I really need some relationship advice.

So, the unthinkable has happened once again.
Many of you may remember my recent thread,Avoiding The "Friend Zone". In this thread I explained my Friend Zone avoidance theory, and how it is the path I believe one should take when faced with that particular situation. I still believe that it's the best course of action.

Anyway, this post has to deal with my most recent infatuation. I've known her since high school. We were always pretty good friends, though I never worked up the courage to ask her out back then, as I was plagued with confidence problems back then. Well, you know how this story goes, boy and girl hit it off, boy graduates, boy goes to work, boy and girl grow apart, boy tries to conquer the world and doesn't see or talk to girl for 5 years. Anyway, I recently started hanging out with her, just as friends, but there were sparks, that I think were mutually felt. I was a little slow to pick up on her hints though (Damn you, women, with your ridiculous subtleties.) I just figured we were friends and that was it. Even after she drunk texted me hinting towards how she actually felt about me.

Part of the reason I have behaved the way I have was that I didn't want to ruin a friendship, by thinking that we felt the same way for eachother, when it was only me with such feelings (which I'm pretty certain was not the case now). The other part is this; She has 2 kids, not that that's a problem for me, but she's technically still married to they're father, though they've been separated for over 2 years. I just don't want to confuse her kids, I like them alot and don't want to cause them any grief (they are ages 6 and 4).

Anyway, times are tough in our neck of the woods, I no longer have a cell phone, and she recently had to have hers shut off until she can get another job. But, we always contacted each other through Facebook anyway. About a week ago, she deleted her facebook. I don't think she was trying to avoid me, though I could be wrong. Anyway, it couldn't have happened at a worse time, as I was going to just come clean and tell her how I feel. But, now I have no way of getting a hold of her. She only lives 5 minutes away, but I don't want to be rude and just show up un-announced.

Should I just go over there and talk to her, or should I just forget about it?

Please refrain from wise-cracks on this one, guys. I really need the help right now.

reply to post by dave_welch


Depends buddy, she could be the one, or she could just break you down even more. i know what you mean its tough. just have to hang in there brothers.

reply to post by dave_welch

i would say its ok to show up once and say hi. ask how shes doing and if everything is ok. just be careful she could also have planed this and just mad at you for past actions maybe lol women are hard to read buddy. and all us guys are bad you know cause of the few bad apples

reply to post by UnknownEntity4U


Well, according to Facebook and Twitter, we're all evil, lol.

reply to post by dave_welch


i Sooo know what you mean i work with a girl i really wanna be with and shes not interested it sucks ppl say work relationships don't work.

Did you actually acknowledge her drunken text?

Actually, how long was the gap between her drunk text and her deleting her FB account?

You will never know if you don't give it a go.

Get out of your comfort zone and listen to your instincts.

The worst response you can get is........NO.

Then you are in the same position you already are.

Worth a try really, don't ya reckon?

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be...............

Originally posted by Sublimecraft
You will never know if you don't give it a go.

Get out of your comfort zone and listen to your instincts.

The worst response you can get is........NO.

Then you are in the same position you already are.

Worth a try really, don't ya reckon?

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be...............

I think this is the best adivce for the situation. I made that same mistake of not asking, and i fully regret it now. When i finally worked up the courage to ask my high school crush for more in our relationship status she was already engaged and planning a wedding.

If she does say NO, it is much easier to repair the friendship you already have than to have the feelings of regret for the rest of your life. My final words for you are: GO FOR IT!!

reply to post by dave_welch


Wow. Let's stay away from the creepy stalker stuff.

If I were you. I'd bump into her by accident somewhere. Don't go to her house.
Be like, "Hey I haven't seen you in ages. Why don't we go have some drinks and catch up."

And if it doesn't work out. Cut your losses and move on.

reply to post by dave_welch


If you are good friends then why would it worry either of you if you went over there un-announced? If you care about her just go over there, the question is how you approach tellin her how you feel and that is something that you must work out yourself.. I'd go over if the feelings were right, thats for sure. Better giving it a crack than not knowing bud.

Originally posted by grey580
reply to post by dave_welch

 

Wow. Let's stay away from the creepy stalker stuff.

If I were you. I'd bump into her by accident somewhere. Don't go to her house.
Be like, "Hey I haven't seen you in ages. Why don't we go have some drinks and catch up."

And if it doesn't work out. Cut your losses and move on.

