Making sense of this sad world.

I'm a 26 year-old male. I was born and bred down under in Australia. I was raised in a very religious Pentecostal Cult. I suffered years of sexual abuse, and humiliation at the hands of church elders. Unfortunately I was not alone, in this many of the other children I grew up with also suffered the same fate. We lived out in the bush, away from society, home-schooled to keep us away from the "evil" of this world. Ironic isn't it

At the age of 16 I told my parents I had enough, I was leaving this was massive for them, the rules are once you leave all contact is terminated, faced with this and a few other happenings. my parents decided to take our whole family away from the situation. My whole world was turned upside down, everything I knew, everything I had been taught was false. It took years for myself, to overcome the mental barriers that had been built up. I needed an escape so I joined the Army as an infantry soldier in 2007. I was very motivated, and keen to do something that mattered, I wanted the serve my country and do my part for this world.

Fast forward it's 2009 I am on my very first foot patrol in Afghanistan, I am feeling pumped, excited, nervous.. all at the same time. Its finally happened, I am doing something that matters, I am making something of my life. It only took a few months to realize once again I have been lied too, I'm loosing mates, my brothers are giving their lives, limbs,hearts, and minds.. for what ? A better control of the Afghan poppy fields.

2010 I am back in Australia I have been diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and anxiety. I am an absolute wreck, There is no doubt about this. The Army doctors throw me a box of valium, and tell me to "stay out of trouble" It doesn't take long for the devil to grab hold of me. I am DR shopping, in Australia and online. I am taking up to a box of valium a day. The devil grabs me harder, and I find myself crushing those lil poison pills up, and shooting them straight into my vein. The valium doesn't cut it, and now I am using, and abusing every illicit substance under the sun, anything that will soothe my pain, and close my mind down.

Late 2010, I am arrested with enough stuff to land me at least a two year stint in jail, word gets back to my parents, they bail me, and together we drop $68,000 on lawyers, and one of the best barristers in the country. I receive a two year probation on the fact I've served my country and I am obviously not in a good way.


I have six months left on my probation, I have been clean for almost two years, I attend Psych appointments, and have been for almost two years. I have a good job in the mining industry . I still struggle daily with my PTSD, and addiction.


I am still lost, I have no idea where to go now, I am fed up with the symptoms of my PTSD, the nightmares not feeling safe in public, I still flip out I still have anger problems.

I do my absolute best to manage this, Mediation helps as does AP.


I don't know where to go what to do. I feel as though I am existing merely to exist. I have no purpose, no goal, I have cut everyone away since being arrested, and now I have a complete distrust in people in general. I am completely disgusted with this world, and the way it is managed and run. I have no drive to do anything, I have no desire to live in this world, and I HATE feeling this way.

I want my passion back ! I want a desire for life. I want a purpose for being here, and to somehow make a difference.


I just have no idea where to even begin to look.


Namaste
~sacri~

Breath deep and give thanks for a life less ordinary.

We all have our tribulations. Take comfort in the fact that you have taken control of your destiny.
You got you to this point, you will get you to the next point.

Chin up brother, we go through this together, and nobody gets out alive.
Take a moment to wonder at the beauty, a moment to cry at the absurdity,
then pick yourself up and do it again tomorrow.

tanda7
Breath deep and give thanks for a life less ordinary.

We all have our tribulations. Take comfort in the fact that you have taken control of your destiny.
You got you to this point, you will get you to the next point.

Chin up brother, we go through this together, and nobody gets out alive.
Take a moment to wonder at the beauty, a moment to cry at the absurdity,
then pick yourself up and do it again tomorrow.

Considering what some people go through, and the hand they have been dealt, my life would easily be considered a walk in the park.. Which is why I don't ever complain to people as I feel as though I have no right to do so.

I don't feel as though I have taken control.. and I don't like slipping into these holes as I believe I will only attract more holes to fall into.


I long too be someone that matters. I want to look back on my life and know that I made something, a difference. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I first joined the army, leading up to my training for deployment. That feeling of I am actually helping to shape this world into a better, safer, more loving place for humanity so we can advance as a race together on this earth. Oh how wrong I was.

reply to post by Sacri

I long too be someone that matters. I want to look back on my life and know that I made something, a difference.

You exist, you have the power to act.
Of course you matter, whether or not you will make a difference is yet to be seen.

Life has little patience for sob stories and excuses.
You obviously have the power and discernment to know the value of personal input.
Take control.
We are counting on you.

reply to post by Sacri


Whatever you do, stay away from all alcohol.

You will have a lot of people that will tell you that there's so much to live for. People are so wonderful, the world is full of such wonders, everything is ...blah blah.

You've heard it all.

What it boils down to is that you need to greatly lower your expectations of people and life in general. If you don't, you will continue to feel let down and lost. Once you're able to let go of the fact that things aren't that amazing, which they just aren't, you can find your own level of happiness.

People are generally very stupid and have no idea what's going on in the world. That doesn't stop them from forming strong opinions and then shoving them down everyone else's throats. You have probably seen more at your age than most 50 year olds. Lo and behold though you will still have 50 years olds tell you how it is and should be because their grey hairs promote them to the status of guru saint extraordinare.

Just let it go.

I have had so many things happen to me in my life and I felt like you. I was on track to becoming a big player in finance world when I had multiple horrible life events that completely knocked me off my feet. Between being homeless, having no family, alcohol addiction, the list goes on I was able to lower my expectations of this reality. The reality is that it's a big machine and we are all screws that are used and controlled by some hand that pulls the lever. We will never realize anything because to do so would mean the majority of people would need to wake up.

