter too, and I could get the f*** out of there...

For the rest of that day, I was sick to my stomach and couldn't think of anything else, it broke my heart not knowing why I can't allow myself to just "be normal", turned out there were still lot's of unresolved issues. I'm quite sure people noticed this. So I obviously still didn't get a job, and am currently still in counceling for this incident, as the course was part of a program to get me a job, and it's starting to become apparent this has failed miserably. Ironically, at that same workplace one of the employees had been working there since he was 18, his first and only job. He started recalling memories to me, one which confronted me with myself, again, and worse, one which implanted even more sickening thoughts in my head. His FIRST DAY ON THE JOB, he sawed off all 5 fingers with the radial arm saw. Unaware that the saw moved in the opposite direction, he put his hand in the wrong spot, getting ready to operate the saw, and accidentally upon starting the saw, ripped off half his hand. As he was telling his story, I got flashes of what it looked like, and my mind crumbled again as more ideas, more suggestive garbage that I can miss like cancer, were added to the cesspool of thoughts.

* I imagine I can see dead people in houses I go to. This might sound not that strange for some people, but well, it is disturbing to me. I lived with my partner and her mother for a while, and almost every time I went to the bathroom, when I opened the door, I'd get flashes in my head of a woman having hung herself from the ceiling. I'm not psychic, lol, I don't have a sixth sense, I know I'm imagining this, but these "images" pop up out of nowhere and seem to be linked to my actions or environment at that time. I have this in other places too. Might not be that strange though, I don't know...

* I was abused by both parents in varying degrees, ranging from emotional to verbal to physical. I have vivid memories of standing in the kitchen, facing the backs of my parents who were sitting in the sofa. In my mind, a spectacular bloodfest took place where I stabbed both of them in the backs of their necks, with the big chef knives that were hanging on a magnetic holder just inches away from me. I had it all figured out with Hollywood as my (uneducated) mentor. Dad first. I'd cut them up, put them in bags,… But, how'd I get them out of here without my sister noticing? Sorry sis, mom and dad always liked you better anyway and never treated you like they did your older sibling, I guess I can't have witnesses… They'd be away on holiday all the time anyway, all I'd have to do was lock the front door with the key to prevent anyone from entering, I'd have a week, easily! before someone would start getting suspicious. ((Wow, is the term "borderline event" appropriate here or what?)) Imagine being you at age 12, getting these suggestive thoughts about your parents, who you were raised to love, in a harsh, but most efficient way. It killed me inside, I went and hated myself for it, for wanting to kill the people that made me like this… I actually went and developed regressive behavior I believe, as I can't recall having a memory of these vicious thoughts for most of my later childhood/puberty. It was only until one of my first serious breakdowns and self-therapy sessions that I stumbled upon these hidden memories.

* One of my earliest memories is of my parents having went on holiday to London. I can only remember this because the videotape involved was of the Horror version of the Madame Tussaud museum, and we went there again at a later time when I was older. They brought back a souvenir tape of a video-tour of the museum, and on the back of the case, was a picture of a basket filled with chopped off heads from a guillotine. I can remember I would stare at the picture and imagine those were my parents heads, finally chopped off, finally setting me free. As I mentioned already, we went there again when I was older, 14 years I'd guess. I have a picture of them in those wooden braces they'd keep prisoners in in the middle ages that were waiting to be executed. I'm standing on the left in the role of executioner, holding a giant fake axe over their heads. They actually chose the setting, and afterward remarked in a most cruel way that I would probably wish it were real because according to them I didn't like my parents all that much anyway. It's important to note the age; my puberty was severely held back as was my mental development. At the time, I was somewhat going through what was supposed to be puberty, but I was a slave, mentally and physically, and my way of rebelling, moaning when I didn't like what I was told to do, was punished as if I had killed a box of kittens. When I did "rebel", it'd result in a huge fight, but one where I didn't get to say a word, and in London, the cherry on the pie was that little gem I wrote earlier; "You probably wish that was real, don't you, huh?" These people did not only not realize what they had done to their child, they were (un?)knowingly rubbing the consequences in it's face. I believe ever since then, the childhood memory resurfaced on my mind and it has been resurfacing now and then ever since.

