I guess I have my answer, time to just grin and bear it.

A few of you have read my other threads on this matter but it seems like I have finally learned for sure what was going on. I hadn't been able to speak to her for a few days but was able to go to her house to find that she has a guy moved in with her. He's a nice guy, I have no hard feelings toward him, but I can't help but being pissed off at her for leading me on. It had seemed like we had something going on. We'd spent a lot of time together and for once It looked like things may start working in my favor. In fact. We'd slept together only 4 days before him and her got together. Should I tell him about that? I don't think he knows anything about it, but I don't know if it matters or not. Part of me wants to do it out of spite for her, but that's not the right reason to do anything.

It's a bit hard to swallow all the same. Being led on by a close friend like that and then not even getting an apology. I don't really know what to do here. All evidence points to me just being the fallback until greener pastures were found. What should I do? I promise that I've done nothing to deserve any of this. The worst part of it all is how happy she is. Why couldn't I make her happy? Why do I constantly get used and thrown away?

Guess I'll just grin and bear it like always.

reply to post by dave_welch


Dave, like many people these days it seems you are wanting to feel complete by joining with another person. As if in some way you are not a whole person without that joining.

This is an Incorrect Perception Dave. It leads people to experience many hardships and hurtful times.

The alternative is to work on fulfilling yourself, making yourself a Whole Person. Do that and you will find yourself meeting more whole people, and from there you will meet someone to join with, without the Dependancy of normal relationships.

What you wrote about is very normal. Women upgrade, according to their own perception of what an upgrade is. That much we know is natural. Many women will keep one guy on a string until they have the next one hooked. It is a safety net for them, the people who feel half-empty on their own.

You have choices Dave, play the Game, or do not enter the field. Stay perceiving yourself as only half a person without a partner, and get on with fulfilling Yourself.

reply to post by Oldie


That's all well and good, but you've pretty much said a whole lot of nothing there while making it seem okay to lead someone on.

ETA: Just realized that I sounded like an @sshole there, sorry about that. Just tired of hearing a lot of nothing disguised as something.

reply to post by dave_welch


Agree with Oldie. Love thyself. You'll never get hurt again.
=Fact

dave_welch
reply to post by Oldie

 

That's all well and good, but you've pretty much said a whole lot of nothing there while making it seem okay to lead someone on.

ETA: Just realized that I sounded like an @sshole there, sorry about that. Just tired of hearing a lot of nothing disguised as something.

Dave, while the wounds are raw it will be harder to see outside your pain.

You suffered in that relationship because you Believe you need someone to make you feel whole. This belief makes people do things we would not do if our mind was clear at the time.

You choose, are you a Victim, or are you a Whole Person ?

What's the difference ? You've experienced being one of those things, now try the other!

reply to post by Oldie


That's not what I believe at all. However, it's much nicer to be with someone than it is to be alone.

It has nothing to do with being a whole or half-person or whatever you call it. It has to do with right and wrong and things you should never do to close friends and you seem to think it has to do with me not thinking I'm whole? What does that even mean?

reply to post by dave_welch


Well, this probably isn't going to help either, but here goes.
While what she did was wrong, no argument there, maybe it was a case of what the heart wants?
Unfortunately, this happens with both men and women. My husband was dating a girl, and when he found out I was single, he immediately pursued me. He never even called her to tell her he was breaking up with her. I didn't know until later, and told him how wrong it was.
But we just had something, from the first time we met. 18 years later it is still there.

It doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with you.
I hope this is the case, as oppose to her just being cold hearted.

Oldie is right.

Work on you.

Do what you like. Live every day to the fullest.

A relationship should be two people that don't need someone else.
But two people who when together their life is even better.

reply to post by dave_welch


Dave...

Listen man, a relationship is only possible between two people, when both of them are open to one another. This is because, only in this way can two people synchronise, be a part of one another's lives to a significant enough degree to consider their connection deeper than that shared between the other players in the theatre of life.

The downside is that in order to open up to someone, you have to have no defence what so ever. Around a person worthy of your attention, a person must be able to drop their guard entirely, and it is THIS which means that it is those you love the most who are most able to hurt you, and the same goes for you toward them, if they are an equal part of the relationship. That is why relationships have to be based on trust. Without it, there can be no assurance that ones significant other will not turn on one, and cause one great pain.

That the woman you were involved with decided to hurt you is horrible, but the fact that she was able to means is that you were fully prepared to commit, which for many is more than half the battle. It is a great shame that you are in pain, and I wish you all the emotional healing that you can acquire.

But please remember, that you didn't get hurt because you did something wrong. You got hurt because the object of your affection was not as open and honest as you were about how she felt, was not worthy of the trust you placed in her.

Keep your chin up dude.

reply to post by dave_welch


I am a big believer in that things happen for a reason. It is sad what she did to you, but now you know what kind of person to avoid in the future. The right person is out there for you, and they will come. Be patient, and ask for it. But do not give up, there are a lot more out there!

