Borderline/Psychiatric Illness and MK Ultra / Mind Programming

I had a read of your thread today , and then thinking of my childhood stuff , I searched on the net for information and found a very good site that really helped me label and box up my issues .
After reading as much hard going stuff , as I could , I noticed that some of the help /solutions offered were hypnosis
which I am not that keen on.
It was especially good finding someone who could articulate some of the stuff I have been trying to work out for years.
1%

Ahh damn, seems I can no longer edit my reserved post, no biggie, here's chapter 7!


7. TELEVISION, ULTRAVIOLENCE, SEX
(some sexually explicit language)

I feel like naming a few shows that have driven me to the edge of insanity and back! First one is plain unhealthy and sick when you think about it. Though I can't ask this kind of program is removed from television, I do think it's not a bad idea to reevaluate things like this and how they affect certain groups of society. Eventually it all comes down to personal responsibility, but that's where the issue lies, some people don't feel personal responsibility

Second one is sexual and I feel like including it as this remains a huge issue as I feel I have been psychologically damaged by outside influenced, and my intentional self-exposure to them.

Sex in the 21st century has become a weapon, I feel, used against those who have insecurities surrounding it and, thanks to the media, that is now possibly quite a large number of people. It SHOULD be something you explore and get comfortable about with a steady partner, imo. You learn to trust each other first, sex is intimacy nearing it's purest form. You get to know each others bodies, what you like,... This can take decades and should be an ongoing experiment for both partners involved. Or at least that's how I see it.

Popular media, however, teaches teens and adults alike, that it is actually an activity you should perform with as many people as possible. This way, you'll never get real comfortable with someone, you'll never become truly intimate and you'll never learn what your partner desires and requires from you. Not to mention the risk of getting STD's, getting pregnant or impregnating your partner,... However, at the same time (!) popular media also shows us how some skank from sex and the city can manage to receive multiple orgasms time and time again from a daily stranger she never met before, all based on the simple premise that his penis is probably large enough to cause such a thing. Again, apparent from the positions they are in, practically so there doesn't actually have to be intercourse, and visually because this is exactly the effect the producers are probably after, exaggeration.

I thought s&s was oriented towards women, and the lead actresses are seen by women all over the world as heroines, but my question remains; Why? Why do so many women adore other women who pollute their minds with ideas that are out of this world? Every sexual expert will tell you that the female orgasm is 90% in the mind and though there are women out there so sensitive they CAN achieve what is portrayed, (in the extreme, there are women who can orgasm from having their nipples touched, for example (where's the fun in that??)) I have to wonder, why a television program CLEARLY not intended with this physically oversensitive minority as it's target audience, only shows the non-target audience what they can achieve, all the while promising millions of women something they are simply anatomically incapable of, and neglecting to show them how it CAN be done.

Perhaps I have not seen enough of this series, but I know I've seen more than enough to conclude that it is unrealistic to the point where it is psychologically potentially dangerous. I've read women rip themselves to shreds over not boing able to orgasm. Or not being able to orgasm 15 times in 5 minutes! There are men that believe if they don't sport a 12" penis they can never satisfy a woman!!!!! I USED TO BE ONE OF THESE MEN and (without wanting to brag, average is fine) my twisted mind even went as far as to make myself forget that I HURT MY PARTNER the first year of intercourse! There was nothing wrong with my equipment, there WAS something wrong with the ideas that were projected into my head and how they affected the way I experienced sex, and evaluated my own sexual relationship.


So the examples;

* Dexter . Oh my god, this is is very, very, very, very, very, very bad if you have psychological issues. This is a video manual for becoming a serial killer and they are not even trying to pretend otherwise, it makes my stomach turn, especially since I really liked watching it. I never once intentionally looked it up, but one day when going through the channels I stumbled upon it and kept watching. Big mistake! Other less severe stuff that did leave some scars is True Blood, also lot's of movies with graphic stuff in them like Saw,... I don't even know why I watched most of the Saw movies, it doesn't get much more twisted than that, but my sick mind craves it too at times, it almost seems.

