Ever want to ask the Australian tourist board a question ? Think carefully first

Hi guys

Dad's been on the email again, (must be a non golf day) after wading through all his "funnies" I came across this little gem.

Hope it makes you giggle

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great
sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins)!

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV.
How do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
.. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Cody

One of my co-workers, who is British BTW, took his family on vacation to Australia. When asked by Customs if he had a criminal record he replied "I didn't know I still needed one to get in".

That is living dangerously!

reply to post by RomaSempre


You owe me a monitor after that and my keyboard is looking a mess as well

*Looks for screen wipes*

Cody

RomaSempre
One of my co-workers, who is British BTW, took his family on vacation to Australia. When asked by Customs if he had a criminal record he replied "I didn't know I still needed one to get in".

That is living dangerously!

Please step over here for a cavity search sir...

oh, I'm glad I'm not in class reading that. I could never have kept from laughing out loud.

Another great post to lighten the day! S/F to be sure.

reply to post by RomaSempre


Thats the good thing about the aussies, they give as good as they receive! And i never met one i didnt like yet.

I dont get the ATM and the Christmas one.. or maybe im looking too much into it and expecting some else.

That one about the snakes had me rolling.

That was amusing. I don't get the ATM one though. Is it implying that slaves are crazily expensive?

reply to post by cody599


It's always big fun when I hide your dad's golf clubs. But now he wants to go to those hippo races.

Luv,

Mum

reply to post by luciddream


I think they mean that they are being asked to slave around taking photos of atm's...

That's an Aussie interpretation....

"bloody strooth did your last slave die off or what mate?"

Where can I get me some Drop Bears?

reply to post by graceunderpressure


Hi mum

I got the map you sent me, that'll be a big help

Thanks,



Luckily no barber shops

Cody

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, ...I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.

The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR EFFING BADGE!"

reply to post by cody599


S&F Cody. This one never gets old, even though I have seen it before.

Being from Australia, these are the top three things you are generally asked by overseas guests.

USA: 'Where are all the kangaroos and koalas?' People seem to think we just have them hanging out in urban backyards, hopping down the street with our cars and generally following people around like dogs and cats. A friend from the US visiting here was surprised to see just how far out of a developed area you had to go just to see a few roos. As for koalas, I've seen one in the wild in my lifetime of 40 years.

UK: 'Lets just pop on down to Sydney or Melbourne for a day.' I'm guessing it's because the UK is so small English people seem to have this idea it's just an hours drive to get to other capitals. Sydney would be 1-2 days travel, Melbourne 3-4 at least from where I am. Even Brisbane is two hours away.

Any: 'Is it true you have Drop Bears? Isn't everything here going to kill you?' There's nothing quite like the drop bear myth to get foreigners looking in trees in fear. It truly is an Australian tradition. As for everything trying to kill you? Yes, we have some of the most venomous creatures in the world here. Common sense is your best defense against them. Like, for instance, don't go walking in long grass on hot days with no shoes (snakes) or don't go shoving your hands into dark boxes or areas without looking first (spiders). Simple really.

reply to post by EllaMarina


"What did your last slave die of?" is an Australian saying that basically means;

"Why should I do your work for you for free? Do it yourself."

It's a personal favourite in our household, especially with the kids.

"Dad can you get me a drink?"

"Get up and get it yourself lazy. (what did your last slave die of?)"

reply to post by cody599


Bloody awesome!

Lol thanks for that Cody, you Ozzies have the best sense of humor!

And are people really that stupid?!?

reply to post by cody599


That one about the Drop bears. .

Sometimse you just gotta have something to laugh at.

Hahah thanks for the share! this one made me laugh the most

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.

I just have a mental image of these confused foreigners trying to capture a king brown for a pet! after the first one gets it, the rest would soon realise it'd be a no-go ;p