I want to have a discussion about this article I just found...

reply to post by mysterioustranger


This is actually a great question...I find for me...that after 2 months...the things I thought were cute becoming annoying..if I can survive that it goes to 2 years easily..at that point is when sex kind of gets old for me....and I do find myself turning more romantic at this time but the sex life goes way down. I think physical interaction is important to a relationship but doesn't necessarily have to part of a marriage but it is an interesting philosophy on it.

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan


A divorce was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and we both agreed upon it....I still felt like such a failure...I swore id never get married again after it.

You bring up a good point about the daily grind... me and my ex gf both worked 50 hours a week in pretty professional career fields...I was a cop and she worked in medical. After we split up I quit the job...almost the next day....its the best decision I have ever made...I think it can be a huge factor working too much. It is not just hanging out but hanging out when you are not drained from the job.

reply to post by Ayana


IMO a marriage must be fulfilling on on fronts. There's nothing wrong with going somewhere for something better, but you have to leave what you have.

Unless you have an open marriage like I sort of do in which case these concerns are already worked out. She's right not to feel bad, because she has no actual responsibility to the third party. People should probably just stop demonizing sex and men's culture as much and this wouldn't be such an issue.

~Tenth

reply to post by cosmicexplorer


I understand that my husband made bad choices, but I also understand that I was selfish in giving him what he wanted. In my mind I had "excuses", which may not have seemed selfish, but it was. When we were dating we were all over each other, every day. That changed pretty fast once we got married (probably due to a surprise honeymoon baby). I neglected him. While I take responsibility for my lack of affection, I also understand it was his decision, and I honestly think it was wrong. Can I rationalize it? Sure. Try to understand it? Yes. But no matter how logically I look at it, it still fraking hurts and feels like my heart is being cut out.
Sorry...... Rambling here.

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan


A system like yours is one I would like. My husband, unfortunately, is not vocal about his needs. He keeps it in until it's too late. However, I am trying to learn how to better read him and try to pick up on his signs that things are at the best place.
We are trying to avoid divorce. While I know a lot of people think that is things get rough then there is nothing wrong with leaving, I feel like it takes work 5o have something great. And we have 3 small children to think about as well. Another one of those "don't stay together for the kids"- I think a lot of marriages are tossed that could have been saved. I am not judging others who have divorced. If it weren't for our kids, I would have walked a long time ago.
Here' s to hoping we can make it, and gain back the trust that was lost!

reply to post by chelsdh


You are not rambling at all...sadly ive taken more interest in this thread than any other thread on here lately...

I hate every moment when I think back to how much hardship I caused her and her family. I really wish you the best and message me any time if you need to vent. I know my ex calls/texts me daily and on occasion enjoys giving me a good a$$ chewing every now and then to blow off some steam and here I am year later still gladly taking it each time cause id do about anything I could to make her feel better. Hang in there.

To stay on thread...I think we havent even begun to really see how much social media is affecting relationships and the convenience of technology.

20 years ago I had to call a girl...her dad picked up the phone...I had to be grilled by him..then I talked to the girl for 15 minutes before both our parents yelled at us...we did this for 2 months before finally getting to see a movie together. Things went so slow and really built up. Now you meet a girl on a dating site at 0800am and by 2100hrs you are sending nudes to each other or talking dirty....its just that easy and happens so fast. Ok maybe not sending nudes and talking dirty but you feel you know so much more of them in such little time.

reply to post by cosmicexplorer

I remembered another line from my rock and roll band days. When questioned about "sleeping around"...someone replied "Hey! I go to bed with a LOT of women. But I only only go to sleep with my wife!".

