help!

i,ve been with a girl 3 and a half years,she left someone else to be with me but if i,m honest if i knew how insecure she was i doubt it would have happened,i can,t talk to anyone without her thinking something else is going on,even people that i have known 10 years or longer before her i no longer talk to them cause i want to keep the peace.....can,t have a beer without trying to hide it cause she hates drink even tho before we got together she never indicated how much of a problem it was.

all my friends that use to visit i don,t see anymore,only friend that comes round now usually brings his daughter and cause she comes round to see her dad when hes here shes usually got friends with her and shes like what the hell are they doing here.i know myself that i have no life anymore but she left someone for me and the fact she done that i feel i have to stick it out cause i was just as guilty as her and shes also threatened if i leave her then she has no reason to live which i believe she may just carry out

i don,t know what to do,feel like i,m in a prison.someone got any advice?

reply to post by sparky31


Break up with her.

Any person who finds the need to constantly harass someone they are with is either A. Crazy or B. Cheating.

A woman is not worth losing your friends and family over. The longer you stay the more she will damage you mentally and hurt your relationships with other people.

It doesn't matter if you share an apartment or both have stuff there, leave it.

Sleeping on the floor is better than being with some nut job.

I had a girlfriend that was a lot like that in my younger days and I finally pulled the thorn after five years. I was sleeping on floor and had a broken window that she busted in but that was the happiest time of my life. Years later I found out she had been sleeping with every one of guy "friends".

Trust me on this.

reply to post by sparky31


DANG! If that's how you TRULY feel then suggest to her family and friends she needs help AFTER you set yourself free. After reading all that you got off your chest I felt like I was in prison and wanted to be free.

Just sayin'.

reply to post by sparky31


This is going to be surprisingly easy but try not to assume I'm just being flippant.

Firstly, blackmailing you with suicide is only useful to her if you react as she expects you to. I better response than "No please don't" is along the lines of "I'd be disappointed if you died, I do care about you, but, I can't really stop you if this is what you want." That tends to take the fuel out of their engine. As someone who's attempted suicide (yes I know, what a failure I am), this is also the truth. if she WANTS to kill herself, two things are true. One, she's not likely to warn you beforehand, that's just a very helpless way of saying "I'm hurting, lease, help me" and two, if she really intends to kill herself, she will find a time to do it, and you can't stop her.

So, once you train her off the emotional blackmail you might be able to work something out.

On the other hands, that sounds like a lot of work and you might be in a truly crap relationship. When you're in a relationship, you can't imagine being alone but just like a needle at the doctor's office, one sharp pain and it's all over. You might consider moving on and being alone for a bit. It's not as bad as it seems and once you're over it, find someone else, who lets you be you so they can be them.

Best of luck.

OrphanApology
reply to post by sparky31

 

Break up with her.

Any person who finds the need to constantly harass someone they are with is either A. Crazy or B. Cheating.

A woman is not worth losing your friends and family over. The longer you stay the more she will damage you mentally and hurt your relationships with other people.

It doesn't matter if you share an apartment or both have stuff there, leave it.

Sleeping on the floor is better than being with some nut job.

I had a girlfriend that was a lot like that in my younger days and I finally pulled the thorn after five years. I was sleeping on floor and had a broken window that she busted in but that was the happiest time of my life. Years later I found out she had been sleeping with every one of guy "friends".

Trust me on this.

luckly we don,t have place together cause i,ve always held back from that,tho she is trying for us to get house,i know i should walk but i feel guilty to do that,i know in heart there is no way i am going to move in with this woman but on other hand i feel guilt to walk cause i don,t want to hurt her.

reply to post by OrphanApology


yup... break up with her

Im usually for trying to work things out... but if you're with someone that doesn't let you be you...

it ain't worth it

Just my two cents

reply to post by sparky31


Relationships aren't built on guilt. If they aren't built on love and respect, they aren't worth enduring.

The whole her stating she's going to kill herself is emotional blackmail. On top of that it's emotional torture, she is using an extremely horrible action as a weapon to guilt you into enduring her BS.

