Woman Trouble

Hi all .

So my girlfriend moved down from London to Bournemouth to live with me. Its only about an hour and a half away so we arent talking massive distance.

We have been living together since June and i thought all was fine. Alas clearly it is not... The last few weeks she has been really distant and moody. I thought that was her being her but i have finally given in and asked her what is going on.

Well she has dropped the bombshell that she loves me deeply but hates it here. Misses home and her friends. Hates her job here. Despite earning more money for less hours. She says she literally is starting to feel ill because she has felt so down for weeks.

I really dont know what to do. I have given a lot up for her and helped her financially. Without her here theres no way i will be able to afford my flat (so im bricking it about that aswell). I cant move up to London until at least July 2014 because my firm are putting me through a gas qualification, which is a big deal breaker for my career (i would happily move up there once i have my qualification as work will be easy to get work and i have a lot of family up there).

I feel like im literally up the creek without a paddle. Do i suggest she goes home or what. Maybe tell her to go home for a bit and see if she can work out what she wants or what? Tell her to stop being a donut as its only a year shes got to stick it out it for?

I love this girl and it kills me knowing she is desperately unhappy here....

Guess im just looking for a bit of advice or whatever.

Thanks

Why not try a trial long distancve relationship and see how it works. Even if you are just in different rooms, facetime each other and enjoy company that way. It's a sacrifice I'd hate to make but really what won't a dude do for love...

reply to post by KingDoey


Nice RSX,

Anyway, did she know that you will have to stay here to get your qualification before she decided to move?

July 2014 is less than 10 months to go, if she does really like you, she will try to adjust, relationship is about sacrificing certain things to make it work.

If only one person sacrifices, that is not a relationship.. thats dictatorship.

I cant understand the exact situation you are in, but i will put my career first(depending on the type of relationship), only way i put my career second if i and her decide to get married or etc.

FryEvans
Why not try a trial long distancve relationship and see how it works. Even if you are just in different rooms, facetime each other and enjoy company that way. It's a sacrifice I'd hate to make but really what won't a dude do for love...

Hi thanks for your reply...

We were actually in a long distance relationship before so i know we can do that. Just feels like it would be a massive step back and tbh she has said several times that she couldnt go back to that...

luciddream
reply to post by KingDoey

 

Nice RSX,

Anyway, did she know that you will have to stay here to get your qualification before she decided to move?

July 2014 is less than 10 months to go, if she does really like you, she will try to adjust, relationship is about sacrificing certain things to make it work.

If only one person sacrifices, that is not a relationship.. thats dictatorship.

I cant understand the exact situation you are in, but i will put my career first(depending on the type of relationship), only way i put my career second if i and her decide to get married or etc.

Hi there thanks for reply,

Yeah she knew that before she moved which frustrates me... Indeed i feel like i have given up just as much as her after she moved here. Less money, had to give up some of my hobbies etc.

As you say i am putting my career first. Theres no way i wont finish my qualification for a girl.

I just dont know what to do whether to tell her to sort it out or just tell her to go. Not very good at things like this, being a typical bloke lol

Relationships require concessions. Marriages fail and succeed based on give and take. Sometimes you are in the sucky position and sometimes you get a break while your partner gets to sit in the sucky position. One's outlook on the situation often times makes or breaks it. I am sure she is missing home, family, and friends, but if you two are serious then leaving those things to start your own family is something A LOT of folks have to do. She lives a lot closer to those things than a lot of people do so she is lucky in that respect. She can drive there a few times a week and not be terribly put out by it.

I really don't think I would consider 3 months as giving it a fair shake. Maybe you two could agree on giving it 6 months and then revisit the subject of her going back for good. If you two are talking marriage eventually then she should be able to hold out until you can move next year. IMO of course. It is what couples do when they love each other and want to be together. They find a way to make it work.

I understand that you hate to see her upset and that is a good thing. But what happens if you do get married and you have to move again in the future for work? Will she be unwilling to leave then as well. It's something to think about.

I am a female and I think she should give it more time. If she isn't willing to do that for the good of the relationship, then maybe you need to reevaluate the importance she should have in your life.

As always... no offense is intended. I hope it works out for you either way.

reply to post by KingDoey


She's homesick. She needs to get out & make friends, explore her new surroundings, familiarize herself with her new city. Having been a military spouse moving every 3 years I understand that feeling but it does pass. If she decides to move home & you do the long distance thing until you can relocate what happens in, say, 5 years if your company wants to transfer you elsewhere? You don't say how old she is but age & maturity are a factor in how well someone acclimates. I say take her out & show her what the city has to offer, walk around & explore with her. Maybe it's the humdrum work, home, work, home, work, home cycle & she needs to deviate from that a bit.

reply to post by KingDoey


I have been in her situation. I understand how difficult it can be to leave everything and everyone to be with
the one you love. Can't do long distance, so moving seems like the best idea, but once the move settles in, the reality of it hits hard. I know u are there for her but it is a very lonely feeling. I have been away for 10 years and I still miss the familiarity, friends and family. However, I'm married, this is my home and family now; I belong with him and have made the best of it. I haven't made a lot of friends because people here are just "different" There is nothing like having your childhood and "good" friends and family around you. The people who really know you well. 2 options. Either she sticks it out with you for a year or she moves back. I think that if she truly loves you, she will stick it out for the year. It is only a year. Do you plan on marrying this girl? If you move back, marry and things get tough or you have to move for financial reasons, will she be right next to you? Maybe she thought she was ready and then realized that she isn't. You really need to discuss this together. If she decides to stay then I think she needs to find friends to go out with. Give her the space she needs when she needs it, and hold her close when she needs you.
May I ask how old the two of you are?