For me the distinction in sexual relations are the feelings of love that a person has for a spouse vs a sexual partner. If a person is just getting laid for the sake of getting laid, it's a natural thing - and - it tends to keep the marriage a lot healthier over time because that temptation is gone along with the sexual frustration. Having sex with another person in no way means that the person loves their spouse any less or has any desire to trudge through life without them. It just doesn't seem right that a person would get married AND agree to only have sex with that one person for the rest of their lives. That tends to lead to a lot of divorces when somebody breaks the rules, based on what I've seen. I should also say that it's important for the married couple to both agree on this and talk about it openly. Perhaps they don't talk about all of the sexual partners, just the understanding that they are both cool with it and have an agreement that protection will be used at all times. Where I think the line has to be drawn is continued sexual relations with a different person. That sort of behavior can lead to feelings of love that are supposed to be reserved for the spouse. One of the strange side-effects of an open marriage is that since there is nothing wrong with 'straying', the temptation to 'stray' isn't nearly as prevalent as it is when 'straying' is strictly off limits.

reply to post by cosmicexplorer


Social media has been a really horrific thing for a lot of people/relationships, I believe. I do use it some, but my husband deleted his for obvious reasons.... Want to know something creepy.... when I FINALLY figured out how wild social media is? First, let me say that I moved around a lot growing up. I had absolutely no connection to kids I went to elementary school with. I did manage to find my best friend from grade school, and through her found my first crush! He likely has no idea of who I am, or that I ever existed in his small world. 20 years later and I can look at his life, pilfer through his pictures and see where time has brought him.

I also remember having to call someone of the opposite sex on the house phone, hoping that he would answer and I wouldn't have to go through mom, dad or siblings.... It was so nerve racking! Or when i was trying to prevent my family from knowing I was on the phone, and I knew when someone was supposed to call me, I would sit with my hand on the receiver and pick it up at the first sound! I saw a meme the other day that said something to effect of "I didn't have screen shots when I was in middle school, we had 3 way calls, with one of us on mute!" It made me laugh, because I remember doing that.

This thread hit close to home for me, and it's something that I have probably not talked about like I should have. I try to keep it under wraps. I know a lot of people look down on those who stick with an unfaithful other half. I have enough issues without other people judging me for that!

It would seem she is having her ego stroked because he is the husband/partner

of another woman .... some women get off on that.

For all her bravado, she sounds to me that she really has no self esteem

otherwise why would she take the dregs of the mans affections? After all he's still

with his wife/partner? She won't be too happy if he turns up on her door step with

his baggage, problems, debts, and moods


If he paid the same attention to his wife's/partner's needs he might get better

responses from her .... after all she is getting short changed by him?


'A long contentment is often better than a quick fix?'


*The true measure of a mans real character is 'What he would do if he knew he would

not be found out! * (Thomas Babington Macaulay)

I think it is unwise for the author of that article to make such judgements based solely on the perspective of her lover, and other males. She's privy to only half the story.

I remember my mother putting so much effort into the the sex life between her and my stepfather- in her mind, it was only through constant effort to surprise and seduce him that she could keep him. And yet, years after the fact, it was revealed he had had affairs- while she was pregnant with my little brother.

Perhaps he told his conquests that he is dying of boredom with a wife who doesn't put out anymore or have any fun with him, but it would not be true. What seemed to be the real case is that he was scared to death of the responsibility looming ahead, of his first child. He'd finally agreed to marry her and let her children live with him, after more than nine years.

The stress, plus the normal draw of the forbidden, is more likely the reason he did it, despite her efforts. But men find it hard to read their innermost feelings sometimes, and it is just plain easier to blame it on someone else. He didn't do it after that period, once he got used to the idea of being domestic, and saw he could handle being a father.

I have been lucky, I guess. As I prepare for Valentines Day, planning a sexy and sizzling evening with my husband of 23 years, and had a discussion with a male friend today about cultural views on sex, I reflected on the great relationship we've had.
We're both physical people- I need physical affection and sex as much as he does. But we went through a period when the kids were all little when it cooled down a little bit, just because we were exhausted most of the time, and identifying too closely to our roles as parents.

