Overbearing Friends Making Me Crazy!

reply to post by Scribe611


Over the years and maybe this is a problem you may have, I have learned to say NO. Plain and simple.

As for energy suckers, sorry but friendship is a two way street. I've had those draining types of friends and out the door they went. Don't miss em and I am sure they don't miss me as I think they were never real true friends to start with.

Perhaps it's spring cleaning time...

reply to post by darkbake


Thank you! And just to let everyone know, I have decided to grow some cahones and approach this situation head on. I've given myself 24 hours from this evening to let Friend Number One know that I want to talk to her about something very important, and to set up a place and time. I've been bracing myself for this confrontation, but it's necessary for improving my situation. I miss having options, and I want to go do some things on my own time again!

reply to post by SonoftheSun


Love your avatar... that's probably the look I'm going to get when I start this hard conversation... disbelief on a global scale!

"Why, what do you mean you want to do other things...after all the things we've done together over the last several years...how could you be so mean to me?" I'm preparing for the worst, as you can see.

It's all going to be alright, I'm sure. I just need to take that most difficult first step.

reply to post by Scribe611


I would tell your friends a week or so in advance that I have made plans for a certain weekend and I won't be able to see them.

Also, tell them that, with warmer weather approaching, you have plans to do some major spring cleaning on the weekends... a certain room gets a good going over each weekend until you get it all done.

Then tell them that you have other friends that would like to do things with you too while you're off work, so you are going to have to stop devoting ALL your spare time to them.

If they get upset because you have a life outside of them, then they aren't true friends anyway. NO LOSS!

Well... I did manage to have a conversation with Friend #1, and it went kind of smoothly. I meditated on how to approach it, used angel oracle cards, and every time I got the response of "compromise." I tried to consider her point of view, and decided not to throw something at her with no compassion, and it sort of worked. I say sort of because I have the next two weekends free for myself, but past that I'm not sure. It's a start, and it can grow!

Friend #2 has not been approached... there are some major issues going on in her life and I'm taking the road of compromise and compassion there as well. It's not life or death, and I don't need to blow up and offend everybody. The frustration has been killing me though, and I just had to vent on this thread. I sincerely hope I'm acting with a cool head now, and not just chickening out!

Kimish, did I do good on the paragraphs?

reply to post by Scribe611


I inserted more paragraph breaks...yikes.

Ok, where to begin.

First, I know you...and used to be you. I can tell you are a good listener who values friendship and is fiercely loyal to your friends, even at your own detriment.

Your friends sense this, and use you as their sounding board because you listen and likely often give them good (if unheeded advice). And make no mistake they are USING you, they simply don't realize how much a fun drain they are.

Friend number one is obviously not happy with her life (though she should be, affording four show horses and the money to keep them and travel with them, etc.). I own horses too, they ain't cheap to keep. She's using this whole activity as an outlet (and drags you so she doesn't have to do it alone). I suspect there is likely something about her hubby's closeness to his parents, but she'll never leave him or the money. She probably has no job, so all she has to do every day is focus on stuff we working folks consider to be superfluous BS. Talking about these things is the ONLY social activity she has. I know many just like her, and all of them have the same thing in common, no job, so gossip and BS IS their job, they made it so. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Tell me she doesn't have a job (other than the horses).

Friend number two is in a similar boat with different sails. She obviously hates work, but has to do it. Like the other, she likely has few REAL friends, so you are her sounding board. You may not have much else in common other than work, so she dwells on it. Find some other areas of interest to discuss, fun stuff, not work stuff.

For both, my advice is the same. Set aside at least ONE weekend a month where you don't see either of them. That weekend is for YOU to do something for YOU. You'll be amazed at the difference (and they just may appreciate you a bit more, vs. taking you for granted.)

reply to post by Gazrok


Wow... you pretty much nailed it, especially with Friend #1, except for the money thing. They used to be in pretty good shape until she quit her job, then it got harder to go anywhere. There's always the been the "poor me, I'll never have a decent horse because I'm broke," but it only got worse. You know, I counted up - it's been three years since she quit, and guess how long I've had my weekends planned out for me? You guessed it - three years. And if she would sell the ones she has that she doesn't do anything with, she could afford one great horse AND the training bill.

I realize now that all this started with me running every time she called, because it was a very dirty set of circumstances that led to her quitting. I did feel bad for her, and I knew she was having a hard time so I ran every time, if for nothing else than to keep her company while she grieved.

