Do we snoop hoping we will find something?

a reply to: jhn7537
If she set you up to look the fool, why not turn tables?
Talk about buying a tractor, take a vacation to Texas, leave her there while your buddies pack the house.
Have her come home to an empty house and no real explanation of a break up.
Give no closure, most folks hate that.

What do you want us to tell you? You already went through this on ATS once. It was unanimous that she was cheating. You confronted her, she did the age-old trick of turning the attack on you for being suspicious.
1)She's a cheater
2)She's a liar
3)She's a good actress
4)Her moral values and standards seem to be vastly different than yours.
5)A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
If you confront her and are able to convince her you KNOW she had an affair, then the game play will be to cry, sob, show great amounts of remorse and beg your forgiveness. She obviously still has a use for you. She may even love you, but it appears you would prefer something more monogamous.
The fact that her conscious hasn't bothered her enough to want to come clean- and that she'd actually try and make you out to be the bad guy for even suspecting she'd do such a thing- should give you all the info you need to make an informed decision as to what's best for you. You don't HAVE to settle for anything less than what you want from a relationship.Chances of ever trusting her again are probably pretty miniscule-for very good reason- and you can't build much of a relationship without trust.
If you don't mind 'sharing', you might have a long happy relationship.

Im with the last two posters. You know something that you can't forget now. You already knew but this was the nail in the coffin.
If you want to try and save the 8 year relationship that is your choice by rationalizing it some how that is your choice. But I would agree that you are just delaying the inevitable that she cheats again. So either become ok with that, which no judgement if you can do that or get the hell out.
I second the no closure, that sucks, been there done that.

dump her and all her stuff with a print out of these text i assume you took a screenshot or dent it to your phone

might sound harsh but she is just using you.

Unless you are neurotic and totally insecure, if you feel someone is cheating on you, then they are... what you do depends on what you want and circumstances.

If you have kids, you are obligated to really think it through... but as you do not, my advice would be to buckle up, leave and be miserable for a few days ...until the world opens up, the heavens sing and you get laid again by a new love.

You probably caused the infidelity ...at least partially, but if she was serious and a decent individual, she would leave you or bring it up to talk over and work through. She did not, so she wasn't and is not.

Remember that decent people exist, relationships can play out though nobody's fault, sex is a silly act but has implications that differ from person to person and that new love is the most exciting, life affirming thing humans experience.

The seven year itch is a real phenomena and monogamy is truly tough... the toughest thing besides parenthood people do. Just be glad you didn't spawn and find a new girl who is compatible and wants the same things and is honest... they do exist, however scarce they seem.

Good luck, dude, and don't lose it like some idiots and hurt someone or yourself... it's just a relationship, and they don't much evolve after the 6th grade... no matter how grown up and complex we try to make it.

I hope another opinion helps... I know how insane you are right now... and I'm sorry. Hey, at least you feel alive right now...

leave! i always suspected my ex. and i'm talking years,but i was either too focused on my kids, or too far in denial to up and walk without proof. I like you got access to her phone, found txts that proved it and left that day. I had only just returned from a family vacation that I spent thousands on. I left with a suitcase of shorts and t-shirts in the middle of a harsh Scottish winter. What a weight was lifted to know i wasn't insane and my suspicions were correct. Best of luck mate, it's rough, and no one deserves to be cheated on, even if they turn out to be a right SOB, the other half should have the decency to end the relationship rather than continue deceiving their partner.

She did exactly what typical cheaters do.... she said you are crazy.

My serial cheater ex did the same thing.
Dump her.
Tell your family all about it. It will make you feel a release and they will be a great support system for you. They will keep you from feeling sorry for her.
She is never going to have your trust again and you can't have a healthy relationship under those circumstances.

With what I know now, I would recommend following the instructions in the post at the top of this page.... you owe her nothing, including pity.

a reply to: jhn7537

Do we snoop hoping we will find something?
No...we snoop because we have a gut instinct that is pretty sure we will find something.

I snooped. I found.
Not an actual hook-up, but him trying and her declining, because he was in a relationship. At least SHE had morals.

I stayed.
You know what happens? You lose your trust in that person. You get suspicious and maybe even a little paranoid.
I behave normally, as if everything is fine. But deep down inside, I'm always feeling a little insecure.
It's very stressful. You can forgive...you don't forget.

I would never tell you what to do. I just want you to be aware of the reality that might be yours, should you decide to stay. Either way, you both need to discuss this.
She will argue that you broke her trust by snooping.
Yes, you did...so just admit it. If you had not found something, this situation would not exist...so it really IS on her to come clean with you.

I'm so sorry....and best wishes to you.
jacygirl

a reply to: Wrabbit2000

Yeah snooping on her phone is totally comparable to doing the nasty with another man.

I can't believe you even implied that!

You say 9 months is a long time OP but she's been seen by you to wander and I don't see that changing.
I'd forgive her but do you want to be in an open relationship? You need to move on in my opinion.

If you stay with her and brush this under the rug, I just think about 3-5-8 years from now... If she does anything that seems suspicious, you're going to wonder. Every time she stays out for the evening... every time she takes a trip, you're going to be curious. IMO, if this is going to work, you MUST talk it out with her and see where she really stands with you. I would make some clear agreements about trust, snooping and cheating.

