Relationships and Seasons

This might not be the best place to put this, as it's not about anything romantic, but, since it is about platonic relationships and this is the relationship board, I guess I'll put this here. If it's in the wrong place, Mod's move it, please.

I recently was watching you-tube, and found a video blog about letting go of relationships that are not meant to be forever relationships and are only meant as season's of life relationships, and I found it spoke to me. I hold on to friends, ex's and y's (you know the ex's you look at and go "Why did I spend time with you?"), and even family with this white knuckled determination that would make Olympians shake their head. I need advice on how to let go.

There are people in my life, some toxic and some that I'm the toxic one, who would be better to let go, but I can't. I want to know how they are, if they are happy, and what's going on in their lives. I pray for them, worry about them, and do my best to not seek those who let me go, out.

Is there something wrong with me, that I can't just put them from my mind and move on? Why do they have to be in my daily thoughts?

reply to post by Silenceisalie


Perhaps surround yourself with positive people that bring out good interactions that you want? When you're focused on the positive friends your mind won't be so occupied with the negative.

I was the same way. That is until I moved very far away and they all forgot about me rather quickly. Now i don't make friends anymore.

reply to post by Silenceisalie


Oh boy...ok. Listen here. You have a common situation here with a more than simple answer. Ill address some things youve said here:

1. "...be better to let go, but I can't." (You CAN...but you ARENT letting go)

2. "I want to know how they are, if they are happy, and what's going on in their lives." (DO THEY want to know how YOU are? If YOURE happy? Do they wonder what's going on in YOUR life?)

3."I pray for them, worry about them..."(Thats great. Keep praying for us all...But are THEY worrying about YOU right now?)

4. "Is there something wrong with me, that I can't just put them from my mind and move on?" (No, there is nothing wrong with you except you cant seem to let go after theyve let go of you from their end).

5."Why do they have to be in my daily thoughts?"(Because you care, but you just wont let them GO!)

The ball game ends, the trip concludes, the meal is over, ice cream melts. Youve got to learn to let your ice cream melt. Sometime youll want another cone, in another place and in another flavor.

Why dwell, think, worry and concern yourself over something thats gone? You have to learn to do that as we all do with lovers, friends, schoolmates, ice cream flavors and favorite people.

Life is not about dwelling in the past, but looking to the future. Its natural. Theyve moved on...you should too. And dont look back...you'll be fine...

Peace! MS

Silenceisalie
This might not be the best place to put this, as it's not about anything romantic, but, since it is about platonic relationships and this is the relationship board, I guess I'll put this here. If it's in the wrong place, Mod's move it, please.

I recently was watching you-tube, and found a video blog about letting go of relationships that are not meant to be forever relationships and are only meant as season's of life relationships, and I found it spoke to me. I hold on to friends, ex's and y's (you know the ex's you look at and go "Why did I spend time with you?"), and even family with this white knuckled determination that would make Olympians shake their head. I need advice on how to let go.

There are people in my life, some toxic and some that I'm the toxic one, who would be better to let go, but I can't. I want to know how they are, if they are happy, and what's going on in their lives. I pray for them, worry about them, and do my best to not seek those who let me go, out.

Is there something wrong with me, that I can't just put them from my mind and move on? Why do they have to be in my daily thoughts?

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I understand these ideas and feelings.
There is something wrong if it is toxic, yes. Abusive, yes. One sided... yes.
We can watch videos, read inspirational or motivational quotes, get hounded by friends and family. But one thing I think, is that until you have crossed the invisible border, until you are ready and not one second before that, you will hold on.

I think there are times to fight for it, and times to move on without it. We can't always logically know, as emotions sometimes rule us depending on our nature. Some are ruled by the head, some the heart. And too, even if we know it is for the best, it's so hard to do it.
It isn't impossible, just sometimes brutally hard.

I have asked myself the same question at times. I have also been someone who has locked the door and thrown away the key. When I'm done, you won't be able to reach me. I am not particularly proud of the time that I felt I had to do this, as it did hurt some people. In my defense, it was for my sanity and preservation of heart. So I have been on both sides of the issue, I guess.

There are people who will never leave your thoughts. No matter how many years you have lived without them. It is such a lonely and painful feeling though to know the ones you care for and have tender thoughts of couldn't care less about you. That you are in it alone, so to speak.

