A confession of gratitude to "Her".

reply to post by tadaman


Hi there,

A few things I don't understand. Are you in America? If so, why is your wife overseas because of immigration issues? Did you get married overseas? I can't see how you could have married her here if she was here without citizenship.

Second, I can understand not telling your wife out of consideration. At the very least though you need to let her know, in whatever way suits you, that she will always be playing second fiddle at this point. This point came to pass when you met a woman who makes you feel. Your words. Something your wife wasn't able to do in the way you needed it. Maybe you feel the need to stay with her out a self of obligation for your child if you have one. Or out of a sense of commitment since you went through a ceremony and signed some papers making you both a couple on a legal level. Whatever the reason, make sure she knows because if you do find a way to keep loving her, it will be because of that conduit, that other woman. That other woman opened up something in you that, yes, you can transfer to your wife, but your wife really should know that. That she is loved by you because another woman matured you in a way that now makes that level of love possible. If she can live with that.........she loves you. If she can't, you need to divorce her and move on because not every woman, or man for that matter, has that level of understanding or acceptance.

That should be obvious though because of the level of most responses you've gotten here so far.

One more thing, your wife may be understanding of your female friends, but this woman you're talking about wasn't one of them. A man is a "friend" with a woman because the level of interaction between them both is a superficial one. What you felt with this other woman wasn't superficial. It may have started that way but it soon grew into something bigger. Something deeper and something you can't put up on a shelf somewhere and ignore when your wife gets back. You both pursued this. You both felt something that only two people in love can feel, and you can't go back to being just friends anymore. There will always be that undercurrent that you will feel if you two meet again in a social gathering or something. And if your wife would happen to be there as well, if she's the intuitive type, she'll be able to see it.

If what you had was as meaningful as you claim it was, it won't die. It doesn't matter how much of a bitch she was in those final days or how much of an a-hole you were. If you two are never together again, it doesn't matter. You'll both be living with the residue for the rest of your lives.

reply to post by tadaman



As if I were not removed from society enough, this has made me feel more at peace in being so removed. As much as I appreciate the candor--as it truly is a reality for you and cannot be glossed over with lies--not sure what you expected in the way of reaction when you posted it, as it is obvious you have been most dissatisfied with almost every response you have received.

Jesus, I'm even faithful to an unrequited love. I must seem quite sick to others. However, I feel peace with that decision. As peaceful as you seem to be in your decision to be unfaithful. Yes, further and further away I go...

reply to post by tadaman


Being able to provide a solid foundation for your family and yourself, is of the utmost importance, when you are in a position of responsibility for the well being of those you call family.

Looking inward, and seeing that there are ways in which we can change, grow, and improve, is not a reflection of our failures; but instead are opportunities for us to 'level up' as a conscious, human being.
Being able to identify and acknowledge that we sometimes fall, is a type of 'strength' too; a necessary strength.

I wholeheartedly agree that we are human, imperfect, and that 'life happens.'
There are a whole lot of gray areas and blurred boundaries...
But that's hardly an excuse to allow and justify dishonesty, dishonor, disloyalty, and infidelity.

If we all believed we were 100% right, all of the time, there would be no cooperation, compromises, or trust between anyone.
I'd hope that you'd see that ultimately, we are all (myself definitely included), inherently flawed; but what defines us is how we choose to live, based off of that reality.

If you wholeheartedly believe, as you say, in your actions and these particular choices in your life, then full speed ahead. Go for the gusto. You're the one in charge of your life, and one day you will reap those rewards/debts. Such is the nature of the world we inhabit.

FlyersFan
BOTTOM LINE -

tadaman
I am not ashamed of what I did ...
.... I will also not apologise for it.

Neanderthal behavior.
"Oh look at me ... I'm an adulterer and a liar. I'm not sorry and I'm going to keep on lying."
Seriously sucky dude.

What I have learned in life is that when we mature we are able to understand where we have wronged and feel sorry. Immatureity can't do that they are never wrong and they try to validate everything they do. When things all come down (wife finds out) (or wife does same husband finds out) the pain in her/his eyes will be enough to finally understand, there is no gray there is black and white and losing everything for nothing, a childs game.

reply to post by tadaman

What would you do if all your coworkers go out for a drink on a holiday? Not go just because this random person who is still not anything to you yet is there?

Yes young Man this is exactly what a mature person would do, since the wife is away and temptation in play. For her and yourself and your child, what is a few lost drinking sessions with the buddies.

You knew where you was going and you took the broad road. What you need to do now is admit how wrong it was and be sorry, it is too late to undo but at least that is the road to growing, not your rose colored imitation growing you mention in the OP.

tadaman

You just cant get enough.

I dont know what to say. Thank you. I am flattered. You are carrying a conversation with yourself. Really. No one is responding to you, and you keep commenting. Its something else....

Thanks for your concern. It really means something.

LOL ....

You are the OP of this thread, on a public forum and almost without exception

(except for 'SkeetFighter' the now banned 'new' member) every poster has replied

to YOU ....So are they ALL carrying on a conversation with themselves?


What's your problem ? ....Have I hit on a raw nerve?? ...... LOL!

reply to post by eletheia

Youre funny. And up until this one post and the last....no one is even talking to you....yet you have so much to say.

Again. Thank you for your concern. It will be received in the same spirit it was offered.

reply to post by Char-Lee

No. That is absurd and unhealthy. It is also condusive for resentment towards your partner.

