I have lost the ability to be compassionate...

Well it finally happened, bashing my line of work over and over, combined with a very real lack of medical care for a botched surgery has made me unable to be compassionate for anyone else.

Let me preface, for fifteen years I have helped everyone I could at whatever point I could, to the point of taking my jacket off in freezing cold weather to make sure someone else doesn't freeze to death.. in my job I have always investigated every single allegation (with the exception of the OPPT morons) with the same vigor I would if it happened to me. Then all of a sudden...

Nope, no more left from me.

Someone here said that made me a HORRIBLE PERSON and PART OF THE PROBLEM, well after years of this stuff where's my help?

We got screwed in 2011, and are still recovering from that (The great Northeast Snowstorm) our infrastructure has never recovered, but I see people in Georgia complaining about snow.. and I can't feel sorry for them, I see people complaining that they had their power knocked out for a few days... I can't feel sorry for them anymore, I see death and destruction, and I feel nothing, it's like I've been totally stripped of any emotion or feeling, or anything unless it pertains to my immediate family (and even then only my girls)

I can't get Food Stamps to help offset the bills, I can't get energy assistance to help pay the 1500 dollar a month propane bill (heat and hot water) or the now 200 dollar a month CL&P bill (that has steadily gone up every year since the storm.) I can't get assistance of any kind with the exception of the special services the girls get, that get paid for through grants from the Dept of Health and Human Services but even those make me pay some of that cost (which I do NOT mind doing, so don't think I do) but that's still 25K per year per girl.. (50K of my salary a year goes to just their education needs) doesn't leave a lot left over for discretionary spending, so I have not been to a movie in 10 years, on vacation in close to 13, or anywhere outside of work or necessary travel in close to 12.. I do not buy things "new" my computer, even though it's an Apple (and I see people say if you can afford that you aren't doing bad) was part of the girls AT (Assistive Tech) blockgrant, which let me buy one for myself at around the same cost of a PC, and since I prefer OSX, well..

But back to the rant..

I can't feel sorry for anyone anymore, and it's bugging me, I have always felt sorry for the other guy, I have enough on my plate, yes, but I have always helped when I could, or at least offered moral support... And don't get me started on the bashing the families that lost kids at Sandy Hook, my gods, if I see one more person screaming fake, or actors I'm going to scream bloody murder.. I had to help tell these parents what happened, i saw the crushed looks on their faces, none of them, NONE OF THEM, were actors hired just to make all of us give up our guns... so I Just can't anymore and I wonder:

Does that really make me a horrible person? Or Am i just finally folding under the weight of everything going on?

You aren't a bad person.
You are just struggling under the pressure...as many are.
It takes a lot of inner strength and determination to overcome it, and a relapse can happen within a minute.

I don't know your position but I will always be here if you need someone to vent towards.
You can U2U me anytime, and I'll be cool about it and it will stay private.

I care about you.

reply to post by vkey08


Wanted to post and say thanks for being brave and writing..." I get it", and no, I don't think you're a bad person...just human. That can be a hard thing to fully realize sometimes. I dont want to negate what you're going through at all, I only think the individual particular circumstances don't make much difference, this just happens to people..especially people who really do give of themselves. I can only compare it to what I know...and I went through a long time being extremely bitter and experienced this absence of compassion too, even though I never once recall ever 'expecting' anything in return for the things I did either. I figured at the time I must have had 'compassion fatigue'...deep inside it, it even felt, like my inner 'stuff' or spirit had run off. I was pretty miserable and felt and thought things Id never felt or thought before while I was in 'it'....had no motivation or really, anything left inside to move myself..after caring all my life I just 'gave up' care period...it wasn't really a choice though..more a last defiant act of self preservation.

Don't beat on yourself for it eh? I know its hard but try not to judge yourself or it either..judge others all you like in your head if it helps..just do what you have to do to get through the day and hang in until you can let go of it...maybe this is your time for releasing that stuff we keep silent when we do help others, stuff we don't even realize we think or we pick up.....maybe....I don't know...what I do know things began to get better when I just flat out let this just be there and focused on accepting myself "as is" in the moment, telling myself that " tomorrow" maybe different....I found out if you push it away or push it down it only gets bigger, lasts longer and if you dont, it does pass eventually. Even if you dont want it to at times.

Maybe its just natures way of balancing us out ya know? Shrugs.....something inside us on autopilot flipping the switch making sure we take time for just us..making sure we can be selfish for a time and let go the crud...I dont know really..all I know its slowly passing for me now and some days the sun even shines again..feeling begins to come back but differently, more maturely I think...and life is better now than it was in 'it' for sure. I'm really grateful today that I didn't act 'on' it....really really grateful for that. So hang in there eh..it will be ok.

