Adora (beginning of my novel)

Anyhow... really loving it, BUT... I am going to bed now, so I will have to enjoy whatever more may come in the morrow!

Right on

In my opinion (and that is all it is), science fiction works best when it gets us to see things from a different perspective than we would otherwise. So far, the challenges that the girl faces are the same as people face today. Having said that, I don't know where you are going to take the story so my opinion may change. In either case, I hope you continue the story and I will continue to read. Best wishes.

Its all good, I appreciate the feedback.

She's supposed to start out as a very sensitive, regular girl. And she's supposed to face every day challenges, and while doing so, I paint a picture of regular life in Orbis (use of Transports, everyone being chipped, no pedestrians, etc). The problem you presented is legit, but I assure ya, it will be solved as the story progresses.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I really do like your writing style and was honestly trying to be constructive. I write and two of my daughters write, we all have different styles and I think yours works well.

Originally posted by AQuestion
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I really do like your writing style and was honestly trying to be constructive. I write and two of my daughters write, we all have different styles and I think yours works well.

No worries! You were being very constructive. Thanks

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I think what I liked the best was how you draw the reader into understanding the character. Something I would like to see is a little more explanation of why Linda and the others dislike her, what is there motivation?

Originally posted by AQuestion
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I think what I liked the best was how you draw the reader into understanding the character. Something I would like to see is a little more explanation of why Linda and the others dislike her, what is there motivation?

Well... they don't have much motivation, other than the fact that Linda comes from prestige, and because Adora doesn't look and act like they do, because she's separate from their clique, she's targeted for it.

Same petty motivation that all bullies have.

I'll be honest... I'm putting her in my shoes a little bit. I went through similar stuff, and the way Adora feels is very confused and constantly hurt, wondering why she's treated so badly and what she'd done to deserve it.

Linda and her friends are character examples of how evil ordinary people can be.

Extremely good story writing!

I didn't want to interrupt the story, with my input as I knew you were not done with it.

Now, will we see some art to go along with it?


You earned the S&F............. Well done....so far.

Continued~

...........


Adora turned the handle and stepped onto the roof.

It was magnificent; the sun blazed over the bright blue nation, and the buildings towered over one another ominously.

Adora approached the edge until she was about two feet from it, figuring that was plenty close enough to get a great view. The edge of the roof had no guard or railing. A fall was a fall.

After watching the city for a while, she sat, embraced her knees, placed her chin on her arms, and overlooked Orbis with a child-like innocence few Orbis citizens could compete with.

Time passed.

The loud silence of the school roof somehow brought on a series of flashbacks.

Linda had once cornered Adora in a bathroom by ordering her friends to block every side of it while Linda dumped a bucket of dirty mop water over the stall, soaking Adora.

Every time they passed her in the hall, Adora would hear someone's voice say "It!"

Yes... because she was "it."

She was a thing.

Less than a person.

What had she done to be considered a thing?

Nothing at all.

Simply by existing, she was offensive to those around her.

The buildings of Orbis began to blur as Adora's eyes filled with tears... the tears flowed down her cheeks, though she would not allow herself to sob.

Adora cried in silence, and for some reason, every few minutes, she'd turn and glance at the door, worried that some students might venture onto the roof just to watch her cry, like an audience watching a freak show for simple entertainment.

Her father's face popped into her head, breaking through the unpleasant memories.

Adora often wondered how her father would react if he ever learned anything about her school life.

Of course she'd never tell him... he worked so very much, and he provided for her in every way possible. The last thing she wanted to do was complain to him... to whine about how her life isn't perfect... to tie him down with even more emotional baggage... and he'd done more than his share to help her overcome her fears, all her life.

They had no other family, and because her mother passed away during child birth, her father had to meet all of Adora's needs single handedly.

Adora had always been very shy and sensitive... so much that it made her daily life nearly impossible to wither through. Simple things were a crisis.

In fact, it almost seemed as though the world around her was designed to attack her at every corner.

Adora made a face, staring into Orbis sadly.

Others seemed to deal with life pretty well.

Normally.

So... why was it so much more difficult for Adora to bear with daily life?

