Okay. I need help here. I am desperate.

I'll second Benri's post. Get a job so you don't have to be around the house and save up so you can get your own place when you get old enough. It is time to prepare to fly the coop little birdy. It will take a few years of saving and a good job history to accomplish this smoothly. Go try to get a permit to work from the school, I assume you are a teenager by your posts. The work experience will help you to be independent when you get old enough to go on your own.

Everyone;

You are not beyond repair. I was raised in a home similar to yours in many ways. I sought counselling, found support and walked the walk all others recommended. I finally felt fine when I cut contact, which was the right decision for me. Two years later and 40 years old, I can sincerely say for the first time that I no longer feel tainted and scarred - just relieved to have found some peace. Try different remedies. You'll know when you've found the right one for yourself.

I've said ever since I was ten that I was gonna run away and never look back. But things are unresolved. I can't bring myself to do that.

I regret not spending more time with my grandmother before she died, because I had every opportunity to. You never know when loved ones are gonna die.

I want all this settled before I move on with my life.

Angel, I honestly believe your parents are more damaged than you think. They are so emotionally unstable,yet continue to be together. An individual who is mentally and spiritually healthy would--in a heartbeat--start a new path and not continue living a stressful life.

They're a lot more unstable when they're apart.

I guess its hurting me more than usual because I can see how much they love each other, and they can't figure out how to stop hurting one another. Like two porcupines trying to hug one another. They don't know how to remove the spikes.

Again that's all part of the damage they have already cause, your 19, you have no idea what the future holds. If you don't care about yourself that's even better, than there's no ego to get in the way, if your already a lost cause than what harm is there I trying to seek help, worst case your in the same boat, best case you get better.

I'm aware I can't really help my bro and sis much, but my mom and dad WANT to help them. They just can't figure out exactly how, just like they can't figure themselves out. Everything is spiraling around up in the air right now. I think the schools I went to and my step mother has more to do with my damage than my parents.

Seemes to me like you were brought up with tough love...Well...Time for you to use their way against them...Use tough love..Tell them exactly how it al makes you feel, tell them that if they truely love each other that they will be willing to seek professional help. You seem like a level headed person, you are going to school and want to graduate, keep that goal, that's important most of all...What ever your parents decide is out of your hands but the one thing you can do is confront them both at the same time on the issues at hand.

I think I just need to force myself to confront my dad. I have a natural fear of confrontation with him... that's why God put this situation in front of me, to conquer it. I need to sit him down and tell him how stupid he is.

And hell... I already stopped caring what he thought of me a long time ago. And after the stuff he let that step mother do to me, he wouldn't have any right putting me down now like he did when I was little.

He dropped out in ninth grade. Here I am, finishing 12th grade.

None of MY friends have died from drug-related causes.

And I'm not driving my fiance away, like he's driving his away.

He'd have a lot of nerve to call me a failure now.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

Counseling isn't really an option for us. My mother and father are absolutely stellar when they're happy... and they're much better at looking past their pride than they used to be. They seem like they belong together when they don't fight. They seem like they need each other more than food or water.

When a couple has been together that long and still have violent fights, it is all wrong..I know this I lived this. When it is right you are "steller together" and a fight is a simple disagreement that gets worked out by talking.

There are always counseling options, you could start by getting your own, like one person mentioned hotlines, thay can lead you to some other options possibly.

It made all the difference to me, I began to see things clearly for the first time! I was abused but was hiding the fact even from myself.
My Ex was my whole life...like you are saying of your parents, but now I am with someone who brings me peace and happiness not waves of High and Low.

Originally posted by Char-Lee
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Counseling isn't really an option for us. My mother and father are absolutely stellar when they're happy... and they're much better at looking past their pride than they used to be. They seem like they belong together when they don't fight. They seem like they need each other more than food or water.

When a couple has been together that long and still have violent fights, it is all wrong..I know this I lived this. When it is right you are "steller together" and a fight is a simple disagreement that gets worked out by talking.

There are always counseling options, you could start by getting your own, like one person mentioned hotlines, thay can lead you to some other options possibly.

