I'm Trying To Be Ok

a reply to: wulff

I wish I could hug you after reading that. That is unbelievable and I am so sorry for your losses. I can not even begin to imagine that much loss in such a short time. I can't even imagine it if it weren't in such a short time. That is a lot of family to lose and we don't really ever consider burying a sibling let alone having to bury more than one.

Sometimes you wonder why so much devastation happens in some families while others seem to have very little. It means a lot to me that you would share such a painful situation with me so that I would not feel alone. That says tons about who you are on the inside.

I will keep you and your sister in my thoughts and prayers.

Please U2U me when you need an ear and a shoulder. I usually check in at least a few times a day even if I don't post and will be honored (after what you have done for me here) to listen to you talk, scream, and/or rage. Sometimes it just helps to get it out (like I did yesterday) regardless of who is listening... and it am a good listener if you find yourself in need of one.

I am blown away by your candor here and want you to know that you didn't do it for nothing. As much as you never want others to hurt like that... it is comforting to know you are not alone in your messy, turmoil of feelings.

I can't thank you enough, but I will send prayers and strength your way in hopes that you and your sister will get a break from hurting. You two definitely deserve it at this point.

I am here.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

Hi sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're having to face this very painful situation.

I won't go into my own personal stories of loss here, but I can relate.

You are much loved by many members, and you're not alone. I am also sending you good energy, positive thoughts...and prayers to the Universe that none of you suffer needlessly. Please don't keep anything bottled up inside you...we will keep you company and give you *hugs*...you're not alone.

Consider us your soul sisters and brothers.

luv, jacygirl

a reply to: jacygirl

Thank you Jacy. Not being alone in any ordeal helps a lot. We all know each of us suffers from the loss of family and friends but sometimes the feelings it causes within us makes us feel alone in the moment. Just knowing others are thinking of you, praying for you, lighting candles, sending positive vibes, (whatever one chooses to do to show they care) does bring some comfort with it. It is nice to know people are there for you if you need them.

I am always surprised by how much of that so many of us have here. I don't know why, because I do see it often... but it is pleasantly surprising to see it whether it is for me or anyone else here. We fight amongst ourselves at times, but come together in support of those we are friends with and even those we fight with the most. The compassion here is amazing.

I can not tell you how much your words and the others here have meant and currently do mean to me. To some that may seem silly, if you don't physically know someone... I don't find it silly at all. To have compassion for those you only know by words says a lot about the type of folks we have here.

I am proud to be among all of you. Truly. As you have opened your door (u2u) to me, mine remains open to you and all the rest here if you or they ever find themselves in need.

Thank you again Jacy. You are yet, one more that I see offering compassion to whoever needs it here. You are a good person. Just know that I am surely not the only one here who sees it.

reux, my Ex (who I'm still living with) is in the hospital. Might have been a mini stroke and blockage somewhere. More tests tomorrow. I know he doesn't love me anymore, but before I left the hospital I said I love you and kissed him on the cheek. So sad.

To anyone here suffering for any reason, I am here for you. Just a PM away.

To any who is willing to pray or send positive vibes for Mark. I appreciate it!!!!!!

Didn't mean to take over your thread K but I know you understand and don't mind. HUGS!!!!!!

a reply to: Night Star

Absolutely Night. I am very sorry to hear this. Thoughts and prayers for you and him. It doesn't matter how he *thinks* he feels about you, I know you still hurt for him regardless.

Please let us know how he is doing when you can.

*hugs* and strength to you

a reply to: Night Star
A positive thought and a prayer for you and yours.

Funny thing about positive thoughts, they are always in abundance, they don't cost a dime, and are free to give.

Thanks and hugs for reux and Beezer!!!!!

Need all the prayers and well wishes we can get.

a reply to: Night Star

Feeling for you and yours Nightstar...

My positive thoughts go out to you and Mark hoping that today brings better news to you.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

a reply to: Night Star

Lit joss sticks requested the Buddhas watch over him and you ..

@ kanga hows your father doing ?

originally posted by: Expat888
a reply to: Night Star

Lit joss sticks requested the Buddhas watch over him and you ..

@ kanga hows your father doing ?

Thank you for asking Expat. They were able to get him off of the ventilator today. He is talking and doesn't appear to have any damage from that ordeal so far.

They ran dialysis on him even when he was sedated, but they called it a 1/4 cleanse because they were worried about doing a whole cleanse. He already had a pacemaker/defribilator put in when I posted about him being on a ventilator back before Christmas and even with that his heart is only pumping at about 25%. One kidney has been totally destroyed and his remaining kidney tested as functioning under 3%.

So far it appears he has recovered more than we expected, but we know (and he does too) that it only bought a little more time. The doctors (or us) don't know if that time is in days, weeks, or months. I don't think they are looking at the number in months and came in to counsel him on DNR orders and end of life care. Of course they did the same back in October only giving him up to 2 weeks at that time... yet here we are.

The only difference is that he signed the DNR papers this time, where he would not even discuss it in October. I am extremely grateful that he is awake and feeling no pain, but realistically know that this cycle will continue on until.

There is a part of me that says they gave him 2 weeks months ago and he is still here and that it may be possible to have many more months pain free... And it may very well happen just that way. Yet I hate to get my hopes up again. I don't know if that makes sense? It kind of makes me sound selfish when I write it out like that.

If/when he gets to leave the hospital they say he will have to go to a rehab center because he has lost all of his muscles just in a few short months. He can't get up on his own, walk (even with a walker), or even roll himself over. At 67 this has turned him into a 90 year old in terms of strength. My mom has dropped down to 80 lbs. and since she had her last surgery to remove a plate in her head (no skull in that area and no plate, equals a larger than softball size area of her brain is unprotected by anything other than skin) she is unable to do those things for him 24 hours a day.