First after following your various threads on this matter for sometime, I must say i am kind of appalled. You want to tell this other guy you had sex 4 days before he got with her? Really? What are you 10? Leave it be you played your hand and lost accept it. In fact the only reason this is hard on you is because of you. You seem like a nice enough guy and you have obviously been burned so I am gonna tell you this as a woman. Stop listening to what they are telling you and pay attention to what your romantic interests are doing.

The problem with nice guys. They sit and listen to us complain about the men in our lives and then sit in the shadows and wait for them to screw up and try to take advantage of it. Then they go about not doing all the things that they know we didn't like. Yes it is sweet at first, then it quickly becomes boring. The woman in question probably does have lukewarm feelings for you or at least had. But you put her on a pedestal when what she really needed and wanted was passion. There is a reason opposites attract, because it is inevitable there will be conflict. Conflict creates passion. We are not pieces of china it is ok to disappoint, unintentionally hurt, annoy and have a life outside of us. It is a large part of what keeps us interested. The so called "bad boys" understand this and use a juiced up interpretation of this, not realizing that it too eventually gets old.


Women will never choose to be with a guy that they believe has chosen them first.
A woman's job is to try and take control of the relationship, It is a mans job to never let her.

Do yourself a favor and read a few romance novels. There are reasons that they are billion dollar industry. Hell even watch Empire Strikes Back and study the Han and Leia dynamic, and figure out why Luke lost (outside of the icky incest angle).

reply to post by dave_welch


I'd say just move on. I've been single about 8 months. My ex started xheatinf ( something she was apparently prone to) and before the end started cheating with a giy while seeing me, and then after we were split was still hooking up. I consideres telling him out of spite (he wasn't innocent in this as he was a friend prior), but it wouldn't have changed anything and it spares me one more painful interaction. After bringing her stuff a month or so later she said she was marrying this guy afyer 2 months though wed been together for 2 years.. I belueve that was her playing games. Dont know as I haven't spoken to her since. I figuee its better to just let our former partners ipl fated relationships meet natural and satisfting ends. I know the guy she got with (never had a job, license, and lives at home - where we were saving dor a place togetger) and considering their relationship started in infidelity and he was the first guy who gave her attention while she was already in a relationship, I can't imagine it will be the relationship she thinks. My bad for dating an attractive but ditzy 20 year old (I was 25)..

Your best move is probably the same as mine. Let that go and get yourself centered. Find someone else.

reply to post by KeliOnyx


It definitely depends on the girl. My ex hsd a propensity to manipulate and play games. I would be there when she was upset, it wouldn't help. If she said leave me alone I'd do that instead then I'd hear about how my leaving when she said leave meant I disnt care. I would simply say "say what you mean and I will so my best to do it." I never unserstand the tests and I'm a pretty good guy in relationships. Could be who I choose to be in them withbi guess.

This girl had legit issues though (not even being mysoginistic) and I don't say that about all girls I date before that's implied. I take a lot of time alone rather then friend time (never cheated never intend to always honest) but if ahe caught wind I wasn't seeing her one night then she became upset and then I was an ass for not seeing her when she was upset despite her being upset only because I wasn't seeing her.

Sorry for the inarticulate rant.

reply to post by KeliOnyx


I'm not going to tell him, I only thought that A. maybe he should know what he's getting into because he's not a bad guy and B. I kinda wanted to get back at her. But, in the end there's no point to that.

I understand what you're saying about nice guys. However, she made all the moves. I was just there as a friend at first. She'd just gotten out of an abusive relationship and even said that she didn't want to date anyone just yet. Then 3 days after she said that, she wants to have sex. I, thinking that she changed her mind, went through with it. The next day, everything is cool, we're getting along good, I even came over after work and hung out for a while and she keeps saying things like "You do X, that's why I like you." and keeps flirting with me and such. Then, a couple of days later she keeps telling me that I can't stay very long that day, so I leave. I can take a hint. Now she's moved in with this guy.

Oh well, I'm done with it.

reply to post by GogoVicMorrow


I know what you mean, man. If women would say what they really want, it would make it much easier for the rest of us. Unfortunately, as Jack Nicholson said in that one movie "How do I write women so well? I picture a man, then take away all logic and reason.". That is spot on right there.

reply to post by GogoVicMorrow


Well im speaking in normal terms. There are men and women out there that have severe problems that no amount of understanding how attraction and love work can ever really help.

Dave, all I can really offer you is once a man gets in the friends zone, he normally isnt coming out of it. Even when there is sex involved. She probably did use you a little bit to build herself up because you are "safe" for her. but really don't stress over it. Write it off as a bad situation for everyone involved and move on. I know it is difficult but it is just how it is.

reply to post by dave_welch

Its a general thing dude. If you are lead on or have to play the love games she is leading you on, for females its instinctual, there modus operandi they could not change it even if they wanted to. A majority of the fault lies with you. And you should have known what she was about from the beginning and should have avoided it. Bu I suppose it is to be expected.