* Jersey shore and every similar garbage program. This bullsh#t comedy award deserving utter crap messes with my mind, and I'm quite convinced, with the minds of millions of teenagers worldwide. The way they represent going out, sex, sexual encounters and relationships, is so far removed from reality, that when I watched this program, at times it felt like I was in another dimension because I realize this sh#t is so fake it could be a parody of real life, yet it STILL has an influence on me!!!!
The same guy scoring a threesome multiple nights in a row, and as if that's not enough, next you see a candid camera of them under the sheets, pretending to be getting it on, in positions that I from experience know are IMPOSSIBLE unless physics changed or they had bodies hidden under their clothes with qualities that would match those of a Tsjernobyl mutant. I mean, when you're pretending to be having sex, at least don't make it look as if you'd need a 2 foot long p#nis to even be able to penetrate the way you're positioned under the covers!!

It's all too easy to forget that there are cameras in these peoples faces the entire time, but when you think about it, even if you're skanky enough to join your friend for a threesome with some guy you just met, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be doing it in front of a camera crew for free! But how many people think about this when they watch crap like this? How many teenagers actually go as far as to think a second and go "hmm, I'm not quite sure that's how it actually happened! Perhaps those are paid actresses?"

This might not seem all that bad, but to a lot of unexperienced teenagers, this has replaced sex ed, think about it again now They're being force-fed this crap and most of them will never learn any better!

MTV has an entire line-up of this cr#p and it's being force fed to young people every day!

originally posted by: my1percent
I had a read of your thread today , and then thinking of my childhood stuff , I searched on the net for information and found a very good site that really helped me label and box up my issues .
After reading as much hard going stuff , as I could , I noticed that some of the help /solutions offered were hypnosis
which I am not that keen on.
It was especially good finding someone who could articulate some of the stuff I have been trying to work out for years.
1%

Hello and thank you for sharing!

Nice to hear it possibly helped in some way! I'm glad if I can help people get a better understanding of their own mind, especially if they learn something themselves! That's the only correct way, nobody, not even Freud, can truly tell you who you are and what you feel, they can only help.

I can understand your skepticism towards hypnosis though I'm not sure if we share the same doubts. I'm quite convinced it works, I've read books on the subject and I think I have a basic understanding of how it works, it doesn't work for everyone either so it's likely linked to psychological strength as well I believe.

However, I'm only skeptical towards the hypnotist, not towards the technique, I don't know if this is you concern too? Unless I had someone in the room observing his actions, I'd never be able to trust someone that far as to let them do with me as they pleased without me having any say in things.

I think you find weak spots that are either present in the psyche or they're not, and you use/abuse them, much like a hacker seeing if there's a firewall and when there's not, he can get easier access and can install whatever trojans or worms he wants!

a reply to: Strawberry88

Hey Strawberry, yes, I can positively guarantee you that monks face that exact sort of thing. One meditation they do is on the idea of skulls on decomposing corpses, to realize the impermanent nature of human existence, so they don't shy away from gore. Also, Bardo Thodol (the Tibetan book of the Dead), which describes the expectations of the after life, has each soul on dying confronting the "Lord of Death", which will present you with the most terrifying images you can imagine. If you can see he has no substance and is illusion, you can be reach Nirvana on death, otherwise, you will tend to reincarnate. Its also said that when the Buddha was sitting under the tree, just before reaching enlightenment, the forces of illusion threw everything, absolutely everything terrifying at him, demeaning him and telling him he was nothing. The Buddha answered with the "lion's roar", and attained Nirvana.

And then of course there is the Buddhist story of the two tigers, the traveller and the strawberry. Each tiger wanted to be the one who 8 - mean ate - the traveller. Read it here:
workingwithinsight.wordpress.com...
One tiger, one mouse, is the mind you feel you control. The other is MKULTRA side, the external side. The master, they claim, moves past both, and seizes a power that transcends the board these other actors are playing on. This story is many hundreds of years old.

So the point is, pain, existential threat, dismemberment, being eaten by tigers, these are old parts of the human story from the view of these monks. I'm not saying that to play down what you're going through, 99% of people will not know that kind of stress, of intensity, EVER in their lives. I'm just trying to say that you're not totally alone, and there are powers in you - and places of peace - that are available to you, which are really important to remember as you pass through these trials.

a reply to: tridentblue

Very interesting reply, thank you very much, I will have a better read in a couple of hours and will get back to you on your post!!

So the point is, pain, existential threat, dismemberment, being eaten by tigers, these are old parts of the human story from the view of these monks. I'm not saying that to play down what you're going through, 99% of people will not know that kind of stress, of intensity, EVER in their lives. I'm just trying to say that you're not totally alone, and there are powers in you - and places of peace - that are available to you, which are really important to remember as you pass through these trials.