As they got older, we were able to re-find each other though. They've all left the nest now, we're in our forties, and are living a new phase of romance and sex that I never dreamed possible. All the excitement of our twenties, but with the strong ties of trust that get built after so many years, and money to go on romantic weekends and buy toys and lingerie.

I have considered open marriage and swinger type stuff- and decided it is not for me. My emotions are wrapped up in sex, and I don't feel able to open up to anyone I haven't formed a bond of trust with. But I can handle it if he wanted to, and I have told him that. So far, he worries about the possible complications that could come of such a choice...he values the security of our relationship and feels he needs that as much as I do.

I did not know love could be this great. My parents were divorced, every adult I knew of as a child was married many times. I didn't take my marriage vows that seriously- I figured it was "until divorce do we part". I just lived each moment in the present, with no expectations for the future. Went through a stage in early thirties, when i got concerned that it was getting late for our parting and I'd have trouble finding another man if I waited much more.... only to realize I didn't want anyone else! I was still madly in love! WTF?

I keep being surprised as I find love does have ANOTHER level of awesomeness, I couldn't have guessed at!

My point here is that
at least from my own life experience, it seems to me that couples may pass a period of building a life together, in which the fun and sex part can take backseat for a while. But that doesn't mean it will forever, and when it moves to the forefront again, within the security you've built together (both materially and emotionally) it can bloom in a way that really makes it all worth it.
Seriously.
Some of the best things in life take some effort and time to create, and our culture feeds our appetite for immediate gratification.
I think men and women have things to teach each other- and marriage is a school for both partners. Learning to delay gratification and impulse control is one of the things we learn.

I wonder where the author of this article will be when she is fifty, and in what circumstances, emotionally?
It is as age creeps up on us, that the excited twinkle in the eye of your partner, and the knowledge (gained over years of experience) that you can trust and lean on them in any way needed, really becomes important.

mysterioustranger
reply to post by cosmicexplorer

 

I remembered another line from my rock and roll band days. When questioned about "sleeping around"...someone replied "Hey! I go to bed with a LOT of women. But I only only go to sleep with my wife!".

Haha never heard that one before....brilliant...and true ya know.

reply to post by chelsdh


I don't believe in god for the most part....I dont really know but I do think forgiveness is one of the most powerful things on this planet...its illogical to forgive someone but yet people every day find a way to do it. I think a couple that can work through cheating is untouchable and quite amazing.

I know exactly what you mean about hoping no one else answered when you called! Id hear my mom come by the room and try to listen at my door ....hahah how did we ever do it back then! It was indeed nerve wracking!

reply to post by Bluesma




I'd say you've pretty much hit the nail square on the head!

I thought the women of today were far to smart and savvy to get taken in, and

fall for that old chestnut of a tale "My wife/partner doesn't understand me ....

lol, truth is she probably understands him very well


And yes with every passing year the 'other woman's' currency?/attractiveness?

is waning .... and there comes a time in everyone's life when they appreciate

the trust, and familiarity of comfortable love to cherish them in their

later years!

reply to post by cosmicexplorer


Ive heard a lot of em in my band days...I could write a book...

It doesnt matter what is naturally programmed into the body suit, whether men are hard wired to spread seed and women to stability and hearth and home. None of this matters.

This world is a testing ground and we have the checkerboard floor, or chess board, dark and light squares in our very DNA. We're not supposed to be primitive and run with the body suit, and do whatever it dictates. That is the biblical beast, and the world we see, the body, what we believe is true, is literally the rock or weeping angel from Doctor Who and if we see it in our mind, it kills us. Thats all a metaphor, we're co-creators and we're striving to be like salmon who swim upstream against the impulses, the anger, lust, greed, selfishness, to remember our Love and become helpers and good to those around us, making them happy.

We;re supposed to see through what we perceive as the reality and the average programs, and turn it around, make a difference, see it as illusion, for we're spirit not dust/plasma, and we need to act with love and integrity.

In other words, don't believe what you see, use your consciousness to create what you know is Good and Loving.