Listen to oldie he is right, and females do keep em on strings till somebody better comes along. And I quote his reply..."Many women will keep one guy on a string until they have the next one hooked. It is a safety net for them, the people who feel half-empty on their own"

Go to any hookup site and you will see them, # even on relationship sites you find lots of them who are like. "oh moving to so and so city next month need a guy to show me around and take me to sites around town, I like this and such and that yada yada" Some of them are not even hiding there just looking for somebody to romance them, take them out on a nice dinner, sweep them up there feet, # them and see ya, bye bye the next day. And next week they would find some other guy, but hey at least there open about such things and straight forward as they state it clearly on the profiles, in fact they complain that they get to many guys looking for relationships. Freaking hilarious no?

No joke! when I tried the whole online dating a year or so ago I would run into such profiles, albeit if not a whole lot, but they were proliferate especially the ones who were not even in town but were looking for people in those towns only because they were moving there. And then probably only because they needed somebody to help them move there stuff and did not want to hire any movers.

So ya dude, dont take any of that stuff serious. For females or anybody really but females especially the whole love thing, and leading on thing its an art, a way of life, most of them are just users, and you know them by default if you keep an eye out. I will give you a hint there usually the ones who are always come around when something has gone wrong for them, or they need something from you, but are nowhere to to be seen when you need something.

You should ask yourself this question...What the hell would you want to be with this person to begin with anyways? She found somebody else and you should count yourself lucky. So no! Don't bother telling her or the new guy anything if you can avoid it. And also see to it that your not around in the next few months, or year, because its likely that this game will repeat itself when they break up.

reply to post by dave_welch

Man I hear you. I just spent the last 3 months getting to know someone well, he gave me little gifts and did things for me and me for him. TONS more than that but i dont want to get into writing a novel.
all i can say is that i stopped dating and anything since 2002, yes 02, cuz i was tired of being hurt and used. the whole 'nice guy til they get some even months down the road and then leave. see ya babe it was fun.'

i finally met someone who was amazing, kind, wanted me for me - I texted him last night asking when he'd be at his home after work and i got a text back saying he's w/ his ex (but called her his gf) and said she hates me texting him and he asked her to marry him and he wants to keep her.

>_> they broke up a long while ago and yeah.
i still say she got the phone and did a jealousy hate text cuz it was VERY uncharacteristic of him in too many ways. He'd never harm a fly. The reason he was with her is because her daughter went into hospital to be induced and he'd promised months ago to take her. Kudos for keeping a promise, seriously. Aint the daughter's fault.

still it has me upset if he DID send it, that after 12 years i put my self exiled dating to the side and bam, get hurt and used again. I'll just go back to my 'asexual' life and keep my hand as my lover. in 12 years it never hurt me. screw relationships. aint worth it.
I wont make the mistake of trying again. So i know how you feel. trust me there. People can be rotten.

I do hope when I talk to him next he definitely knew nothing about it.
If so, 3 words come to mind but I'll put them elegantly:
she can perform intimate acts upon herself in a most hateful of ways.

dave_welch
reply to post by KeliOnyx

 

I understand what you're saying about nice guys. However, she made all the moves. I was just there as a friend at first. She'd just gotten out of an abusive relationship and even said that she didn't want to date anyone just yet. Then 3 days after she said that, she wants to have sex. I, thinking that she changed her mind, went through with it. The next day, everything is cool, we're getting along good, I even came over after work and hung out for a while and she keeps saying things like "You do X, that's why I like you." and keeps flirting with me and such. Then, a couple of days later she keeps telling me that I can't stay very long that day, so I leave. I can take a hint. Now she's moved in with this guy.

The way I read this the relationship you had lasted less than a week.

0. She's in a relationship for however long. It isn't you (Day -1+)
1. She's just out of an abusive relationship (read: rebound! Day = 0)
2. 3 days after she said that she wanted sex (Day = 3)
3. The next day everything is cool, flirts, you came over (Day +4)
4. Couple of days later she says you can't stay, you leave (Day +6)
5. Then she moves in with a guy (Day +?)

Now maybe I didn't get that right, but I present your own quote as a reference here. That's what you said. For anyone coming upon this situation fresh, that's what they have. Care to clarify?

dave_welch
reply to post by Oldie

 

That's not what I believe at all. However, it's much nicer to be with someone than it is to be alone.

Hmmmn.... It can also be nicer to be alone, than to be with someone who is just

killing time and using you!?


I have read your threads and reading between the lines, I got the impression you were

like some people I know ( male and female) who don't hear what is actually

being said.

Intonations and 'body language' can give the same conversation a totally

different meaning.

eg.>>> you said she said "I love you for the things you do for me."

She didn't say "I would love you even if you didn't do all those nice things for

me " with a warmth and passion that could not be mistaken?


There is such a thing as being too nice! which makes for being walked

over. There's something to be said (and applies to both sexes) for not being

too easy!