I'm well aware I'm not alone, I'm actually quite sure more people than we might want to believe can feel this way at one point or another, an inheritage of the human family, no doubt... Thank you as well for reminding me that there are indeed powers in me that I tend to forget CAN take me to peaceful places indeed. But trials, they are!

That's part of why I'm reaching out, I have been questioning myself on how I would like to expose myself out there and this topic I felt rather comfortable writing about. I could as well have started from the inside and stayed there too, but it would have been a bland topic that wouldn't lead to much either. This involves so many people, even the ones that are unconsciously affected by it, they should at least be aware, in my opinion.

Do you agree with my idea that MKU could well be a global effort under an entirely different name? Or when you use MKU are you referring to a non-man-made idea? Such as external influences on the subconscious mind in general? Because I think there is a difference between an actually steered movement (like I'm suggesting there could well be some form of MKU that has global intentions), and what "flies around" subconsciously without anyone trying to steer it in a certain direction.

In reading your story it appears that you have already found your little bit crazy doctor, yourself. By making the decision that you do want something better for your life and better than your parents life, you have put yourself onto a path for a better life. As for how much better is up to you and just how strong you desire, intention, belief and commitment is to making this decision for a better life.

Lots of thoughts go through our heads oat times for lots of different reason's, the thoughts you act on define you more than the thoughts you have. If you where not intentionality thinking about the damage a saw can do while working with one, might you of had an accidental slip like your friend? Being well aware of what a saw can do to your body is important.

For the continual negative thoughts, antidepressants is one option worth considering.

When it comes to losing control in a situation this is an important one to get on top of. Things end up broken and you lose respect. Maybe try forgiveness.

originally posted by: kwakakev
In reading your story it appears that you have already found your little bit crazy doctor, yourself. By making the decision that you do want something better for your life and better than your parents life, you have put yourself onto a path for a better life. As for how much better is up to you and just how strong you desire, intention, belief and commitment is to making this decision for a better life.

Lots of thoughts go through our heads oat times for lots of different reason's, the thoughts you act on define you more than the thoughts you have. If you where not intentionality thinking about the damage a saw can do while working with one, might you of had an accidental slip like your friend? Being well aware of what a saw can do to your body is important.

For the continual negative thoughts, antidepressants is one option worth considering.

When it comes to losing control in a situation this is an important one to get on top of. Things end up broken and you lose respect. Maybe try forgiveness.

I think this is one of the most sound,sane replies, under the circumstances you described, I have ever friggin read.

Lots of good advice here. The gist of which is, it doesn't matter what got you into your current quandary and who or what may be the reason, but HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PROCEED. I write that as much for me as for you, for that's the affect it had on me and what I was able to take away from this response.
This is invaluable, really, and why those of us who keep coming here, well…keep coming here: In hopes we see something like this that hits home in a big way, and allows us to get up tomorrow morning,.

what can I say beyond that. I am listening to Hotel California, long version, and it equates with everything you've written here…….when I began to realize I wasn't the only one experiencing reality, I realized it through songs, literature, art, and poltiical commentary…..
on t his site, it's called "waking up."

That's what that means. We may have come about it in many different ways, or similar ones: MK Ultra, I found, though had many personal details of my childhood that could only have been mine, was really shared by many, many people with vast experiences, but….
their realization that they were occupying a Hotel California experience, was uniform……

sorry, i tried reloading that utube video a few times…..seems i'm a little lacking in that dept., but not lacking in caring about your situation, for true. your thread has touched me more than most., thanks and i wish you the best, while knowing it's difficult. can i say…..read here more than you write, at first….there's so much to learn, and we learn it by reading others' experiences…..really
tet
feel free to u2u me anytime….

originally posted by: kwakakev
In reading your story it appears that you have already found your little bit crazy doctor, yourself. By making the decision that you do want something better for your life and better than your parents life, you have put yourself onto a path for a better life. As for how much better is up to you and just how strong you desire, intention, belief and commitment is to making this decision for a better life.

Yes, perhaps I have found him Though I can admit that is also maybe why I wrote this thread, to test my theories, to test my self knowledge, to see if someone can point out inconsistencies or obvious flaws in my ideas, because I can trust a psych knows what he's talking about, but it's not that easy trusting yourself to study yourself, knowing you have issues! What if I'm just kidding myself into another cycle of getting better and regressing? I can never know.

