Dilemma regarding helping my friend stop smoking

I have a moral/social dilemma regarding helping my friend to stop smoking. She is 43 and has a 9 year old daughter. She is a very wonderful woman who is very caring and compassionate for those around her. We have always been very open with each other and do not hide anything.

She has previously had a close call with cancer and had a hysterectomy because of it but I am not currently sure of more details. There is a history of cancer in her family. Although she says her heart is fine, she currently has COPD and is very overweight. Her lung capacity is limited especially compared to mine. I am more afraid of the possibility of her getting emphysema that cancer at the present time. She also has a strong history of diabetes in her family and I believe she is currently a borderline diabetic since she has had some problems with her blood sugar going both high and low lately. Part of the problem is that she lives very much other centered at the expense of her own health. She is a nurse and there are people that she goes out of her way to care for and she has not exercised regularly for many years. She has been fighting depression and takes two anti-depressants, one of which causes weight gain. She has even had a gastric bypass to help her lose the weight (which I don't think is a real solution believing more in self control of diet and use of herbs to strengthen the body). I have pointed out to her that she needs to take care of herself first in order to live which is the same reason airlines tell you that in an emergency to put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. You can't help someone else of you are unconscious or dead.

She knows she needs to stop smoking, eat right, and get off the anti-depressant medication that causes her to gain weight. Several weeks ago she tried to quit smoking cold turkey. This week her willpower has weakened and she has bummed a couple cigarettes from a neighbor. Their attitudes are if she really wanted to quit, she would quit and not ask for a cigarette rather than them at least asking her if she really wants to smoke and encouraging her to maintain her willpower. She did not tell me until I directly asked her if she had smoked any cigarettes and when. I know she knew I would be disappointed so in that regard there was the danger of her hiding it from me.

My problem is that she wants me to help re-enforce her willpower and help her quit. She wants me to control her or attempt to control her to some degree. I don't know how far to push her. I don't want to tell her what to do or tell her to stay away from people that won't help her quit smoking when they know she is trying to quit. Others have said she needs to have the willpower to quit herself. I personally consider it to be a struggle for her between life and death. I desperately want her to live. I point out the fact to her that if she dies, there is really no one to take proper care of her daughter not to mention how much I would miss her. Part of the reason she quit is because I pointed out the situation with her daughter and I was very sad thinking about what was likely to happen if she did not quit.

Also neither of us have much money to spend on acupuncture or other programs to stop smoking.

I am very willing to support her in positive ways but I don't like to do it in negative ways such as to say "you can't have that". To me this is a moral dilemma regarding how much interfere to stop her when her willpower weakens. I would like to hear other opinions.

I'd recommend getting the patch. in the long run, it's WAAAAAY cheaper than continuing smoking.

Or you can just smack her every time she says she wants a smoke. That'll be fun and effective!

The first thing you need to do is mind your own damn business.

The second thing you need to do is enjoy the time with the friend, not chastise her for not being who you want her to be.

she could try the EFT technique... i gave up smoking for a year using EFT and i was astounded that it worked.

reply to post by Ghost375

LOL! I like that. It gave me a good laugh and cheered me up. Thanks! The only problem is that I think she may want the slap so it may be counterproductive.

reply to post by DaTroof

It may be best if you take your own advice if that is the most helpful you can be.

reply to post by ladyteeny

Thanks. I will look into it tonight. It looks like it may be promising after an initial look at it.

Originally posted by Ghost375
I'd recommend getting the patch. in the long run, it's WAAAAAY cheaper than continuing smoking.

Agreed, Also allows you to get rid of the physical addiction first, and worry about the nicotine addiction later.

Don't use nicotine products to quit smoking. It's counter productive.

Here's the way to do it cold turkey.

Buy a pack of smokes. Let's say there are 25 smokes in it.

Every day remove 2 smokes from the back, and make whatever is in the pack the ONLY cigarettes you allow yourself to smoke.

Keep removing them until you are down to 1. Once there, never allow yourself to smoke that last cigarette.

It's a reminder of what you were and what you are now.

OTHERWISE, I suggest a vaporizer that doesn't use nicotine.

You can also help by cutting out smoking at certain venues, like work or home. The more places you disassociate with smoking, the less the cravings will appear.

I hope that helps your friend

~Tenth

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
Buy a pack of smokes. Let's say there are 25 smokes in it.

Every day remove 2 smokes from the back, and make whatever is in the pack the ONLY cigarettes you allow yourself to smoke.

Keep removing them until you are down to 1. Once there, never allow yourself to smoke that last cigarette.

That one smoke in the packet would stay there because there would be a drawer full of the cigarettes taken from the packets previously.