* My sister is 2 years younger, she was the favorite, good grades, loved by all, beautiful girl. I had learning problems and was my mothers punching bag and my fathers biggest regret, or at least that's how he made me feel for most of my life. My mother was my father's punching bag, so in my feeble young mind, it was OK that I was next in line, seeing as I was the eldest. But that doesn't mean I didn't feel resentment too... I don't like to admit this, but to me it's almost logical that I learned to secretly despise my sister as a child. They gave her babysitting authority, she was 2 years younger and was in charge of paying attention if I didn't use the home computer… We both got an allowance, but she didn't even need one as most of what she wanted was gifted to her as soon as she got another good grade, so I stole from her. This is child's play, I know! However, one occasion frightens me most, and it is nothing compared to stealing. When we were very young (these memories are literally fragments, too young to remember more), I had a darts board that I played with. One day, we were out in the yard playing, when me and my sister got in a fight. Fights usually didn't last long, as there was always an authoritative figure near us to break us up, and the wrongdoer was usually, without even the need for an argument, me. So that day, I had had it, dad was not at home and I decided I'd take a dart, a real one, you know, the ones with an iron tip as well as a heavy iron grip, and throw it at my sister, who was easily 30 foot away. I'm not quite sure? but if that dart had hit her an inch to the left, I would have killed my sister. The dart pierced the top part of her ear, and actually hit so hard the inside of her earshell was damaged as well. What happened afterwards is pretty vague, my grandma was there and luckily for me, when she was around my mother was a saint. I'm sure we rushed her to the hospital or something. As for my punishment, I'm actually quite confused. Obviously, the darts game was taken away from me, but I have to be suppressing a negative memory or there was no severe punishment, and I'm actually pretty sure there just wasn't one. They were convinced it was an accident (a bit weird/naive, come to think of it) and my sister even recalls this every now and then, even mentioning how it was an accident and how it went through her ear entirely. I don't think she remembers it all that much, she must have been no older than 4 at the time.


5. MENTAL PROGRAMMING FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNSTABLE

So where do all those graphic ideas and mental images come from, one might ask, seeing as though yes, a medieval man was as likely as me to be confronted with a man hanging from a noose, a severed food or a slit throat, the intensity with which ideas are being fired into my brain today, is of a whole other level I'm convinced.

The movie the sixth sense, I'm very sure, has implanted the idea of "seeing dead people" (see the list). This is not a natural concept, one does not stumble upon this idea naturally, or at least I don't think so… I think movies can indeed be used to "program" people. (Take this term vaguely, a program/software can be installed on a HDD, but that doesn't mean it's always running. An idea being injected into the viewers mind is what I use the term "program" for in this case, I think) The psychologically unstable are very very vulnerable for this kind of programming and are very unlikely to be the ones discovering that they are being influenced purposefully. I, on the other hand, am quite aware what this stuff can do with my brain, I can almost feel it when it happens, when ideas enter, and when they "reappear". Again, like software being installed that is extremely difficult to remove, I have pictures and ideas in my head that can pop up like spam and is just as hard to get away. I don't feel like I'm being programmed by movies purposefully, mind you. But if I were to be put in front of a TV and you'd show me that stuff 24/7, I can't start to imagine what it'd do to me. Perhaps even the most stable mind can be cracked like this, but we're talking about psychological patients in general here.

Hypnotizing people to kill someone once triggered? Of course it's possible! This is the most basic one in my opinion and I'm 100% convinced it has been going since at least Egyptian times. (I do not have any sources for this, I'm simply basing this on the fact that in my opinion there was easily enough knowledge of the human mind to be able to use this information and "manipulate" people) ANY person who tells me he is 100% convinced it is impossible, just makes it obvious to me he has no idea what it is like to have psychological issues, and should be happy with such a stable mind, as to not be able to even fathom the idea of it being possible. It is possible, people can be broken, their psyches destroyed to be rebuilt as designed by the breaker.

Do some research on emotional abuse, often combined with physical abuse, it is the most efficient tool used to; 1. cause split minds in very young subjects, 2. break adult subjects into submission 3. put people into submission in general without them even really realizing.