Lots of thoughts go through our heads oat times for lots of different reason's, the thoughts you act on define you more than the thoughts you have. If you where not intentionality thinking about the damage a saw can do while working with one, might you of had an accidental slip like your friend? Being well aware of what a saw can do to your body is important.

That's actually a really clever way of looking at it and I have never seen it in this light before. Thanks a lot! It's much better to see it as me being aware of the danger, rather than seeing it as me 'wanting' the danger. Though I do feel I shouldn't neglect the warning signs, because maybe that's what they were, my body and my mind warning/telling me that I was not emotionally ready for what I was about to commit my life too. But in retrospect, yes, it's a good idea too look at it as being aware of the danger and who knows, potentially I was even subconsciously aware of the danger that COULD occur if stress distracted me in any other way, actually possibly saving me a hand! I just wish it didn't have to be in such a shocking and graphic way.

For the continual negative thoughts, antidepressants is one option worth considering.

When it comes to losing control in a situation this is an important one to get on top of. Things end up broken and you lose respect. Maybe try forgiveness.

Antidepressants I don't think I'll ever be in favor of. I won't say never either, but I'm not too keen on experimenting with the effects to see which ones work, to deal with the side effects, etc. I have some organic medicine that helps, only problem is that borderline and substance abuse go hand in hand, but knowing me, I would probably not stick to my recommended dosage of other meds either, I'm not sure really...

Forgiveness & Respect; Last time I went from slightly pissed to raging mad in a split second, and I had another mini-outburst, I stormed through the house, usually looking for more material casualties of my wrath, but this time, I forgave myself! I told myself in my mind; It's OK, if you stop now, no harm is done, but if you continue like you used to, you will feel more shame leading to more destructive behavior.

This helped tremendously, to understand that I have a problem and to note feel self-shame about it. If I'M not going to help myself, who is? If I'M not going to tell myself that when I'm acting like an animal, it's actually OK to return to "normal", nobody will! Nobody would dare talk to me in that state, and I understand them!! But I can talk to myself, I only have to remember.

When I lose myself, I don't feel I deserve respect, people who can't show restraint might as well belong in cages but respecting them? Not in my book... That's why my rage could go on forever, I'd fuel my own fire with self-hate, once I started raging, I might as well continue! But that's bs, the further I'd go, the more I'd lose respect, from myself and from the people who know me, but I can regain respect, by forgiving myself in the first place, so others can eventually forgive me too.


Thanks for the insight, really! That's why I posted here, so people can tell me stuff that perhaps can resonate with me, and indeed, it does! I have already learned more about myself in these two pages

a reply to: Strawberry88

The mindf**k of thinking about MKU is that if its real, if its global, its already shaping how I think about MKU. I could be writing you my opinion as a puppet, or a free person. Because how would you know your mind was being influenced except by virtue of your mind? If the mind is compromised, the ability of the mind to know its compromised is also compromised. We could all be controlled and not know it.

That's why I'm sharing these Buddhist ideas, where you start with the idea that you thoughts are not your own, but independent entities wandering from mind to mind. That gives us sort of a birds eye view of what we are thinking about, and we can sit back and watch that process, and learn. It doesn't answer your question, as to whether this is a steered process or a natural mystical thing, because its really hard to know the difference in practice. What it does is give a little bit of peace and perspective.

When I lose myself, I don't feel I deserve respect, people who can't show restraint might as well belong in cages but respecting them?

I'm no advocate of anyone being kept in a cage….but, i gotta say, you got my vote for incredible new poster right here, any maybe much more value than that, for you have illuminated so much I've been here reading and writing, and never seen or read expressed quite that way, that's so very valuable, for it stops us and makes us think, really….

Should we be in a cage? How are we reacting>

this is invaluable, in my humble opinion.
thanks for that.
tet

a reply to: Strawberry88
Cheers Strawberry , with hypnosis , I am not really worried about person to person , I have tried regression and I live in the fog it's become my natural home. I am not into those recordings that you listen to , as for mk got no idea , don't really understand , lots of damaged people.

I am looking for clarity as much as I am used to fog , I am sick of it.

Example ; when I was young I was made to stand on my head in the kitchen with everyone present and repeat lines to the effect you are worthless useless person over and over.

Now I began to think I was really a bad person (and there must be previous lives because I was being punished) but after time I worked out that was not true and my poor father had problems .

But none the less the wound was deep and long and I still have not found that clarity .

There is much on my mind with this , its difficult to articulate .
thanks 1%

a reply to: tridentblue

If the mind is compromised, the ability of the mind to know its compromised is also compromised. We could all be controlled and not know it.

