Something I learned from my daughter today

I can relate, I am raising my niece and nephew 6 and almost 8 they came to me and my mom 2 years ago after spending 16 months in foster care (thankfully for the most part they had a great family ones that didn't use them as a meal ticket!) However when they came to us at 4 & 6 they told the kids that there mom couldn't take care of them because she was busy and the dad was at work. Now I was not really thrilled with these lies. I feel if you lie to a child you are setting up a relationship with the child built off lies and when they find out they will not trust you. People seem to think keeping the truth from a child is protecting them, however kids are strong.

About 4 months after we got them I sat my niece down and told her the whole story. Her dad was in jail than went on to explain it was not her fault and that sometimes adults do the wrong thing. She knew a little about drugs from school so I explained that when people do drugs they are more likely to make bad choices like robbing houses. I explained that it is his punishment to be in jail and that its the rules just like if she is bad she had to go stand in the corner or couldn't go outside and play. She understood and asked reasonable questions and was not upset. She asked why she was lied to and I explained some adults try and protect the child from being sad so they will make up a small lye that even though it was wrong to not tell her the truth they didn't do it for any other reason than fear of making her sad. I than went on to explain that her mom was just too young and didn't know how to care for a child properly that kids are a lot of work and she just was not ready. Its the closest thing to the truth I could come up with. Her mother has a drinking problem and can never hold down a job long so she isn't ready.

I told her that the possibility of her mom and dad getting married is highly unlikely as they do not even speak anymore but that even though they have problems I believe they do love her. And that it would be a really long time before they went to live with either mom or dad. She was a little sad but I think it brought us a lot closer together. I have a mother bond with my niece and she knows she can trust to tell me anything and knows if she comes to me with a mistake that it is better that she tells me because the consequences are less and I am understanding. I wish I was as close with my nephew but regardless of how hard I try he has always been distant and has many behavior problems. I believe this is because he still holds a strong attachment to the foster mom who they still have contact with.

Children sooner or later become teenagers and we were (maybe you the reader are) teenagers once and it is hard enough to talk with your parents when you are having problems especially when you think they wont understand or will just get mad at you.

Building trust and understanding while they are young I feel they will be more likely to come to me for help or advice. When I was a kid my mom lied to me about everything and abused me mostly verbally so its not shocking that as I grew up I didn't talk to her much about my problems and hid everything from her i did wrong and lied daily.

Wow 74 Templar
What a beautifully written OP
I don't wish to sound gay, but you are a true man and a good soul. Your thread touched me in such a way, thanks.
Keep it up my friend and the best of luck in your new relationship, may love bless you.
OK now off to manly things *opens beer with monkey wrench *

I don't even want to imagine what she felt leaving her 3 year old girl in a world with out her mother , the fear and worry about who will care for her child makes me choke up bit to be honest .

May she rest in peace that she had found a stand up guy who cared and loved her child and seemed to raised her right .

You are a true real hero in this society .

You are a good man and your kids want to see you happy , You deserve it .

Think I will go hug my lil 3 year old girl

reply to post by 74Templar


Wow, by the looks of it you seem to be a great father figure.
I respect you for sacrificing part of your life for this child and by the way you address your relationship, I can clearly figure your love for each other is unconditional. Seems you hit two birds with one stone, a daughter and a partner to cherish the wondrous joys of companionship. You deserve it buddy!

Good things

Thank you for sharing. You sound like a good father. I don't have kids of my own yet, but I think that talking to them on a respectful level, without insulting their intelligence, is important. Some kids have a good BS detector. It sounds like you have her trust and that is important. Keep nourishing that trust.

Peace to you and your family!

I read your well-written words carefully having been there done that in a couple of ways. I must tell you also that you have entirely mis-read the situation.

Your daughter's chief concern is this new friend of yours or any such friend may become more important to you that your daughter. Stated or not, expressed in others, safer ways, she fears abandonment by you.

It may turn out that no woman friend--and I suppose it could even happen with a very close maie friend, will be fully accepted by your daughter. One of my daughters at 50 is still that way. I accept it as something almost physical and must be worked around one way or another.