Great idea, but the removed smokes should be given to someone else to avoid temptation in the last stages of this method, yes? Maybe removed and given at the same time to show willing in the first place.

reply to post by nerbot


yeah that's implied lol

That's how you end up using the last pack you bought lol

Sorry my explanation was lacking.

~Tenth

I used the patch: 20 Years ago, ...I used the step system. First I sat down and looked at my life, and being a nurse as your friend is, I was very aware of COPD and Emphysema.
Had a touch of Emphysema at that point. My wife made it a point to keep me as occupied as possible.
We played games, went for walks, rode bikes, and even went fishing.
Anything to keep me occupied. After two weeks it was all over. I never picked up another smoke.
Try the patch. And contrary to opinion...do not mind your own business. This is another human being you may be able to help. If you do not help you know the outcome. Anytime one is in a position to help another, to act is always the best choice. In this case doing nothing could be catastrophic to your friend.
And o yea...get a see through jar...like a gallon pickle jar. Put the cash in the jar for every pack not bought.
Then take the money and buy yourself a high end SUV. Soon that is about what they will cost

It is not a good idea to mix friendship and enforcement. Addiction is a personal problem and you should not in any way own it for her, by taking responsibility to remind her. Be a cheerleader instead, when appropriate and not to excess. If she takes personal responsibility, alone, her victory will be all the sweeter. Just my opinion.

Tell her to google green smokes best thing I ever did I used to smoke 20 a day bought them and haven't smoked in 6 months. It doesn't feel like quitting is great with a drink can't talk up elites enough

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
Don't use nicotine products to quit smoking. It's counter productive.

Here's the way to do it cold turkey.

Buy a pack of smokes. Let's say there are 25 smokes in it.

Every day remove 2 smokes from the back, and make whatever is in the pack the ONLY cigarettes you allow yourself to smoke.

Keep removing them until you are down to 1. Once there, never allow yourself to smoke that last cigarette.

It's a reminder of what you were and what you are now.

OTHERWISE, I suggest a vaporizer that doesn't use nicotine.

You can also help by cutting out smoking at certain venues, like work or home. The more places you disassociate with smoking, the less the cravings will appear.

I hope that helps your friend

~Tenth

I just passed my one-year anniversary as a non-smoker.

I used the patch to quit.

I just don't see how using the patch was counter-productive. Then again, I think that whatever works for someone, or whatever someone reasonably requests in their pursuit to outwit this wiley addiction, should be honored. I tried many "other peoples' ways", but only my way worked. The levels of physical and psychological addiction, when combined with personality and unique biochemistry, explain why each person's experience is unique.

The first thing you need to do is mind your own damn business.

The friend ASKED for help....

I'm going to concur and recommend the patch. Of all the people I know who have quit, they either did it cold turkey, reduction method (like slow cold turkey), or with the patch.

Originally posted by tothetenthpower

OTHERWISE, I suggest a vaporizer that doesn't use nicotine.

You can also help by cutting out smoking at certain venues, like work or home. The more places you disassociate with smoking, the less the cravings will appear.

I hope that helps your friend

~Tenth

She is past that right now and has stopped for more than a month. I'm afraid having one around would cause her to use it. However, I am interested in your comment about the vaporizer. Is this a normal vaporizer? I agree regarding disassociating with smoking. She tends to want to smoke socially so I try to be with her when those situations arise. When she gets tempted I ask her if she really wants to smoke and her answer is always no.

To set the record straight from a previous comment, I do not want to manipulate her and am very much against manipulation since I have had it done to me most of her life. I only want to prevent her from dying a premature and horrible death such as from emphysema. She has decided to quit and I am doing anything I can to help her. She wants to be around to raise her daughter and for me. When she used to smoke, I never told her she had to stop but I let it be her decision, although I did encourage her to quit. So far she has managed to stay off it for the most part which makes me quite proud of her. However, I plan to present these ideas to her to help her as much as possible. Thanks to all for your comments and ideas.

reply to post by DavidsHope


Thanks for the nice ideas. The activities are a good way to help, and they will also help with depression. I especially like the idea of the pickle jar. I will see if she wants to do this to help her out.

reply to post by Iamschist

I appreciate the comment and I agree to a point which is generally what I do. For the most part, I can only do encourage her and be a "cheerleader" for her since I am not with her much of the week. She could smoke anytime she wants and not tell me but we value honesty about everything in our relationship. I try to re-enforce her will by keeping her out of trouble when temptation arises but I always ask if she really wants to. I realize it is her responsibility but I would do anything to help her.

reply to post by chasingbrahman

To you and Gazrok. I believe different solutions work for different people. If she does slip, I am going to recommend the patch. It is still not known what the best solution is, but there is a good set of ideas from the postings here. Thanks to all of you.