I think a nice example of point 3 is Gordon Ramsey. He is an emotional abuser that is tolerated by the American public because it is so amusing to see him scream at scared tv-show candidates. Well here's some news for you; This kind of intimidation, though for some hilarious, is far from "normal" and to someone like me, is an indication of someone who has some deep rooted issues as well. You learn to be an emotional abuser by being emotionally abused, I know this because I am an emotional abuser myself and I didn't even know it. It took me nearly 26 years (well not really but OK) to find out that I actually emotionally abused the # out of my partner. I'm still recovering from this, let alone my partner.

6. THE HUMAN FAMILY; DYSFUNCTIONAL & #ED UP TILL HELL WOULDN'T HAVE HER

I read a nice quote somewhere a while ago; "Humanity is one big dysfunctional family, #ed up till hell wouldn't have her"

What if there are actually a lot of people suffering from some form of psychiatric malfunctioning. I don't believe it's very healthy or natural if you have thoughts such as the one I described, and if you can relate, perhaps it is time to think about these thoughts and where they come from.

My parents beat the # out of me, my father would storm into me and my sisters rooms and would accuse us of the most horrendous #, if we didn't stop acting like little #s (we were angels, beaten on a daily base), our mother would die any day now. When he was gone, my mother had a very colorful choice of words to call him, though not one of them was "father", "dad", or any other normal name to call the person you're supposed to love, but deep down inside despise so much you could kill him.

Then when he came back, of course the above quickly had to be converted to "loving happy family", making it very easy to understand how a child can be "programmed" to have a split identity. And that's just one example of personal analysis I have done, broken down in it's most basic elements, in my opinion it can become very clear what exactly went on in retrospect, and how it can easily be replicated to create the resulted effects on purpose.


This has been going on since Adam and Eve if you believe in them. Emotional abusers, like I said earlier, create emotional abusers. It's not always the case, but so so many psychological patients report emotional, verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse in their childhoods. It's a vicious circle, I'm sure my father was emotionally abused, he didn't learn any better either. But I want to break that cycle, I think I'm the first in a long line to finally see the surface again, to finally realize that this is not normal, that this is not the way. I was emotionally abused and the only way I have learned to give love is the way I received it, in a dysfunctional #ed up way. But I can change this, and I have and will continue to.




It doesn't take a genius to figure this out. It also doesn't take a genius to figure out what it would take to # up this nice family a little more, step by step, every day a little further.

If there were a global intention to # us all up to the point of no return, I think they're doing a great job. I don't know any percentages, but I'd gamble my possessions on the fact that not only have the number of psychological cases skyrocketed, as has the number of sexually obsessed, which is a whole different subjects. (Yeah, I'm sexually obsessed too, thank you society and thank you corporate mediamachine, for feeding my mind crap for the past 20 years, so much so, that I can no longer distinguish the crap from the genuine experiences, due to which I can no longer enjoy neither anymore)




So, now tell me something, why is it whenever I'm watching TV nowadays, I actually have to put effort into finding something that does not include explicit violence and or sex?

a reply to: Strawberry88

Post 5 (I hope it won't be this long but just to be on the safe side )

a reply to: Strawberry88

Do you have magic powers?

originally posted by: EA006
a reply to: Strawberry88

Do you have magic powers?

Can I ask you why you ask me this question?


(Sorry if the parts are taking a while, I have my text ready but I'm reading, adding and correcting as I go)

a reply to: EA006
Perhaps you are right to be cynical, but I must admit, i look for such posts, that are more believable than most, more genuine, more authentic….because, let's face it, the situation presented is quite real, with a lot of pretenders ascribing to it.

Having said that, maybe this one is real. More than one can be real, you know. We've, many of us, been through what is described, after all. So I peruse, read, and vet, and wonder…….

Tet

originally posted by: tetra50
a reply to: EA006
Perhaps you are right to be cynical, but I must admit, i look for such posts, that are more believable than most, more genuine, more authentic….because, let's face it, the situation presented is quite real, with a lot of pretenders ascribing to it.

Having said that, maybe this one is real. More than one can be real, you know. We've, many of us, been through what is described, after all. So I peruse, read, and vet, and wonder…….

Tet

I'm not quite sure I follow and though I am aware what the gray area is, I am a bit confused...

I'm not going to tell you I have been programmed by anyone, so if you or the poster you are replying to is expecting anything like that, I'd have to disappoint...