You need to understand the basis at that thinking because she won't and will deny it if openly mentioned. It just comes naturally to her that way.

The main contributing factor to her feelings is a fear of losing you one way or another, possibly through disease as was the case with her mother or through you sharing your love with another. Be careful.

reply to post by Aliensun


Believe me, it's something that plays on my mind quite a lot, especially given that for the last six or so years it has just been myself and my girls. I don't want to go upsetting the balance that has existed, but in the same sense I shouldn't deny myself a little happiness in order to keep things the way they are currently. Change is inevitable, regardless of which form it takes.

I guess all I can do is keep an honest and open dialogue with them, as I always have. One thing they are both very bad at is hiding their emotions when something is bothering them, so if this is becoming a problem, it will be something that is not too hard to spot early, and sort out before it becomes a major issue.

You are a hellava man. Putting their lives before yours. Spells FATHER. Actually it spells ' DAMN GOOD FATHER". This new woman in your life is really lucky to have meet a man like you. Good Luck in all that you take on. I have a 27yr old daughter, put me thru some tuff times. She turned out pretty damn savy. Again, good luck.

This OP blessed me in so many different way's......

As adult's we so very often underestimate the capacity children often have to understand the world and their ability to make sense of it. Often time's it is because we wish to delay or protect their innocence and whilst that is desirable and admirable some situation's demand for honesty and truth, even though it may be painful and uncomfortable to give this to little souls we cherish and love. Sometime's we can't shield them from real life no matter how we wish we could.......

A few year's ago my daughter was diagnosed with cancer and I was neither prepared or felt equipped as a parent...it's not something I had ever considered I would have to face. There was no option to shield her from the truth. The doctor's asked me if I wanted to tell her myself or did I want them to tell her and explain what her cancer was and how they were going to fight it. I had absolutely no idea how you tell your small child they have cancer and so I opted for them telling her whilst I was present holding her hand of course. So the same week she turned 7 year's the doctor's explained very well and in a way she could understand that she had cancer and what treatment she would have to help the good soldier's in her body get stronger and fight the bad soldier's.

She took the new's very well and she understood what she had to do to get better and accepted it. She showed more wisdom and made many more self discoveries at such a young age than I could ever claim to have done in the whole of my adult life up to that point. She had two and half year's of chemo and she remain's in remission.I am very proud of her and I shall forever be in awe of her......

Someone else mentioned the word hero....hero's come in many shape's and form's. At a time when many doubt and and groan at humanity and often view it as a lost cause.....it's reading thing's like the OP that reaffirm's to me that human's are capable of love and sacrifice on a grand scale.

You are blessed to have your family and they are blessed to have you...and I am blessed for reading your post. Thank you for touching my heart and putting a smile on my face.

reply to post by 74Templar


You are an awesome father and human being. For some reason I found your story incredibly touching and moving. Thanks for lighting up my day.

Originally posted by 74Templar
..........she does know the truth.

..........I have to be honest

..........So I was honest.

That seems to be a theme with you man. When she comes home someday with some brutal honesty about something, don't be surprised. You know where she got that trait from.

It's parents like you that help make this society strong. I would wish you the best of luck with your new relationship, but I don't think you need luck. You've got some pretty damn good karma on your side.

That was an excellent read, thank you for that.

reply to post by 74Templar


Just wanted to say what a moving and touching story......

I have seen your art talent in the Avatar Creation thread, helping others and now I see how truly gifted you are as a Person.

Your talent not only lies with creating artwork or the words you write with but the family you have raised and the sacrifices that you made along the way.
You are a Father in the truest form and your daughters are extremely lucky to have you. I respect the way you are able to talk to your daughter openly and honestly, even if awkward. Kids are a lot more aware than we give them credit for and for an adult to talk to them as a person, well that is a plus for the parent. You guys sound like you have a strong trust-bond and that is very important. She knows that she can always come to you for anything, that you will always be there for her. She is very fortunate to have you as her Father.....
Good luck with your GF, just take it a day at a time.
Wish you the best.......

Much respect~
snarky


S&F