It made all the difference to me, I began to see things clearly for the first time! I was abused but was hiding the fact even from myself.
My Ex was my whole life...like you are saying of your parents, but now I am with someone who brings me peace and happiness not waves of High and Low.

Oh no no no!!! They're not violent with each other at all.

I've been in physical confrontations with both of them, but it was a long time ago. They never fight with each other like that.-

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


What you have to understand is that by being in the situation you are part of the problem, your views are skewed because of your nearness to it all.

Frankly your parents are junk, and that's being kind, from a logical perspective any parent that takes their own wants over the well being of their child is worthless at the job of being a parent.

Remember you asked for advice, the only way to fix it is to remove yourself from the situation get your self better so that you can help all involved.

Look my wife was in the same boat as you at 17, it's been a long hard road, but at 30 she is a home owner, has a successful job, and we have been happily married for the past 10 years. She is finally at the point in her life where she is proud and happy with herself and the first step was leaving the train wreck of a house she was raised in.

I'm not saying abandon them, I am saying you need a strategic retreat to lick your wounds and reassess the situation.

Originally posted by darkbake

Originally posted by benrl

Again that's all part of the damage they have already cause, your 19, you have no idea what the future holds. If you don't care about yourself that's even better, than there's no ego to get in the way, if your already a lost cause than what harm is there I trying to seek help, worst case your in the same boat, best case you get better.

You have no hope of helping the situation for your siblings unless you get to a better place.

I agree with Benrl, as weird as it sounds, you should get yourself to a healthier environment. You'll be able to help your parents easier if you have a different perspective. In the meantime, breathe. It's okay. Your parents are adults, they should be able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them themselves. You'll be okay :-)

If you want to improve your situation, be a good role model :-) I'm sure you can do it.

I admire your ability to care so much - but I think you are being too hard on yourself for other's flaws.

If you can detach yourself from the situation you might be able to give less biased advice, too :-)

Good luck.

Originally posted by benrl
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

What you have to understand is that by being in the situation you are part of the problem, your views are skewed because of your nearness to it all.

Frankly your parents are junk, and that's being kind, from a logical perspective any parent that takes their own wants over the well being of their child is worthless at the job of being a parent.

Remember you asked for advice, the only way to fix it is to remove yourself from the situation get your self better so that you can help all involved.

Look my wife was in the same boat as you at 17, it's been a long hard road, but at 30 she is a home owner, has a successful job, and we have been happily married for the past 10 years. She is finally at the point in her life where she is proud and happy with herself and the first step was leaving the train wreck of a house she was raised in.

I'm not saying abandon them, I am saying you need a strategic retreat to lick your wounds and reassess the situation.

I know that, I posted that in the OP. Objective perspectives.

But also, there's a certain level of understanding that comes from being in the situation, that my ATS advice givers won't be able to grasp. My parents aren't junk. They're damaged human beings.

I don't want to leave the situation UNTIL its resolved. You never know how long they're gonna be around. This needs to get resolved as soon as possible.

You have to stop worrying about your parents feelings and worry about yourself. That sounds harsh and cruel, I know. But you've got a cancerous situation here and the only way to deal with cancer is to cut it out. You have to hurt on order to heal.

I know your parents are hurting, but they need to know how they are hurting you and your siblings. Which means you have to tell them.

Writing a letter to each might be easier than telling them face to face.

Your family needs an intervention with a counselor. Do you have a minister or responsible family friend you trust that can help?

And as adults their damage is not your responsibility to fix, they are grown ass people who are not handling their responsibilities.

That burden should Never fall on their off spring to handle. I may be reading into the op too much but sounds like their is plenty of co-dependency and emotional manipulation being thrown around, it is a toxic situation that there are no quick fixes for. Talking to them, telling them how you feel etc, will have no effect with out actions like counseling.

I'll put it this way, do you want your siblings to be faced with the same dilemma as you when they are your age? If not the best thing to do is show them that they can escape from it all by being the example.

Start a life with your fiancé that can be a light on them to guide their way, it may even show your parents how.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
You have to stop worrying about your parents feelings and worry about yourself. That sounds harsh and cruel, I know. But you've got a cancerous situation here and the only way to deal with cancer is to cut it out. You have to hurt on order to heal.

