This should be in the Grey Area but I'm new.

Hi, I'm not really sure how to even begin this, quite frankly there isn't a 'beginning' for me.

I'll start by saying that my earliest memory is in 1st grade, everything that happened before that is an utter loss to me. When I look at photos of myself before first grade it is like I am looking at a stranger. But at the same time it feels as though I was nonexistent in that time, and not that I can't remember it. No feeling of 'loss' was associated with this memory loss.

Memories/experiences/life events from ages 5-22 now feel as though they were some movie I flipped through briefly a couple weeks prior. I often lose 'huge' events entirely, being reminded later in life only to have a feeling of disbelief that they ever occurred. (more along the lines of "no... That can't be" than a firm "there is no way that happened".)

I also feel the need to clarify this was mostly just personal memories, but at times when I tried to learn something it just wouldn't stick, IE mathematics was a loss to me while science was easy.

I didn't really remember or retain feelings about many things until I was 22. One day I woke up and it was literally like my brain had just turned on. Went to sleep a rock, woke up a sponge. I was suddenly... Alive and real. 

I absorbed everything, useless facts, key words, began to have a subconscious photographic memory (where I knew where something was but have no recollection of actually seeing it there). I can also see pictures and images when i close my eyes, mostly symbols and things I don't remember ever seeing. In the years since this event I have studied (not in a degree sense) archeology, etymology, philosophical, ancient life, prophesies, extraterrestrial entities and places, weather, astrology, astronomy, the spiritual realm. I became fascinated and drawn to Lilith, and often felt as though the manner in which I learned of her was almost like I was being handed the information from beyond what we understand (some call it fate)

I became a Taoist because I already was one. Or at least my disconnection with my life (no remembrance, no disappointments, no expectations etc). I never really believed in God, although I have believed there was a higher intelligence.

During my rebirth, I call it this because I feel I have gained more understanding in these few years than the twenty plus prior, something did happened.

While most of my memories are a loss to me, I regained a couple very vivid recollections among the sea of vague that is I. This was about two years ago.

One was when I was maybe 12, I sat and slept at my balcony door for a week. It had rained the whole time. I remember feeling like I was making it rain. I also received some kind of message, and I say that only because I can't find another way to describe it. The message/thought was that I would not live past 25. I remember not being scared of this, just a deep peace with it.

The other was when I was about 14, I was sitting in my moms friends car and I had an overwhelming sensation that I was small. Tiny. Like Alice in wonderland tiny. It didn't last long, but would return years later in its opposite (so big I would crush all)

Immediately the death thing stuck out to me. (it was like i had a memo in my brain with a do not open until this date in my head) Why hadn't I remembered this before? Why was I remembering these things now?  The first thing I did was calculate it against major prophecies, 2012 being those relevant.

The date was just under 9 months off.  25 was also a cut off age, not a date. So I existed until 12/21/2012, I say existed because I didn't feel like I was really living, this period is vague to me now. I stayed in on that day , not from fear- I was waiting. Not for the apocalypse, the end of the world, or some disaster etc.. But I was definitely waiting. 

I guess I still am. Maybe I'm just waiting for this stupid 25th birthday. But I can't help but feel that everything about me and who I am is different than almost all I know.

People always give me that "WHAT happened to you" look when I say I don't remember my childhood.  No one understands the dissociation I feel with myself.

To me it feels like I was never a child.
Like the vague memories of this life just started one day in first grade.
And it all feels incredibly fake.
And I don't think any of it matters.

I did those two survey/quizzes about being a starseed (I don't full understand it yet) and answered yes on most of the twelve questions questionnaire, the second one (longer,every questions mentions child) I answered mostly no, but again, I don't remember. 

It was a reach, I just want to know why I am different, or how I am, or what I am. I always be waiting for that answer. I don't have much time before this imposed cut off, which is probably why I am even here.

I started writing this a year ago and never posted it. I have largely been looked down on and criticized because of these things. Opening up on a site like this is.. Not in the realm of 'norm' but in the end neither am I. Glad to finally have done this, thanks for giving me an outlet to express this.