Trident, without having known how to express it, this is one of the foremost things I've had on my mind for quite some time, and thank you so much for expressing it and putting it so concisely and well….for I think it describes so well and nails to the wall what we are up against if we are ever to tear down that wall….
tet

a reply to: tetra50

Haha exactly!! Read my reply! This guy/girl knows what (s)he saying!!

I've awoken too thanks to conspiracy, not through ATS though but on my "own effort" through independent research and a huge curiosity.

(I started typing and it quickly turned into a wall of text so I'm simply going to make this an additional chapter. Doesn't have all that much to do with the thread subjects, but it does deal with the borderline so I'm adding it in.)

8. SPIRITUAL AWAKENING? OR PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN


My awakening was of a VERY spiritual nature and I am actually thinking nowadays that I've had a psychotic breakdown, seeing as my "most amazing experience in life" came about after one of my most serious breakdowns where I was literally on the edge of suicide.

I remember how it started as if it was yesterday, the rest is very vague, and I have no idea how long this period lasted exactly (something psychs in the past have made me feel weird about, is this weird for a psychosis? I'd had guessed not...). I was sitting in my room at about 10 in the evening. At that time I was suffering from a major depression and it was getting out of hand. I would spend time reading spiritual topics looking for an answer, a way out. I was trying to get into buddhism and meditation too at the time, I had to try something new or I'd end up in a coffin with days. So I started watching videos and reading, and perhaps this reading planted a seed in my mind, or perhaps it triggered something that was dormant in there already, but that night, I had so felt a surge of energy in my head, I did not need sleep, nor did I need sleep the day afterwards. I was all powered up.

All I could think of was getting up, going downstairs, and telling my mom how in a single moment, I rediscovered a whole new me! As if a lightbulb was switched on! Initially she was happy for me, but her enthusiasm quickly faded when she realized that I took it to extremes rather quickly. She had to go somewhere, I hadn't been outside for months, yet I asked her if I could come. As we were driving and I looked up to the sky, clouds shone (am I reinventing old English here or is this correct? ) so brilliantly it was as if I had never seen clouds before, I spontaneously started crying, the entire universe felt as if it was inside of me and I was the entire universe. The phrase one with everything comes to mind, as did it at the time.

Also that day, I remember a very specific event; We have a Jack Russell dog, we've had him since I was 11 and even the dog was positioned higher on the hierarchic ladder. One day out of nowhere he bit me in my face as I got too close (for which again I obviously was the blame, it was a dog, I was a human!) and ever since my relationship with that animal were, let's say, not all that great. That given day though, I went downstairs, and it was as if the dog knew it was another person. What's even weirder is my mother noticed this well before I had started explaining. The dog allowed me near and it was literally as if he didn't know who I was anymore. He'd lick my hand, allow me to pet him,... Before, he'd get up and walk off, or remain lying but in an akward position or with an attitude clearly indicating I was not his friend. In response to this I started reading on the subject and found how spirituality is often related to connectedness with animals etc. When I had my mother read that, for a moment there, she was almost convinced and I even saw a tear in her eye! But I lost her with my world peace & the capitalist machine is a ratrace - rant

After that I was extremely spiritual minded, to great disappointment of my parents (no surprises there I'm guessing by now?), I wanted to better the world, sell everything I had, change peoples minds!! I sold my car and started bettering my life, thinking of positive things and working on bettering myself, and it worked, for a while. I love drawing and writing so I usually have a notebook handy at all times. During that period, I actually took extensive notes of thoughts and ideas I had, I made diagrams to make the concepts I newly realized in my mind more clearer, so I could also explain them to others, my partner, my parents! Nobody understood, nobody was interested, well my partner was, but this was a bit too much, I'm sure, to receive on your plate when you are least expecting it.

(( One basic diagram that comes to mind, with such an easy concept it is too simple for most 'asleep' people to grasp, is of a giant sphere representing the ocean, and one minuscule wave representing the spectator. The wave can not exist without the ocean, the wave is the ocean and the ocean is the waves. So many people feel like they are waves, I realized, when in fact, waves don't even exist! They are made up of the body of water, the wind, the molecules etc... A wave cannot exist on it's own, it's not an individual entity even if it wanted to be. Humans are no different. You need everything around you, from air to the sun to fauna and flora for your survival, yet many nowadays think this is no longer the case, sadly. In their heads, they are waves without water, without wind. Disconnected from reality.