I know your parents are hurting, but they need to know how they are hurting you and your siblings. Which means you have to tell them.

Writing a letter to each might be easier than telling them face to face.

Your family needs an intervention with a counselor. Do you have a minister or responsible family friend you trust that can help?

I don't want to worry about myself. I know, I'm sorry, I sound like a childish idiot, but Its really too overwhelming to think about my personal well being. If I start thinking about myself, I become a pretty selfish person, and I hate being that way. Plus I'm beyond myself now. I have a wonderfully flawless fiance and some amazing friends, so I don't have a right to complain about my personal problems, because I have things others would kill for, like friends and an almost husband--and a DECENT one, at that.

My family is suffering, that's what I'm worried about.

I have to go home now... school is about to let out, and my chest pains are back again... and I'm coming down from the caffeine shots too. I think I might need a nap before I get back online... maybe... peace guys.

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
I'm hard on myself because I hate seeing myself screw up. I've always had a hand in their problems. I was the rebel kid, and to this day I still wear my spikes. But I'm not actively trying to hurt their relationship. I'm just trying to be myself, and if I don't censor myself, some s*** ends up hitting the fan. The girl in my avatar sums me up pretty well.

The way that your parents treated each other and you caused you to manifest certain tendencies and behaviors as a way to express your disapproval of them. You were not a source of their problems. You. Were. A. Child. You coped the way a child would cope. You lashed out the way a child would lash out. What child on earth knows how to counsel two grown adults in their social relations skills?

Abusive parents have troubled children, and the parents are often too enthusiastic to point their fingers at their child, whether they're 14 or 4. See, part of the abusive personality refuses to be accountable for their behavior. They're excellent at convincing their victim that the victim made the abuser abuse them. THAT is why your parents are so unhappy without each other - they need their adult victim too. The abuser/victim role is rarely relinquished in a codependent marriage - it's its lifeblood.

To echo Benrl's advice, please take care of yourself. Do not give up on the pursuit of your own emotional and spiritual wellness. Put nothing and nobody ahead of what you reasonably believe you need right now to feel calm. You need the sense of wellness your parents were tasked with instilling within you. It's hard to scrape it up for yourself while believing it isn't your birthright. It is.

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX

Originally posted by smyleegrl
You have to stop worrying about your parents feelings and worry about yourself. That sounds harsh and cruel, I know. But you've got a cancerous situation here and the only way to deal with cancer is to cut it out. You have to hurt on order to heal.

I know your parents are hurting, but they need to know how they are hurting you and your siblings. Which means you have to tell them.

Writing a letter to each might be easier than telling them face to face.

Your family needs an intervention with a counselor. Do you have a minister or responsible family friend you trust that can help?

I don't want to worry about myself. I know, I'm sorry, I sound like a childish idiot, but Its really too overwhelming to think about my personal well being. If I start thinking about myself, I become a pretty selfish person, and I hate being that way. Plus I'm beyond myself now. I have a wonderfully flawless fiance and some amazing friends, so I don't have a right to complain about my personal problems, because I have things others would kill for, like friends and an almost husband--and a DECENT one, at that.

My family is suffering, that's what I'm worried about.

I have to go home now... school is about to let out, and my chest pains are back again... and I'm coming down from the caffeine shots too. I think I might need a nap before I get back online... maybe... peace guys.

Here's what you don't understand, sweetheart. The only person you can help here is YOURSELF. You can influence your parents, set a positive example for your siblings, but change? That's on you and you alone.

I applaud you for not wanting to be selfish. You obviously have a loving heart, and I understand why you want to fix things for your family. But darling, you can't. You can't make your parents get along. You can't make your father stop his pill abuse. You can't make your home a safe or loving environment. You need to understand this. Its not up to you to save your family.

This is incredibly hard to learn. It sounds horribly selfish, I know. But its true. The only person you can change is yourself. You can be a positive influence on your family, and especially for your younger siblings, but that's it.

I'm very glad to hear you have a wonderful relationship with your fiance to help ground yourself. My personal advice, if you don't want to explain things to your parents and can't get a councelor or minister to intercede....stay away from that house as much as possible.