Being honest with oneself is key to lasting relationships. That behavior you recommend is OK, for childish adults who never look too far or long at themselves. Its not that simple. Nothing is, but hey we can say whatever we want and pass it off as truth. Even bad advice.

I don't think its for me

reply to post by bojimbo

Well first thank you for your well thought out response.

I disagree with the logic behind it, but do see where you are coming from.

I know what I am doing. I know how this will turn out. It is not that I am unhappy with my wife. All the contrary.

To explain would be useless though. I have already. If you understand then great. If not, it may not be for you is all.

Have a good one.

reply to post by Peacetime
I never went looking for love, or a replacement for my wife. Anything. I wouldn't trade her for anything. The thought is alien to me.

I do and will always love her. This woman I met really has nothing to do with her. I never thought to compare them.

I don't need to tell her. I need to keep doing exactly what I have been which is caring for and loving my family.

And I do so not out of obligation or consideration. I do it because I want to. It comes naturally. That too is instinct.

I will not be discussing my wife any further nor will I entertain curiosities about her immigration concerns.

And I already said I won't be friends with this woman. We both need to move on. This was what it was, but life goes on.

Have a good one.

reply to post by StarlightNine

I can understand that. It is not necessary to be with someone. Society tells us that you must be with someone and that they must be of a certain sex and age.

Its all BS. Do what you know is right for you.

Society has a bad track record anyways. Why on earth would you listen to it? Does it pay your rent or offer help?

So there you go. Best guesses without experience to back it up are worthless to you when things get real.

I know what the bible and our societies laws say about relationships. I don't think I care very much. I only care what my partner and I say.

The rest...I file away under fiction.

reply to post by tadaman

And I already said I won't be friends with this woman.

Ah I see one of you are going to quit your job.

reply to post by Char-Lee

Actually we no longer work together. She left under unrelated circumstances. I only kept in contact with her initially since I got her a job upon her request, before anything happened. I did walk away before things excalated initially.

I don't date coworkers.

BUT Life gets complicated. Anyone not living a sheltered life would know that.

People who just live life not really digging too deep are the ones who get screwed over by pastors with surprise interests in sin, or spouses with secret 20 year resenentments, ect.

I am not surprised anymore. This sinner knows what we are really capable of...especially "the flock". They can reach new heights of wrong, because they think they are so good, and never face their real demons.

Heaven is for sinners who learn something. Hell is for the superior "good guys". They seem to think they are special or "better" than others.

tadaman
Heaven is for sinners who learn something. Hell is for the superior "good guys". They seem to think they are special or "better" than others.

Hell is for unrepentant adulterers .. those who cheated and lied and aren't sorry for it.
Hell is for those who plan on telling lies to their spouses in order to keep themselves out of trouble.
Hell is for haughty sinners who outwardly claim to have 'learned something' but who are unremorseful.
The key to staying out of hell is remorse and repentance. Attitude is a one way ticket to hell.

Heaven is for sinners who learn something AND repent.
Simply learning something doesn't get a person into heaven.
And if someone really repents .... they will have remorse and try to make amends.

You played theologian and brought up a thinly veiled passive/aggressive post about others going to hell and you going to heaven. According to basic Christian teaching, until you drop the attitude and have serious sorrow for your adultery and lies, YOU have a very 'warm' future to look forward to. Good luck with that.

/out

reply to post by FlyersFan





LOL!....


He's like the kid caught with chocolate all round his mouth and still denying

having taken it!! ....LOL!

reply to post by eletheia


The guy said he wasn't sorry and never would be. At this point you might as well high five him for all his stars, and lament the state of the world.

Personally I think he's going to hell and I'll probably see him there.

DeadSeraph


The guy said he wasn't sorry and never would be. At this point you might as well high five him for all his stars, and lament the state of the world.

What 'stars'? ..... Am I missing something? ....

Apart from his first couple of posts, he has only had one per post (curious as to

who that could be ) or none


One word comes to mind and I'm out .... KARMA and I don't doubt he'll

be getting his!

This OP really grinds my gears. Not the fact that he cheated and is trying to find justification for it, that's just annoying to me.

What made my blood boil was the complete lack of feeling guilt over it, and not feeling sorry.

My goodness, this OP shows me a a selfish, immature, and irresponsible person,who still has a lot to learn.

I will give my husband a big hug and a big kiss when he comes home, and tell him about this thread.

I apologize for being harsh, but I wanted to be honest.

OP...I'm curious, HAVE you told your wife yet? ....if so, what was her reaction? ....if you have not told her yet, when are you planning to? .....the only reason why I'm asking is because you say she will not mind. ....so....knowing that the majority of woman do NOT like to share, and are territitorial by nature, I am trying to figure out if your marriage was arrange, mail order bride, or a convenience type and not based on true love. So in that case, she wouldn't care. ...otherwise, if you did marry for love ,and after you tell her,and the trust barrier is gone, I'd be curious to see how she starts reacting to you. Love has a funny way of rearing it's ugly head when you take it for granted.

Well lets break this down shall we...

"anyways, I am a faithful, lonely husband. I embrace personal honor and take any oaths or vows very seriously."

No, you're not faithful, you cheated on your wife.

Then you say "-what ever this non sexual,friend lover" and earlier you said "though the relationship was sexual in the end."

So the relationship WAS sexual, you said so.

Then you say "I don't date coworkers." where earlier you said "So, I met this woman at work. A coworker."

So, c'mon...

Be brave and stand up and say it... You're a cheat, a love rat, you're not faithful, respectful or take love seriously.

Just be honest with yourself.