There are too many me's, and I hate them all.

I don't know if anyone else here has this problem, or if I'm just out of my mind.

But, it seems I have a different me for every day of the week.

1. There is the me that goes to work every day and interacts with my subordinates. A me who can show no weakness and be the embodiment of all that is awesome.

2. There is the me that my friends from work know. Similar to the previous me, but more laid back and fallible.

3. There is the me that my friends from high school know. An utter and complete psychopath who can pound gallons of booze and fight dozens of cops in a single bound.

4. There is the me that my parents know. A complete angel who can do no wrong.

5. There is the me who is presented to the public on a daily basis. A polite quiet person going about his business.

6. The me my job parades out in front of the public whenever it suits their purposes. A polite reserved killing machine temporarily collared to perform parlor tricks for the elite or wealthy.

7. And the me who lives in my head and also resides on ATS by the name of watchitburn.

Will the real me please stand up? That was a joke, ha ha.

The real joke is that I hate them all. The sad part is that it wasn't always this way. I used to get along just fine with the me who lived inside my head. But lately he has been showing up when I'm drunk, and it turns out he is an angry, bitter, hateful person. Who just recently ruined a relationship with the kindest sweetest most innocent person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

So in a nutshell, there is a lot of me, and I hate him all.

Does anyone else have this problem?

6

reply to post by watchitburn


Why hate at all? Why not just accept that each one is an important and valuable part of YOU? Each one serves a purpose that is directly related to why you are on this earth.... Learn from them.

Welcome to my world bro. It's not as bad as it seems though...

There are different aspects of the self, embrace them. Some aspects of me come out through interacting with other people, some appear in certain locations and circumstances. I surprise myself at times and tell myself "Hey, there is another me again." I feel a little better knowning that I'm not the only one feeling like this all the time. Thing is, don't hate your different aspects, they are creations from your true self. The true you is the tree without the branches, the branches are the different aspects of you, they are part of you. But at the end of the day, I'm not identified by any of my branches, I am....

You're not alone, I know what you mean and it is perfectly normal, they are all you. They are not personas per se, as much as they are masks or faces. Aspects of you appropriate for the circumstances. The most authentic you is probably the one who is fairly quiet, and views the others, the, observer if you will. Periodic self-loathing is also normal, abnormality is about degree, yours sounds more like remorse. If we were in love with ourselves, we would grow stagnant and obnoxious. Personal growth is only available to those who see. As for the trashed relationship, apologies work wonders along with true contrition. Go easier on yourself, you sound fine to me.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.

But, if you would have asked me a week ago, I would have told you that I was completely at peace with who I am. I was the MFing embodiment of zen itself. But apparently some part of me hates me and wants me to be miserable.

Kind of crazy what a difference a few days can make.

The apology is still pending a response.

But I may go on a me hunting expedition to route out and inflict some genocide on the Douche bag me. I don't think of myself as an angry hateful person, that's definitely not who I want to be.

But he keeps showing up.

I love all my "me's ".They usually get along,but everyonce in awhile there is a conflict ,so the real me stands off to the side to let them fight it out.
Then we all have a beer together.

reply to post by kdog1982


Thanks man.

I'm kind of a fan of the real me too.

But apparently there is a dick me who is intent on ruining our happiness, and he's fixing to get shived with a jagged beer bottle.

reply to post by watchitburn

Originally posted by watchitburn

Does anyone else have this problem?

Only every day. Not that many though. I'm not sure whether or not it was intentional, but over the last few years, I have terminated a few of them.

[color=90D4C4]If I could separate me from myself, I'd stay away from me.

ASHES dIVIDE - 'Too Late'

reply to post by watchitburn


A jewel isn't judged by a single facet.

It is the combination of all facets that creates the gem.



(Shine bright like a diamond. . . . )
-Rihanna

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by watchitburn

 

A jewel isn't judged by a single facet.

It is the combination of all facets that creates the gem.

(Shine bright like a diamond. . . . )
-Rihanna

What an excellent way of putting it,Beezzer!

reply to post by beezzer


Ah, old reliable Beezzer. Where would I be without you?

Thanks for the encouragement, I really am trying to stay positive
But it is very hard when I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage myself.

I don't think I hate myself, but maybe myself hates me?
If that makes any kind of sense...?

reply to post by watchitburn


Conflict can build, apathy decays.

Maybe your inner conflict is trying to create. Be encouraged that there is conflict. I think we all feel it, depending on our day to day issues and circumstances.

Look forward to the creation caused by the conflict!

reply to post by watchitburn

I don't know if anyone else here has this problem, or if I'm just out of my mind.

no need for concern,
watchitburn,
you are merely becoming more self aware
in other words
you are going completely "Mad"

how wonderful!

we all have many voices in our heads, it's just that whichever is the loudest is erroneously considered the ego or self

Each of the paradigms takes a different view of the self. Transcendentalists view self as spirit inserted into matter. As a fragment or figment of deity, the self regards itself as somehow placed in the world in a non-arbitrary manner and endowed with free will. The transcendental view of self is relatively stable and non-problematic if shared as a consensus with all significant others. However, transcendental theories about the placement and purpose of self and its relationship to deities are mutually exclusive. Conflicting transcendentalisms can rarely co-exist for they threaten to disconfirm the images of self. Encounters which are not decisive tend to be mutually negating in the long run.

