The Shed 2

a reply to: jacygirl thanks jacy..i know what mean..i have tried so much..about not thinking about my home...but once i go to bed there it is..i cant get my mind off not knowing how they are treating my house..syx and i was to grow older in that house..i would so love to get money to buy the house back..but not sure it was getting to big for us..it was a 2 story fulll basement and attic plus garage and shed....we left behind..i had planted 2 roses bushes for my grand babies the year after they were born..it would have been hard to plant them in nov and dec..so that following year i did..so they are now 6 years old..i am not sure if the people removed them or what..i so wanted to bring them with but we didnt have the room to bring them had to much other things to get here...there was also a plant syx's mom planted for us years before she passed away and they are now gone..i also planted a another little bush it was a little purple flowers and smelled so so good..i cant spell the name syx knows the name..it was one of my moms favortie flowers also planted a few years after she passed away...i am i guess still trying to get over all the lost i had in only one year..mom,dad,grandma and syx's grandpa all with in weeks of each other..and its hard on me knowing now i cant drive to their graves when i get upset with syx..i have no were to go now..i have always had a mental disorder since i can remember.. always in speical ed classes and made fun of..being called retard is not a nice word...i so so hate that word...it has really put a tow on me..i heard my kids call each other that more then once i am sure and if i heard it i would slap them across their faces..told them that word is not allowed in this house..its not a nice word..but once they got older i did tell them why i hated that word so so much...i hear people caller others that in public at times and i so want to do the same thing..i have so many problems about so many things its not even funny any more..the hurt and pain i go through on a daily base...i cant let things go even when i say ok i will let go..my brain wont let them go..i try to think of other things and then again i start thinking of what i need to keep my mind off..it can just be some one saying some thing about parents or kids or what ever and there i go again thinking of what they just said..then i get depressed and cry over what was just said...i know alot of people are not going to stop talking about their parents or kids and things that puts me in that place..as i try to keep to my self this way i wont hear it from others..i dont like making friends cause of this..scared they are going to say they went to see their parents today or some thing else that will tricker my thoughts..i was talking to some one once a month a few years ago and it was helping until i lost my insurance..they i didnt have that person to talk to any more...yes i could talk to syx but he is not a REAL MD...LOL...he knows when i am down and tries his best to make me happy..he knows me way way to good..he knows my ups and downs..i was so lost when he was away from me for a while..sorry hun...i cried when i had to get food alone..cried when i had to go some where with out him...but i had to and i got in and out of the place as fast as i could..scared someone would hurt me and syx wasnt around to help me...i have troulbes alot of time falling to sleep..at times i cry my self to sleep..i do it very quietly so i dont wake syx up..but this is long so thansk so much jacy it does mean the world to me know others do care..and maybe some day i will be great...a reply to: jacygirl

sorry all i didnt mean for this to be that long...

I did get her giggling and laughing after that......Am helpin her with some chores so will be in and outta here.....

a reply to: ccbears

Hey sweetie,
I'm writing a reply to you...it might be long.
I just want you to know.

be back soon,
jacy

ok...i am on syx puter only cause he told me to come and read what you posted...i will be on mine in a little while...a reply to: jacygirl

a reply to: ccbears

Dear CC,
First of all, I can relate to what you said...a whole lot more than you would think.

I have been there....in that mental place where you are now. I was there for a long time, but I am getting out of it. Slowly, yes...but I am.

I feel that you have been treated very bady, before Syx. I understand how he makes you feel safe and secure. He knows that too, I'm sure. You are lucky to have someone love you that much. I never have.

I just erased a lot, because it's still too painful to put in writing.
Basically, I had to run away and go into hiding, from a husband who was evil and crazy. My girls had to live with their father, and the separation made me insane.
I couldn't watch commercials of women and kids eating breakfast together, because I would cry hysterically. I ached for them. I thought I was going to die.
I had no family...no friends really, not any that would help me. I lost everything, except my clothes. I lost all the home-made Christmas ornaments...photo albums...stuff that my kids made.
There were times I was so dark, that I thought I was going crazy. I hated seeing mothers out with their kids. My pain took over everything.

Okay, without talking about everything....it's been rough. I actually can't believe I survived.
I learned so much, about what matters to me...and who I want to be.
I have let go of so much...my stuff....my pain...even regret and anger.
Every day now, I realize that I have to choose. I have to choose to be better, for my kids (and now grandkids).
I have to make sure that they have ME...the person who loves them the most....alive and in their life. I don't want them to ever know what it feels like to have nobody.