If I he can improve enough to go there and regain some strength he will be able to come home.

I do thank you so much for even remembering to ask. Day by day I guess is the only way to deal with it at this point.

Its good to hear that he is off the ventilator and talking again .. those are encouraging signs .. it will take awhile but with the phys therapy he should get strength back .. from what he has been through thus far he is pretty tough and has good chance to be around awhile yet ..

Sounds like he did some serious thinking ..

No its not being selfish its being human and loving your father .. yes even with my rusty english it makes sense ..

All you can do is take it a step and day at a time along with treasure the time you have together ..

My father has had a stroke and a few heart scares,the stroke aged him ten years he's 76 he is still active but the day draws near when hes no longer physically with us,my father is also a best friend and it will rip my heart out when he goes the thing now is to make what time left quality time,I still remember my granparents I close my eyes I can remember their faces and remember the times we had together so in a sense they are still with me just not physically,my father will be always with me also.

a reply to: Expat888

I am definitely going to do just that Ex. As long as he is pain free... I'll take whatever I can get.

originally posted by: khnum
My father has had a stroke and a few heart scares,the stroke aged him ten years he's 76 he is still active but the day draws near when hes no longer physically with us,my father is also a best friend and it will rip my heart out when he goes the thing now is to make what time left quality time,I still remember my granparents I close my eyes I can remember their faces and remember the times we had together so in a sense they are still with me just not physically,my father will be always with me also.

I'm sorry khnum. It is especially hard to see your parents who were always as big as life, strong and able bodied become weak and frail. It's heart breaking. Memories are priceless when faced with the thought that, that is all you will have left one day.

I hope and pray you can gather as many of those memories as possible for as long as possible.

a reply to: Night Star

Hey Night... any updates yet? Praying for good news.

Hi Roo! Still taking tests. So far things have come out normal but there must be a blockage. More tests coming. Still has a bit of pain in his neck and feels wobbly and numb in some areas.

Thanks Rod and Expat!

Treasure the time you have left with him Roo. I know you will. With my Mom being 90, I never know when her time will be up and try to do all I can for her while I still can.

Taking one day at a time is the best that we can do right now.

Khnum, You will always have your precious memories of loved ones who have passed on. They are a part of us and kept alive in our thoughts and heart.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad
My thoughts and prayers are with you

Sadly, I know all too well what you are going through to a degree

Lost both my parents when I was younger
My Dad died from Parkinson's when I was 14 yo and I watched him go from a genius to being incapacitated to where he could no longer even talk
My Mom, well that's more of a touchy subject even after all these years but her main downfall was alcohol, which led to a whole slew of health issues and she died when I was 24 yo
Both suffered horribly before passing ....and I will never forget


So I can sympathize with feelings of whether when people get sick to the point of no chance of getting better and are only going to get worse and are suffering, wishing that they would just pass away in their sleep
End their suffering

Can only hope and pray the best for you and your Dad
You have us here to listen, to talk to...

Stay strong --- I'll be thinking of you sending positive vibes your way!!!

Take care and best wishes~
snarky

It is devastating to lose a loved one. We must remember that they are no longer suffering and in a better place as we all will be one day.

originally posted by: Kangaruex4Ewe
a reply to: wulff

I wish I could hug you after reading that. That is unbelievable and I am so sorry for your losses. I can not even begin to imagine that much loss in such a short time. I can't even imagine it if it weren't in such a short time. That is a lot of family to lose and we don't really ever consider burying a sibling let alone having to bury more than one.

Sometimes you wonder why so much devastation happens in some families while others seem to have very little. It means a lot to me that you would share such a painful situation with me so that I would not feel alone. That says tons about who you are on the inside.

I will keep you and your sister in my thoughts and prayers.
I too would love to give you a long hug, Your feeling are from deep in the soul and I can tell you are truly a wonderful person that cares about others and like many of us is in a world we are not of but passing through, some simply go through the journey where others like yourself feel compassion and love for others.
My sisters memorial was last night and I thought of your words and they did mean so much to me, I said a prayer for my sister, family and friends and one for you, a person I have never met buy actually cared about my loss and feelings.
You truly are a gift to this terrible world and I pray your life and journey through this land reflects the goodness you deserve. Bless you for being one of the few that has the power and ability to make others feel better in such unselfish ways!
-Love always, Phil

Please U2U me when you need an ear and a shoulder. I usually check in at least a few times a day even if I don't post and will be honored (after what you have done for me here) to listen to you talk, scream, and/or rage. Sometimes it just helps to get it out (like I did yesterday) regardless of who is listening... and it am a good listener if you find yourself in need of one.

I am blown away by your candor here and want you to know that you didn't do it for nothing. As much as you never want others to hurt like that... it is comforting to know you are not alone in your messy, turmoil of feelings.

I can't thank you enough, but I will send prayers and strength your way in hopes that you and your sister will get a break from hurting. You two definitely deserve it at this point.

I am here.

I live next door to my foster parents. They are now to the point of forgetting their own names. Everyday, I see them waste away even more, It is hard and it is painful. I sympathize for your situation. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are. I try to spend time every day in prayer and meditation. I do feel better when I am consistent in this. Having some sort of spiritual belief helps most people when it comes to facing death in it's face. You are more at peace with the final outcome. I am a firm believer that we go on. From one life to another. Believing this way makes death less of an obstacle. I know from many of your posts that you are a good person. Like others have said, you will know instinctively what to do when the time comes. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.