Uh Ohs - I has the fear of comittmitant, comietmeant, communintinent, comm...

Commitment.

I have young brothers and sisters. Proteges. Older brothers and sisters. Uncles and aunts. People who I go out of my way for, make sacrifices for, who I treat as family even though none of them actually are.

I have all this, am able to maintain these relationships and make sacrifices for these people, and yet, when it comes to my significant other I've never been able to make the step to really commit myself.

I have a girl now who has stuck with me over a year, after I ignored her, sidelined her, treated her a way she should probably never been treated, and when there is an issue I blame her and tell her I'm moving on.

Well, I don't really want to move on.

I love her, I just don't know how to convince myself of it. I use any excuse to look for a reason to bail on her, to go seek out and explore the horizons full of vagina I've never seen.

And...

It might make me happy for a short while, but I know I need her for the long while.

Odd isn't it?

reply to post by boncho

I have a girl now who has stuck with me over a year, after I ignored her, sidelined her, treated her a way she should probably never been treated, and when there is an issue I blame her and tell her I'm moving on.

Why? Is this something that someone did to you once or is this something you witnessed from your parents?

I'm gonna keep my eye on this thread..... because,,,,, I have an ex that I sometimes (most of the time) have a relationship with but don't understand and this seems to describe it.

You let me know if you figure it out.

/slap

That is for being a jerk

Either commit or walk away. You are being emotionally abusive.
You are damaging another human being. Man up and make a decision.Truthfully though, I think it would be better for her if you walked away, unless you can do a complete 180 and maintain it for the long haul.
You are being selfish and inconsiderate or her feelings. That isn't love.

I was terrified of commitment until I met "The One." It doesn't sound like she is it for you.

Your either in or out. But i would say do not carry on being with her. I believe if you truly loved her, That being with her would not be an issue, And you would not treat her that way ..

reply to post by boncho

Odd isn't it?

Yes! Yes it is. Its quite odd, more then odd I would say.

What is odd is that she would put up with you and it all, definitely not normal. Some people say that's love, but there idiots and its not, in fact it just may be the opposite of this love thing they go on about, there is something to her that she would be willing to be treated like that. Generally there may be things between you that have gone on for to long and have been at odds for to long that one day even if things look seemingly normal it may just surface and blow.

What I am saying is that at some point if you have to keep working at it, and have to constantly keep maintain it, that does not mean that it will one day pay off and you two will set sail happily into the sunset. Its just as likely that it had and has all the signs that it just is not meant to be all along. Yet your both to stubborn and to set into a certain patterns to admit it to yourselves.

What I am saying is, and don't quote me on this #. Your on your own, but just saying you know. That if you have to constantly work at love, then its not love. And you both are just addicted and predisposed to picking at scabs in a way, it just may be a habit and nothing else between you two.

I think you had the same sort of thread some years back if I remember correctly. I mean you both have to admit that you may like this sort of thing. Or you may be right for each other in that respect. But then again maybe not. Who know eh? Do whatever its your life.

I take back what I said in the OP. She's a lying 8!@&#.... I was totally justified in my actions and it's been cleared up.

Why I didn't just stick to my initial convictions I have no idea.

This, this is the problem. Emotions.

I preach and practice being pragmatic on the forums, and in my professional life, and here I am in my personal life acting on emotions and completely ignoring things staring at me in the face, taking other people's versions of events and seeing it their way when my initial instinct was that it was BS.

Ugh.

reply to post by boncho


I came by here earlier, but didnt want to fly off the handle with my response, since sometimes we need to wait things out.

Whether good or bad, I see that you may have seen things in a different light, and maybe a step back was what you needed, good luck.

Peace, NRE.

Originally posted by boncho

I love her, I just don't know how to convince myself of it.

For future reference Boncho, if you have to convince yourself you love someone - You really dont "Love" them in the way you're intending to.

If you truly love someone, it is not a question of how much or how long, its just a knowing.

Now stop being a jerk and either end the relationship/move on or sit down and get to grips with your feelings.

Originally posted by SearchLightsInc

Originally posted by boncho

I love her, I just don't know how to convince myself of it.

For future reference Boncho, if you have to convince yourself you love someone - You really dont "Love" them in the way you're intending to.

If you truly love someone, it is not a question of how much or how long, its just a knowing.

Now stop being a jerk and either end the relationship/move on or sit down and get to grips with your feelings.