She'd never admit it, but I know she loved her job... it was the new administration that came in and mucked everything up for the people who had been there the longest. They brought in their favorites and kept the ones already there who would kiss a certain part of their exterior, and woe be unto them that didn't. Lord knows I had to hear the entire story, play by play, for about two years. It's still repeated when I try to help her see the good side of things!

I have tried to help her the best I can, but after having a weekend to myself and seeing the difference it made in my mood and everything, I know I have to move forward with this, and she needs to take steps to move forward as well. And it's not like she was alone - she and someone else went to a horse show. I, on the other hand, almost did cartwheels having so much time to do what I wanted! I forgot how relaxing a weekend could be. That's a BIG wake up call, too.

The real shame is, she's a fantastic painter and photographer. She could make money with her talent... I don't know how many people have flipped over the shirts she has painted, and I've encouraged her to no end, but she always has something negative to say about it all. That's getting old too... I'm trying to be more positive in my own life and I have to recover from the downer every weekend. I know I should listen and be sympathetic and try to help, but how many times can you hear the same pitiful song until you just want to change the station?

Anyway, thank you so much for taking time to write a wonderful response to my predicament! You're a very eloquent speaker, and very insightful as well. I will indeed take your advice!

reply to post by Scribe611


I'm glad Gazrok got through to you, and that you are going to take his advice.

You are too good, for your own good, you know?

reply to post by Scribe611


Double post... deleted.

reply to post by sled735


Thank you, Sled! I usually end up trying to keep the peace, no matter what. Sometimes that's not the best thing!

Just to update my little soap opera, Friend #1 emailed me today like nothing ever happened, wanting to know where I'm going to be this weekend. She wanted me to help her with a horse the next two weekends, and I had already made plans, and told her this. I got back the reply "Well I guess (horse's name) won't be there since I have nobody to help me."

I know her well enough to know the cussfit that accompanied that email... I pity her dogs who have to hear it! I happened to be at work when she emailed, and another friend who's well aware of the issues here said, "That's fine, just leave it at that. It's her choice. She needs to grow up."

I still feel bad for not jumping every time she snaps her fingers, but I've done it for three years straight and it's time for both of us to move on. She knows all kinds of people in the horse show world around here, and she has a trailer to haul hers in. Other people have horses that could help her, I don't even know much about handling them. About all I was good for was brushing, feeding, watering, and shoveling poop. Oh, and standing for hours videotaping everybody she wanted taped.

Not that I don't like horses - don't get me wrong there. They are sacred to me, it's just that these are high-strung Saddlebred show horses, and they need more experienced people to fool with them much. I was feeling kind of intimidated, having a bum knee for over a month and having to be able to move quickly should one wheel on me (which happened once, and I got a very good look at his posterior!). I'm blessedly lucky I didn't get hurt that day.

I told her about my knee, and that I thought I may have a torn meniscus, but she ignored me as usual. I could barely walk for over a month, and even now 6 weeks later I still have to be very careful how I put weight on it. It can have excruciating pain if something doesn't line up just right, and sometimes it tries to bend backwards.

The pain is in a semi circle, just under the kneecap around the front, and I'm certain this is a torn meniscus. It gets better, then walking for hours on uneven ground in her barn lot was setting me back every weekend. I'd use ice, bengay and wraps to get the swelling back down, then it was time to go back to work. No time to heal.

Anyway, I'm sure this conversation is far from over, but maybe I won't have to deal with it for a few days. She'll get her way, as she usually does, and I'll probably hear from her after the show.

Originally posted by Scribe611
reply to post by sled735

 

Thank you, Sled! I usually end up trying to keep the peace, no matter what. Sometimes that's not the best thing!

Just to update my little soap opera, Friend #1 emailed me today like nothing ever happened, wanting to know where I'm going to be this weekend. She wanted me to help her with a horse the next two weekends, and I had already made plans, and told her this. I got back the reply "Well I guess (horse's name) won't be there since I have nobody to help me."


I told her about my knee, and that I thought I may have a torn meniscus, but she ignored me as usual. I could barely walk for over a month, and even now 6 weeks later I still have to be very careful how I put weight on it. It can have excruciating pain if something doesn't line up just right, and sometimes it tries to bend backwards.

She is trying to lay a guilt trip on you with those words. Don't fall for it!

And, OMG!!! I can't believe you went with her with your knee hurt like that! And the fact she ignored your pain because SHE wanted your help tells me just how selfish she is.