So, whatever negative (and I mean this in that it would make your family unhappy, your children unhappy, and deprive them of good lives themselves including your loved ones, wivers, girlfriends, the mother of your children. Negative is pretty obvious.

Overcome your impulses and dark squares. Letting the natural all hang out is being primtive, you become more machine than man/spirit/consciousness, just a robot, the beast.

reply to post by Ayana

Obviously she is bull#ing because she cant get some of these dudes to stay to long with her long enough, shes basically the second or third or fourth or 20th something choice for some of these dudes. And so she skips along, making her weaknesses her strengths, its something females are practiced at, making a mountain out of a molehill and weighing and balancing her life by the only thing she knows or know how, other peoples relationships what the other women thinks and what she does.

And besides it takes two to tango, or in her and there majority of the dudes cases, it takes more then two to tango. If it were not so then they would all not be there. So ya everybody is doing what they want to do.

But in all whatever floats there boats I suppose, nobody but the husbands made themself cheat or move on to her, and nobody but her, well lets just say gravitated toward those types of situations and relationships. And yes they are relationships, as everything in life is, were such a thing is concerned is. I mean what else would it be.

What do I think about this thing?

The truth is. I dont think much about it as its just a stupid waste of time and energy, and ultimately just people doing there thing. They made up all there rules, and they will eventually break them, or life by them, or be broken by them. That is all there is to it, and likely all there ever will be.

eletheia


I thought the women of today were far to smart and savvy to get taken in, and

fall for that old chestnut of a tale "My wife/partner doesn't understand me ....

lol, truth is she probably understands him very well

I had a coworker once who spent time divulging us details of her affair with a married man, and how he hadn't had sex with his wife for two years.
The wife that was six months pregnant, that is.
I was astounded that she could tell me those two facts in the same breath without batting an eye.

And yes with every passing year the 'other woman's' currency?/attractiveness?

is waning .... and there comes a time in everyone's life when they appreciate

the trust, and familiarity of comfortable love to cherish them in their

later years!

-and not only for the woman! I've watched my husband struggle with the effects of aging, and it is really hard on him, leaving him feeling terribly vulnerable.
Yet he is still very attractive physically, has developed an even more charming personality with time, and has the added plus of power and money that he didn't have when younger- which makes him even more sought after by women. But these kind of women almost scare him .

He wants a woman he can depend on, not one that is just out for some partying. But that's where I think this woman isn't seeing the whole of the situation- that it is not only the wife that wanted to focus on a secure relationship and home- men have the same sorts of needs. He didn't marry me just because of my looks- he married me because of my character, and the way I made him feel safe.
We can all have moments in our lives where opposing desires and drives in us wrestle, and the need for security and the need for freedom are often at odds. This woman recognizes one side of that battle, but hasn't acknowledged the other- that her lover got himself into his situation on purpose, and will stay in it for that purpose, ultimately.

I have pondered this a bit over the last day or so...

..relationships seem to carry some of the same dogma that homosexuality in general does It seems that the "norm" is something that people take pride in, and from there which feeds their ego. I think someone finding happiness in something different is a threat to their ego.

But when it comes to matters relating to sex, it is also relating to pride in the ability to overcome. For example, the concept that the homophobe has their own repressed urges has been validating in studies. Not that "studies" means anything, because while figures don't lie, liars can definitely figure. Perhaps in matters of relationships on the whole a similar issue is at play.

I have seen that some ladies in this thread relate the author of the linked article is essentially the Whore of Babylon. Others are more favorable, and take a viewpoint that is les harsh. Perhaps those who have the harshest view feel that way due to pride in their "accomplishment" at controlling "animal urges"?

A lot of societal/cultural control comes through pressure to maintain the norm by using social pressure. Social pressure tends to arise from the most vocal segment of society. The ones who feel the most passionate about a subject are the ones who typically tend to steer the rest of society towards this "norm".

reply to post by cosmicexplorer


Sent you a U2U.