I think I just want to know if there's someone else like me.
Hope someone can help.

Welcome to ATS.

reply to post by butcherguy


Thank you.

reply to post by leftisright



I hope you enjoy your time here; see you around the forums!

reply to post by leftisright
Talk to your mom and dad. They may help with the between your birth and your earliest memories.
Ask and seek honest input from them as to why you have memory issues.
Ask for details concerning the periods of time you have no recollection of.
Use this newly attained insight to help yourself understand.
Seek a "down to earth" explaination and understanding of who you are and how your brain works (we are all different in a sense and alike in another sense). We all have periods of feeling detached and odd (at least I do)
And most important for your personal sense of well being.............

Forget about being a star child, robot, machine, alien or freak.
You are a human being.

That's the best advice I can give you

Originally posted by grubblesnert
reply to post by leftisright

 

Talk to your mom and dad. They may help with the between your birth and your earliest memories.
Ask and seek honest input from them as to why you have memory issues.
Ask for details concerning the periods of time you have no recollection of.
Use this newly attained insight to help yourself understand.
Seek a "down to earth" explaination and understanding of who you are and how your brain works (we are all different in a sense and alike in another sense). We all have periods of feeling detached and odd (at least I do)
And most important for your personal sense of well being.............

Forget about being a star child, robot, machine, alien or freak.
You are a human being.

That's the best advice I can give you

I have done most of these things. When it comes up with my parents they get very sad. Like when you do something for someone and they don't appreciate it. My mom will try to bring out the photo albums to prove she was "a good parent", it is because of this I stopped asking. It hurts them.

The only step I can imagine comes next would be hypnosis or regression therapy. Both costly.

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate it.

reply to post by leftisright

Thank you for sharing. Sounds pretty easy to figure out, you are connected to the Universe in ways many people simply do not comprehend.

Stay neutral in life and reserve judgements even about this, stick to your highest truth and always follow the direction of your heart in all matters.

Remember when on the path, when the lightning comes use the light to remain true to your course and not get caught up in what shows you your own inner glory which only feeds your ego. When lightning strikes, use that energy, that light to see your path and not become blinded by the light which is only a come and go, temporary at best unlike your higher potential.

Also, forget the past and enjoy the moment. Most people get stuck in life lugging around and processing so much garbage that it keeps their feet always pointed backwards. Follow the direction your feet are naturally positioned in and just feel fortunate that your past is past.

When enlightenment happens it will all become as clear and present as possible. The convergence of past present and future are all here now. the body and life experience is the vessel, you are the commander of the vessel in life or you can question so much that you become absorbed by the vessel.

reply to post by leftisright

I understand what your talking about when you wrote "My mom will try to bring out the photo albums to prove she was "a good parent", it is because of this I stopped asking. It hurts them. "

This seems to be the typical response with most parents, especially moms, To take the focus off of you and your problem and shift it onto themselves and their egos.
It was always an affront or insult of some sort to my mom ,and dad to a little less of an extent, to bring up questions & issues of my childhood or things about my "upbringing" that I didnt necassarily 100% approve of.

and forget about discussing differences in how my wife and I raise or kids vs the way they raised me.

It must be an almost universal truth that everyone's parents are sensitive self-center creatures with a rosy, fuzzy and ever changing, to fit the mood, recollection of your past life!

Keep on seeking your personal truth and endevouring to make your life the best you can whether it be hypnosis, time with a therapist, meditation etc..
Hey, we're all different so keep tryin'!..........you'll find a fit that works best for you,

In a very similar way to you I also have no early age recollections/memories of my early childhood until after I was 9 years of age. I have tried to remember, but nothing ever seems to come to the fore. I don't know why, but I think there are some hidden issues somewhere and I am just waiting for the answers to materialise sometime in the future...........fingers crossed....

I look forward to your future posts....

Cheers.......Enjoy your time in Madville...........

reply to post by leftisright


Welcome! You are going to like it here! There are so many great threads, and who knows you might find what you are looking for.