Very British Problems!

Came across some rather amusing anecdotes which I thought I'd share. Must confess they had me in stitches as unfortunately I can more than relate!! Tea after all, is a very important topic for us Brits!

Happy reading and I'm sure you'll agree we do suffer for our British stiff upper lip!

Very British Problems

Worrying you look like you’re pocketing a chocolate bar every time you put your phone away in a newsagent’s shop

Being unable to open a packet of biscuits without breaking the first two

The heartbreak of finding an empty teacup when you thought there was one gulp to go

Trembling with rage on discovering a tea bag in the sink

Suspecting you've been overcharged, so making sure to frown as you insert your debit card and pay in full

Bidding someone farewell and then striding off in the same direction

The alarming moment when someone you've told to 'pop round anytime' decides to pop round

Feeling you must press the train door button within a millisecond of illumination or be judged an amateur

Being mistaken for a shop assistant and simply assuming the role as best you can

Being mortified to realise you've been waiting to exit the train on the wrong side, and have caused others to do the same

Being flabbergasted at how many people add milk at the wrong stage of the tea making process

Becoming so furious that you hold the "I" of "I beg your pardon" for a good three seconds

Discovering you've missed your tea's perfect drinking temperature by a fraction of a second

Accidentally touching a fellow commuter's hand and recoiling as if you've just been bitten by an adder


And many more in the handy non pocket size book available from Amazon apparently and quite reasonable too I'm told

This one...

Accidentally touching a fellow commuter's hand and recoiling as if you've just been bitten by an adder

Only If you are down south, us up north would laugh and actually talk to the person..normally about whippets.

It's all true!

The one where you go to drink your tea and it's all gone can ruin your whole day. It's a very depressing situation and can only be resolved by making more tea!

reply to post by boymonkey74


AND probably end up going out on a piss up and curry afterwards followed by a quickie behind Ladbrokes betting shop in Bradford at 3am in the morning!

Southerners would scream like a big girls blouse and run out of the train or metro with clenched bum cheeks looking for the nearest copper to report you! J (we love you Southerners really, it's not your fault your beer tastes like witches piddle!)

Kindest respects

Rod

Don't think my kettle has ever been cold!! Of course the worst part is when your rich tea breaks on dunking and falls to the bottom of the cup. Alas southerners won't know what I mean hehe them being so posh an' all

reply to post by phyllida


Only one thing to say :

TETLEYS



AND they don't dissolve like those Puffy southerner T bags

Still love all you Southern members... but DON'T touch our Northern REAL MANS/WOMANS tea bags or we will get Biffa Bacon onto you!!!!

And why not add some proper REAL unpuffy buttered unsouthern toast for real women/men :



Kindest respects

Rodinus

Ps... and i live in France!!!!!

It seems the poor chap who wrote the book of amusement now has haters all over the interweb! Humour it seems is becoming a lost art....so here's some more little insights for those that know how to laugh at themselves

Giving your newspaper an extra vigorous rustle to warn of your imminent meltdown

Dealing with a noisy train passenger by staring furiously out the window

Dealing with a queue-jumper by tutting as quietly as possible

Beginning to worry you're only a couple more barbecues away from developing gout

Opening a window to let out a fly and ending up with thirty midges, three wasps, two bees and an owl

Deciding to spice up the morning by filling the kettle slightly past the recommended level, then thinking better of it

Gearing up to order with your menu closed, then opening and pointing at the very last second

Worrying you've accidentally packed 3 kilos of coc aine and a dead goat as you stroll through "Nothing to declare"

Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus

Feeling your life lacks excitement, so dunking your biscuit for an irresponsibly long time

reply to post by phyllida


And our American brothers and sisters think that us Brits are boring!!????

MEGA massive star and flag to you Phyl...

Kindest respects

Rodinus

*Roots around in kitchen cupboard... now where are those blummin antique Tetleys T bags "pics or it didn't happen!?" (Have an unopened box that are probably worth a fortune now!)

reply to post by Rodinus



Thank you my dear. I personally don't do the Tetleys I'm a Yorkshire Tea Girl...I like to keep it local as the actress said to the bishop

But the question remains...just why doesn't anyone tell you when you've tucked your skirt into ya knickers? Is it to save embarrassment so you can be mortified alone when you get home and discover the faux pas?

This southerner is sat here with a mug of Yorkshire tea.