YOU are not alone. You have people in your life who love you, and you have us here.
I will send you my e-mail address. We can stay in touch that way, if you want to.

It's taken a long time for me to feel better...I have back pain every day, and most days feel really crappy...but I force myself. I'm happy with how I'm doing.
I don't know if this helped, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

jacy

Quick hello to everyone. busy still but wanted to say I'm gonna try to do a little night shift tonight., Later, Syx.

Peeks in and sees the place un-guarded. Syx!!!!!!!! Where are you?????????? Dawg???? Homer???? Gimmee??? My little Foss????????? Did the entire night shift quit and not tell me? Hmmmm...

Looks around and hears strange noises and disembodied voices. "Hey guys? Guys???? Did you know the place was haunted while you have been away from the night shift?" Night looks around some more. "Was that the tinkling of shattered glass?"

"Um, guys? Those voices are telling me to GET OUT! Should I tell THEM to get out?" BANG! "AHHHHHH, was that furniture being overturned?" Night slowly and carefully slips out of the room and tries to leave the house. "Damned doorknob won't turn! Oh, it was locked." Runs out into the night and looks for help. "Where are those damned dragons when you need them the most?"

a reply to: Night Star

Hi Night!! I'm just gettin in. Here anyway, but only for a very short time. I have some work tomorrow! A switch for me. Easy stuff so I said Hell Yah to the guy who asked me to help him out! Could've done some helpin for him today, but my Doctor Appt ruined that one. Just some painting tomorrow, (today) so I'm up to that. I think. I 'll be rollin out of bed around 5:30, so like I said, short shift for me this time......


How Ya doin there?!

[[HEY!!! Whoever is in here , GET OUT!! NOW!!! How Dare You scare my friend that way!!! You will not like it if I find YOU!!! I will get the rest of the Dragons in here and we will have a barbecue. You for the Main Course!!!!!!!]]

Hahahahaha! That's tellin' 'em Syx!
Have a good day painting.

a reply to: Night Star

Hey, glad I caught ya . Was just about to leave. Copied the post I was gonna drop and decided to do a page reload real quick to see if you were still here!! LOL!
Here's the post anyways, cause I do have to get a few ZZZzzzzzz's... LOL
________________________________________________________________________

[ _ Looks like I scared off the perp. Good thing too, safe for now. My cue to go and grab a nap before my alarm goes off. LOL!!

Night, I'll be back on here for coffee in about 4 hours. SORRY I missed ya tonight, (Morn). MAybe I'll catch ya before I head out later.

G'Night All, and Good Mornin to those coming in. There's Coffee and Hot Tea on the counter, right over there along the Wall, so help YourSelf!!
The Coffee and Tea are spiked with Smiles and Laughter!!!

See Ya's later! Syx. _ ]

a reply to: Night Star

Hey, I'll hang with ya for about 10 mins or so. How ya been!?

a reply to: SyxPak

Ok I guess. Thanks for asking. Not even tired yet.

a reply to: Night Star

Ya know, I only had about 5hrs sleep last night, so I'm surprised I am not very tired right now. Damn Meds!! LOL!!!

Well, NOT damn them. But at times like this, when i really should be crashed, they keep me awake some... Know what I mean?

Most of my meds cause drowsiness but I tend to sleep during the day most of the time and am up all damned night into the early hours of morn when the birds start singing then I try to get some sleep. Chirp, chirp, peep peep.

a reply to: Night Star

LOL!!! The way my hearing is anymore, I ALWAYS have thousands of Birds chirpin, crickets by the millions, and occasional Herds of Frogs Ribbiting!!! Man drives me crazy!!! (Hmmm maybe that's why I'm nuts. Yah yah that's the Ticket!!!LOL!!!!)

a reply to: SyxPak

I hear the crickets and some frogs too. I like it though.

a reply to: Night Star

LOL!! YAh . I guess it's better than hearing, like Screams or something all the time!! LOL!!! Hey I gotts get some shut eye. See ya in a bit, if yer still on, ok?

Good Night Good Night, See Ya in the Morning Light!!

Goodnight sweet dragon, goodnight! Sweet dragon dreams!!