Was she so weak?

Was she truly that pathetic?

Is that, perhaps, why other students belittle her and refer to her as less than a person?

Adora rested her forehead on her knees, staring into her lap... she did not deserve to observe the beauty of Orbis.

She did not deserve the kindness shown to her by her father, or her teacher...

She did not deserve anything.

Her nails dug into her skin, gripping her arms so tightly they began to turn scarlet.

More tears stained her face, though she didn't allow herself to make a sound.

Her silent cries were heard by no one.

And as she sat atop her school, surrounded by the gorgeous, great nation of Orbis, more time passed, and Adora forgot to care.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I have sent you a U2U. I was sort of concerned that your story might be semi-autobiographical. You say that the antagonists don't have much reason for their actions. I want to tell you a true story, one I lived.

I knew this kid in school, we had no issues. I would have been about ten. One day as I walking home for no apparent reason he wanted to get in a fight. I told him I didn't see a reason to fight; but, he insisted. He wasn't as good at it as I was. While we were fighting his father came out and watched. I was shocked that he didn't stop us. My father would have and I would have paid the price later. The boy lost the fight and his father shocked me again. He began berating his son for losing the fight and told me to leave.

It was only because I saw how his father acted that I began to understand why he might have wanted to fight in the first place. Writing allows us some distance so that we can understand other people's motivations and hopefully have some sympathy. Nobody is completely bad or good, it is a series of choices. I used to be a stage manager and watched more plays than I can count. The actors have to play all kinds of characters and find complex motivations to bring them to life and reach all of the audience.

Here is the challenge, how do you reach bullies. They believe they are right, they do not see themselves as one dimensional and are not, none of us are. Being a writer is like being a psychologist, it is about understanding and explaining the motivations of people that we disagree with. Just some thoughts.

Continued~

........


It could have been days that passed by before her cries drifted away, and her heart began to calm. Adora rarely allowed herself to cry, but when she did, she completely refused to let anyone see.

The last thing she needed was to appear even weaker to her peers.

But she was glad she'd gotten it out of her system. Now, watching the great city, Adora seemed assured that life's challenges are always worth their rewards... and here, she had a glorious silver wonderland of a city she would one day explore to the absolute fullest.

Everything would be alright.

Adora let slip a smile as she watched her home, the silvery Orbis.

Her left hand loosened its grip on her arm, and her eyes seemed to focus on her left palm... and the small, inch-long scar on it.

Sometimes, she would press her thumb into her palm so hard it felt as though she'd bust a hole in her hand, just in an attempt to feel around for the chip in her hand... and occasionally, she'd find it, and move it around with her thumb out of boredom.

According to her teachers, every citizen's chip was implanted 1/3 of the way into their left hands.

Adora wondered if, one day, after fiddling with her chip one too many times, she'd accidently shift it into the wrong position, or even into one of her fingers. The thought of it usually made her refrain from messing with it much.

Her gaze switched to her father's big golden watch.

It was nearly ten thirty.

She'd stayed on the roof much longer than she planned to... she'd already missed her second period class, and almost all of her third.

Suddenly anxious, Adora reached her feet and made for the door. She certainly didn't want to be missing so long that it would cause the teachers to report an off record student, thus sending the entry guards amok the school, raiding every nick and cranny.

Last thing she wanted was for the men in black to be after her.

Adora ran down the stairs, entered the hallway, and stepped into the elevator.

The elevator took her to the seventh floor, and she stepped out just as the bell sounded, and students began to flood the hallway.

From here, she would go to her fourth class, where she would sit in class for a little while, then get called down to the office and receive punishment for vanishing from two of her classes. She was alright with that.

Adora tried to avoid running into anyone as she walked, as the hallway became very crowded awfully quick.

One student craned their neck, staring at Adora, then turned and began whispering to his friends, who all turned to stare as well, gaping at Adora as though they'd never seen anything quite like her before.

Another student stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Adora.

A few others gave her second looks, all wearing odd, unreadable expressions.

Adora blushed, her heart thumping. She wondered if she had something on her face that was causing all these people to stare... then ran a hand over her cheeks and mouth.