You have to take my second post into consideration. I was blinded by something, mostly lies and words, in any case, the situation is nothing like what I described in my OP.

I was seriously lacking the full understanding of what was going on. And while I was told I was doing all those things, and perhaps felt guilty because I wasn't "perfect"... I was really not even close to as bad I was describing in the OP.

Totally common to the human condition, if you have goals and plans there can be concerns or fear that they will hold you back from them instead of encouraging you to fulfill them. If you have abandonment issues you can unconsciously or consciously keep pushing someone away, to see if they will stick around with you for the long haul through thick and thin. Maybe you feel you haven't sown enough oats to be satisfied with just one, or she doesn't float your boat and you're too scared to say what you really want and expect in the bedroom to feel sexually fulfilled. Or you know that commitment can lead to less freedom and more responsibility if you happen upon making a family of your own. last but not least maybe you're not comfortable giving up control to let someone get that close to you.

All of these are common, some arise together, hell all of them can be occurring... I honestly think you know the reason, but are more tip toeing the issue hoping some advice randomly pops up and hits the nail on the head for you.

Instead of giving you advice on your issue, I'd like you to look at her perspective first. Think of all she has done for you, all you have put her through to be with you... now imagine you were her and she has treated you the way you have treated her. What would your motivations be for hanging around and putting up with it? Love care concern for your well being wanting to make you happy? You might think hell no i'd have left her ass... if that's the case then do her the favor and let her go. Because you are just using her when you need her or it's convenient and it's really not fair, if you really have any care for this woman, you would want her to be happy even if that means it is not you making her happy. To do anything else is selfish, it's ok to be selfish and want her... you know that's what she want's if you care then why wouldn't you give in to wanting her for more than motherly comfort and lust when you are in need.

Now my advice to you, go sow your oats and leave this poor woman alone. In the sowing you'll eventually grow more emotionally mature... and you will be ready if you aren't now you're just manipulating her by stringing her along. I don't mean that as an insult but being brutally honest. I don't blow smoke up peoples asses or tip toe issues with hints.

If I could give her advice it would be to draw some clear lines and boundaries of what she allows and what she doesn't. Without clear lines that she don't let people cross if not she becomes a doormat that people just use to wipe their feet on before heading to were they'd rather be and will never garner an ounce of respect from anyone without enough self respect to have boundaries. If you have no boundaries then people also have no fear of losing you, and will treat you how they want... you are just a supplicant that bends to another's whim without any recourse, until of course... you've finally had all you can take, and explode it all in a giant ball of pent up passive aggression because you haven't been living for you but them. Then in the next relationship instead of having boundaries you put up walls instead... because if they can't get in they can't hurt you, but you let that guard down boom you're hurt again because still no clear boundaries, of what and how you will allow people to treat you.

So the mantra for anyone that gets treated like a doormat... think Cesar Millan, to trian your dog they need boundaries and limitations. Not what they can and can't do like they are a child, then you have control issues... but what you will not allow them to do to you, they cross that line poof it's done no take two no second chances.

reply to post by boncho

I was seriously lacking the full understanding of what was going on. And while I was told I was doing all those things, and perhaps felt guilty because I wasn't "perfect"... I was really not even close to as bad I was describing in the OP.

So, what's the real scoop? She was manipulating you into a guilt trip by telling you her "views" on how you treated her that weren't ever justified? Is she a professional victim?

Don't be too tempted by all of the unconquered vagina you may be missing out on, Boncho. If you have a good girl who's willing to put up with your bullsh#t, then it would be best to stick around. You owe her that, at least.

Plus, it seems that interesting single women are coming out of the woodwork, when you are not single. But they seem to disappear as soon as you become single.

reply to post by BigBrotherDarkness

Very insightful post. If I could give you more stars I would happily do so.

reply to post by boncho

So boncho who may not have a poncho yet wants to be the head honcho. Have you waken up yet? Who's leading who around by the nose. Its a sad fact but in some circumstances the worse case scenario just may be that you two may have been made for each other. You got to ask yourself, what exactly makes you treat her the way you do? Its almost automatic, like a inbuilt response which was put there over eons no. If you cant trust your gut what can you trust.

The fact that you thought you have to work at love is a co opting mechanism some females use to reach certain ends, your stomach and mind were telling you to get out and move on. And yet completely disregarding you natural inclinations and instincts which kept saying "abort, abort, there be danger here" you keep picking at the scab, hoping against all reason that maybe it would work out in the end. And so its likely that if you have to constantly work and upkeep your love that you just may have been co opted into something which is not natural and does not work and never worked, and really is about as far from this love thing as can be.