Bumping into her by 'accident'sounds just like creepy stalker stuff to me.
O.P.-if she only stays five minutes away,get around there rather than waste your time on here.I'm not saying go around and try it on but go around and suss out the lye of the land.She is your friend she won't tell you where to go-come on man,man up.

reply to post by dave_welch

Anyway, this post has to deal with my most recent infatuation. I've known her since high school. We were always pretty good friends, though I never worked up the courage to ask her out back then, as I was plagued with confidence problems back then.

Just my opinion here... you have two problems with your approach to romance. (I know because I've been there.)

(1) You still have "infatuations"... that's a school-boy crush, in other words. The kind where you have to suddenly bend down and tie your shoe if you think about it too much. The problem with this is that we tend to inject our fantasies into the situation, and we make the person out to be what we'd like in our minds.

(2) Because of these infatuation-based fantasies, we over-dramatize each potential situation, having to "work up the nerve to do this or that, etc" when you should just try to get to know the person. If you end up in the friend zone, that's GREAT because you now have a chance to really get to know the person and let things naturally take their course. If she keeps you in the friend zone, it's not because of what you did, it's because her biology is telling her to choose someone else.

See, in nature, male animals spread their seed around everywhere they can, and females select the best partner available. (Humans may try to deny that this is what we also do, but still, we do it.)

Real lasting HUMAN love comes to us through friendship, not through over-anticipating an event that may or may not happen. Being relaxed and confident will take you much further than any infatuation.

reply to post by dave_welch


I say go for it. If she's the one and you do nothing you'll regret for the rest of your life. Some people say "it will ruin the friendship/make it weird. Well in my experienced if it gets weird it's because there is something there but we're just too chicken poop to do anything about it. Just go for it, whether it works or not at least you'll know.

Good Luck.

I think If I were you I would go over there and see whats happening. Try to be subtle at first though, be the same friend you were before, BUT arrange a future meet up of some kind, lunch or coffee or something.

If you haven't done anything to piss her off I see no reason at all trying to keep in touch with her would be wrong.

In conclusion, If you were on good terms before you lost touch, you most likely still are. Unless she went off the deep end somehow......for some reason.

Good luck man.

reply to post by dave_welch

About a week ago, she deleted her facebook. I don't think she was trying to avoid me, though I could be wrong. Anyway, it couldn't have happened at a worse time, as I was going to just come clean and tell her how I feel. But, now I have no way of getting a hold of her. She only lives 5 minutes away, but I don't want to be rude and just show up un-announced.

You have two choices.

1) Sit back, and wait to see IF she contacts you.

or

2) Go over there and see what's up.

5 minutes away?

If she's really your friend, and you have no other way to contact her, she should at least welcome the outreach. If not, then well, you have your answer.

Option 1 = no answers.
Option 2 = answers, but one you may not like.

The choice is yours.

(1) You still have "infatuations"... that's a school-boy crush, in other words. The kind where you have to suddenly bend down and tie your shoe if you think about it too much. The problem with this is that we tend to inject our fantasies into the situation, and we make the person out to be what we'd like in our minds.

(2) Because of these infatuation-based fantasies, we over-dramatize each potential situation, having to "work up the nerve to do this or that, etc" when you should just try to get to know the person. If you end up in the friend zone, that's GREAT because you now have a chance to really get to know the person and let things naturally take their course. If she keeps you in the friend zone, it's not because of what you did, it's because her biology is telling her to choose someone else.

Derek has it right on the money, by the way....

reply to post by dave_welch

Should I just go over there and talk to her, or should I just forget about it?

Do not go over there...

And don't just forget about her either...

Leave things as they are... IF she has feelings for you in the way you're hoping, things will happen exactly how they are supposed to happen.

IF you're good friends, that is an excellent start to what could be a relationship... but as it stands she has a husband...

She will need a friend in the future... so be that friend... stay away from a relationship with her until she makes herself available...

Let her make the first move... DO NOT make the first move... Being a woman she knows that most guys want sex...

Play it cool... be her friend until she wants more.... She will contact you if you mean something to her...

Aside from that don't even hint on a relationship... that is instant death as far as that is concerned

Thanks Everybody, looks like Consensus is to go over and say hi at least, so that's the plan. Thanks a lot everybody!

Originally posted by dave_welch
Thanks Everybody, looks like Consensus is to go over and say hi at least, so that's the plan. Thanks a lot everybody!

*facepalm*

What kinda plan is that?

She knows you're there... let her come to you...

:shk:

reply to post by Akragon


He won't get any answers that way...

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by Akragon

 

He won't get any answers that way...

He already has his answers for the moment...

1. she still married

2. canceled her facebook for some reason...

3. shes a friend to him...

4. Possibly considers him more then a friend...

IF this is the case.... she will come to him when she needs a friend...

Asking more from her at this point is just self destructive