Her face was clear.

Why were so many people staring at her...?

Adora turned a corner, then her home room was in sight. She had to pass by her home room in order to get to her fourth period class.

A strange sight caught her eye.

Her teacher, Mr. James, was standing outside of his class during the class change, as always... though now, for some reason, he had some unusual company.

Three entry guards were standing around him, speaking to him.

Adora stopped, watching them curiously.

A few more students turned their heads, watching her.

Many students were trying to subtly hang around Mr. James' class room in order to observe the entry guards, as it was very strange for them to be on the seventh floor. Their presence meant something was seriously up, and this interested everyone within eye shot.

And, oddly, Adora was getting as many weird looks as the entry guards were.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Dear XxNightAngelusxX

Adora wondered if, one day, after fiddling with her chip one too many times, she'd accidently shift it into the wrong position, or even into one of her fingers. The thought of it usually made her refrain from messing with it much.

That one line shows me how deep you can be. You killed it. You are understanding the motivation of your character and asking how she could come to the conclusions that she does. It shows the vulnerability and confusion that we all face as we are learning to understand how things work in this world. It makes me like the sci-fi aspect better because you have an original take on what it could mean to individuals in normal circumstances.

Originally posted by AQuestion
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Dear XxNightAngelusxX

Adora wondered if, one day, after fiddling with her chip one too many times, she'd accidently shift it into the wrong position, or even into one of her fingers. The thought of it usually made her refrain from messing with it much.

That one line shows me how deep you can be. You killed it. You are understanding the motivation of your character and asking how she could come to the conclusions that she does. It shows the vulnerability and confusion that we all face as we are learning to understand how things work in this world. It makes me like the sci-fi aspect better because you have an original take on what it could mean to individuals in normal circumstances.

Thank you.

I figure, you have to BE your character. You have to feel everything they'd feel, and live entirely in their world... otherwise, your character can't become a real person to the readers, or even to the author.

I'm glad you pick up on stuff like that, too. That tells me how deep you can be.

Continued~

.........


After another moment of conversation, Mr. James located Adora, just a little ways down the hall... and if she hadn't imagined it, he seemed a bit different... his eyes went wide, and his mouth fell open... he looked almost horrified.

The guards looked her way, spotting her.

"You! FREEZE!" One of them yelled in a terrible voice that was dark and muffled by his mask.

The guard lifted his big, bulky gun, aiming... the barrel facing Adora head on--

Adora's heart skipped, her breath cut thin.

The other two guards rushed towards her...

Everyone in the hallway was staring now, some of them yelling things Adora didn't care to hear...

Adora spun around and bolted down the hallway, leaping around the corner she'd just emerged from, making for the elevator--

"STOP! STOP! AFTER HER, CUT HER OFF!"

Their heavy, rapid footsteps thundered throughout the halls, the students backing against the walls, scrambling to get out of their path...

Sheer panic overcame her as Adora flew into the elevator, her finger hammering the "No. 1" button.

She may have skipped class, but... really? They're chasing her around, pointing guns at her...?

To her great relief, the elevator doors rescued her for the second time today, sealing her within the glass and metal elevator, safe from her pursuers.

The elevator sank down, Orbis coming into a closer view as it did. Adora watched the city nervously, her heart throbbing, her legs beginning to shake... come on, stop it. Don't shake... I need to run...

The elevator reached floor 1, and the second the doors began to open, Adora slipped through them and dashed down the hall.

If she could only reach the front doors...

There might have been entry guards standing patrol near the school's entrance. If that were the case, she'd just have to force herself to run full speed out the doors, in the hopes that they wouldn't have the time to shoot her in the back with a hot bullet...

A hot bullet was the type of ammunition that guns used in Orbis. As Adora knew, guns were plasma weapons, and energy powered... hot bullets were hot lumps of metal, designed to melt, and, if used properly, completely disintegrate their target.

Somehow, the thought of hot bullets seemed to initiate an unthinkable running speed from her...

Adora cut the corner sharply, eyes locked on the doors--

Two firm hands clamped onto her shoulders, yanking her to a stop.