She is not the kind of friend you need, my dear!!!

reply to post by Scribe611


Hi Scribe, i have had horses up until last year and you shouldn't be leading them if you have a bad knee believe me i no, tell your friend she will just have to wait until your leg is much better and that will be in a few months, unless she wants you to be in even more pain leading show horses around.

I didn't do as my doctor said when i had a bad knee after a car accident 10 years ago and i need an operation now, guess what i was doing to make it worse? Leading my daughters horses for her while she got ready and ended up getting kicked. Iv'e stuck the pain for all those years so don't be a fool like me

Ps my daughter does feel bad but me being mammy went ahead so it was my fault lol.

reply to post by ballymoney50


Yeah, well I felt bad for my friend when she left her job, but then it never seemed like she moved on any. To this day she runs through all those stories over and over, beating herself in the head with a hammer for all intents and purposes, so she can't move on. I've tried and nothing helps motivate her, so I'm pretty much done. She is going to have to pick herself back up, no one else can do it for her.

Do take care of yourself and your knee! I know myself that it can take forever to heal if you don't let it. Gentle therapy yes, stepping on uneven ground and staggering around when the pain hits is not a good thing around spooky, high-strung horses. I know the temptation is too great sometimes though! I do love horses, and I'm sure I'll want to be around them again, but not right now, not with her.

Her response to my pain was that maybe I was starting to develop a little arthritis in that knee since I'm getting older (48), and I told her, "I've had arthritis since I was diagnosed at 19, this is an injury and it needs to heal." Didn't sink in... geez.

reply to post by Scribe611


I think you need a new friend and change your email address and phone number she might get the hint without you saying anything lol. That's why i don't have close friends if i say no i mean no so they don't get ratty on me

Good luck any hoo and be strong cos you'll end up with a breakdown worrying over it all.

x

reply to post by ballymoney50



Oh I've actually thought about moving and maybe looking for another job because of all this!!! I refuse to let her manipulating mess up what I have going for me now, though. I just have a few pangs of guilt, but every time I think about how I felt giving up so much of my time that I needed to spend doing things I wanted or needed to do... those pangs get weaker.

I feel that this thread is no longer needed, so I would like to thank everybody for their words of encouragement, advice, and what not. I am feeling much stronger than I was when I started this thread, and I'm going to keep moving in a positive direction. I know there may be more issues until this is completely resolved, but I have taken steps to fix this situation. I will probably get cussed out a few times, but I'm okay with that. I don't have to react to it if (or when) it comes.

You've got to confront her about it.

Seriously. If you try to look past it, ignore it, or prolong talking to her about it, You'll just find yourself bottling up your irritated feelings, then when a confrontation finally does evoke, you'll explode on her a lot harder than you intended to.

Same thing happened to me recently. While it felt REALLY good to tell a certain few people what I thought of them, I may have gone just a tad bit overboard. I don't regret it, but I do feel guilty when I think of how badly I may have hurt them.

Calm confrontation is your friend. If they're any kind of real friend, they'll meet you halfway.

Overbearing friends is what you call them. From all your posts, I can only see the word "overbearing" - but no sign of them being real friends.

You seem to have set yourself up to be used, dumped on, taken advantage of. You may be getting "something" from these relationships --- repeating a pattern from childhood or earlier relationships. It's a dance, and it takes two. They aren't very nice people it seems in general, but you are there for whatever unresolved issue/reason.

It's actually abusive and codependent. I can say that because I've been in those relationships too.


Your life is going by. You have a right to spend your time alone or with people who bring you joy. You have a right to take care of your health (knee), to pursue interests of your own, to relax, to meet new people.

It is a shame to hear how your one friend is so meanspirited to her elderly parents. That could lead to elder abuse.

I've been in your shoes. I enabled people to take advantage of me and use me. Only I could change the dynamics. I've let friendships go because I realized they were not friendships really.

I applaud you for trying to talk with your friend about changing things, but I think talk may not be the right action. Action may be the right action. Show, don't tell. Show by doing. Do what you want, when you want it. Just make plans and say, gee, I've got plans, maybe another time. Don't commit to another time, keep it vague and open. Smile, be cheery and kind, but move on.

Your friend who has more serious problems that you don't want to have "the talk" with right now--you can still wean yourself away, slowly and firmly. In reality, you likely aren't "helping" her when you let her rant and spew, you are simply enabling her to continue in her ways. She is not growing and changing and learning. She doesn't have to, because you are allowing her to stay stuck.

