Never underestimate a woman's desire to be mistreated.

reply to post by WeRpeons


I bet that if you ask them about it they say "you don't understand". What they need to understand is that you do understand, better than they do sometimes.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by Deetermined

 

That's because she doesn't.

You're telling me that this woman does not have the ability to walk away from her home to make a telephone call from a neighbor's house or anywhere else? She's being held hostage and someone is there 24/7 holding her down?

reply to post by Deetermined


No, I'm saying that she has kids to take care of, a busted phone, and that I don't have a phone. Also, how many women that you know would even think to do that? Especially when in such a situation.

reply to post by dave_welch


You're making excuses for her and you don't even realize it.

reply to post by dave_welch


Here's some advice you gave to someone else...

That's my point though. Don't go back to him. Every abusive guy will do the same thing. He'll be an awful person until you're fed up, then he'll be just as nice as pie until he can get you back.

Don't continue that cycle. Only you are in control of your life. Move on, you may just find that you have been missing out on something much better. I know, God knows, I know that it's hard to move on. But, you have to base your life on your past experiences, and from what you've said here, those experiences are screaming at you to get away.

I hope I'm not coming off as mean or anything. I'm genuinely giving you the best advice I can give.

Now learn to take your own advice.

reply to post by Deetermined


Well, the thing is that I think she's being bullied into staying with this guy. He's done that several times before. Whether I end up with her or not is unimportant, really, I just want to help.

Hey Dave,

Sorry to hear about this struggle. I know you care deeply about this woman, but here's my observations (for what that's worth).

Granted, I do not know the lady in question and can only characterize her based on your description. However, it seems to me that she's got a lot going on....self esteem issues come to mind. The fact that she continues to see her abusive partner indicates, to me at least, that she's in an unhealthy mental state. Maybe she's just scared of losing his support, a father for her children, whatever.

The simple fact is, you cannot change her...she must change herself. You can support her, be her friend, encourage her....but in the end, it's up to her to get this guy out of her life. Now she may never get to the point where she's willing and able to leave him....which means you'll always be left out. Do you really want to spend your life waiting on her to figure things out?

Also...and this is going to hurt you....but right now she's using you as a security blanket. She knows you'll always be there for her, ready to bail her out when she needs it. That's not fair to you or to her. You deserve someone who will love you for you, and not someone who's "falling back" to you.

You need to make a decision here, and stick to it. Either be her friend and give up in the romance, or explain to her that you're only interested in a romance. Either way, don't let her come to you and cry on your shoulder....it's not helping her and its not helping you. Give her an ultimatum...let her know that you're serious about a relationship, but only if she's serious about being with you. That sounds very harsh, I know. It may take her a while to move past her current issues...drawing this line in the sand may very well be the impetus she needs to reclaim her life.

This is hard advice, and I'm sorry because I know it's going to hurt you tremendously to do this. But that's how life is sometimes...difficult choices with difficult answers.

Hugs to you, and keep us informed.

reply to post by dave_welch


If she's allowed him to do it before, she'll continue to allow him to do it.

Since you recognize this about her and other women in her situation as well, why do you want to keep fooling yourself that somehow she'll be different than the others?

Isn't it time you found someone who's never been in that situation?

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by Deetermined

 

Well, the thing is that I think she's being bullied into staying with this guy. He's done that several times before. Whether I end up with her or not is unimportant, really, I just want to help.

Suggest counseling for her...she needs someone to help her realize the unhealthy state she's in. But you can't change her...ultimately it's up to her.

reply to post by smyleegrl


The worst part is, you're most likely right. But, I can't really just give up on this kind of thing.

reply to post by dave_welch

Generally people get into certain wavelengths, its the only word lazy enough for me to explain it in. Females do it, and so do males. Its practically there fate, something that will be recurring till they completely cut themselves off from it, and its practically your fate that something similar will happen.

So to answer your questions.

Why is it that you will constantly use your friends, and then just go back to the deadbeat that is the cause of your problems?

Because they want to, duh! There reasons do not matter in fact reasons do not matter at all. Actions are a whole nother thing. And there actions will always speak true. It is the way of things.

Is there something wrong with the average woman's brain?

No more then there is something wrong with anybody's brain.

Do you women really enjoy being abused?

Some do. Some do not. Its a stage thing in a majority of them, of which is merely circumstantial.

Why do you seek the solace of a friend, and then ignore their advice?