Adora gasped, snapping her eyes shut, preparing for the worst...

"Adora!"

She knew that voice.

It couldn't be...

Her eyes opened... she stared at the man who'd grabbed her, still holding her tightly, looking alert as ever.

"Let's go, sweetheart." Her father said, shoving her towards the doors.

"What's going-?"

"Later, baby. We have to go." He said, ushering her outside.

On the way to the Transport, her father kept a hold of her, his hand coiled around her wrist, and the two of them speed-walked to the Transport, which was, weirdly, sitting empty on the rail line, door wide open, and the inside totally empty.

Her father lead her into the Transport, then followed her inside. The door shut, and the Transport shot like a bullet down the rail line.

It was not the Transport Adora usually used--it was the opposite one, the one that traveled in the opposite direction, in an area of Orbis she'd never been in before.

After sitting quietly for a minute, Adora spoke.

"Daddy, what's going on?"

"Later, baby." He said, staring forward intently.

She'd never seen him so serious.

Obviously, something was very wrong. Her father had never left work during the day... never. And he certainly never showed up in the middle of her school day.

Also, she'd never seen the guards at her school point their guns at anyone before.

Her sixteen-year-old routine had been disturbingly disrupted somehow, and one thing was certain; something was very, very wrong.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I am interested in where you are going with this. Keep surprising me.

~
.....

The Transport traveled down a curvy line, which seemed to, after a few minutes, run along the back road, behind many buildings. Adora watched, fascinated by the new area.

The Transport drew closer to a monumental, jagged-shaped silver building.

"Where are we--"

"This is my work, baby." Her father told her, stroking her shoulder.

"Why are we at your work?" Adora asked.

Her father said nothing.

Adora eyed him.

"Isn't this the back side of the building?" Adora asked, facing the window, examining the place. She'd never been to his work before, but she was sure that every Transport was supposed to run along the front of the buildings, not the back. There were no Transport stops or blue signs at the back of any buildings.

"This Transport isn't supposed to stop at my work... its just making a pit-stop here." Her father explained. "That's why its in the back."

"Why not just take the Transport that leads to the front?" Adora asked. "What are we doing here, anyway? Why are we--"

"Later, baby." He said. "Get ready, we have to get out in a second. And listen to me, sweetheart... stay by my side, and keep up with me... and be very quiet, you understand?"

Adora gave her father a concerned look, nodding.

The Transport began to slow, and once it was in line with her father's work building, it stopped.

It was strange; it stopped in the middle of a rail line on a back road. And even stranger, the door didn't open itself as it was supposed to.

Adora's father stood, placed his index fingers on two rectangular creases on each side of the door, pressed them down, then forced the door open with one great heave.

Adora had never seen anyone open a Transport door manually before.

After prying the door open, her father stepped outside, onto the chrome-colored road, then gestured for Adora to follow. He grabbed her hand and pulled her swiftly out of the Transport.

Adora felt slightly vulnerable. She knew very well how quickly the Transports traveled, and here she was, standing in the middle of one of their roads. She shuddered at the thought of any human being being hit by a Transport mid-travel. They'd get ripped to shreds. Completely obliterated.

"Come on, baby." Her father kept hold of her hand, leading her off the road and into a nearby field of grass, which lead to the back of her father's work building.

Adora barely remembered the last time she walked upon grass... she was a child, playing at the park where her father used to take her...

To feel the blades of grass sweeping against her shoes was quite abnormal... she was so used to the cold, hard cement every day... grass was not very common in Orbis...

"This way." Her father said, veering to the left, dodging the sight of his work's cameras.

They headed towards a broken up, thick metal door at the bottom of some worn, wooden stairs leading underground... underneath the building.

Adora blinked.

We're going into his work's basement...?

Her father riflied through one of his coat pockets, locating a small, shiny gold object that she'd never seen. He put the object in a small, oddly shaped hole in the door, turned it, then pushed the door open.

He pocketed his key, grabbed his daughter's hand again, and guided her inside, closing the heavy door behind him.

