Do we snoop hoping we will find something?

This is the sick thought that keeps crossing my mind. Honestly, it's dominating my thoughts. About 18 or so months ago I began to suspect my girlfriend of then 6 1/2 years was cheating on me. All the signs were pointing to it and I brought the topic to ATS for discussion. Every member and their mother told me she was cheating on me by the signs I listed throughout the thread, but still I held out doubt that maybe I was creating something out of nothing. Tonight, I was out with that same girlfriend, we have now been dating for 8+ years and I found something tonight that I can't ignore, that I need to discuss with her, and that I know now will end the relationship, which to me is heartbreaking because I do love the girl a sh*t load, which kills me.

We were at a outdoor concert tonight, she had a little too much to drink and on our way home she set up the navigation on her phone and handed it to me. Within 5-10 minutes she fell asleep in the car, and I had access to her phone. Part of me said don't snoop, but the other part of me said you will find something if you do. Talk about a great predicament to put your mind/heart/health in... After 5 or so minutes I began to snoop when I found a text thread from the guy who I suspected she cheated on me with. I will save you the long and short of the message, but in so many words I read one text from the guy to my girlfriend that read "Working out in the garage... If you were here we would **** on the John Deere".... (yea, the guy is from Texas, not sure if that's a thing there).... Then he sent a picture of the John Deere to her like it was a place they've once frequented behind my back. (This text was from a while ago, from the time I suspected her of cheating on me, Nov 2012)...... Then In January I see a text from my girlfriend to this guy in January of 2013 stating "I'm sure this place has my fireplace ... Two nights stay at the Elk Springs Resort in Gatlinburg, TN"..... So, in my eyes, its obvious they've been physical or why would a guy write that to a girl about having sex on the John Deere and then why 2 months later is my girlfriend sending this guy a text about a get-away resort in TN....

I have no clue of knowing if this relationship is still going on, but I do know she doesn't go down to San Antonio anymore, which is where he lives....

With this being so long ago and with us doing well right now do I ignore it or do I move on? I really want to talk to her about this, not tonight of course because she's intoxicated and I don't want to confront her with this, even though the thought of what I found is killing me. I will approach her tomorrow, because I won't be able to keep this buried for too long. And if I tried to bury it I feel that would be too unhealthy for myself. Even if we were going through a "rocky" place when she "supposedly" cheated on me can I forgive and forget? Should I? Like I stated earlier, I love this girl, I see myself marrying her, but how do I ignore something so large.

When I initially confronted her about cheating on me she made me out to be crazy and creating stories from thin air... In a way I feel validated now because I know/feel something happened, but that validation comes with a very heavy heart...

Sorry for rambling, I'm very confused and I'm not sure what to do here.... I want to talk to my family, but I don't want them to hate her... Even with the pain she caused me I still don't want hate to be sent her way... I know I'm likely wrong for this but I can't just hate her for this, even if she hurt me bad.

Well the moral of this story is;

Cover yo tracks!

originally posted by: Lysergic
Well the moral of this story is;

Cover yo tracks!

Which is something she apparently didn't do... I snoop... She has zero clue to what I know... And now I need to determine my course of action.....

Sorry to hear it .. best you can do at this point painful as it will be is cut your losses and move on ..
all the talking in the world wont change her nature and without trust there can be no relationship once broken trust can rarely be regained ..

Theres plenty more and better out there .. good luck on whatever you decide.

originally posted by: Expat888
Sorry to hear it .. best you can do at this point painful as it will be is cut your losses and move on ..
all the talking in the world wont change her nature and without trust there can be no relationship once broken trust can rarely be regained ..

Theres plenty more and better out there .. good luck on whatever you decide.

Do you think it's better to confront then detach or just detach without even broaching the subject?

That sucks and I'm sorry you were right. It's one of those rare times you actually hope you aren't.

You're going to have to bring it up. If you don't, it will fester inside of you until you do. You deserve the truth if that is what you have always given her. She owes you that much. Whether you will get it or not is another story.

It reads like she has had a long term relationship with this guy as well as you and if it weren't for that, my advice may have been to try and work it out. If her guilt didn't force her to end either relationship then it is unlikely she will change that behavior in the future. Some folks just don't have an issue hurting other folks and that is just sad.

You are better than me, because I am not even sure I could wait until the sun came up to discuss something like that. Regardless of how drunk the person is. So I applaud you on your self control.

In the end, only you know what you can live with. If you think you can get past this then don't worry about what other people tell you to do. They don't have to live with the decision. But, nobody would blame you for dropping her like a hot rock either.

I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry you are having to even deal with this. 8 years is a damned long time.

a reply to: jhn7537

Give her a brief blunt explanation tell her pack her bags theres the door bye bye ..

Forgive her and move on .. and explain to your family letting them know as well to forgive her and move on ..