Who knows? The best thing you could do for them could even be that you walk out of their lives. They might need to wake up and see who they've become and make changes to their approach to relationships. Or not.

You seem to be a lovely person and I wish I had a friend as sweet as you! Not to take advantage of, but to have fun with and enjoy life's simple joys. Good conversation (two way), a nice meal, a walk, a weekend outing --- all are the simple stuff of life that is wonderful when you have family and friends to share with.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Yes, the thought that I may be prolonging the inevitable does worry me, and I don't want to blow up at her. I'm sure she's confused as to why I've suddenly stopped being so available, and why I'm making other plans. Dread and wanting desperately to avoid that confrontation is why I've avoided it, but I have a feeling it's coming this week. The tension is in the air!

I feel a little more prepared for it now though, and not as stressed out by my emotions as I was when I started this thread. I am so grateful to everyone for helping me to see things from a not-so-deeply-involved point of view. I've been in this for about three years, and I'd forgotten how good it was to just do something I want to do.

I must be on the right path though, because articles, posters, plaques and the like are coming at me from all directions, each one talking about my experiences I'm going through. Synchronicity abounds, and for once I am paying attention. I know this will be hard to face, but I'm ready to proceed without screaming.

Don't know if I could have managed that a few weeks ago... I had reached the boiling point! Guess I needed some distance to get my head on straight first.

Originally posted by Galadriel

You seem to have set yourself up to be used, dumped on, taken advantage of. You may be getting "something" from these relationships --- repeating a pattern from childhood or earlier relationships. It's a dance, and it takes two. They aren't very nice people it seems in general, but you are there for whatever unresolved issue/reason.

You know, I never realized something until I read this in your post. My parents never seemed to get along, and they couldn't be in the room together five minutes without arguing. It never got physically violent that I know of, and most of the fussing was instigated by my mother. My dad held his own too, sometimes.

When I was little, maybe 5 or 6, my mother used to go to her bedroom and cry, telling me how much she hated that man and if it wasn't for me she would have left him a long time ago. I was supposed to sit there and listen and not show any emotion, because she'd get mad and yell at me if I cried. I learned to shut down and not express things.

Later on I would say, "Why don't you just take me and leave?" She always said if it wasn't for having to make a family for me, she would. I grew up feeling responsible for her not being happy, and it has affected me even more than I realized. That desire to keep the peace, no matter what, has caused me to assume the position of the subservient child, not wanting to say or do anything to upset someone I've placed in an authoritative figure (my friend).

I even walk slightly behind her when we go through stores or any place else. That occurred to me several weeks ago, and I would consciously try to move up beside her instead of trailing behind. I think that is when I started truly looking at this friendship, or just what kind of relationship it is. I've been feeling like I had to go through with everything she asked, because I've handed over my power to her like a mother figure.

Strangely enough, my own mother passed away in 2006 (my dad died in 1991). That could have been why I didn't object so much for a while, so the blame, if that is even the right word - I'll say responsibility - lies on both our shoulders. The difference is I see it for what it is, codependency at its worst. I have been trying to move on and shed a lot of stuff from my past, and this is what's led me to see this relationship in a totally different way.

If there is no give & take, and it's her way or the highway (which is usually how it goes), then my choice is the highway. Oh, I just remembered - when we met in 1986 she was managing the newspaper staff of the college I went to and when I joined the staff she was my "boss" at the time. Dang, have I done this the entire time? Maybe that's why I dread approaching this so bad. It wasn't so unbearable until she left her job 3 years ago, and since then it's been constant.

What a mess! I'll figure it out though... I may lose a friend, but then a real friend wouldn't attack me for doing what I want sometimes either. Everything wouldn't be so one-sided.

And thank you for your kind words at the end of your post... I would love to find some friends I could get together with and not feel like I was going to work! If I'm not jumping every time she snaps her fingers any more, I might actually go to some places and events I like and I may meet some really cool people. And this time I will truly be myself!

reply to post by Scribe611


Hey, I hope my original post didn't come across harsh. I didn't mean to be (and I have no right to be to you). I just saw a lot of myself in you, and I know that a lot of those behaviors originated in my early life and thought it may have been the same for you. My parents fought all the time, instigated by an unhappy mother. I too felt I had to make sure everyone around me was happy and not make waves. Must keep the peace at all costs.

Hang in there! Hope it all works out well.