Happily divorced! IS MARRIAGE REALLY WORTH IT??

usernameconspiracy
Depends on you. If you have the mindset that it wouldn't work, then it won't work no matter what. My first marriage was not very good. Some good memories, but not a healthy relationship overall. Been married to second wife for seven years and it's completely different. Perfect relationship, really.

I bet you will know when the time comes.

And the right relationship isn't really difficult at all...regardless of whether it is a marriage or something else.

edit on 16-10-2013 by usernameconspiracy because: (no reason given)

I am glad that you found her and she found you! It does me good to know people are able to love like this!
Thank you

KeliOnyx
My divorce shattered my world. I didn't know if I ever would marry again but after a string of relationships that i knew wouldn't work out I look at my current bf sometimes and find myself thinking about it. I guess it depends entirely on the people involved.

That is true, I was too crushed by my divorce. My bf wants to marry me but I keep saying no, I'm not ready and the truth is I don't even know if I will ever be. Time is of the essence I guess.

reply to post by denyego26


This story made my day and I wanted to stand up and clap.

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU! You sound like you really get it. I always try to tell my friends when their loved one leaves them, 'Just watch. They WILL come back.' And they do.

When a man I once dated told me he wanted to go our separate ways I told him essentially the same thing you did- 'I'm sorry you feel that way and I wish you the best but know that one day you will wake up and realize you made a mistake. Be sure this is what you want because I won't come back.' He was sure so that was that- we ended things. Six weeks go by and my pager goes off (this was in the 90's! LOL!) and guess who it was and what they wanted? LOL! But I was long gone.

Women like you make me proud.

Sounds like you're really getting your stuff together with school and what not, too. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Now to answer your question- marriage can be our worst nightmare or our best wish come true. It just depends on the match. Sounds like you are happy with your new boyfriend. Right now I would continue to focus on YOU and see where it goes when you have reached your goals.

reply to post by denyego26


Emotions are powerful.
They can make you love or hate.

Every marriage is different. you can't compare one to the other.
But I will say one thing.

Without risk there is no reward.

I'm best man at a wedding tomorrow, which is funny, because you will NEVER see me tying the knot. It serves no purpose in the modern wold unless maybe, just maybe you're a female.

But the truth is, I don't think their are happily married people. The whole idea of marriage is wrong on so many levels, anyone who does is just setting themselves up for failure.

You take everything I said straight to the bank.

reply to post by denyego26


Marriage is just a word, a concept, but not prof of concept. You can call it an experiment in trial and error, mostly error though it seems. In all marriage is but a theory, one not fully conceived or thought out. Your story is actually quite common, yet believe you me if I would ask him what its all about.

Well lets just say the story would change, and its a common mistake to see yourself as either the victim or the innocent, some even see themselfs as the hero. Though in reality there were probably many signs that he was giving off over there years that said it was leading to this, and not only did you ignore them, but were likely completely ignorant to them, and the same could be said for him.

But hey everybody has there point of views, and everybody is entitled to them.

But if marriage bothers you dont do it, or do it at some other time when it does not bother you. People have been getting along for century's long before the whole marriage thing was conceived. But also people have not been getting along for those very same centuries before marriage was conceived.

reply to post by denyego26

Hello Denyago26:
*1st marriage-after 4 yr high school relationship, she-2 years older than I. 9 years later after several affairs (me...I know, I know...am not proud of that)...broke that one up by running away with the 17 year old neighbor when I was 29.
*2nd Marriage: Married the 17 year old neighbor when she turned 19-lasted 6 years.
*Last and current one: together 26 yrs-she is 10 years younger than I.

So, yes I know a couple things, and I accept all responsibility in all my actions. I was an extremely idiotic knuckle-head. But, Ive learned.....

Being that she's 10 yrs younger than me, the current wife? She'll live to dance on my grave..and my dog will pee on my headstone...

That is...if the wife BUYS me a headstone.....

Sorry, fell off topic...yes. Marriage really is a good thing. But, you have to work on it...

liquidsmoke206

But the truth is, I don't think their are happily married people. The whole idea of marriage is wrong on so many levels, anyone who does is just setting themselves up for failure.

You take everything I said straight to the bank.

Ah, good, good. Millions of happily married people prove you wrong every day, but it's cool if that works for you.

Where you go wrong is with your flawed logic that if marriage doesn't work for you, it must not work for ANYONE. That's just idiocy. I won't take your inability to form a lasting emotional relationship as truth I should "take to the bank" about human beings in general.

reply to post by usernameconspiracy


assumptions

trust me I've hashed this out with about a million other people. marriage makes no sense.

are there happily married people? sure, they're called newlyweds! LOL divorce rates are over 50% damn near everywhere, and just because a couple stays together does NOT MEAN THEY'RE HAPPY, I'd be willing to bet that only about 10-20% of married people actually like it. Maybe less. and no one can possibly enjoy it all the time.


You can get the truth out of em in confessional.....I hear it all.

Further more even if the idea of investing in a life partner does seem like a good idea, and even if you actually do like it, what's the point of making it a marriage? Why can't two people be together without it being a legal issue? In this sense the idea of marriage is the complete opposite of true love and devotion. Nothing says romance like courts and lawyers and legal documents, right?


face it, marriage is pointless. it needs to pack up and leave modern society alone. as progressive, confident, truly compassionate human beings I think society should demand a divorce from the very concept of marriage, which essentially a desperation move.

reply to post by liquidsmoke206

AshleyD
reply to post by denyego26

 

This story made my day and I wanted to stand up and clap.