I wont offer platitudes..will just sit down light a smoke and share a stoop for a bit.....IM if it gets too much.

cheers
Ro

reply to post by vkey08


Stresses come and it seems there's no end
My heart truly goes out to you my friend
Sitting here in complete contemplation
Wishing there was a free help station

Compassion comes and goes as the heart beats
Seeing no meaning in the faces we meet
Just sit and be still and center your heart
I know you will feel when it's right to start

You have the strength of a mighty dragon
Don't let this stress pull you down with the wagon
Lift your head and love the ones around
Spreading love has no bounds....

Idk... That just came outta my head just now...

I think you feeling no compassion is normal. I'm sorry to hear of everything that has been going on with you. I sure hope things get better. Take time for yourself. It seems to help...
Sending you positive vibes and love and hugs your way~~>>>
- nat

reply to post by vkey08


Don't feel bad....you are not alone and I guarantee you are a good person that does more than most. You deserve more care than most merely because of the type of person you are. You will get a break....it's well deserved and coming soon.

I stopped being compassionate towards anyone who can help themselves. If you have the ability to wake up, get out of bed and get dressed, all on your own with no help, I have little to no sympathy for you. Understand this, I am and always will be compassionate towards those who CAN'T help themselves, and who need others to dress them, or feed them, or read to them. Partially because I have a mentally handicapped family member, so it hits me right in the feels every time I deal with him.

But:
For all those people who are able bodied, and have a mind to do things on their own...
I have a large box in the corner of my house. It was full of f____s at one time.
Now, I am all out of f___s to give.


And that's no joke.

reply to post by vkey08

I do not buy things "new" my computer, even though it's an Apple (and I see people say if you can afford that you aren't doing bad

I know what you mean, this is unforgivable, some always trying to push the idea that if you are in a ('first world') nation, your poverty should still look like a flies-on-starved-corpses shanty, otherwise, one does not deserve to refer to one's "poverty", when they are CLUELESS that our modern stuff came from thrift stores, relatives, and garage sales. This sort of thing just boils my blood with the sheer injustice of it all.

reply to post by vkey08


You are absolutely not a horrible person. Not by any stretch of the imagination! I hope you never really consider that about yourself..even late at night when one has time to think and perhaps, too much time at that.

Times are hard, and they're being MADE harder by deliberate action or just incompetent lack of action in a dozen...perhaps a few dozen..different ways at any given time now, it seems. We're all suffering to some degree (or MOST of us are) and I think we're ALL actually starting to reach the same point. Some may have gotten there much sooner.

Collective emotional and psychological exhaustion and burn out to the perpetual state of national crisis..in one form or another...we've been subjected to now for what is going on 7 years at this point. It's enough to wear anyone down, and it is, for 10's of millions all over this land.

You're not horrible. You're human. Don't feel bad about being human. If you didn't react this way, your survival instincts would be broken and you'd probably be on a path to going postal instead of adjusting to live on, like we all have to in these very trying times.

Let's just hope we don't have many more years of this hardship and jumping from crisis to crisis without ever seeing a single one completed for response. That's really the worst, as you note in your message. They never FINISH fixing what breaks, but leave everything in half ass condition before moving on and playing like it's all done to put behind us. (sigh)

* We have a whole nation and leadership suffering ADHD..and it's tragic on a national scale.

I think you are just overwhelmed and have every right to be. Don't be hard on yourself, you have enough to deal with. HUGS!

My wife is a bank manager and deals with way to many hardship cases. They can't make their car payment this month so she looks at their checking account. Liquor store and discount tobacco store purchases every week, eating out five days a week, on and on. She can't muster much compassion anymore.
I should point out that she is the most kind hearted person I have ever met but the job beats it out of her. You are not alone in losing your compassion.

reply to post by vkey08


It sounds like you are burned out and who can blame you? All you want is a little helping hand. You see everyone else getting one except for you and now, you've become bitter. Why should people who refuse to get off their butts and work get the lion's share of gubment benefits when those who work hard and are struggling can't get squat? Why is it that big, rich, mega-banksters get continuous, huge, obscene bailouts from the FED while the cold-hearted SOBs in congress keep rolling back benefits for regular folks in need?

Everybody gets a bailout except the middle class and we have to work ourselves to the bone, day and night, with no breaks for vacations or any type of leisure just to keep afloat. If we take any time for ourselves or try to enjoy a movie or something like that, it creates a budget crisis and we suddenly find ourselves unable to pay our bills or get caught back up ever again. It must be nice to be able to print up unlimited amounts of money to pay your bills. Unfortunately, the people with this power are only interested in using it to save the super rich, the very ones who should be suffering because they are the ones who created the mess we are living in today.