Because there not your friend, nor are they really looking for your advice. There just there as an intermission, And because your just playing to the part that that they have in there heads...Like I said. Sometimes you get so caught up in certain things and in certain wavelength that it becomes your fate. And that goes for you and especially for her.

I've come to notice, that they all make the same mistake every time. Someone tell me why this is.

There are no mistakes, all of that is merely a matter of opinion. I think whatever you got with whoever your stuck on is just leading you on. Its a thing which females do, they usually have a mark. And to get to that mark they usually have a practice guy, someone to test out there theories on, someone who for whatever reason is willing to go along with all that they throw out. And that practice guy is you.

Um so ya! No mistake, she is doing what she wants to do. Its your mistake that you think otherwise. If you would look you would see that I am right, after all no one is forcing her in anything but her, she may be stuck in certain patterns. But even the reasons of that are all because she wants to. Just like you want to play the hero, and whatever other ideas you have in your head. You got to understand that the only place it exists is in your head. If it were otherwise you would have none of the problems that you are going on about, and neither would she.

reply to post by dave_welch


I once saw an episode of the Steve Show.

The girl was in love with this real bastard of a guy.

He would punch her.
Kick her.
Spit on her.
Put out a cigarette on her.
Mentally abuse her by calling her a piece of trash and other things we can't say on this website.
Overall do things that you wouldn't do to someone you were supposedly in love with.

However this woman didn't want to leave him because, she loved him.

But they did a lie detecter test to see if he was cheating on her with another woman and he failed.

Now what amazes me is that the woman in question was ok enough with him abusing her. But as soon as she found out that he cheated on her she was done.

So that was the straw that broke the camels back. And I was amazed that he could do anything he wanted. But as soon as he betrayed her love that was the end.

Go figure that one out.

reply to post by grey580


The bad thing is, I've seen that a lot. There's no way you can figure it out.

The answer to your problem lies with the fact that no matter how much you are interested with each particular woman, whether or not you see in them that gem of humanity you have been seeking in a woman to mate with, fulfill or complete your desired reality with a woman there is always a couple of factors.

Firstly in my experience if a woman falls in love with a guy no matter how much of a scumbag he is she will not see matters any other way unfortunately (I will say the same thing the other way around BTW) partly due to chemistry partly delusion and above all not wanting to be wrong about the choices they made.

Secondly I spent the best part of a year working a night shift to pay off student debt on a tarot card reading hotline, and the main lesson I learned was that when it comes to women there is ALWAYS a love triangle and I mean ALWAYS a love triangle. 90% and I really mean 90% every night.

All kinds of women and I mean all kinds : Cash register operators, Lawyers, Air Force personnel, Business women, Politicians (on rare occasion) Paramedics and House wives you name it (Less bored house wives than you would presume BTW).

My main point is the grass is always greener on the other side for women these days, and I do not blame them one bit for seeking a better life at every turn that's just the way things are.

If your seeking a relationship with a woman be prepared to share that time second guessing at every turn and expect the unexpected.........

reply to post by BlackCommander


Well, you're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?

Note to self, never work as a phone-in tarot reader. That sounds depressing.

reply to post by dave_welch


It never depressed me, although you are are effectively an unqualified shrink it certainly made me more than aware of the inner workings of a woman's mind.

Women just like us men have one thing on their minds most of the time (they hate to admit this) just that they have a completely different methodology to go about things, once you understand this life is much easier.......

reply to post by BlackCommander


I imagine it would be. Then again, you'd have to understand it first though. Seems like that may be a fool's errand.

reply to post by dave_welch

It is a long road but if you hold out long enough a gem comes along, the trick is not to miss it or bottle out at at the last minute that as a man is the hard part IMHO these days.

It seems the more cave man like the more attractive you become reverse logic if you like.

And sometimes women think they can "change" a man for the better, I have news for you ladies you cannot change a man, not long term anyway they can only better themselves.

reply to post by BlackCommander



That's for sure, women and their projects, right?

I never could pull the "cave man" approach, I'm always afraid I'll hurt someones feelings.

reply to post by dave_welch


That's just it from my experience, women want a man who will stand up for them even when they are completely misguided or wrong whatever the situation.

I think it is a hark back to caveman days if you are big and bad or just plain bad you can always just knock out the person causing the most immediate threat to your Mrs point of view, this behavior at any other time will be frowned upon and possibly used against you in a court of law at least be a cause of alarm, but on other occasions completely acceptable behavior if not expected IMHO.

Go figure......