That's where your lowered expectations come in.

Life is at the end of the day, what happiness is.

Good sex(might not be that good for you considering your background), good food, good music, hard work, coffee in the morning, building crap.

If you haven't started building crap as a hobby, start. That's my two cents and good luck.

My dear Sacri - you do matter. You haven't had a chance to find yourself, build a life that's just for you. You started off with abuse and distrust and pain. You joined a force believing in the good you would do and realized you were just a pawn. What an utter crushing realization. I honor those who serve our countrie(s). And I thank them. Unfortunately they are expendable and fight the battle that the big monkeys plan - and maybe it helps here and there but for the most part it's a chess piece to the big players.
Now you have to live for you. Find what makes you happy. YOu can still do good, even if in small ways: volunteer at a food bank, with the homeless, reading to the blind, walking dogs at your local spca - this would be a fantastic way to connect with another living creature that doesn't have ulterior motives and that doesn't play mind games. Start off small, see how you do and then maybe go bigger.
For now find those things that help calm you. I find that when I go into the woods I come back renewed. It's like my soul has been refilled and restored. I can only speak from my own Christian beliefs but find those passages that offer comfort to people in trying times and read them before bed. A good exercise program to relieve the pent up anger and frustration in your body will release good endorphins and elminate the toxins that build up. It also relaxes. A good hot bath before bed. Find a place with water - this too is calming to the soul.
And yes, find a hobby. A hobby is something that you enjoy doing no matter how hokey it might seem - if you lose yourself in it then just go ahead and enjoy it. Who knows where this will lead.
And I hear you. Some days this world is just too much and my mind won't stop spinning and it almost hurts, the thoughts are so busy and if you can find a way to calm the negative emotions and to feel peace then use whatever it might be. I have found when I lay in bed and I just can't shut my mind off to jam my thumb over my nose, on my forehead, and it's like the pressure of the physical feeling is what my mind focuses on instead of the thoughts. A hot water bottle will work the same way.
Praying for you and thinking of you. We're here for you. Hugs bro. You are not weak - you are merely sharing your thoughts and questions. We are all struggling with issues of our own. Thank you for opening yourself up. xox

One day, I asked myself "Self, when you/I are on our/your deathbed, what do you want to look back on?" I came to very similar answers as yourself. Basically, vague concepts and ideals. It took a while, but I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to start actual walking towards those goals if I ever wanted to have a chance of reaching them. I needed a plan of action!

I started by considering my strengths, areas where my unique input may be able to make the most impact. I became educated in many of these areas. I also took into account where my passions were. What was I most likely to continue to pursue even through inevitable hardship? Which one was closest to being achieved?

And then the most important part.. I started taking the steps towards creating the experience I wanted to look back on. I started to actively participate in creating ways that I, with my individual talents, could not only help myself and loved ones, but the entire world. I also began to understanding that changing the "entire world," also included if I only succeeded in bringing beauty into the lives of myself and loved ones. I figured that it would have to start there anyway! And even if that is all I ever accomplished, I could take my last breath with pride, honor, respect, and a whole lot of Love.

We all have our uniqueness, and even if it only plays into how we interact with those directly around us.. making a child smile, a dog wags its tail, or allowing someone hurt to feel a little compassion and Love... If that is all I accomplish, then I will be happy.

I can only speak for myself, so perhaps my own experience is, or is not, relevant to your own. Regardless, I think that many of us go through something similar and perhaps seeing how another looks at it helps to see the bigger picture. Even if that bigger picture is just becoming a better person day by day, step by step.

In doing so, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will have changed the world.

Now, how do you want to change it?

Where will you plant your feet for the first steps of a journey made up of millions of steps?

You can do it, no questions about that. And perhaps the path that you blaze will make it easier for another somewhere down the line, as the path that our footsteps create echoes in eternity.

You have been through a lot so it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Take one day at a time. That's what I did when I had cancer and that's what I do now being disabled with chronic pain. Try to find diversions like a great book or movie. Try to find a good friend you can trust and spend some time with. Maybe spend some time out in nature or doing a hobby you enjoy.

You have people here who genuinely care and can be here for you as best we can. As I always say, life can be full of changes and challenges and sometimes we get overwhelmed by them. Know that you are never truly alone. Hugs!

And one to make you laugh

reply to post by Sacri


Sorry to hear all that you have been through. You seem like a really strong, resilient person that has been affected badly by external circumstances that were out of your control. Use those attributes to effect positive change in your life as best you can.

I thank everyone for their kind words, and encouragement. It's a nice reminder seeing people from all walks of life taking time to send their thoughts, and well wishes.


A hobby is something I should look at, I realized all my hobbies, are more sports. I enjoy surfing, kite surfing, I play ice-hockey, and train weights at the gym, along with martial arts. I have always excelled in physical areas, thought it's clear I am not channeling any creativity.

I have also been tossing with the idea of going to University next year to study Paramedics, well now my application is, and my paperwork has been sent off. The idea, and the satisfaction I believe I would receive from helping others is the main catalyst that drew me too that area of study.

Namaste
~sacri~

Sounds awesome! Let us know if you hear back from them.

reply to post by Sacri

...now my application is, and my paperwork has been sent off. The idea, and the satisfaction I believe I would receive from helping others is the main catalyst that drew me too that area of study.

There is the bad-ass I thought I detected.
Keep your focus just above the horizon. I sense you have much to offer. Please feel free to message me anytime.
One day perhaps you will help us all. Your experiences give you an insight. Carry on young man. We need more like you.