Advice for a disabled Veteran.

Hello All,

First off, thank you for taking the time to read my thread, and in advance for any advice offered.

A little background:

I'm a 25 year old Iraqi war veteran, I am classified as disabled by the Veterans Administration because of my issues with P.T.S.D and severe nerve damage in my back. I also, have problems with my knees they tend to buckle a few times a day, leading to some great face plants or landing on my ass.

I've been married for about 4 years, and been with my wife for almost 6 years, we lived together over a year before we got married. We have two kids together, they are one year and 11 months apart. one boy and one girl.

The problem:

A few weeks ago, she was caught, on face book with an "old friend" also another vet, who was my friend. he was trying to convince her to leave me, and she seemed to be going for it. They also engaged in a semi-relationship of sorts, the kind that you normally find online.

The only reason, she was caught, was that went out for a smoke. She asked me to check a game she plays and left the message up. which got my attention, this happened before, and I would always, tell her to respond. It was not unusual for me to relay messages.

in the messages, she made mention that she didn't think she loved me any more. As well, as urging him to "help" her. I didn't read the whole thing, which was extensive and lasting many days, or weeks. When confronted, she at first claimed innocence, than came clean. Saying that she knew what she was doing was wrong and was going to tell me/ show me after she ended their tryst.

I find this hard to believe but having been cheated on before, by another girl, against my better judgement gave her the benefit of the doubt.


well, this all happened a few weeks ago now, and she seemed to be telling the truth, going out of her way to prove that she was sorry. posting on other sites, we frequent such as an RPG site where we roll play to to help us improve our writing. She has a blog over there, where she told people what she did, and why and so forth.

Well today, I get up and she is acting odd, weird for her, depressed what have you. She tells me she is going to take a shower, she spends a few hours in the shower, which is not out of character for her when she isn't feeling well.

Than when she gets out, I ask her if she was Ok, than got hit with a few generality's and blown off, when I press the matter, she makes vague statements about me cheating on her, and that she shouldn't feel so tore up inside because she got busted. Which would be fine, if I had ever cheated on her, but I have never done so. She connected a few of my doctors appointments and claimed, I never went. except, that I have my doctor notes, from the VA that I get every time, I go to the doctor for any thing.

So there it is in a nut shell.

My take on it:

I think, she is projecting on my because, what she said was true that she doesn't love me any more, nor does she want to stay in a relationship with me. I think that she is trying desperately to try and find any thing she can to justify her actions and make a clean break where she doesn't look like the bad guy. I'm loved by her family.

Let me know what you all think?

I think that your take on it is exactly correct. I wish I didn't have to say that, I wish I could say it's no big deal and don't worry things will work out. But it just doesn't seem that way to me.

I think that if she cannot stick with you through the tough times you are going through, then perhaps you are better off without her. I just want to say I feel terrible that you're being treated this way, and I wish you the best of luck in your health. I know how hard PTSD and health issues can be, especially when they occur together. I hope that you are able to find a positive solution in your situation.

As do I, Maybe its the stress as I'm not the perfect husband, no is any man. Yet I try my damnist, I give every thing for her and the kids.

reply to post by Reaper2137


Some women are just like that. (I am allowed to say that because I am a woman). I just hope that you will not let her actions hurt your recovery. Perhaps you should just sit down and have an honest conversation with her. It sounds like you are very in love with her, but it also sounds like she is not so sure of her feelings. This uncertainty is not fair to either of you, or your children.

Does the military offer any kind of couples therapy? It might be something to consider if you feel that the relationship is worth saving. I imagine that they would also be able to approach the situation knowing exactly what kinds of trials military couples face and give you the best chance of figuring out where things went wrong.

Good luck and I hope things work out well for you both

~OkieDokie

reply to post by Reaper2137


Sorry, but I think she left that message up for you on purpose.
I think she feels guilty that she doesn't feel the way she used to, about you.
Maybe she can not handle confrontations, and is trying to manipulate situations so you will end it with her.
I am female, and I have known women do things like this, especially if children are involved.

Just a couple of things to say here. First, I would agree with your assessment of the situation, though it pains me to say it. Second, I dont know how your relationship has panned out so far, what you and she have been through, but I will say this. No matter what you guys have been through, its a pretty crappy thing for this fellow shes been talking to, to ask her to leave you. Not much honour in that sort of behavior at all, and not much sense either.

I feel bad for you man. I have been left out in the cold several times, but whats happening with you and your situation is frankly appalling, and I am sorry you are going through it.

On the other hand, if she was capable of behaving in this manner toward you, I would say you are better off out of it. Selfishness and secrecy, not to mention not having the guts to actually come to you and tell you when she was having trouble with the relationship, shows weaknesses of character which frankly have no place in a committed relationship, hell, they have no place in a human being as far as I am concerned, but I can be overly judgemental in some respects, so we will call that a personal insight, rather than advice.

I hope the situation resolves itself in a way which allows you to continue to live your life, without sinking into depression. Its easy to get to that place mind you, and sometimes its necessary to process the emotional state before moving on, but its a pain in the arse and a massive use of your time, which, by the looks of it, has been wasted more than enough already.

Much love man, and good luck.

reply to post by Reaper2137

I think, she is projecting on my because, what she said was true that she doesn't love me any more, nor does she want to stay in a relationship with me. I think that she is trying desperately to try and find any thing she can to justify her actions and make a clean break where she doesn't look like the bad guy. I'm loved by her family.

Let me know what you all think?

I think you're right on the money. (sadly)

First, I'd recommend having an honest conversation with her. Acknowledge how she feels, and try and learn why. Something you did, didn't do? Something that happened? Or, is it that she was feeling a bit down, then suddenly the attention from this other guy gave her the romance she was looking for? Lots of things here....doesn't mean it's all broken.

The suggestion for counseling is a good one. At least for the kids sake. But, if you find it is broken, better to end sooner than stay resentful of each other. Either way, you should communicate and have the info to make that decision.

She might be projecting, or this supposed friend of yours could be feeding her crap about you cheating. I knew several wife-stealers who would make those kind of comments to help push the girl to do what they want. You should talk to her, about your feelings and hers. Also, marriage counseling might help you both in learning how to communicate to each other. Most of the time, lack of communication and the feeling of being in a rut is what hurts a marriage. Keep us posted.

reply to post by Reaper2137


First off reaper let me thank you for your service , and let you know that you are appreciated by people like me. I also am sorry to hear about your back, as i had back issues and am recovering from a spinal fusion. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship and having to find out something so terrible.I can't imagine how complicate things get when you have kids involved, however i know how betrayed you must feel. I'd say your intuition serves you right. I had a girlfriend a few years back that was overly jealous, and would constantly question where /what/who i was with and accuse me of being unfaithful.Come to find out she in fact was the one who was being unfaithful and her guilt manifest itself in our relationship as her having mistrust for me.

Sometimes you are in a relationship so long that it becomes easier to stay than to go through the mess of breaking up. Hopefully you two can work it out, but i'd say you are better off now knowing than you were being in the dark. I wish you the best of luck

reply to post by Reaper2137


Thanks for your sacrifice. Not just in service. Sounds like your making another one. seems like alot of the hardest sacrifices you guys and gals make are actually unwilling....and most of the time unexpected. its like the more your willing to give up for the country and cause...the more is asked, and sometimes in a not so direct way...those are the hardest. Thank you again and best wishes.