You could try to make plans for you both to move closer to where she came from.. Meet her half way - move thirty or so minutes closer so you're both not too stressed. It wouldn't have to be a sudden thing, just put off money every day or week and work towards a goal ~
Hopefully you two can figure it out

You may feel you have sacrificed but you didn't give up "home" she did. The responsible thing for you to do is sit down with her and have a serious talk About where things are going between you. Explain how you feel and what the ultimate end goal is and see if she can just ride this little bit of time out before you can be closer to her "home". If she is really the one she can. In the meantime it is up to you to actually "date" her and give her reasons to feel good about staying with you. Maybe invite some of her friends down to your place for a small dinner or an evening out. There is alot you can do to help her through this. The question is are you willing to do what it takes.

reply to post by KingDoey


How often do you go out? For whatever reason, when I read your post I got this big feeling that she needs to go out more. A real "date night" with food and then an activity, on a regular basis, specifically COUPLE TIME not with a group of friends. So she has something to grab onto for next week. The date night (insert whatever activity). Instead of the drowning feeling or sluggish feeling it seems she feels now. Please ignore me if I am completely off base.

Maybe you guys can come up with some way she can
a) get out or go home more often between now and when you can leave, or
b) maybe if your flat is big enough, invite temporarily someone/s she knows to come stay with you.
Sure it'd be crowded, but temporary, and it might be someone from back home for her which might help.
I mean... if she could tough it out a year, and you were willing to go back with her, you guys could pull it off, people do. But if she's miserable, you need something, even small but ongoing things, for the meantime.

And maybe some of this. LOL.

reply to post by KingDoey


Well. put yourself in her shoes?
It seems to be all about you, and your career and future?
If I was her I would be thinking that you might be a selfish man!
Not what you are hoping to hear I expect, but there you go.

Bottom line is that you are not as important to her as she thought. She says it's "the place" to lessen the sting of what it really is: You AND the place. But you have a major problem. You are depending on her income to stay in your flat. So it would be difficult for you to just tell her to go back home. But that's what you need to do. You need to show her you won't go crazy if she's not there. Stay for your qualification and say that if it works out you might be able to return and if she still wants to be together, great! You're in charge of your own life here and you need to show her that you are.

schuylerBottom line is that you are not as important to her as she thought.

Aw, that doesn't seem fair. Maybe you're right, but maybe not. I have lived many places, and there have been times when despite that I was so happy in one respect, I was just miserable in others, and it affected even my ability to enjoy the things I did have going well.

Awee.. dang it OP. Sorry this is happening to you.

If I understand correctly you are living together and you are renting a place together that you cannot afford without her? Was this place rented before or after she came?

I would kindly tell her you want her to be happy and if moving back to her home place would make her happier, that is what you want. She will probably miss you once she is home, or that is her way of nicely telling you she wants to move on... without you all together. Hard to say.

You could always ask her to allow you time to find someone to help share the expenses before she leaves.

Let her go... if she is THE ONE... she will come back.

KingDoey,

Agree with Mama J...let her go.

I would also suggest you do some growing up ..before going down this road again with a woman...some serious growing up.

It is obvious to me that this woman is not grown up sufficiently to work out the difficulties and is thinking in terms of "Options" not in terms or responsibilities. You cannot trust this woman with such a condition.. do you think this woman can be trusted with the monies you earn??? Think it through.

Also I believe you made some bad choices here and are paying the piper for them...this is your doing too. You chose badly.

I do not have time or interest in people whos number one occupation when not working is their social needs and boredom.

I have been up this road even with my own brother and kept supporting him for about a year and a half while his number one skill and concern was his boredom and social life while I was keeping him afloat with my risk taking in my job. I finally told him to move out.

I have learned that once you stabilize certain types of people with a roof over their heads, food, and utilities... Their number one concern now becomes social..and socializing...ie..boredom.
In chasing down "unboredom" ..they loose sight of the bigger more important picture while chasing and thinking about more "Un Boredom." This is how I gauge maturity levels.
Do they bore easily?? If you are not on top of this thought process..before you know it..a switch has taken place in priorities and you two are on different courses and priorities/directions.
You are no longer one.

Also suggest strongly that next time you be prepared to go it alone on the costs of your flat and other expenses. You do not want to have to depend on roomates and such.
It is just the way things out here stack up.

I will give you one other bit of advice. Choose your woman for Peace..not for Piece. You will find that a woman who can bring a man Peace is a very very rare and valuable commodity out here. There are many ..both male and female out here for whom their major tools in their toolbox are Piece and social skills...not real skills to go the long distances today..but mostly instant gratification types..including and especially boredom or being easily bored.
This means they don't have long attention spans.
It is not difficult to get a partner to take off their clothes..it is much more difficult to get real life skills, wisdom, and knowledge from them...ie..Peace. But you are learning that harsh truth ..are you not??

Unfortunately in an instant gratification world ..this is not a thought process often taught to young people.

One of the hard harsh truths about being grown up..is that you dont get all the "Options" at someone else's expense. You dont just show up and the buffet line is set up for you and you can just show up and sparkle. It often takes hard work, commitment, and dedication..not social skills.
Is this not what you must do to get your gas qualifications..."hard work, commitment , and dedication??"
Why would you accept any less from the woman in whom you choose to spend your time and monies??


Choose wisely KingDoey.

Thanks,
Orangetom

reply to post by KingDoey


It's an hour and half bud.

Cut your losses. You have a career that is important to you, she has a life there that is important to her.

I'm sure if you both do love each other, you'll make it work over the distance for the year and change you'd have left before you could go there.

~Tenth

Bluntly... she needs to grow up or get out. Just depends on how much drama and bull you want to deal with and for how long.