Far easier than dragging things out and letting hate and anger tear you up.

that's rough, bud. 8+ years is a long time. if things are good, i guess you need to ask yourself, can you live with it? i don't think i could without a good honest conversation about it with her. if you confront her with it and she tries to snowjob you, cut loose.

but if she's willing to talk over it, explain why it happened, and own her crappy deed, i'd say you guys have a great chance. everybody #s up, no exceptions. it's how you choose to handle the aftermath that matters.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

I do appreciate the kind words and advice. I'm dreading the idea of this conversation, but I know deep down inside I deserve better than someone who went behind my back and then made me think I was crazy for ever thinking it. I do love the girl, but it's hard to ignore the idea of her being with another guy behind my back. I can get over a drunk random kiss at some bar, where a mistake was made, but the more I think about what she did the harder I have dealing with it. This was premeditated, she knowingly/willingly conducted in this behavior behind my back and it's a crippling blow to come to terms with this. Am I perfect? Of course not, but I've never cheated on her, nor would I ever do that. I lie about stupid stuff, like stating I didn't leave the toilet seat up when I did (stupid stuff like that)...

originally posted by: ATODASO
that's rough, bud. 8+ years is a long time. if things are good, i guess you need to ask yourself, can you live with it? i don't think i could without a good honest conversation about it with her. if you confront her with it and she tries to snowjob you, cut loose.

but if she's willing to talk over it, explain why it happened, and own her crappy deed, i'd say you guys have a great chance. everybody #s up, no exceptions. it's how you choose to handle the aftermath that matters.

Well, that's what I keep thinking about because we are doing so well right now... And when I was suspecting her of cheating she was taking a lot of weekend trips to San Antonio.... She hasn't been there in a very long time, at least 9 months or so, but who knows if they are still in contact or not... She has two phones (work and personal), I saw one of them, who knows what's going on in the other.

I need to sleep on this... I need to talk to her... And depending on the way she admits/denies when we have the discussion I will be able to gauge the direction of our future relationship very fast. If she denies anything I sent the snap text to my phone, so I have what the dude wrote to her and I don't think she can talk her way out of this one like before. If she does admit to it and states it was a big mistake and she wasn't in a good place at the time it could create a challenging scenario for me, knowing how I feel about her.

I dunno, I'm likely being a fool..... I know what I need to do, I guess I just don't want to do it, but now push has come to shove and I've forced my own hand due to my snooping around...

a reply to: jhn7537

oh, and hey. it's totally understandable that you need support in dealing with this, but if you want to have a long-term future with this girl, it's not a good idea to share this with your family. this is between the two of you, and if you do decide to work it out, that won't be any easier if your family thinks she's a #heel.

I think you need to ask yourself something important here. Is this worth ending the relationship over? It sounds like she violated your trust and you've absolutely violated hers. No nice way of putting that, so no reason to try. She sure won't likely see it as any lesser a thing.

Can you get beyond what happened so far back? If she's like people I've known in life, she may never be able to get beyond the violation when she fell asleep/passed out, trusting she wouldn't deeply regret doing that with you.

I guess it's a toughie to figure what it's worth losing to push. So far, nothing needs to have happened at all...if she doesn't know. As soon as you ring the bell though, it can never be unrung.

originally posted by: jhn7537

She hasn't been there in a very long time, at least 9 months or so, but who knows if they are still in contact or not...

that's definitely one of the things she's gonna have to come completely clean about if things are gonna go forward. good luck, man, i hope it all works out for the best.

originally posted by: ATODASO
a reply to: jhn7537

oh, and hey. it's totally understandable that you need support in dealing with this, but if you want to have a long-term future with this girl, it's not a good idea to share this with your family. this is between the two of you, and if you do decide to work it out, that won't be any easier if your family thinks she's a #heel.

And that's why I brought the discussion here for clarity... If you bring this up to a family member or a close friend they are automatically going on your defense and likely hating the other... So, I really have no one I can speak with who understands my relationship, which honestly sucks... Thankfully, there are MANY wise folks on here who have lived much longer than I have. I'm only 29, I understand I have a long life in front of me, but I was considering proposing to this girl soon enough. Now that plan has been torched....

a reply to: jhn7537

I understand perfectly. I have even gone so far as to say that I would rather my husband have a one night stand than I would for him to have an emotional affair. I don't blame you at all for feeling more hurt and that is why I said my advice may have been different had she not kept a relationship going for so long. That takes some serious cajones and is almost impossible to forgive. I am not sure I could.

Be prepared when you do confront her. She will probably try to make you feel crazy for thinking it again. Even if she denied having sex, she did involve her emotions and that is just as bad IMO.

I swear I'm not trying to make it worse. I just didn't want you to second guess yourself about your feelings on this. I think they are completely valid.

You do deserve more. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that.

originally posted by: ATODASO

originally posted by: jhn7537

She hasn't been there in a very long time, at least 9 months or so, but who knows if they are still in contact or not...

that's definitely one of the things she's gonna have to come completely clean about if things are gonna go forward. good luck, man, i hope it all works out for the best.

Thank you, I honestly appreciate that...

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I really can feel for you. I myself was in this almost exact scenario a few months back with my girlfriend. We have been together for 5 going on 6 years now; and pretty much just like you I started suspecting something was up with her behavior.