Have you thought more on it since your original posting? Wondering if you have any more insight to it. As I understand your question.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted, life keeps me to busy to post here often.

Thank you all for your kind words. I have done some more thinking about this, and found very little comfort in the idea of letting go, as Mysterious Stranger suggested. I know things end. Everything ends eventually. I've recently let go of a longtime friendship, and though I don't speak to this person anymore (or have any interaction whatsoever), I find myself wondering all the time. I need to let go certain family, but, I guess I feel a sense of duty to hold on to them. After all, family is family. Occasionally, ex's and y's look me up and contact me, which always sends me into a tale spin. Not so much because I want them back, as I want to turn whatever romantic we had into a lasting friendship and that NEVER works (I end up getting used in some way or another).

It's just hard to walk away from someone you invested so much of your time and yourself into, and treat them like they died. I don't think I can ever get used to it.

Silenceisalie
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted, life keeps me to busy to post here often.

Thank you all for your kind words. I have done some more thinking about this, and found very little comfort in the idea of letting go, as Mysterious Stranger suggested. I know things end. Everything ends eventually. I've recently let go of a longtime friendship, and though I don't speak to this person anymore (or have any interaction whatsoever), I find myself wondering all the time. I need to let go certain family, but, I guess I feel a sense of duty to hold on to them. After all, family is family. Occasionally, ex's and y's look me up and contact me, which always sends me into a tale spin. Not so much because I want them back, as I want to turn whatever romantic we had into a lasting friendship and that NEVER works (I end up getting used in some way or another).

It's just hard to walk away from someone you invested so much of your time and yourself into, and treat them like they died. I don't think I can ever get used to it.

I would wonder about anyone who does find comfort in letting go, even when they know they should. So I wouldn't feel bad about that.
You say "Everything ends eventually," and many times it does. Certainly this very life is not permanent. I really do understand your feelings, as I have also in the past felt simply that 'everybody leaves.'

One of the greatest struggles we have with ourselves, in my opinion, is giving our trust to another person. You trust them not to shatter your heart and your world, you trust that they understand you in that ultimate way, trust that they won't use what they know about you to hurt you at some point, trust them to love you enough to never leave...

I have heard that relationships - whether romantic or platonic, go through that 7 to 10 year cycle of change. In other words, how long does it take for someone to get sick of you? haha They say it is about 7 years.

Here is something I read: Half of Your Friends Lost in 7 Years

There was also some research done by the Dutch Organization for Scientific Research that posits that just as our bodies 'turn over' so then our emotional and social aspects.

It is not to say that all relationships must do this. As it truly is, not only individual choice but the dynamics of the relationship. But it basically speaks to wondering about why some relationships end.

Take heart however, as they say that certain relationships--although going through the expected and normal changes that ocurr in long term relationships--do not end, but rather morph into deeper and significant unions.

I for one, most definitely hope to count on that, and try not to let the 7 Year Itch theory destroy my trust and hope. haha

In saying all this however, as long as a relationship is healthy, and both parties feel the desire to keep the relationship, there is work involved and both must have the desire to do the work. Two people can change within a relationship and not go opposite directions. It depends on how you feel about the other person. Both must have the desire, or one of them eventually leaves. Mutual desire, to not only allow each other to change in some ways, but also the ability to both adapt to their change, and accept that we may find ourselves changing to their ways as well.

I am a person who chooses very carefully whom I connect with, though it was not always so.
But for the very fact that energy and emotion is precious, and should not be expended upon every human being we come in contact with. It is simply not healthy for your own state of mind to get lost in the universe of everyone in your life. Even family members, as sometimes they are neither worth your devotion nor in some instances, is this healthy for your psyche.

It doesn't help you in the pain of feeling sorrow at the loss of your relationships or the need to never let go. But maybe trust your soul's instincts, your subconscious mind a little bit. Trust that they only have your best interest at heart and that those who should come and stay will, but those who are not good for your soul and psyche will leave. Love them, think of them. But do not get lost in the temporary universe of them. Your soul really does know best.

Now, tell me again how we should trust our soul? I sometimes question it myself! Ah, to be human. What a heartache.