A Study In Orange & Black [HWC2013]

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My name is Glenda. I was taught about loving everyone by peaceful monks in France. This teaching of love have been so deep and heart-warming, that I wept when I saw horror movies; especially Halloween horror movies. All those horrifying deaths and despair could have been avoided if the heroes (and the movies's directors and writers) could've shown love to their enemy. And vice-versa.
It is mind-bogging that there wasn't even one tiny bit of hope for love and friendship between the characters... I guess it was the protagonist's fault for looking so scary. They should really take a bath, sometimes, and brush their teeth before meeting humans.
Anyway, my purpose here, for this month, is to do a pseudo-scientifical, pseudo-philosophical study on Halloween and the fear associated with it, both deserved and undeserved, depending on who we're studying.
Oh, and I'll also be nick-picking... it's also something my French monks taught me, see. It's so boring in a monastery, that we must be able to nick-pick details and start a debate on whatever we find, to keep us un-bored. Let's start, shall we?


Halloween. The scariest time of the year. Witches brewing ominous potions; werewolves chasing you through the woods; ghosts trying to scare you, spiders making gigantic webs; humanoid pumpkin trying to... what, touch your clothes? Crows announcing your imminent death; Frankeinstein brought to life for the hundredth time, and contacting little girls for the hundredth time; vampires trying to suck your blood; zombies trying to eat you; Captain Jack Sparrow trying to clumsily stop other pirates from pirating... okay, that isn't very scary. More entertaining, really.
Snow-White eating for the millionth time the enchanted apple, and having to deal for the millionth time with seven annoying dwarves.
A very dark and scary night indeed. And yet, if only people knew all the flaws of those scary characters, you'll never again look at them the same way. Let's dive in, shall we, in this well-organised pseudo study on the Halloween characters.


WITCHES

Face covered with warts, yellow and deformed teeth, long and dirty fingernails, flying on brooms, pointy hat, all females, all skinny. These are witches. Powerful magic and dreaded potions are their specialty.
Yet, so many things are wrong with them. Let's take a look.

- Warts. So, witches brews infinite types of potions, from love-potions to instant death potions, yet, can't make one single potion against their warts, while iced nitrogen does the trick? Surely with all their expertise, brewing iced nitrogen isn't too much of a trouble.

- Pointy hats. Now there is the big problem: the witches's hat are completely not adapted for flight. Frankly, how can witches fly at unheard speed, when their hats are completely un-aerodynamics?
Surely, anyone with a basic in engineering can notice how pointy hats counter-reacts with the wind, thus radically slowing down the witches.
Instead, their hats should look like the nose of a rocket, parallel to the body of the witch.

Or, they should wear a bicycle helmet. Much more efficient.

- Levitation. I am seriously wondering what type of propulsion does their brooms use. Gas? Electric motor? Nuclear reactor? Antimatter? Shouldn't they need to refill their brooms's tanks, or plug their brooms in a power output, or ask permission from the Pentagon each time they need to fly? And if it's antimatter, how come witches have that technology, and not civilians?
And if it's not antimatter, shouldn't witches pay environmental taxes for the amount of polluants they use each time?

- No fat witches. Noticed how all witches are skinny? With the amount of potions they have to taste, it's a wonder that they don't have diabetes or high-cholesterol. Beside, it's not as if witches work out in gyms, all they do is stand around their brewing pot or sit on their brooms. They don't even walk. If we listen to the American Study on Health, with the witches's amount of standing and sitting all day long, they should be 300 pounds by the age of 30.

- Witches have most instruments available to them (spoons, brewing pot, herbs, phials, clothes, hats) but do not own any toothbrush or clip-nail... Not enough money left?

- No men. How do they reproduce? There's constantly new young witches. How did they got created? Grow out of the soil each spring?


WEREWOLVES

Not many flaws about werewolves, except perhaps the fact they always retain their underwears while transforming. And the underwears are mysteriously returned to their normal size when the werewolf turn back into human form.

GHOSTS

Now, them...

- Why are ghosts always trying to scare people? Why can't they have a happy relationship with the family that stumbled into a haunted house? Why can't ghosts tell stories to the children, have a drink, play bridge or Scrabble?

- Ghosts passes through walls and doors. Why don't they passes through floors or the ground and come out the other side of the Earth, in China?

HALLOWEEN SPIDERS

Strange how their webs succeeds to last days without being damaged by winds or rain. Especially with the size of webs that Halloween Spiders constructs. Plus, the web isn't even at a good ratio with its creator. How did the spider tucked all that silk in his tiny belly?

And seriously, eating humans? They can't get around eating a damn helpless mosquito. I know. I was watching them, full of hope, waiting that they come out of their little silky home, walk to the stuck mosquito, and eat it. In vain. The spider didn't even moved one of its eight legs...

HUMANOID PUMPKIN

Okay, now... what went wrong with Monsanto's genetical experiments?