Long story short. I had the same inner debacle as you but finally I went ahead and snooped and did so several times so as to get a feel of the extent of the cheating going on. She was cheating, in a sense; however based on the conversations I read and what she swore to me they never ACTUALLY did the deed. So in that case my situation is different from yours if she did do the act....

My girlfriend had recently only met the guy once and other than that it was only a bunch of conversations - some of them pretty explicit just as the ones you described.

Anyways, it hurt me real real bad as I love this girl with all of me. We have been together since high school and it seems like forever now I really cannot picture life living without her. We have a child - so my situation is also different in that regard as I have a responsibility to not only her.

So after i discovered it, I wasn't 100% whether she had ******* this guy or not and it was tearing me up inside. I actually did not get the cajones to confront her for almost 2 days while the rage just boiled inside me. This I do not recommend. If you choose to confront her - do it first thing in the morning so it does not eat you up and make you more angry thinking of it. When I confronted her she was defensive for about 30 seconds but then came clean and she apologized and was crying and the whole nine yards.

I really did not want to forgive her I wanted to hate her but she seemed genuine in her apology and we have some much together. In the end I decided it was not worth it - we have way to much together to throw away over this. I can say that I only stayed with her because she did not screw him however I honestly think I'd be lying to myself.

If she had screwed him once I STILL think I would have stayed solely because I am dedicated to making a family with this girl and it just would be too much to throw away, we all make mistakes. I've made plenty of mistakes (not cheating) which my girl has forgiven me for and I imagine you have made a few yourself.


My advice to you: Nobody can tell you what to do. Think long and hard tonight about your relationship. Do you want to attempt to save it or do you want to move on? If you want to move on, your move it simple. Confront her, tell her it is something you will not be able to get past and thus simply could not continue the relationship. If you want to save it. More work but maybe worth it. Just make sure you decide BEFORE the confrontation!

You need to direct the confrontation when it happens, if you want to stay; tell her what you know and tell her how you know - apologize for snooping if you feel the need but do not fixate on this. You are NOT in the wrong. You have every right to snoop if you have suspicions. Make sure she knows how it has hurt you, and ask her to explain herself. This will help you more than anything.

Girls are so complex. If you ask her to explain to you why she cheated - very likely she will be able to go off on a nice rant right off the top of her head, some of these things she say could very well be things you are not doing right in the relationship. This was the case for me and I realized my gf made some good points about how I could improve on some aspects of our relationship to help her. I really did not want to hear this at the time and it angered me during our confrontation but it did help her get her feelings out and it helped me understand why it happened.

Allow her the chance to apologize and if she loves you likely she will and she will make it heartfelt. Do your best to accept it and move on - enjoy several days of ass kissing from her afterwards.

Also, not thinking about it helps. I talk about all this like it does not effect me but if I start replaying the conversations I read in my mind then I can almost immediately start getting angry and upset again. In time I am sure this will subside.

Best of luck to ya mate and sorry for the long rant. As you can tell I had a bit to get off my chest myself.


ETA: Sorry mate as I completely lost this tidbit in my advice above. Some of what I am trying to say is - If you want to stay with the girl IMO you will have to confront her at some point. I do not think you can reasonably just bury this under the rug and move on. Her violation was much worse than yours of snooping. I waited a couple days to confront my gf and honestly thought about not doing it at all but it was just eating me away inside to the point where I know for a fact I could not have just swallowed it without saying anything because I was down and she herself could tell something was fishy.

a reply to: lightedhype

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I honestly do appreciate it. I do understand how a child in the mix can complicate the situation, especially seeing that you are a family man who is trying to build a home with your child and girlfriend. It's almost 2 am here in Chicago, I'm laying on the couch with my notebook responding to you guys now and I want to lay down and go to sleep but my thoughts are stuck in a pretty bad place right now, I hope I can sleep it off and deal with this with a clear/rested mind tomorrow, but honestly I'm just sad over this, not angry, just sad...

originally posted by: Expat888
Sorry to hear it .. best you can do at this point painful as it will be is cut your losses and move on ..
all the talking in the world wont change her nature and without trust there can be no relationship once broken trust can rarely be regained ..

Theres plenty more and better out there .. good luck on whatever you decide.

originally posted by: Kangaruex4Ewe
a reply to: jhn7537

I understand perfectly. I have even gone so far as to say that I would rather my husband have a one night stand than I would for him to have an emotional affair. I don't blame you at all for feeling more hurt and that is why I said my advice may have been different had she not kept a relationship going for so long. That takes some serious cajones and is almost impossible to forgive. I am not sure I could.

Be prepared when you do confront her. She will probably try to make you feel crazy for thinking it again. Even if she denied having sex, she did involve her emotions and that is just as bad IMO.

I swear I'm not trying to make it worse. I just didn't want you to second guess yourself about your feelings on this. I think they are completely valid.

You do deserve more. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that.

I agree with both here. I know your mind must be racing a mile a minute in all directions.. what to do? what to say? Do I say? It's torture. I would take in everyone's advice for consideration, mesh it with what your mind and heart is saying and it should lead you to the answer on how to proceed. All my best to you. ::hugz::

Ditch her. Shes cheating, done did it and expects you to live with it. What kind of Human does that?