A more touchable concept would be the solid glass ball. If you believe in the big bang theory (you don't have to, other theories can fit this concept as well) and you believe all matter comes from a single source, this source could be compared to the ball. Now drop the ball and you'll get trillions of splinters, all varying in size. Perhaps there are about 7 million specs of glass dust in there too. In it's simplified form, are those 7 million specs not still glass? Still part of the glass sphere? It all comes from the same source, the varying sizes (the specs will possibly all 7 million be unique) do not mean it is no longer glass. It's impossible to put it all back together, but one can imagine it all comes from the same source.

In reality of course there are much more elements than simple glass, but in my mind it's not that far fetched to replace the single matter of glass, with the entirety of the universe. A simple concept that in my head could be used to show people how their perceived sense of individuality and "splinteredness" is actually a false idea, and though the idea should be given space to be developed, so should the idea of us being all interconnected, of us "being one".

These diagrams turned out a lot harder to interpret for the laymen than I had thought, and even with extensive explanation and openness to questions, I quickly had to realize that no, these people were not ready for these concepts, and perhaps, they didn't even need to be either. As the saying goes, people will change when they are ready to change, and I wasn't going to force any hands with that technique, so I tried, and if I failed, I'd return back to thinking and writing! ))

Eventually that bubble burst too though and left me quite some time wanting it back, but the feeling never returned, leading me to change my mind from "wow, I'm a spiritual being!" over time to "wow! I've had a spiritual experience!" to where it currently is "hmm, I possibly had a psychotic break, but are they not one and the same?"




What is a Hotel California exactly? I know the song, so excuse the dumb question, but I've never really listened to the lyrics... Maybe I should read them later!

originally posted by: tetra50

When I lose myself, I don't feel I deserve respect, people who can't show restraint might as well belong in cages but respecting them?

I'm no advocate of anyone being kept in a cage….but, i gotta say, you got my vote for incredible new poster right here, any maybe much more value than that, for you have illuminated so much I've been here reading and writing, and never seen or read expressed quite that way, that's so very valuable, for it stops us and makes us think, really….

Should we be in a cage? How are we reacting>

this is invaluable, in my humble opinion.
thanks for that.
tet

Thanks you very much Words like yours actually mean a lot to me as well, they can make me feel normal and appreciated in a world that has made me feel nothing but the opposite for most of my life!

originally posted by: my1percent
a reply to: Strawberry88
Cheers Strawberry , with hypnosis , I am not really worried about person to person , I have tried regression and I live in the fog it's become my natural home. I am not into those recordings that you listen to , as for mk got no idea , don't really understand , lots of damaged people.

I am looking for clarity as much as I am used to fog , I am sick of it.

Example ; when I was young I was made to stand on my head in the kitchen with everyone present and repeat lines to the effect you are worthless useless person over and over.

Now I began to think I was really a bad person (and there must be previous lives because I was being punished) but after time I worked out that was not true and my poor father had problems .

But none the less the wound was deep and long and I still have not found that clarity .

There is much on my mind with this , its difficult to articulate .
thanks 1%

I think I understand and I can relate.

I was raised in such a confusing way that I too feel like it's all a bit hazy as soon as I try to find a definite answer to what my soul is craving when it comes to the relationship with my parents.

I want nothing to do anymore with them, but at the same time, I still feel love for them deep down inside. They are still my parents, they still raised me, they possibly/probably did what in their mind was best at the time, and if my father for example was going through things that I went through WITHOUT the burden of raising children and having a full time job, well then goddamn I can even understand my own youth and how hard it must have been for him.

But I also don't want anything to do with them anymore because they were simply horrendous parents that still do not want to admit to it. They made me this way, and up to this day they keep me entranced! How can I forgive these people if they don't even stop? And even if my father was ill, well, so am I, I'm not using it as an excuse, at least not anymore, I want to break the cycle. He didn't! But maybe he couldn't? I have had the "luxury" (is it a luxury to lock yourself up in your room for over a year?) to be able to work on my mind, on my psychological problems, but then I wouldn't have to if I was raised properly!! And I love them, but is it love I feel? I know love, I love my partner, damn, I'd go through fire for them! But my parents? Not so much, it actually feels like an artificial kind of love, a forced version. Stockholm syndrome comes to mind though it's something else.

No person should have to spend his youth and adolescence struggling with questions like the ones above, weighing constantly wether you feel love that is covered in hatred, or if there is not even any actual love there...