Where is the pumpkinoid's brain, anyway? How can he walk without any brain? It got eyes, mouth (no ears or nose, mind you), and then, a 3-piece suit covered human body. What happened? The buck-ass nude pumpkinoid walked into a Wal-Mart, shopped for an hour in the men's section, magically payed the cashier (since he has no FBI-wanted posters of him plastered everywhere in the city) and then decided to wander in pumpkin fields?

More on-topic, though, why are pumpkinoids trying to touch humans? Or rather, why are humans scared of pumpkinoids? Don't they realize that pumpkinoids are perhaps researching the touch of love, a love never given by their Monsanto's creators? Beside, they can't kill people, they don't have any brain; they can't premeditely plan murder without brains. So clearly, all they want is human love and gentleness... And to not be made into lanterns or pies.

CROWS

Why is it only in Halloween that crows have the sudden power of predicting death? I mean, they crow all year-long, and you don't see people falling dead right away... Would I knew about this year-long crow power, I would have lured crows on my annoying neighbour's yard...
Then Halloween comes, and as soon as a crow sing, some random guy or girl falls dead. How does it work? Is there a specific temperature during Halloween that modify the crow's vocal frequency, rendering that ordinary frequency deadly to the human brain? Only in Halloween??

FRANKEINSTEIN

This, now... The first documented report of the Frankeinstein monster was about in 1850. It was created then, escaped, met and scared a little girl, and died in that same year. Yet, every Halloween, there's always a Frankeinstein asking for candies... Which means... Frankeinstein got created again, and again, and again, and again. And since you don't hear anymore of any Frankeinstein after Halloween, that means he got killed each end of Halloween after probably scaring a little girl.
Didn't Frankeinstein's creator figured out that Frankeinstein just doesn't work? Why are they still creating another brainless, emotionless, speechless, 8 feet tall, 300 pounds "man" composed of 7 mans? And weren't they supposed to add a more sturdy lock to the door, when they saw that Frankeinstein escaped for the hundredth time?

VAMPIRES

Those should have died off about 50 years ago when Chinatown and Italiantown/Mafia took over all the major cities. Think about it. When was the last time you met someone who never ate pizzas, pastas, or Asian food in his entire life? These foods are full of garlic, onion, or shallot. Vampires shouldn't anymore be able to suck the blood of anyone.

Also, I was deeply perplexed by an American TV show called "True Blood" and "Twilight". The romance process perplexes me. How can the girl French kiss a vampire, with his razor-sharp pointy canines? It's perplexing. She'll get bitten on the tongue all the time!!! By this rate, she should have become a super-vampire...

ZOMBIES

You are all probably familiar with the Resident Evil scenario? Yes? Good, because they have the biggest flaws of all. They are constantly hungry, according to the heroine. Then how come zombies never eat one another? Zombies have hundreds of possible supper around them, constantly. Surely another stupid and slow zombie is a simpler target to eat than an heavy-armed, super-intelligent, hyper-fast woman?
Just saying.
But the bosses of zombies are the ones that perplexed me. It's alright that they're dead, but why someone decided to stick nails on the bosses's heads and bodies?
What however made me laugh was the thought of hypnotize the boss zombie with the gigantic hammer, and give him a subconscious suggestion: "You will attack this fortress. Now remember, walls are in fact the woman-target, and the woman is in fact a wall". So the boss zombie attacks relentlessly and with all his might, a wall.

SNOW-WHITE

I'm afraid that I can't really make a big study on her, except saying that she's an idiot. I mean, with all the time she knew her evil mother-in-law, she should have guessed that the apple her mother-in-law gave her was poisoned... But nooo, Snow-White ate the apple anyway. She kinda deserved it.




So, my time is up, I have to go back in my monastery. My fellow monks told me through e-mail that one bottle of wine is missing; we are now at 1 920 837 bottles of wine instead of 1 920 838 bottles...
So, I hope you liked my little pseudo study on the Halloween characters, and I hope you will never look at them the same way from now on.

And remember, don't fear ghosts or pumpkinoids. They only want the warmth of your heart and your love. Hug them, give them a drink, and offer them a game of Scrabble or Risk. Watch out though if you offer a game of Risk to a ghost of Napoleon, Alexander the Great, or Julius Ceasar. They WILL beat you.

Happy Halloween,

With love and kindness,
Glenda.

Two weeks passed by, and no one commented on my pseudo-study...

Didn't no one acknowledged my love-fuelled pumpkinoid?

With Love
Glenda

reply to post by starheart


Not bad mate! S&F

reply to post by swanne


Yeah... but as one of my friend pointed out, it wasn't really a story you could tell around a fire at night.

In fact, it was yours that I really liked; I'm glad you're still leading #1

starheart
I'm glad you're still leading #1

If you mean "number one" as in "first officer of Jean-Luc Picard ", I'm afraid you are mistaking, for dragons can't do that.