In nature for every single trait one organism has inbuilt into itself there is another organism which counters or even seeks out and thrives on that specific trait. It is no different between the males organism and the female organism. For every trait which nature, experience and time has installed into one, the other has a counter effect, or has developed a way to use that trait to its benefit. All is fair in love and war, or so they say.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird



I think you are correct. This is not love and and part of him knows it.

ANyways, I am not sure what to make of his second post, but either way the relationship is not meant to be.

Originally posted by Deetermined
reply to post by boncho

 

I was seriously lacking the full understanding of what was going on. And while I was told I was doing all those things, and perhaps felt guilty because I wasn't "perfect"... I was really not even close to as bad I was describing in the OP.

So, what's the real scoop? She was manipulating you into a guilt trip by telling you her "views" on how you treated her that weren't ever justified? Is she a professional victim?

There is a little from column A and a little from column B.

All said and done, we have both admitted our mistakes to one another and it's not really as bad as I made it out to be. I have to say, venting helped for some reason.

In any case, neither of us have really treated the other that badly. There were some major problems that needed to be addressed and they were, but it's really not as bad as I first thought.

And I think we both have a fear of commitment that we both need to get over.

Originally posted by boncho

Originally posted by SearchLightsInc

Originally posted by boncho

I love her, I just don't know how to convince myself of it.

For future reference Boncho, if you have to convince yourself you love someone - You really dont "Love" them in the way you're intending to.

If you truly love someone, it is not a question of how much or how long, its just a knowing.

Now stop being a jerk and either end the relationship/move on or sit down and get to grips with your feelings.

You have to take my second post into consideration. I was blinded by something, mostly lies and words, in any case, the situation is nothing like what I described in my OP.

I was seriously lacking the full understanding of what was going on. And while I was told I was doing all those things, and perhaps felt guilty because I wasn't "perfect"... I was really not even close to as bad I was describing in the OP.

Im sorry to hear your having problems, on wards and upwards

reply to post by boncho

All said and done, we have both admitted our mistakes to one another and it's not really as bad as I made it out to be.

Considering that you've used the word "lying" twice, deep down do you trust her to be honest with you in the future? Or are you always going to be second guessing whether or not she's lying to you? Trying to make that determination in your own mind can waste a lot of mental energy and can be draining.

reply to post by calstorm

Love or not love, whatever it is, no doubt its there and present in your face, therefore it likely means that its real, because as some say "reality is that which when you cease believing in, it does not go away." Now if he stoped believing in it and all of a sudden it just poof dissipated, chances are it was not real to begin with. These sort of things manifest themselves over and over, and generally in this universe like attracts like, and energies bond with same sort of energies, and things like fears, hates, prejudices attract people to other people just as much as common habits and common likes or even there love does, in effect all those things are energies that people give out and take in, in a overall aspect nature and the universe does not distinguish from bad or good. To "it" its all just energies, and it comes down to everybody to find out what works for them, and what does not work.

All that applies to humans and even life in general or lifetimes, so yes the body and stomach may know more about what is going to happen, or what is happening then your head may know, and sometimes there are reasons why after its all said and done you end up going back to the same thing or the same person, for good or bad or detrimental you have something in common with them even if you don't want to admit it. Like instinct your gut just may know more about what is going on then the mind can fully grasp. Reason is surmountable your gut however can only be enticed or confused, and even that not for long as unlike your mind it usually just goes for what it likes or what was good for it once, while the mind will question and reason itself into any situation or believe, even if its not good for you anything can be reasoned into being something other then what it is, which eventually takes a sort of life of its own.

The dude seems to handle it well, and to tell the truth no doubt he and she will likely have lots more stuff coming down his way as like everything else everything just multiplies itself, so when you install a barb in your partner, expect to be like reimbursed and likely when you least expect it out of the blue BAAM a surprise, and from there it just goes on and on and on.

But such is life, I for one would rather whatever they got going on they handle it themselves, because its likely that if they don't all of it will just come up again, and go blammo on whoever they would be with then. Its usually how these sort of things work.

But really boncho? I am starting to see why women are into this sort of things. Ahh the dramatics, so what happen? Do tell, did she take your car for a joyride and end up scratching the paint job? Or was it worse then that. The suspense is killing me.