Score one for the rednecks

During a game of golf, a man injures his knee and quits the game early to go see a Doctor.

Once he gets into the Doctor's office, the Doctor examines his knee while quietly mumbling to him self.

After a minute, the Doctor then says "Sir, you will have to quit masturbating."

The man says "Why?"

The Doctor says "Because I'm trying to examine your knee."


(I think this joke is okay to post?)

On the Cancer Altzheimers' joke, People who get cancer don't get Altzheimers', and vice versa.

The cops digging up the field joke I origionaly heard it, She was pregnant, and he was in jail suspected of robbery, and she complained about having to dig up the potato patch to plant potatos while pregnant. He sends her a letter saying "Don't dig up the potato patch, thats where I hid the guns and money." Two days later she sends him a letter about how a dozen cops were digging up the potato patch. He sends her back a letter "Plant the potatos."

An English couple were driving away from the Pub late one night with their two year old son when they were pulled over and the husband was asked to take a breath test. The test said he was loaded, and he said the machine is busted, try it on my wife. She takes the test and the machine says she is even drunker than her husband. She says of course that machine is busted, try it on junior. Junior sleepily gives it his best blow and the machine says he is the drunkest of the three. The cop decides the machine is busted and leaves. The Husband turns to his wife and says, "That was a stroke of genius giving Junior that shot of brandy before we left the Pub."

So a baby seal walks into a club...

I'm just sayin'...

Offensive jokes...offensive jokes..........OK


I took my 4 year old nephew swimming the other week, and as we were getting changed he pointed at my penis and said it was bigger than his daddies....



To be fair, he's probably never even seen his dad with an erection!

I think I can go one maybe borderline T&C. Seeing how we are on the disease & drunk driving route. Let me try this one.

Once there was an old couple who lived at the old folks home...Milly & Clyde. They were'nt married but each and everyday after they ate their lunch. Milly & Clyde would go sit on the bench in the very back of the garden. After they sat down, Milly would throw her shaw over their laps. Then she would slide her hand under and just hold it for Clyde. This went on for years.

One day Clyde was not at lunch as usual, so Milly went looking for him. Low & behold she found Clyde on THEIR bench with another woman & another shaw.....Milly flew mad and shouted at Clyde"" What the hell does she got that I don't have" Clyde said.....Parkinson's Disease.

A big shot executive from London has had enough of the rat race and decides to retire and move to a secluded spot in the Scottish highlands. After a few weeks of settling in with nothing to disturb his peace, there's a knock at the door.
At the door is a wee old bent over man with weather bitten features.
"hello sonny" he said. "Im your nearest neighbour from over the hill, and Ive just hiked the 10 mile trail to come and welcome you to the area".
A bit taken aback by this unexpected visitor, the exec stutters " thank you, I guess you should come in".
"there'll be no need for that laddy" said the old man. "Ive just come to invite you to a wee party Im having next week".
The exec replies "oh...OK, what sort of party?"
"...Oh, there'll be drinking and dancing and dancing and drinking"
"Anything else?" the exec mumbled.
"oh, there'll be drinking and dancing and fighting and shagging and dancing and fighting and drinking and shagging!"
A bit flustered and somewhat embarrassed, the exec says " I see... should I dress up...I mean, is there a dress code?"
To which the old man replies
"Naaaah, come as you are man... it'll only be you and me!!!"

Theres a teuchter joke for ye...

This guy goes into a bar.
He sits down and is looking frequently towards, the door.
After about 10 minutes, he walks to the bar and asks the bartender. " I was wondering, my friend is a little late and he's buying. Could you spot me a beer and when my friend gets here, he'll cover it"

The bartender states, "sorry, we don't extend credit here.

The guy sits back down, and after waiting another 10 minutes, he approaches the bartender again and says, "come on man, just spot me one beer until my friend arrives. He is a bit late, but should be here any time and pay."
The bartender again replies,

"we don't extend credit here, Sorry".

The man sits down again for about another 5 minutes and can't take it any more.
He again asks the bartender, " come on, just one beer for a few minutes and my friend is good for it."

The bartender is now thoroughly annoyed and tells the man, 'I'll tell you what. See that spittoon at the end of the bar?
Take a sip out of it and I'll give you a beer."

The man says "No way!" and sits back down.

After a few more minutes, his thirst gets the best of him and he tells the bartender he'll do it.

He walks to the end of the bar and picks up the spittoon and tips it back..."sip...sip..gulp glub glub gulp" tipping the spittoon all the way back and draining it completely.

When he walks back to the bartender, the bartender shouts,
"Hey buddy, that is the grossest thing I've ever seen.
I'll give you two beers and then get the hell out of my bar. I never want to see you here again.
Drink your beers and get the hell out!
I said take a sip out of the spittoon and you guzzled the whole thing!"

The man replied, "I had to, it was all one strand."

Lysergic
reply to post by blupblup

 

dude

you owe me a keyboard

Glad you enjoyed it

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.