Your priority has to be YOURSELF. Here's why. Imagine a doctor working in the emergency department. She spends all her time tending to sick and injured patients. One day, she catches a bad cold. She knows she needs to take a few days off to feel better, but she doesn't want to let her colleagues and patients down. So she goes to work sick.

While she's sick and running a fever, her judgement is clouded. She makes mistakes. Minor mistakes, mostly, but then something terrible happens. She misdiagnoses a patient and the patient dies.

The patients death can be directly traced back to the doctor's mistake...which probably wouldn't have happened if she felt better.

Sweetheart, you're the doctor and you need to heal yourself before you can help others. I know you want to keep it together for your family, but consider...are you truly helping the situation, or just enabling the cycle to continue?

Send me a message, I'll be home in about two hours and we can talk on the phone if you need to. I've been in a similar situation, you can vent to me all you want.

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
.. I think my problem is, I HATE LIVING IN LIMBO.

Sometimes, living in limbo has it's purpose even if it isn't clear at the time.

Sometimes, the only thing to do....is nothing. Let the answers to the questions find YOU.

About 20 years ago, after a constant rollercoaster of emotional pain and stress from endless tragedy, victimisation and general badness in the world......it was time for a sh*t or bust showdown with all my demons.

I incubated.

I did what I needed to do to live life, but I incubated. I slept long, although it would always take ages to drop off, I didn't do much but be alive. As time went by, I realised people I thought were friends, weren't, even family didn't offer much in the way of comfort, not that it was their fault and I accepted that albeit reluctantly, they just weren't deep enough to deal with where I was.

Months went by and the grey fuzz of my mind that had been nagging me to find all the answers faded in time and gave way to a clarity I had never imagined before, I found a new lease of life created from inside myself.

The rollercoaster of life had been a bumpy ride into that pit of hell, but after kicking the devil in the balls and refusing to end my life to end the pain, I slowly and surely clawed my way out of that black hole and using the momentum I had on the way down I took an unblinkered ride back to the surface and fresh air.

Strange thing was, it didn't end there. I carried on out and up.

All because I did nothing.

Sometimes the time isn't right to have the answers we seek and patience in our own strength must take priority over our need to know those answers. Not easy, and not something many can do, just like confronting our devils in a completely honest fashion without fooling ourselves.

I hope things work out for all of you and that all the things that are currently nagging you become clear. I know I've waffled a bit, but if an extra perspective and a few experiences can help others then I'm glad.

I book I read some years after my inner journey helped clarify some of the process I had been through and maybe others would like to read it. Based on the subject of Philosophy and some insights into it's origins, it has some interesting subject matter that relates to "incubation" and it's ancient practice:

"In The Dark Places Of Wisdom" by Peter Kingsley

Ultimately, only we, as individuals, can help ourselves. What we do with the information given to us is in our hands.

Good luck.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Yeah, I understand that. You have to be yourself or else... you'll end up a slave like you were saying earlier. It's a scary time out there to be yourself.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I like what Smyleegirl said! Listen to what she said, I think she can really be of help, too. You might not hear good advice like that too often anymore, it was golden.

Thanks for the replies, guys.

I agree with you Smilee, to an extent. I Know you can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved. And my parents never intended to be rough with me, its just their personalities piled on top of their pain. I wasn't so understanding as a kid, but I can see them a little more clearly now.

But I've never been a believer in the "put yourself first" stuff. Its different if they were calling me names, consciously trying to push me away and out of their lives, because at that point, I would step back and give them their space. At that point, I couldn't do anything for them, and I'd put myself first.

But right now, I think I can help them.

If I believed in the "you can't save anyone but yourself" stuff, I probably wouldn't have any friends. They've all been in a breakdown situation at one time or another, and they told me that my fiance and I supporting them and making sure they were okay through their rough patches was the only thing that got them through.

I believe souls can be saved. They have to be willing, but they can be saved.

I'm sorry, but I can't put myself first this time.

Thank you guys for your advice and feedback, its been really helpful.

I've watched my family crumble a few times.

My family fell into the oxi pool and destroyed themselves for a little while.
I was not around to see, only hear about it and watched it develope over several years.