We have a country moving towards apathy for their fellow man. Maybe this is a good thing because maybe next, we'll move along to fury towards the ones who made us this way. Only when the American people get really pissed off about what has happened to them and they realize who put us in this situation will any real change come about.

reply to post by Rosha


Your response saved me the time of typing my own response. The only thing I could add is I concur completely and am also currently in the same healing phase. It took 12 years for me to get here. I care about you all!

reply to post by vkey08


Hey man(woman?), whenever you come back around let us know how it's going.
I assume being able to vent helped a tad, it usually does.

You have a lot of stress though *as many of us do*.
Maybe if you want to gripe a little more you should?
I think you have earned the right to complain a bit more, if you feel the need.

I wrote a few little rants-complaints and yelled some in real life and I feel a lot better.
For some reason this weekend and early week has been really rough on a lot of people.

Sounds like a bit of PTSD to me. You have become hypervigilent to your own situation and have turned off emotions for extraneous/peripheral circumstances or people. You need to come to terms with all you have experienced, process it and sort through your feelings. Regroup.

Continuing to do battle over various issues/topics on the web is likely just a bit of distraction or denial and is just exhausting what little emotional and physical energy you have left. You need to heal first.

kosmicjack
Sounds like a bit of PTSD to me. You have become hypervigilent to your own situation and have turned off emotions for extraneous/peripheral circumstances or people. You need to come to terms with all you have experienced, process it and sort through your feelings. Regroup.

Continuing to do battle over various issues/topics on the web is likely just a bit of distraction or denial and is just exhausting what little emotional and physical energy you have left. You need to heal first.

Oh I'm the first person to admit that I suffer from PTSD, I remember letting Crakeur know that some time back when I went off on someone, and yes I do use forums sometimes as a distraction..

Healing takes time, and in my case will take years, a lot of personal demons to deal with..

Venting helps sometimes, god knows I do enough of it...

vkey08

Oh I'm the first person to admit that I suffer from PTSD, I remember letting Crakeur know that some time back when I went off on someone, and yes I do use forums sometimes as a distraction..

Healing takes time, and in my case will take years, a lot of personal demons to deal with..

Venting helps sometimes, god knows I do enough of it...

If it interests you, there are some sound articles about on PTSD and Mindfulness doing the rounds atm, I make use of A.C.T mindfulness myself and I've found it reduced my PTS symptoms about 60-70% and it has elongated time between episodes about the same percentage too. What used to hit me regular as clock work every 90 days or so, is now only happening once or twice a year. Best of all , most of the info is free and can be applied at home, is self led and for me, a better alternative to jumping on the MHI bandwagon. Good to see you post and know your doing ok.
cheers

Ro

reply to post by vkey08


You are definitely NOT a horrible person.
In fact you are probably a very kind, caring person.
You are burnt out hun ... you need a rest, a break, some time to recoup, to heal , R and R.
I hope you find it ,, I am sending you lots of good wishes.

Best wishes though and hope you find your balance again.

Re: The OP

I honestly feel like this is going to become the norm in the USA. A slow painful trudge back into a semi-dark ages period.

I have personally watched for th3 last 6-7 years, prices on things rising by 10% per year, many things 20% or even 50% sometimes (flat rate shipping). Things that affect me directly like rent, fuel, water, elec. obviously, plus al manner of raw mtaerials for manufacturing and shipping etc.

And they say inflation hovers around 4-4.5% Yet I can not think of anyone I know who today is earning 40% (10x4%) more than they were 10 years ago.... how is that???

Every single one of us is having to pay a larger and larger portion of what we make, just to stay afloat. It used to be your rent shouldn't be more than 20% of your monthly income.... haha I know FEW people who can still hit that target...

I was raised to save HALF of what I earn. Never been able to do that one ....

And it seems a real symptom of America's slow collapse is the longer and longer time it takes to recover from disasters. I live in South Florida and I can tell you first hand, it took a good 10years to recover from Hurricane Andrew, some things never did recover....

It feels like were plugging the leaks and bailing water out of a ship that's sinking faster than we can keep up. A few years ago I started to really think we need to just build a new ship.

reply to post by vkey08


vkey, i adore you. you can't be bad.

life can grind you down to a little nub, like a pencil sharpener. It can just do that to you.

bigfatfurrytexan
reply to post by vkey08

 

vkey, i adore you.

you can't be bad.

life can grind you down to a little nub, like a pencil sharpener. It can just do that to you.

Awe thanks BFFT means a lot....