In my first marriage, my husband cheated. I was friends with the girl he cheated with, but I had no idea. I did suspect something and one day I was talking with her and said, "I just feel like he's going to cheat on my any day".

She replied, "He already has". That's how I found out.

They were both really sorry and apologized profusely and I decided to forgive him and give him another chance. I put it behind me and left it there. Unfortunately HE couldn't forget. He started to suspect that I was going to cheat on him to "get back at him". I had NO intention of that whatsoever. But for the remainder of our marriage, HE suspected ME and tried to "catch me" cheating at every opportunity. He would call in the middle of the day, while I was in the shower and when I got to the phone, he'd be all suspicious and say he was coming home. I told him, "there's wet footprints on the floor - you can see them when you get home"! He said that I could put them there by the time he got home. He thought I was that deceitful! It finally got to be too much and I left.

Don't know if that story means anything, but wanted to put it out there.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide!

a reply to: jhn7537

I think we snoop because we hope NOT to find anything...

We snoop because we follow our intuition, sometimes we try to counter that by recalling all the years we have spent with that person and all the good memories we shared. Everything happens for a reason. Trust is the foundation in any relationship, without common trust the relationship is likely to collapse like a house built on sand. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know what it's like to be in your position. Forgive and forget her.

Yes, to answer the question of Your Title. If we did not want to find something, we would not even look......
I wish I had some profound words of wisdom for You here, really. All I can say is that from experience, once that trust has been broken, it never fully comes back. If you leave the incident buried deep, deep in your memories, and NEVER pull it out again, you may be able to at least get along with the cheater. After several years when the memory does come up front, it will not sting as much as when it originally happened. For me at least that has been the way......
I can't say who cheated on who here, as it will lead to probs for me, but after having 27 yrs invested in my relation, and the event was 6 or 7 yrs ago, we both eventually decided to let it all lay deep in the past......
Yes it does crop up occasionally, but with no heat in the discussion, as it was originally. Time does have a way of healing, at least partially......
I feel for You and wish You the Best of Luck in Your decision...... Syx.

Everyone has a back story, lots of people have a struggle. Tomorrow is coming right up. Confront her without a lot of thought, and that will probably be the end of your story together. Maybe she has issues that she just can't talk with you about because she doesn't want to loose you- Whatever she had with that guy was probably purely lust, and confusion. I say give her more chances. Somehow you are still together even though you think that she probably cheated on you.

On the other hand, you might find a better woman if you ditch her. I hope it all works out for you.

a reply to: jhn7537

Now that you have the proof you were after, ask yourself this: Is she really worth it to play the "ignorance is bliss" card?

For me, if I found something like this, I'd confront her directly on it: If you want to lose the trust instantly, say that you were snooping. If you want to give her a hint you know what's up, tell her that Person X called/left a text while she was sleeping. If you want to turn the tables, and have her slip up, then tell her you received an anonymous text saying she was cheating (in my case, I just pretend I have a hacker friend that can spy on people; they fall for it every time, as I am an IT tech after all). Or, what I'd do is pull up the picture of the resort, and say that you & her were going to have a get-away on the same nights she was planning to stay.

Personally, I say dump her - if she asks for a reason, you can simply say "I saw the text message" and leave it at that.

-fossilera

Wanted to give everyone an update...

I spoke to her Sunday morning. She noticed something was bothering me and asked what the problem was. I said I had something on my mind and I was thinking of the right way to approach her with it. She replied with, "well, lets just have the talk now"... From there I said to her, you need to be honest with me now and tell me what did actually happen. She hesitated at first, kinda stuttered, but then it clicked that she knew that I knew. She said it was long over and that she felt horrible about it. Things went stale between us in her eyes and this guy filled a void that I apparently didn't. Said she wanted to tell me, but figured it would hurt me more. Where I replied with that it must have been better to make me think I was crazy.....

Long story short. The conversation wasn't heated, I was sad, disappointed, and in a sick way felt validated for the thoughts I once had. After the conversation I told her that I still care about her dearly, but this wasn't going to work and too much damage was done.

Thanks to everyone for chiming in. Sorry I didn't respond back sooner, but yesterday was a rough day for me and I kinda kept to myself...

a reply to: jhn7537

I'm sorry jhn7537...I really am.

Here is a *hug*, and I hope you have friends or family that will support you through this sad time.
Even online friends...some wonderful people here got me through some rough times.
Take care of yourself.

jacygirl

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: jhn7537

I'm sorry jhn7537...I really am.

Here is a *hug*, and I hope you have friends or family that will support you through this sad time.
Even online friends...some wonderful people here got me through some rough times.
Take care of yourself.

jacygirl

Thanks Jacygirl... I do have a good support system around me. To the ones who know now they asked what happened, but I refuse to bury her to friends and family. I just said we couldn't see eye to eye on long-term relationship goals and that our relationship ran it's course. I'm trying to hide the pain (my own stupid way of dealing with it), likely unhealthy way of coping, but I don't want my family feeling sorry for me.

a reply to: jhn7537

you did good. no regrets.

there's a good woman out there with your name in her heart. God bless, bro.

You did the right thing .. and you got the hardest part over with ..
It will hurt for awhile take your time and look forward now ..