I put this in the gray because in my opinion, my ideas may be far fetched for some. Perhaps this could easily fit in a more standard forum, I will leave that up to the mods


But again, I'll repeat, I'm not part of MK Ultra, I have not been programmed, ... I'm trying to link my personal experience with what I believe MK Ultra to be at it's core, or what it's foundation principle could be.

I will expand on this in chapter 5, but it is important to understand where I'm coming from, to get an idea what it is like to have my brain, that you read the following chapters as well. Especially people who are hard set in their beliefs of experiments such as MK Ultra not being possible. I'm here to try and convince you that, from the point of view of a possible subject of such programming, it is very much doable and even probable.

a reply to: Strawberry88

If that's your intent, then you are not clear. just saying. sorry to respond to your thread. Jut supporting what I thought was your experience and intent to deliver what it was……sorry
You can be assured I will no longer comment as I apparently don't understand what you are relating and I am too old to argue over supporting what I think I read.
tet

originally posted by: tetra50

I will expand on this in chapter 5, but it is important to understand where I'm coming from, to get an idea what it is like to have my brain, that you read the following chapters as well. Especially people who are hard set in their beliefs of experiments such as MK Ultra not being possible. I'm here to try and convince you that, from the point of view of a possible subject of such programming, it is very much doable and even probable.

a reply to: Strawberry88

If that's your intent, then you are not clear. just saying. sorry to respond to your thread. Jut supporting what I thought was your experience and intent to deliver what it was……sorry
You can be assured I will no longer comment as I apparently don't understand what you are relating and I am too old to argue over supporting what I think I read.
tet

Too bad you're letting this thread go simply because

1. I most likely put it in the wrong sub-forum



2. English is not my mother language and apparently I have already included a huge red flag for some people in my earliest post. Unintentionally so, as I think grammatical differences are responsible for a lot of miscommunications, such as this one. So...


PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF!

(I believe you are referring to this part, correct?)

"from the point of view of a possible subject of such programming"


I can see myself as a POSSIBLE SUBJECT, I do not feel as if I POSSIBLY AM a subject. Not in the least!!!


I feel my psychological condition is one that, if MK Ultra was or is being used, were one that COULD be susceptible to this kind of programming.

I guess this thread is intended as a missing link between people who could ACTUALLY BE programmed, and the concept of programming people in general.







If this is not what you mean, could you please elaborate? Or can anyone else?

I'm not here for stars, I'm not here for attention, I will readily admit that yes, I have psychological issues, but I am here to share ideas, theories, talk about experiences that are NOT RELATED TO BEING A MONARCH VICTIM OR OTHER UNBELIEVABLE CRAP.

If I were to believe in MK Ultra, I wouldn't believe a victim would be able to tell he had been programmed, let alone would he be allowed to go talk about it on ATS. But even then, it's a big IF.

This is all hypothetical, I know MK Ultra has been disclosed, that's all that's certain and I never subscribe to theories that are nothing more than that, theories.

But that does not mean I do not like to discuss them, and this one in general is interesting to me, as I feel I can relate to how it COULD work, not how it does work, big difference there.

Awww, I feel like a dumbass for chasing off the only two interested people by (I think) making a grammatical mistake...

Probably doesn't help that I put this in the gray either


Reported myself, maybe this belongs somewhere else so people don't judge before they've read every post instead of only the first one (which is my bad for posting in parts)

Do not fear. Yes, I am a believer and sufferer of MK Ultra. Read about it. I'll give you links in private messages if you want them….

there are many of us. we are struggilng, just like you…

we strive, i think.
we look for others like us….
and then, commiserate
and wonder and try to survive
tet

Hi Strawberry,

You didn't chase me away. I'm interested in hearing the rest of your story, and I did not misunderstand what you were trying to convey. I was impressed with all the insight you have put into your thread, and the organization. I think you have a good theory. Please continue.

I corresponded for a bit with a fellow who is schizophrenic. He is an artist and his subject matter is very dark. He told me the things he draws and paints are what he sees every day, and the art helps him deal with it. Similar things to what you have described. He said he used to be frightened all the time from his hallucinations. I can't blame him. I was relating the things he told me to your description of how the awful thoughts come into your mind and you can't get rid of them.