In my relationship the girl I was with did the exact same thing. She took pills, one time even dramatically "jumped" out of window(of course, allowing me to grab her just in time) and a horde of other nonsense.

Finally I realized I had no friends. I had no life. My family had become distant and most importantly; I didn't want to spend the rest of my life not experiencing love.

So I broke up with her. She didn't kill herself, in fact she hopped into bed with about four different people around that time. Don't be sucked into the nonsense.

Break up with her and sever all contact. If you start feeling lonely, go out to a pub or join a amateur sports team. DO not continue contact with this woman.

Trust me on this.

I was in a bad marriage for 18 years so I know what you're talking about here.
You're miserable, she's miserable.
So what good is this relationship?
NONE.
Get out.
Now.
You are responsible only for YOU.
What she does is her responsibility and whatever she does is HER CHOICE.
End of story.
Waiting is wasting your life.
If she says she has no reason to live ask her if she was born with one.
If she didn't get it at birth I suppose she doesn't really need one.

reply to post by sparky31


To me, it sounds like she is borderline depressed because of self-esteem issues. It is less about not trusting you, and more about her own insecurities.

Try making her feel like you are head-over-heels in love with her, and see how she responds?

OrphanApology
reply to post by sparky31

 

Relationships aren't built on guilt. If they aren't built on love and respect, they aren't worth enduring.

The whole her stating she's going to kill herself is emotional blackmail. On top of that it's emotional torture, she is using an extremely horrible action as a weapon to guilt you into enduring her BS.

In my relationship the girl I was with did the exact same thing. She took pills, one time even dramatically "jumped" out of window(of course, allowing me to grab her just in time) and a horde of other nonsense.

Finally I realized I had no friends. I had no life. My family had become distant and most importantly; I didn't want to spend the rest of my life not experiencing love.

So I broke up with her. She didn't kill herself, in fact she hopped into bed with about four different people around that time. Don't be sucked into the nonsense.

Break up with her and sever all contact. If you start feeling lonely, go out to a pub or join a amateur sports team. DO not continue contact with this woman.

Trust me on this.

thats what i,ve realized,i have no friends anymore,all my friends stay away now cause if they appear then she gets pissed off,she is so insecure its scary,but as i say i feel guilty for anything cause she left someone for me.

Asktheanimals
I was in a bad marriage for 18 years so I know what you're talking about here.
You're miserable, she's miserable.
So what good is this relationship?
NONE.
Get out.
Now.
You are responsible only for YOU.
What she does is her responsibility and whatever she does is HER CHOICE.
End of story.
Waiting is wasting your life.
If she says she has no reason to live ask her if she was born with one.
If she didn't get it at birth I suppose she doesn't really need one.

Same here, 18 years of misery, but then she said marriage would make it all be ok, it got worse!
A couple of months after she'd gone I got home from work one day, put the key in the door, and realised....I didn't have to cringe at the thought of what was on the other side of the door! That was one of the best days of my life!

GET OUT NOW DUDE!! It aint worth the agro.

Bleeeeep
reply to post by sparky31

 

To me, it sounds like she is borderline depressed because of self-esteem issues. It is less about not trusting you, and more about her own insecurities.

Try making her feel like you are head-over-heels in love with her, and see how she responds?

i do that shes fine but unless its all about her then its not,its wearing me down trying to make out its just all about her all the time,you can only do that so much.

sparky31
i,ve been with a girl 3 and a half years,she left someone else to be with me but if i,m honest if i knew how insecure she was i doubt it would have happened,i can,t talk to anyone without her thinking something else is going on,even people that i have known 10 years or longer before her i no longer talk to them cause i want to keep the peace.....can,t have a beer without trying to hide it cause she hates drink even tho before we got together she never indicated how much of a problem it was.

all my friends that use to visit i don,t see anymore,only friend that comes round now usually brings his daughter and cause she comes round to see her dad when hes here shes usually got friends with her and shes like what the hell are they doing here.i know myself that i have no life anymore but she left someone for me and the fact she done that i feel i have to stick it out cause i was just as guilty as her and shes also threatened if i leave her then she has no reason to live which i believe she may just carry out

i don,t know what to do,feel like i,m in a prison.someone got any advice?