This may not help, but I had to do what was healthy for me and my new family, which was walk away.

There is nothing more painful than watching the ones you love destroy themselves over and over again.
This is causing you so much stress and termoil, and you are not responsible for anyone's feelings but your own.

Don't let them drag you down into their misery,
you cannot fix it,
only they will be able to realize for themselves.

Realize what is healthy for you and take care of you first.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


sounds a lot like my story....love my parents to death, but my dad likes beer and my moms just bat# crazy....my mom years ago left dad...it was messy, hated the boyfriend and did everything in my power to make his liFe miserable. but how'd it get to that point? dad enjoyed staying out till the wee hours of the morning with his buddies at the bar, and mom got pissed and screwed around. well after a while moms bf abruptly left/got kicked out one morning.....wasn't even two weeks later before mom was coming over dads house to drop us off for weekend and staying the night....then we got a 3rd sis dad moved back in and the war began all over again....needless to say they live separate now....and after a decade they now call each other 'best friends'...it will resolve its self and remember no mater how much u scream and yell at them your still the 'kid'.. they are in their own world, mabey you could just suggest different living spaces.... /:

I don't blame you guys for walking away, believe me... I've walked away numerous times, even before I was legally allowed to.

I ran away once, had all kinds of law enforcement after me. I ran away a second time, taking what belongings I had to school when I was about fourteen. I asked my mom to pick me up, and I never went back to my dads. I moved through school. The third time I ran away was in Oak Ridge, just a couple years ago, and that was when I stumbled across Y12 in the middle of the night, and some military dude asked me to leave the premises. The fourth time, I spent a week on the run with my fiance, both of us being out of a place to live, crashing with his mother at the coin store/house she lived in, scraping by on very little. Thank God for his mom's help. I nearly got arrested that week too, because my fiance and a couple friends of mine were trespassing on an old abandoned school, and the owners of the place found us and threatened to kill us. But somehow, we were able to get out of that situation with no law enforcement involved... barely.

The fifth time I ran away was the most recent, after I was already 18. I'd been fighting with my family so much, I was willing to do anything to get out, including dropping out of school at the last second... which was really stupid of me to do in my senior year, but I didn't care. My fiance and I spent a year with some room mates, struggling to support an apartment (and I was the only one cleaning or cooking). That's when I made my ATS account, a little over a year ago, and when I wasn't doing odd jobs or managing the apartment, I was online venting and conspiracy digging. Most of the time I kept my laptop in the kitchen, so I could listen to music, Infowars, watch Conspiracy Theory, or watch other shows, or play on ATS while I was cooking or doing dishes. I was the housewife at that place... for everyone, not just my fiance. I earned money for the place too, but not regularly, just whenever I could get the odd jobs. It was mostly my fiance and my other room mate who was financially supporting the place, while I bought and cooked the food, and cleaned everything... kinda pissed me off that no one bothered to keep it clean, because it was hell to clean.

We got kicked out of that place, because one of my room mates had another psychotic breakdown and shattered one of the windows with my bb gun, then broke her door. My fiance is staying in a hotel with our ex room mates, who are also living in limbo, and I'm in limbo between my mom's and my mamaws, because they're the only ones who live/work near my school. I'm trying to graduate a year late, and I'll be done in a few weeks, thank God.

Whoa, geez... didn't mean to tell my life story here, just got carried away. Point is, I understand the concept of letting go and walking away, because I've done it a good number of times. Each time, I was prepared never to go back, and I didn't expect for any of this stuff to happen. My mom and dad getting together, him divorcing my step monster... all that was too good to be true to ever happen.

I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with it.

They're so blessed at to end up together again, and for the kids to finally be happy... and they (my dad, mainly) are gonna let it go over something trivial and stupid spawned by nothing but pride and spite.

Anyway... I hope I can get some sleep tonight, I'll just have to let it go, even just for a day... because I have a gateway test to take tomorrow if I wanna graduate, and I need to be able to think and see straight.

Thanks for the feedback.

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
GOD, this SUCKS!

Watch "The Encounter"...

This film is a MUST see if you’re seriously looking for real answers.