I'm Trying To Be Ok

I usually don't partake of any liquid courage... Ever. But I just dropped off my husband for his annual fishing trip and won't see him for a week and with things lately, I was hoping to relax for a bit. Get a little sleep maybe... Peacefully. I don't know.

Many of you on here may not know me. But a few of you do and those few know that right before Christmas last year I reached out for your help. Prayers and good vibes... And what ever good thoughts you could spare for me as my father was having a rough go of it. He was on a ventilator after having his heart stop and not getting oxygen for at least 30 minutes. He was only saved because he was already in the hospital when it happened. The night I reached out, we weren't sure if we were going to have to make that one decision nobody ever wants to make.

He did pull through, but like most his age, it just seemed to keep snowballing from there. He has been in the hospital numerous times since and has always come home, albeit a little weaker each time.

4 days ago he had to go in again. They decided to try dialysis (which he needed before, but couldn't get because his heart was just too weak for it). They were going to do it this time because it was a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. He might die with it but was definitely dying without it. The day before yesterday, they took him in to run the line they would need for dialysis and before they could finish he had to be out on a ventilator again.

I have tried to be upbeat and hope for the best. He has pulled through on more than one occasion when the odds were highly stacked against him, but I am not sure he has it in him this time. I think he's tired

He's been sedated since then. They have run 3 rounds of dialysis on him anyway in hopes that it would improve his oxygen levels and get him off of the ventilator. No luck so far and the older you get the harder it is to get you off of the ventilator once you are on it for a prolonged period of time.

I can not tell you how painful it is to see someone in restraints, on a ventilator, and about 130 pounds slimmer than they were 8 months ago. I know that some of you know that pain. For those of you who do not, I hope with everything I have in me that you never do.

I have been blessed so far in that I do still have both of my parents currently.

I was there when they took him back and he just looked defeated. Tired. Tired of being tired and sick constantly.

I go from wanting him to just wake up and be ok for a little while longer to thinking about how damned selfish that is. Then I catch myself thinking that maybe it would be better if he just passed while he was still under sedation so he wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Who the hell even knows which feeling is the right one?

I don't really know why I feel the need to post about it. I am a stay at home mother and my mom is the only friend I really have. She's going through a lot and I guess I don't won't to burden her, but felt the need to get it out.

I don't really need replies...but I would ask that again, if you could spare a prayer or a thought it would be more appreciated than you know.

Yes. I know this isn't a support board.

Any port in a storm.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

Hope things look up. I lost my grandma to cancer I few months back. Its tough losing a loved one.

I remember this:
Rejoice for those that transform into the force. --Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi

Sorry if a bloody Star Wars quote is off the mark but it always helped me.

Sorry for your Dad
I dunno what to say but keep strong and remember when times were better.
It is normal for usto think that it may be best for someone to pass away instead of the pain and that is because you love them and don't want them to suffer.
Oh and your Mother isn't your only friend you have many many on ATS.
Stay safe and If you need a talk anytime you know where we all are.
Love BM.

a reply to: CagliostroTheGreat

I'll take your Star Wars quote and I thank you for it. Truly. That is what we are supposed to do, but it's sometimes hard to not be so selfish even when you know you are doing it.

Thank you. A lot.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

I do not know what it is like to see a family member go through something like this, and so any comment I make is going to be ill informed. What I DO know is, that I find it strange that at this time, with all this on your mind, your husband thought that this would be an appropriate time to go fishing.

I have a very good friend, who has stuck by me and took me in when I was homeless. We have an entirely platonic friendship, she and I. Despite the platonic nature of our friendship, when she needs someone to be around, when she is concerned for her father (who has been in and out of hospital lately with heart trouble), it does not matter what I have planned, or what I want to be doing, I drop it, and I make myself available, because that is what people do when they care about someone. Similarly, when I am overcome with gloom, she is there for me. It is what you do for your friends.

You are in a marriage, and that is supposed to be the ultimate friendship, a partnership, a mutually beneficial structure of support and love, transcending all other concerns, including the natural male imperative to go to a body of water, and tempt fish to their doom, and yet you are dealing with this without him? What the heck is up with that?

Thinking of you ..... sending good thoughts your way ....

a reply to: boymonkey74

Thank you BM. That means more than you probably know at this very moment. I love all you guys too.