CX.

reply to post by phyllida


West Yorkshire that's where I live ....yup yorkshire tea is the best tea...so strong some girls use it as fake tan.

phyllida
reply to post by Rodinus

 

But the question remains...just why doesn't anyone tell you when you've tucked your skirt into ya knickers? Is it to save embarrassment so you can be mortified alone when you get home and discover the faux pas?

Probably for the same reason that no-one tells ladies in nightclubs that they have half a roll of loo paper dangling down underneath their skirt or guys that have wee stains on their trousers which are highlighted by the white light

Right, back to bed for me to sweat this bronchitis out

Kindest respects

Rodinus

Being a southerner visiting a chippy up North.

Lady behind counter: "Want scraps wit that"
Me: "I beg your pardon my dear"
Lbc :"Scraps"

I think she's asking me if I want all the crappy burnt bits.

Me:"No thanks dear, just the Chips please"
Lbc: " bread cake?"

Bread cake? I thinks she's asking me if I want a bread roll.

Me:"No thanks, just the chips" .

reply to post by woodwardjnr


When I lived in London I was shocked that they didn't do chips with gravy.




We sure do

reply to post by boymonkey74


Lol
When I visited Lancashire I asked for fishcake chips & gravy...she didn't have a clue what I was on about and said you mean a fish sandwich? Erm NO I said a fishcake if I'd meant a sandwich I'd have said fish butty. She said noooo you're wanting fish with potato in batter...a sandwich? Oh says I well that's plain daft when its obviously a fishcake sure is where I come from. She replies well its not a butty either its a bap. I gave up and went for a chinese

So dreadfully separated by a common language!

reply to post by phyllida


A BAP????????

Blummin heck, thats posh

Kindest respects

Rodinus

Ps. oOOOOOO by gum i miss a decent chippy.... living in France aint easy.... but i guess i cannot complain given the free wine that i have as my outlaws have a vineyard!

Only 09:03 in the morning and already dribbling!

Deciding whether a Jaffa Cake is a Cake or a biscuit. I say biscuit. For those concerned about their waste line, Jaffa cakes are probably the best biscuit, especially if you have to eat a whole packet. Can't just stop at one.

Although my favourite biscuit is the Jammie dodger or Party Rings. Either has to be consumed by the packet. Tea optional

phyllida
reply to post by boymonkey74

 

Lol
When I visited Lancashire I asked for fishcake chips & gravy...she didn't have a clue what I was on about and said you mean a fish sandwich? Erm NO I said a fishcake if I'd meant a sandwich I'd have said fish butty. She said noooo you're wanting fish with potato in batter...a sandwich? Oh says I well that's plain daft when its obviously a fishcake sure is where I come from. She replies well its not a butty either its a bap. I gave up and went for a chinese

So dreadfully separated by a common language!

where i stay in SCOTLAND has been voted best english speaking area in britian you could not make that up when i worked in england nobody would believe i was a jock

woodwardjnr
Deciding whether a Jaffa Cake is a Cake or a biscuit. I say biscuit. For those concerned about their waste line, Jaffa cakes are probably the best biscuit, especially if you have to eat a whole packet. Can't just stop at one.

Although my favourite biscuit is the Jammie dodger or Party Rings. Either has to be consumed by the packet. Tea optional

A Jaffa cake is not a biscuit... biscuits are crumbly like bourbon creams... Unless you have left your Jaffa cakes for 18 months in the biccy cupboard?... sheesh... i sound like Phage now!

Blummin heck... i miss Jammie Dodgers and remember... P.P pick up a penguin? :



Kindest respects

Rodinus

Ooooh a dunked jammie dodger...you have to be careful but it can be done. Love it when the jam goes all warm and soggy hehehe Rich Teas on the other hand are an art form and careful timing is necessary

I bet our american friends are wondering what on earth we are talking about! And for those that know what we're talking about, I bet theyre wondering why and how a whole thread can evolve around tea and biscuits!


Its so depressing when you go to other people's houses and they offer you tea and its totally disgusting. What do you do with it? Spill it accidentally and apologise profusely? Sneak it into a plant pot and hope the rubber plant survives? Leave it until it goes cold and pray they don't offer another? I normally make some excuse to go into the kitchen whilst chatting amiably and chuck it down the sink with a "Mmmm that was nice"