It was frighteningly dark inside of this mysterious, underground place... but it wasn't pitch black. The frightening part was how the place seemed to have a faint, maroon colored glow.

As her father lead her down a walkway she could barely see, Adora gazed around, seeing gigantic crates, boxes, and old metal contraptions that had gathered quite a lot of dust...

They walked for nearly ten minutes before they reached another set of old wooden stairs, and Adora was careful not to fall down them as she followed her father deeper and deeper into the pit of the underground liar.

A zillion questions entered her mind, though she did well not to voice them. Her father had told her to keep quiet, after all.

At long last, they approached what looked like an extremely old elevator, coated with patches of rust and dirt.

Her father pressed a button on the wall, and a light flickered on at the top of the elevator doors. It was the brightest thing around, and compared to the rest of the place, it was almost blinding. Adora couldn't bring herself to look directly at it.

The old-timey elevator doors creaked open, and the inside of this elevator was nothing like the ones from school, or her apartment... it was completely dark, secluded, and scary.

Her father stepped into the elevator, dragging her in behind.

Adora wanted more than anything now to speak; she was terrified of entering this elevator. But nevertheless, she kept silent and swallowed her fears as the elevator doors closed, locking them in the pitch black, and then the elevator began to descend downwars, further and further into the heart of this underground place... into God knows where

I am enjoying the read X, thank you for sharing this.

Small issues with spell check aside, this is shaping up really well. You captured the breathlessness of the escape wonderfully. I also think its really interesting, the way you have created your sixteen year old Adora, but have managed to account for the sheltered nature of an upbringing in a utopian tyranny in her personality, and the way she reacts to stimuli, both positive and negative. There is a naivety about her, which is absent in the inner city child of today. That you installed this personality into this character is impressive, and the contrast it creates between this day and age, and the future represented in your story is so stark that it shakes you by the neck.

Great job so far!

Continued~

......


The both of them stood in silence as the elevator continued down, and Adora began to wonder exactly how deep this place was.

After a few long minutes, it finally slowed to a stop, and the doors opened themselves roughly, releasing the sound of crunchy metal. Her father stepped out, into a dark, dingy hallway, pulling Adora with him. They headed down this hallway as Adora's heart thumped uncomfortably.

It was a narrow, dark hallway, which gave off an odd, mildew smell, the moist air filling their nostrils. Adora could not see ahead, and hoped that her father somehow could.

Crlnkk.

The noise was distant... very far off, yet the noise of clanking metal bounced off the walls, making her father stop on a dime.

Adora looked at him, worried.

Her father reared like a cat, his eyes glistening with suspicion, his expression revealing a deep, intense sensation of anxiousness.

"They're here." He said in a quiet, grave voice, staring down the hallway, looking mortified. "They're... looking for us."

"Who?" Adora asked softly, her voice cracking, her hands beginning to shake, fear setting in.

Her father said nothing, taking a moment to think.

"Come on sweetheart... stay with me. Be quiet." He told her, then continued down the hallway, a vice-like grip on Adora's wrist, and now walking a bit faster, as though he was in some kind of hurry... though he seemed to be making a painful effort to make each step light and silent.

They continued down this hallway for another few minutes before another Cllnk was heard from somewhere else in this smelly, underground labyrinth... this time a bit louder, a bit closer... her father marched a little faster, determined to reach their destination before their pursuers could find them... whatever the destination was... whoever the pursuers were...

After a bit, they emerged in a large, dimply lit room. This room looked much more like the rest of Orbis than any other part of this place... it was, despite the low light, shiny and chrome colored, sleek and clean, and if Adora wasn't going delusional, she could have sworn that, on the other side of this room, was a Transport...

A Transport? Indoors? Underground?

It was not an ordinary Transport, either. All Transports in Orbis were a bright, silverish-blue color... but this Transport was a little bit smaller, and it was colored a glimmering jet black. It sat on a rail line that ran down a peculiar, dark tunnel at the end of the room...

Adora's heart leaped.

An escape Transport...?

"Come on, baby." Her father said, starting towards the Transport.

"Wait." Adora responded, halting her step.