I still haven't managed to get off this emotional roller coaster, and I won't either until I confront my parents with it, but it feels like they have built in all the fail-safes to prevent exactly this from happening. This is what till this day keeps me trapped and I haven't the slightest idea how I can break my chains. I know my programmers, even know their techniques! But I can't remove the virus they have installed...



If MKU is real, then my father is my puppeteer He can make me say SORRY after I try to tell him he's the reason I can't stand my ground towards other people, after putting me in my place for not standing my ground against a stranger

a reply to: Strawberry88

I am glad it helped. I know the world can be a but nuts at times, the ongoing post traumatic stress with all the lies and conflict that has been going on does get a bit sad at times. As one person I cannot change it all, but if I help to change the bits I can then maybe we can all find a better way together.

The subject of mind control is a very complex one with many different types and levels of influences throughout our life. Society, culture, education, family, work, media, government and environment all influence to some degree. If you hold some interest in the more extreme forms to help find some context with your situation then Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler is one recommendation www.whale.to...

I would love to share tetra's fantastic story of the tigers, the mice and the strawberry!

There was a man walking across an open field, when suddenly a tiger appeared and began to give chase. The man began to run, but the tiger was closing in. As he approached a cliff at the edge of the field, the man grabbed a vine and jumped over the cliff. Holding on as tight as he could, he looked up and saw the angry tiger prowling out of range ten feet above him. He looked down. In the gully below, there were two tigers also angry and prowling. He had to wait it out. He looked up again and saw that two mice, one white, the other black, had come out of the bushes and had begun gnawing on the vine, his lifeline. As they chewed the vine thinner and thinner, he knew that he could break at any time. Then, he saw a single strawberry growing just an arms length away. Holding the vine with one hand, he reached out, picked the strawberry, and put it in his mouth. It was delicious.

Explanation



That's actually an awesome little story to read every once in a while. I had never heard of this genre before but I'll be making sure to look for more of this, I love it! When a story pics an ending or a specific route, my mind feels like it has to follow, whereas here, it doesn't have to, it can wander in the moment! I can be present with the poor man hanging from the cliff, I can be with him enjoying the peace of mind he managed to preserve, and imagine the delicious taste of the fruit! If I wanted to, I could even be as sadistic as to imagine I'm just present in the moment with him, to show myself it could be worse!


Really nice, I'm going to put it on paper!

a reply to: Strawberry88

I think you have told us enough to all agree that something is not right. I did not read all of your posts but I think I understand.

Have you ever heard of thoughts being generated from outside the body? Just like in many TV series - something good or evil standing next a person telling that person to do such and such....... or the woman who heard a voice that she thought was God who told her to throw the baby into the sea and she did it.

I recommend you check yourself into a mental facility and see if medication helps. I would also recommend you be steadfast in prayers asking God (be specific) exactly what you need. (not what you want)

You need help TODAY - not next week.

Good luck

/ What follows is pure personal disclosure!! You will most likely not find very much of substance here unless you have enjoyed my other posts and feel compelled to read this one too. Lots of rambling, you have been warned, I'm using ATS as my little girl's diary at the moment /


Haha, something funny happened just now. I caught myself regressing again, I think. Somehow, I managed to COMPLETELY forget half the point that was to be made in the initial post of "welcome to my brain". For some reason I only succeeded in recalling the ones involving other people i.e. my parents, sister,... There was a LOT of intimate stuff going on even at early times, looking back, I think I can manage to analyze some of those moments.

I'm just going to dive into this because I want to wordvomit what I failed to mention in my initial post, I'm actually rather cool about this right now, but I want to get this off my chest and it seems ATS is where it'll be going down! I started about 12 hours ago in texteditor, and I'm still going but now straight into the ATS original content machine, straight from the brain!

If my writing seems less. . . comprehensive or smart, and more errrh, creative(?) that's probably because I just medicated You should see me draw now though

Here comes more page one stuff, more WARNINGs:
I guess this is not for the faint of heart, you'll read it anyway but I don't want to put this on the open internet for everyone to read, without them at least knowing what they are getting themselves into, even if for many (including myself at times, I've seen the goriest #) this is peanuts, some people can get easily offended, I can think of my partner for example, who would not enjoy reading this at all, not even if it were an anonymous stranger that wrote it. So therefore,

WARNING, read the above please before you contine.