Honest answer....let it go. You are not happy, and she is controlling you. This is never good. If you can't be yourself with her, then no matter how much you might care for her, you will be miserable. You cannot have a good relationship if you are not happy. TRUE love, is when you find happiness in seeing the other person happy....not in trying to change them or control them.

The simple truth is that you will never be happy if you stay with her. Take it from one who wasted several years hoping someone would stop being controlling...it is NOT going to happen...it only gets worse. I hope you find someone who respects you and doesn't want to smother you. That is a sign of insecurity, and not likely to change.

aptrgangr
As someone who's attempted suicide (yes I know, what a failure I am)

Whoever told you that is a moron.

I really get angry when I hear people say that someone who has attempted, or thought about suicide is a failure.

Must be so wonderful living the brilliant life these special people live, so full of strength and drive that they can look down on those of us who have felt the absolute despair that they can find themselves in. Because they can exist in ignorance they expect everyone should and anyone who does not, is a failure.

If you thought of suicide, and are still here, that's god damned strength and success.

You only fail when you sit still and do nothing when you know what you need to do.

We all die... there is no prize for living the longest.

I saw a meme the other day and for once it made sense and was not mocking.

Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

If you're not living WITH someone as a Partner, then you're simply pretending. If you want to pretend, that's fine. but it's not a relationship. You're supporting her emotional state to the detrement of your own.

You need to make sure you are the first consideration in your life. not her. That isn't selfish or negative, either. It's simply nature.

Why be with someone that makes you miserable? For the sake of it? I'd rather be alone. Indeed, that's the story of my life.

You are not the basis for her feelings. She is. Just as you are of yours.

3 years is a long time... when you're not sharing equally the strength of your emotions.

And to be bluntly honest, she sounds like she needs to learn who she is... and so do you, as you appear willing to have let her be this way for so long.

reply to post by sparky31


You have to figure out if she has low self-esteem or too high self-esteem.

If she's high maintenance then that is something different than trust issues.

Was she an only child? What's her parents like?

If she is just being manipulative because she's spoiled then you need to lay down the law, and if she doesn't change her tune, leave her.

Be like, "look her woman, I'm having my friends over on Saturday and we're going to watch the game."

You just need to make sure it's really not low self-esteem issues, before you try that.

If it's low self-esteem, you could be making a big mistake by casting blame on her.

reply to post by sparky31


That wasn't your decision. She was the one in a relationship going behind the other person's back and eventually getting with you. That's a burden on her shoulders not yours.

So what if she left someone to be with you. She made the decision and you are not to blame. I had a boyfriend that was just like your girlfriend many years ago. It will get worse, not better. He too threathened suicide and that weighed on me. He never did follow through. Leaving was the best thing I could have done and I never regretted it for a minute.

Get your family and friends back. Get your damned life back. If you stay you will be miserable, resentful and will regret it. That is no life!

sounds like you're pussy-whipped and you have no balls to stand up for yourself or leave. So you deserve it all.

VoidHawk

Asktheanimals
I was in a bad marriage for 18 years so I know what you're talking about here.
You're miserable, she's miserable.
So what good is this relationship?
NONE.
Get out.
Now.
You are responsible only for YOU.
What she does is her responsibility and whatever she does is HER CHOICE.
End of story.
Waiting is wasting your life.
If she says she has no reason to live ask her if she was born with one.
If she didn't get it at birth I suppose she doesn't really need one.

Same here, 18 years of misery, but then she said marriage would make it all be ok, it got worse!
A couple of months after she'd gone I got home from work one day, put the key in the door, and realised....I didn't have to cringe at the thought of what was on the other side of the door! That was one of the best days of my life!

GET OUT NOW DUDE!! It aint worth the agro.

Void you poor, poor soul.
Wanna talk about it?
(was it "for the kids" by any chance?)