When she didn't follow her father, he turned, facing her, giving her an alarmed look.

"Baby, we have to go." He said in a frantic, hushed voice.

"Why?" Adora asked. "Where does that Transport lead? What's going on?"

"Kiddo, we don't have time right now--"

"Daddy, just tell me what's going on!"

"I can't right now--"

"Please!" Adora pleaded.

Her father gave a nervous glance to the hallway from where they came, looked at her, and sighed.

"I broke a rule, baby... at my work, I got in some trouble. Now they're after us, and we have to go." He told her.

"What did you--?"

"No time, come on."

Her father wrapped an arm around her torso, pushing her towards the Transport. He pressed a button on the outside of the Transport, and the door shifted open. It did not open from the bottom up like ordinary Transports; the door slid to the side, revealing a fresh, spotless interior, with black leathery seats so new they still smelled like skin straight off a cow.

"Get in."

Her father shoved her into the Transport.

Adora stepped in, then turned to him, giving him a questioning face.

She hadn't heard the noise.

Plasma guns were relatively quiet.

Continued~

.......


Her father, leaning with one arm against the exterior of the black Transport, seemed to freeze. Adora watched him, waiting for him to climb into the Transport with her... but he didn't.

He'd felt it...

In his back, he knew... his body had been pierced...

Thick drops of blood oozed down his back, staining the floor beneath him... Adora looked down, the spots of blood on the floor...

De-ja-vu hit her...

Blood...

Her father hit his knees, craned over the threshold of the Transport... his mouth agape, his breath off beat...

He'd been shot in the back...

They were behind him.

"Baby... t-take this." He said, slipping his hand into his pocket and pulling out a small pocket knife. He tossed it onto the floor of the Transport, at Adora's feet.

Adora looked petrified, trembling, looking into her father's eyes for any form of security, explanation, or hope she might find in his gaze.

Her father stared into her, his eyes profound, burning into her, his glasses askew... he appeared positively serious.

"Cut the chip out of your hand the second you're out of here... and destroy it." He ordered her.

Adora looked frightened.

Her father swallowed, giving her a last, faint smile.

"I love you."

He slammed his hand on the big, square-shaped button on the outside of the Transport, and the door closed, sealing his daughter safely inside.

Adora banged her hands against the door, though there was no way to open it from the inside... she began to yell for her father, shouting at him to open the door, though no sound escaped the Transport.

The blood underneath him became a puddle, and he sat, kneeling in it, ignoring the crimson blotching his clothing, watching his baby girl cry and beg for him to open up...

A man in a white coat, followed by a few armed enforcers, stepped out of the hallway... the man carried a small, hand-held firearm... they'd found him.

Adora's father watched as the Transport emitted what sounded like a great rush of steam, then, it started down the dark rail line, and Adora continued thrashing her little fists against the inside of the door as the Transport flew down the black tunnel and out of sight.

As the black Transport departed, carrying his daughter to safety, her father allowed his eyes to drift shut, releasing a cloud of breath, hearing the men approaching him from behind... though now, his daughter was out of the line of fire, and whatever fate he'd now face was well, well worth it... and with a final, heavy breath, darkness took over, and he knew no more.


...............................




AAAAAND that's the end of chapter 1.

I think, if I post chapter 2, I'll post it on this thread rather than making a new thread. Do you guys wanna see chapter 2? If so, I'll keep updating. Whaddoya think, readers?

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


A) Friggin awesome death scene.
B) Chapter two is needed.

Originally posted by TrueBrit
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

A) Friggin awesome death scene.
B) Chapter two is needed.

MMMkay.

I'll work on chapter two. I'll put it on this thread, too.

I'm so excited about this story now.

It was kinda inspired by a lot of things... conspiracies in general, especially the new world order. In fact, Orbis in Latin means "new world." It spawned from the aftermath of a world wide nuclear war.

Also inspired by the game Mirror's Edge, and by Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas. And bits and pieces of my personal life... along with Doctor Who, believe it or not. Because if has a lot of moral conflicts and humanity struggles between goodness and sin.

I'm gonna make this epic.