I am bipolar and while I don't that such disturbing images as the two of you describe, I do get anxiety and fear that comes unexpectedly and is very hard to push away. I think it must be similar, but where mine is a nameless, faceless, generalized fear and discomfort, you have actual mental images and thoughts of the scary/bad stuff.

a reply to: Strawberry88

originally posted by: tetra50
Do not fear. Yes, I am a believer and sufferer of MK Ultra. Read about it. I'll give you links in private messages if you want them….

there are many of us. we are struggilng, just like you…

we strive, i think.
we look for others like us….
and then, commiserate
and wonder and try to survive
tet

And here I am, telling myself I'm chasing away people because I'm giving you the impression I feel I'm programmed, when in fact it's what you were somewhat looking to hear? But maybe not in the way I put it or have interpreted it?

You can always send me links, in fact, I love receiving selected documentation. I have read a bit, though I must admit, not nearly enough, as my main focus has always been internal and personal, as I feel that is the only thing in my life that is certain and real, of which I can know it is checked and double checked, as I'm the one doing the checking I'm only recently beginning to understand how it could well be related to all the theories I read about.



It's curious you say you are a sufferer from MKU. Am I wrong when I think MKU could possibly have to be reinterpreted as a global effort just as well, perhaps just under a different name? Or do you feel you were a chosen victim that has received customized programming? I don't feel this way, I feel like I'm being targeted unintentionally, like a net of a certain size dragging through the ocean, only catching the fish the fisherman wants to catch, letting the unwanted ones slip through.

On a daily basis, I feel like I'm being attacked, more specifically by television and advertisement. Most people only subconsciously experience this and that's why ads work for example, I believe.

Many people see television as entertaining, but I feel for some, it's more than that, or subconsciously, it does more than entertain these people. I'm one of them, but I realize when it happens. But what if you don't? What if you just absorb & absorb till you eventually become it because your mind has consumed only the negatives and pushed out everything positive? Because that's how I've felt in the past, drained of everything positive, by the negatives that are being fired at me over an extended period of time.





It's not a popular opinion but I am of the idea that yes, video games DO influence people.

Sorry, it's not popular to say, I know, but again, if you'd have my brain for one day, my GOD, you'd understand



There's something sickly satisfying about shooting a virtual character through the brain, and the more and more technology advances, the more and more they add realism. Again, for many this is pure entertainment and I understand this! I can experience it as entertainment as well!!! But I can too, at times when my mental state does not allow this kind of outside influence, experience it in a way that, according to me, is the reason why some people believe videogames CAN influence you. Because they can they influence ME, isn't that enough evidence? One person admitting that yes, videogames make me agressive and videogames can have an influence on your mind if you are psychologically unstable?




I have destroyed up to 2000$ worth of Playstation gear, it could well be more, and it don't have that much money that I can be throwing consoles around all day...

I have sent private messages over the playstation network, wishing cancer upon my opponents, I have threatened people over the internet for losing a freaking dollar on internet poker, rage is something you can never understand unless you experience it. Certain events can take my brain to depths I still can not believe exist in my own head, but they do, and I will have to learn to live with it...

When I wake up the day after and see I've received a message, that is actually a reply to one of my rants, I often feel so ashamed of myself, I can't believe I let myself go again, it's that simple, it's that easy, and it happens that fast. I've sent people apologies over the years, though I still feel like a complete asshole for taking something as trivial as a stupid videogame so serious as to actually wish horrible suffering onto other people...


Videogames never made me kill anyone, that's true, but I can imagine someone less aware of himself and his f# up thoughts taking what I described above, just a little bit further, especially when you throw in some real life bullying, bad parenting, access to weaponry (this is not an anti gun thread, a knife can be as lethal in a crazy man's hands) and just an overly unstable psychological healthy. And sadly, it's a deadly cocktail that maybe does occur every now and then in such a severe way that it does create serial killer type people...

a reply to: Strawberry88

I have only read part of your posts but from that I read, seems imagery and sounds from the subconscious is not being filtered when you are awake. It use to happen to me just before sleep (very load noises screams, laughter etc) and was frightening to say the least until I realized it was my subconscious dream state that had switched on before I was fully asleep. Upon realization it occurred less often so believe it may have been brought on by tension and that tension fed on itself making things worse. So with your troubled childhood I am wondering what tensions you have bottled up in your head. Perhaps find someone very experienced in real meditation (hindu), explain your current situation, and try bring down your brain to a less troubled state (meditation can be very powerful).