Report cards, oh joy! Many can understand the feeling, and I do not feel special in any way about feeling bad about getting bad grades, however, I do think, or I want to put this belief to the test (prove me wrong please!), that there were more things going on than the average kid my age was dealing with, mentally, and this has broken me mentally over the years, resulting in the very slow, individual and unassisted recovery of my mental health. It hadn't always been as extreem, though there have always been horrible consequences attached to bad report cards, which probably led to the eventual catastrophic psychological results in the later years of my school career.

What hurt most was, that at a certain time, the entire familiar problems would seem to tornado around the bad report card. Every issue between my parents, every issue with me, my sister, the house, the neighbours, my fathers job, how he treats my mother,... everything that was at play between M&D was kept bottled up and they kept the cork in till it was report card time! And when/if I deliver, boom! The perfect occasion to celebrate! No gentle delicate farty cork sound, no, a big BAM, with me sitting on the stairs, called back for more screams and manhandling, then sent away, but knowing what's coming, listening to what's being screamed, trying to see if I can prepare myself for what's coming, so anxiously waiting on the stairs till I could visualize the next step approaching, to run and be caught and to receive my reward for being the good child that ruins EVERYTHINGGGGG.

I'm drifting, the point I'm getting to is that by age 12-13 I would get a bad report card and my mental condition was at that point that bad I would walk home and contemplate throwing myself in front of every vehicle that in my mind would be heavy enough to crush me so severely it wouldn't hurt as bad as I knew it was unavoidably going to. It scared me so much, but so did going home, so much so, that I'm sure it has on multiple occasion shattered something in my mind ((fight/flight with no valid options but only mental energy being drained towards the intense and painful mental process that I couldn't find a way out of? I have difficulties choosing now too, not the simple "what shall I eat" stuff, mentally draining choices, sometimes I can get stuck between two mentally challenging choices, so badly that I tend to start to rage instead. Feeling like I HAVE to choose an option, tended to end up badly for my psyche and I can now perhaps start to understand why, being forced to choose in the past, was not so pleasant. )) , as I walked home my second choice slowly disappeared, leaving me with the only option, facing another confrontation. All the way home, every truck that faced me, I could almost feel what it would be like, to have the balls to just do it, rest and peace forever!

But a part inside of me wanted things that I have and do today, so I'm #ing happy in retrospect my young me did not do anything stupid. (Damn, crying like a sissygirl! Go young me ) I never even thought I'd ever manage to get some at that age! But I wanted to believe either way, I felt like a nerd back then, but knew I could feel like a badass some day. I'm not what my father wanted me to be, some boring dud in a suit sitting at a desk pretending to be all smart, only to earn a buck and go home to abuse your children because you can't handle the pressure and have to vent on them.

All that's missing now is telling the bastards that slowed me down for 26 years that I'm done dragging their emotional baggage around, they can have it back, here you go mom and dad, she called you disgusting things behind your back, you're a piece of # who deserved it & should never have had children, but thank god you did, so at least one of them was treated badly enough to finally be able to end this vile vicious circle of abuse that you both were too weak to handle and instead just passed on to your "dearest" children. I'm done being emotionally played like a violin, for all I know they get divorced, they should have been 20 years ago, they probably shouldn't even have ever been together!

Yeah! Get this! He dumped my mom, my mom was so heartbroken her best friends boyfriend bought him a bottle of champagne if he'd take her back, and he did! For all I know he accidentally got her pregnant with me after drinking the thing and thus he HAD to stay with her, wouldn't even surprise me anymore! And even then, she was the scum of the earth to him, his family, a bunch of immigrated peasants, were much better, even though they didn't have a nail to scratch their ass and his father was a gambling addicted asshole who blew everything he earned. And when my parents got money to get started from my moms parents, his dad stole that money and gambled it away too!

And then mom is so nice to tell me all these stories, including her opinion of my father and his father, what a pig he really is and how she hates him, but she never fails to make sure to tell me that I NEVER TELL THIS TO ANYONE. I felt like a little diary, she was quite innovative I must say, a dictaphone with unseen features!

And then she's shocked as her little kid asks "is that daddy?" when a hearse drives by, *SLAP* IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! Yet I even vaguely recall her wishing him dead So what's wrong with asking if we have finally gone to see daddy?

She also frequently wished death upon other people, strangers, people that annoyed her in the car, people she couldn't stand, no wonder I wish death upon my online foes, but that is some f#ked up sh#t to do...

4now