Of the three views of self the purely materialistic one is the most problematical. If mind is an
extension of matter it must obey material laws, and the resulting deterministic view conflicts with
the subjective experience of free will. On the other hand, if mind and consciousness are assumed to be qualitatively different from matter, then the self is incomprehensible to itself in material terms. Worse still perhaps. the materialist self must regard itself as a phenomenon of only temporary duration in contradiction of the subjective expectation of continuity of consciousness. Because a purely materialist view of self is so austere few are prepared to confront such naked existentialism. Consequently materialist cultures exhibit a frantic appetite for sensation, identification and more or less disposable irrational beliefs. Anything that will make the self seem less insubstantial.

The chaos magical view of self is that it is based on the same random capricious chaos which makes the universe exist and do what it does. The magical self has no center; it is not a unity but an assemblage of parts, any number of which may temporarily club together and call themselves "I" This accords with the observation that our subjective experience is not constant. Our subjective experience consists of our various selves experiencing each other. Free will arises
either as an outcome of a dispute between our various selves or as a sudden random creation of a new idea or option. In the magical view of self there is no spirit/matter or mind/body split and the paradoxes of free will and determinism disappear. Some of our acts are conditioned and some are random. Some of our acts arise from random choices between conditioned options and some from conditional choices between randomly created options. In practice most of our acts are based on rather complex hierarchical sequences of all four of these mechanisms. As soon as we have acted one of our selves proclaims "I did that" so loudly that most of the other selves think they did it too.

Peter Carroll- Liber Kaos (Aeonics)

please let me know when you've gone completely "insane"
so that when The Church of The Universal Truth is firmly established [pending the development and construction of Faith Generators ™, Faith Batteries™ and their attendant Faith Technology™] you will have my Cordial Invitation to join as a Bishop, or as a Cardinal [resplendent in your Armour of Faith, and as Direct Channeler of the Faith of the Laity with the power to wipe entire continents clean of the "sane" ], if you wish to live up to your name.

It sounds like you just took the gentlemanly way out and admitted to you, yourself, that you have a problem, and are taking the procedure that makes the most sense to help yourself get better,
I can only congratulate you for this achievement. Most could not, or would not even do that.

I think you have every right in the world to hate parts of yourself that you deem repulsive to your true nature.
It's through that hate that you're able to recognize a problem exists in the first place.
And the hate will pass like all hate does only for the void to be filled with the only other property that can fill such a space.

Love, peace.

reply to post by BrokenCircles

Looking back, there are a few of me who have been deemed undesirable, they are no longer with us. But your point brings the situation back to the forefront of perception.

It's a key part of progress.

reply to post by beezzer


Well, it is my pleasure to disclose that this person is open to continued interactions despite my previous displays of douche baggery.

I am not one for dispensing vacant promises, so my hope is that she has been read in to all pertinent orders and directives. It would definitely make her that much hotter.

But anyway, despite all logic, things may end in a way that everyone is happy.
Positive thoughts make for positive actions.

So thank you Sir, for yours.

reply to post by TheMagus


I'm interested in becoming a minister or priest of whatever in any religion, While I may find it hard to take seriously, I would be willing to be professional about it at the least.

reply to post by yourmaker


You may be right.

But it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that I have been running around under the false pretenses of peace, only to learn that I was only one step removed from the old game of war.

That fact olone causes me on the douche bag me to act on one course of action.

reply to post by watchitburn
consider yourself invited, you'll be in good company. bishops are more on the educational side beezzer would make a fine avuncular one, spreading the "Madness", whilst Cardinals are a tad more militant in terms of smiting the "sane"

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by watchitburn

 

Conflict can build, apathy decays.

Maybe your inner conflict is trying to create. Be encouraged that there is conflict. I think we all feel it, depending on our day to day issues and circumstances.

Look forward to the creation caused by the conflict!

Creative Tension, yes! ... have you ever read "The Path of Least Resistance" by Robert Fritz ?
www.amazon.com...

i'm at a loss at the moment...

but have i invited you to join The Church yet?
and remember, when the avuncular manner fails, you'll have your Faith Armour™ and a Bishop's Morning Star
both powered by the Faith of the Laity to deal with those who won't see "UnReason"!

I feel you.

My "me's" are not as varied or extreme but they are certainly different, compartmentalized and, to be honest, lonely..because - really - which one is real and why can't that "me" be universally accepted?

reply to post by watchitburn


As a fellow Vet, take it for what it is worth…after all, it’s free.

You’ve started to acknowledge who you are. All the good times and the bad. Hell, you’re human, acknowledge that as well. Sounds to me like you have a mild case of PTSD, but that is fixable as long as you don’t continue down the path of self hate. (By the way, I personally hate the term disorder…it’s a syndrome as far as I am concerned)

After thirty years of service I will tell you that it is up to YOU. Others can help, but it does boil down to you. Been there, Done that. It's hard but I believe that you can do it.

As for the one you care about, tell them your last paragraph, they will forgive you or they may not. But it’s not the end of the world, though it may feel like it.

I wish you the best. Get better brother.

reply to post by watchitburn


There is a reason for everything. Instead of giving into the anger, embrace it and understand it. Why is it coming, where is it coming from? The purpose of any emotion that is not love is to direct you back to the right path. It sounds that your problem is quite common.

You may need to stand up for yourself or let go of something. Your anger is looking for a solution. What is the problem? Recently work was causing me to feel something like you are explaining. After several months, I decided to stand up and speak, and to not stop talking until they listen or let me go.

Turns out I had a good idea in my head and I needed to express it. After finally putting my thoughts into words and presenting them to my bosses and peers it turns out everyone agrees. We are changing the way we interact with our business partners based on an idea that was causing anger and anxiety.

It was like the emotions pushed me to the edge of a cliff and left me no choice but to raise my voice and be heard. I had to go through the presentation 3 or 4 times to take the anger out but I was successful.

Find out what causes the anger, then come up with a solution. If your spiritual pray, if not pray anyway.