And don't watch television if it troubles you, many don't.

Good luck.

a reply to: Strawberry88

Im going to thow in my 2 cents here. When I had some problems, I ended up getting Buddhist psychotherapy which really helped me. Now here's what these buddhists do: When they have a thought like about dismembering themselves, they embrace it, own it, until its expressed itself fully to them, then they let it float away. However what a lot of other people is they reject it, freak out, and see it as not being part of themselves. This creates disassociation, and they get a schism, a split: good thoughts that are theirs, bad thoughts that are not theirs.

However to the people using this Buddhist technique, NONE of the thoughts are theirs. Its ALL MKULTRA, so to speak, thoughts come to us and express themselves, and they go. They seek within themselves a place of peace beyond all thoughts. I dont really understand your whole situation at all, but I can tell you that this sort of meditating can bring a little peace in the face of serious challenges.

originally posted by: gwynnhwyfar
Hi Strawberry,

You didn't chase me away. I'm interested in hearing the rest of your story, and I did not misunderstand what you were trying to convey. I was impressed with all the insight you have put into your thread, and the organization. I think you have a good theory. Please continue.

I corresponded for a bit with a fellow who is schizophrenic. He is an artist and his subject matter is very dark. He told me the things he draws and paints are what he sees every day, and the art helps him deal with it. Similar things to what you have described. He said he used to be frightened all the time from his hallucinations. I can't blame him. I was relating the things he told me to your description of how the awful thoughts come into your mind and you can't get rid of them.

I am bipolar and while I don't that such disturbing images as the two of you describe, I do get anxiety and fear that comes unexpectedly and is very hard to push away. I think it must be similar, but where mine is a nameless, faceless, generalized fear and discomfort, you have actual mental images and thoughts of the scary/bad stuff.

a reply to: Strawberry88

I have bad anxiety too and have had for as long as I can remember. As a child I would spend hours awake in bed listening because every night I was afraid people would break into our house and kill my parents. I heard stories on the news of poor children in the middle east sleeping with 8 in one bed, all stabbed to death in their sleep. Even as a child, these stories turned into graphic novels in my head, keeping me up every night, filling my head with garbage that has no place in a child's mind.

If it wasn't home invaders killing my parents, it'd be a fire engulfing our house, or a fictitious flood taking me off somewhere, floating on my bed all alone.


At times I wonder how irrational those fears actually are for a child, is it not normal for every child to fear for the safety of their parents at one point or another? I must admit, I had these anxieties on a fairly frequent scale, so I'm not quite sure it was all that healthy after all. Ironic though in my case, how I went from fearing for their lives, to wishing they would die, even to the point of me fantasizing about killing them myself...


The anxiety took on less specific forms over the years though. I can certainly recognize the way you describe your anxiety!



I'm an artist too, funny, my mom always saw this in me, she said, yet my father had very different plans for me. Didn't turn out as he wanted though, as currently I'm quite sure he doesn't see much he can be proud of! But I don't care, I do care when I'm with him, he still has me in his control (he still is my controller!!), but a big part of me has convinced myself that I don't have to fear him anymore, that it's my life and I have to make myself happy.

So now I'm 26, have never in my life had a real job and am working on a career as an artists. I grow organic herb which helps me tremendously though I would never recommend it to people with psychological issues as the herb also has the negative side-effect of making you forget your worries, which in my case led to some serious emotional constipation!!! But it got better, I quit herb for two days, my emotions drained completely, and when I started again, it was medicine again rather than just numbing my mind down to not feeling emotional pain.

My art revolves around herb and my illness as well, but since this is illegal/decriminalized where I live, it's still a very taboo subject. But I feel happy, I like working around the subject, yet I don't limit myself to it, I've done related and non-related furniture, fashion, graphic design,... I'll probably never work a 9 to 5 job, but then again, who knows what kind of welcoming environment I might one day stumble across that does allow me to take some stress during the day!