I go from wanting him to just wake up and be ok for a little while longer to thinking about how damned selfish that is. Then I catch myself thinking that maybe it would be better if he just passed while he was still under sedation so he wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

Lingering death in the family is the toughest, especially in the world of modern medicine. I have recently watched several of my neighbors go through this exact process you are describing.

Looking back, I think their passing was unnecessarily prolonged by the doctors that cared for them. They weren't very happy being patched up time and again. They were tired like you say your father seems. The doctors job is to respond with all their expertise but in retrospect I was left wondering is all that really necessary? Seemed such a strain on the family and especially the "patient" to keep prolonging the inevitable.

Just an opinion.

a reply to: TrueBrit

I told him to go. He wanted to stay but it is a fishing trip he takes with his father every year. He needs those memories for his own comfort when he goes through this with his own father. I could not take those away when I know how meaningful they will be to him. He is close enough that if something were to happen between now and then, he would be here quick enough. My father has been sick for quite a few months and we don't know if he has hours, days, or weeks left.

I know what you mean, but it was my choice for him to go since he could make it back pretty quickly. I do generally keep things bottled up and I do not like to show emotion face to face with anyone. Not my mother or my husband. He does see it though when I can't contain it at times. Unless things get worse, I can use a few days alone to deal with it in my way. I will need his comfort, but for now these days alone will help more than hurt.

a reply to: FlyersFan

Thank you FF. I will take all I can get.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

I'm sorry to hear the bad news about your dad.
I believe in positive energy, and will try my best to send some your way tonight.
Also will say a prayer for your dad.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

You have my prayers and thoughts.

Remember that you are human, that there is no "right way to think".

He knows you love him. Perhaps that's the best comfort to have.

a reply to: intrptr

I have been having those thoughts myself. My husband and I went up last night to see him and all of his stats looked good. My husband couldn't understand why all of the stats looked good and he was so sick.

The machines were controlling it all. He couldn't grasp that some people could be kept that way perpetually.

After seeing all of this, I would have to say that I agree with you. The technology is miraculous no doubt and it saves many lives and I am so thankful for that. But it does cause you to wonder, like you said. The prolonged suffering, I don't think is really worth it. It's so hard to live on that yo-yo of maybe, maybe not, better, worse, roller coaster for so long.

I would selfishly like for him to keep coming back to us. But not at those costs. It just isn't fair to do that.

Keep strong please, if there's such a thing as energies, I'm transmitting you my most positive energies

I can relate to this situation, when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, I was still very young but it was very hard nonetheless, he pulled it through, but just exactly like you said, weaker.. he's been to the hospital countless times after that, and that man I once saw as a figure of authority, someone so strong that nothing could happen to him, and as I grow older and stronger I can see him grow older and weaker, turning a bit senile and most of the times having a hard time talking to me, saddens me very very very much... but, what can we do? It's the cycle of life, damn when it happens, at least it's finally their time to rest peacefully after all they've contributed.

cheers, be calm and in peace

a reply to: Rainbowresidue

Thank you RR. We'll take whatever you've got to spare and be thankful for it.

a reply to: beezzer

That he does Beezzer. I made sure that's the last thing he heard when they were taking him down to the OR. I am thankful for that as many others do not even get that chance.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers too. They do mean a lot to me.

Sorry to hear about your father .. hope that he gets better ..
Will light joss sticks and request the Buddhas watch over him ..

Its never easy losing those close to you ..

a reply to: Expat888

I'm not picky expat. I'll take whatever you have with open arms and be grateful for it. I thank you for taking the time and the effort. I keep saying it means a lot.... but it does. It means the world.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

You are a loving caring human being. He should be so pleased to have you as a daughter. When the time comes you will know what to do. What would he desire for you if you were in his position?

Also consider what other loved ones are saying about it, too.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

You are a loving caring human being. He should be so pleased to have you as a daughter. When the time comes you will know what to do. What would he desire for you if you were in his position?

Also consider what other loved ones are saying about it, too.

Thank you for those words. My mother will have full say if it comes down to that and I know she will make the right decisions. She was there beside me and saw the same look in his eyes that I did. Other than us and a brother who never graces anyone with his presence, we are all the loved ones with a say.

I just know I feel bad for wanting more time at any cost and I feel bad for not wanting him to suffer longer than he has to. I KNOW what the right decision would be if it comes to that. Selfish feelings would have to be put away for what is right.