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU! You sound like you really get it. I always try to tell my friends when their loved one leaves them, 'Just watch. They WILL come back.' And they do.

When a man I once dated told me he wanted to go our separate ways I told him essentially the same thing you did- 'I'm sorry you feel that way and I wish you the best but know that one day you will wake up and realize you made a mistake. Be sure this is what you want because I won't come back.' He was sure so that was that- we ended things. Six weeks go by and my pager goes off (this was in the 90's! LOL!) and guess who it was and what they wanted? LOL! But I was long gone.

Women like you make me proud.

Sounds like you're really getting your stuff together with school and what not, too. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Now to answer your question- marriage can be our worst nightmare or our best wish come true. It just depends on the match. Sounds like you are happy with your new boyfriend. Right now I would continue to focus on YOU and see where it goes when you have reached your goals.

I have been a wreck lately, having so much happening at the same time gets the best of me at times. Thank you very much for your words, glad to know you didn't look back either. We have to convince ourselves we are so worthy of good things, good treatment, good people!
No way to go back to an excuse of a man, excuse of a father!
Cheers!
-Denyego26

grey580
reply to post by denyego26

 

Emotions are powerful.
They can make you love or hate.

Every marriage is different. you can't compare one to the other.
But I will say one thing.

Without risk there is no reward.

If it was only me, risking would not be as scary. I have two young children who I refuse to put through another bad marriage or divorce. My soul is not one but three.
-Denyego26

liquidsmoke206
I'm best man at a wedding tomorrow, which is funny, because you will NEVER see me tying the knot. It serves no purpose in the modern wold unless maybe, just maybe you're a female.

But the truth is, I don't think their are happily married people. The whole idea of marriage is wrong on so many levels, anyone who does is just setting themselves up for failure.

You take everything I said straight to the bank.

So why are you part of this? Something you don't belive in...
Please do explain

It always depends on the individual situation, I've been married twice but this one is for good

reply to post by denyego26


I just showed up for the drinks and chicks!

Also to support my friends. They wanna get married so best of luck to em. I wouldn't do it, and I think they're crazy for doing it, but whatevs, maybe it'll work out for em.

yeahright
Know how you know when it's right? When you don't have to ask anyone else. If it's right, you'll know. If you have to ask anyone else, it's not right.

I would love to add onto this.. and I will! But, thats the real truth of the matter. The point of curiosity to me is; how often does such a thing really happen? I dont think its nearly as common as a marriage, which is an interesting disparity imo.

I always thought involving the government and legal contracts into something like a relationship is a strange process. People change over time, and sometimes in separate directions. You might get lucky in that you both grow in the same direction, but its simply not possible to tell the future in this way. Hindsight will make it pretty clear though, 20/20 even!

Some of the 'best advice' I've seen on ATS ... or heard in the last 50 years. If only my parents had known as much when I was growing up (sigh).

yeahright

The following is my opinion as a member participating in this discussion.

Advice I've given hundreds of times.

Know how you know when it's right? When you don't have to ask anyone else. If it's right, you'll know. If you have to ask anyone else, it's not right.

Because it's about YOU. No one can tell anyone else what the right thing for them is.

And a corollary to that.

You know all that 'marriage is 50-50' stuff? Bunk. It's the complete antithesis of 50-50.

Sometimes it's 90-10, sometimes it's 100-0. If you're even thinking about keeping that sort of score, then don't go anywhere near marriage. You better be ready for it to be 100-0 not in your favor, for as long as it takes and be thankful for the opportunity. If you can't look at the other person and know in your heart you're ready for that, then move on.

Thus endeth the lesson.

As an ATS Staff Member, I will not moderate in threads such as this where I have participated as a member.

To the OP: 30 years of walking the path lends proof to the quoted post.
To the other thread participants: Taking the vows is important in certain respects. Think about that for awhile. There are no negatives to being married ... unless you shouldn't have taken the vows in the first place. There are many of us who will never trust you ... EVER ... if you break your vows.

liquidsmoke206
I'm best man at a wedding tomorrow, which is funny, because you will NEVER see me tying the knot. It serves no purpose in the modern wold unless maybe, just maybe you're a female.

But the truth is, I don't think their are happily married people. The whole idea of marriage is wrong on so many levels, anyone who does is just setting themselves up for failure.

You take everything I said straight to the bank.

My grandparents just celebrated their 62 wedding anniversary when my grandfather died 2 years ago. My grandmother is just half a person now.

They even got married young, at 18. But they fit each other.

Its not that people are unhappy, it is that they don't know what they are doing. Marriage is HARD. It is the hardest thing in the world to do. ANd people fall into it having no clue.

IT is like having children. You can tell people about it, but they won't ever know until they experience it.

I think you will start seeing a reverse in the trend. People are waiting longer and longer to get married. They are discovering who they are, then getting hitched. And it is getting a better success rate.

The most important lesson that people need to learn is that your partner isn't perfect. they aren't going to make you happy, you need to learn to forgive. And then you will see a happy marriage when they figure that out.