An organic growery, a dispensary, a chill art-studio,... why not If you're going for something in life, might as well make it something you really really want and something that you know'll make you happy. I think I've found mine, only issue that remains is how I handle it, but slowly, I'm getting to the point where I just enjoy doing what I do instead of thinking about what I'm doing is right or not and if my peers would approve



Going severely offtopic here I'm getting the impression, but the thread could use a positive note, no?

originally posted by: tridentblue
a reply to: Strawberry88

Im going to thow in my 2 cents here. When I had some problems, I ended up getting Buddhist psychotherapy which really helped me. Now here's what these buddhists do: When they have a thought like about dismembering themselves, they embrace it, own it, until its expressed itself fully to them, then they let it float away. However what a lot of other people is they reject it, freak out, and see it as not being part of themselves. This creates disassociation, and they get a schism, a split: good thoughts that are theirs, bad thoughts that are not theirs.

However to the people using this Buddhist technique, NONE of the thoughts are theirs. Its ALL MKULTRA, so to speak, thoughts come to us and express themselves, and they go. They seek within themselves a place of peace beyond all thoughts. I dont really understand your whole situation at all, but I can tell you that this sort of meditating can bring a little peace in the face of serious challenges.

Yes, very good! What you are describing comes down to what the Western world has dubbed Mindfullness, correct?

It's a common technique recommended to treat borderline, as well as psychotherapy and psychoanalysis.

Thank you for your 2 cents which are obviously worth a lot more than that


I might sound enthusiastic but it's probably also apparent I can still use your advice, and it's true! But I'm aware of the technique and have applied it in the past, it works Helps me chill, when I do "explode" and I manage to go inside my head, I can tell myself it's okay that that happened, as long as I stop it right now, which I never fail to do, because rationality can beat rage, it's just hard to get to a state of rationalizing instead of letting the rage consume you.





Can I ask if your example of monks thinking about dismembering themselves is based upon an actual example, or are you just applying the technique to an example of mine? Because I do feel there is a difference between letting go of thoughts such as;

"You are so fat and ugly!" or "Goddamnit if this asshole shoots me one more time I'm going to smash this controller through the television"

and

"Just stick your hand in the saw! Look at the bloody mess you'll create! Damn these people will think you're either f# clumsy or mentally insane!"


The first two, I have no problem whatsoever letting go nowadays, but the second one? Damn, still shocks me... And in a state of shock, it's not all that easy to tell yourself to be aware of the moment. I'm sure it works, but I do see a difference, hence the question...

Were there cases mentioned that lead you to give me this example?

originally posted by: glend
a reply to: Strawberry88

I have only read part of your posts but from that I read, seems imagery and sounds from the subconscious is not being filtered when you are awake. It use to happen to me just before sleep (very load noises screams, laughter etc) and was frightening to say the least until I realized it was my subconscious dream state that had switched on before I was fully asleep. Upon realization it occurred less often so believe it may have been brought on by tension and that tension fed on itself making things worse. So with your troubled childhood I am wondering what tensions you have bottled up in your head. Perhaps find someone very experienced in real meditation (hindu), explain your current situation, and try bring down your brain to a less troubled state (meditation can be very powerful).

And don't watch television if it troubles you, many don't.

Good luck.

Thank you for joining in! What you're saying sounds familiar indeed, I do believe I still have lots bottled up, but I don't even need stuff bottled up, it's even dangling in front of my nose every day!

My parents pretend they were amazing parents, they had it good financially and in their narrow minds, that should have been enough to raise children. To this day they ignore everything they have done and when I dare mention my feelings they emotionally blackmail me so I just shut up immediately. My mom starts crying and asks me why I think she was such a bad parent, my father returns my attempts to reason with him by making me feel ungrateful.

So yes, there is still lots left on my plate, and I have a long journey ahead, I'm well aware!

I have meditated in the past, I loved it and it helped me, but I dropped it, due to another major depression I guess which took me from doing great, but still not feeling normal (not working, no friends, arguments everyday, etc) all the way back to ground zero.


I still watch television, I'm very visual oriented, but I watch a lot of nature documentaries, discovery channel, NGC etc. Watching animals, fish in particular, has a soothing effect on me, and I wouldn't want to give up the positives of television (because c'mon, if you're honest, television does have it's positives) because of the garbage they broadcast 24/7 on some channels.




Talking about television made me think of some more points, added a new chapter that fits right after my closing note, if interested, please check above!