Need some advice, can't even get a date.

Easy dude. You want a relationship and always end up being a friend. Go out to find friendships instead and you'll end up in a relationship

I would reply with my signature.
Nuff said

Now's not the time to be thinking about girls buddy, you need to focus on your life.

Once you get a job, then start working on your quality of life. Get your nest egg together, work on creating the life that you really want to live. Practice patience and don't fall for the first few who come sniffing around.

Once you are moving steadily down this road, then you'll be posting threads about how to make sure she is the right one.

You'll find that the hard part is picking between all of your options in order to make sure that the one that you choose doesn't slow you down, but instead compliments your effort towards creating the best possible life for yourself.

This is exactly why the woman you want is not in your life now. She doesn't want to be slowed down by you why you are trying to get your life together. Don't worry, she's out there, waiting patiently, and she'll still be there when you come around.

reply to post by dave_welch

Unfortunately, you have to be a bit of a "bad boy" and use the bait and switch technique ie: let them know with a strong look that you really want them (in that way), and then feign disinterest, like you don't really care, even though you do, then they'll want to try to do something to "get a rise out of you" so to speak.. they'll think they're "luring" you of course..

It's based on a deeply rooted evolutionary biological "dance". They SAY they don't want to play games, but the game must be played. They want to know that you're discriminating too and are interested in them and only them, but not soo interested that you're desperate and would quickly switch your attention to another women if she's not "putting out" ie: that you'll take anything you can get.

That's the way I understand it anyway. They SAY they want nice guy gentlemen, but that's not actually 100% true, and they do want to be chased, just don't try too hard.

Pretty crazy really when you think about it.

I have a wonderful man who opens doors, makes me breakfast, and pulls out chairs. I also have a very self confident and cocky man. He knows what he's good at and what he is not he tries to perfect. He tells me when I screw up and I offer him the same. And yes its just one man.

What are you good at that gives you confidence?
What about yourself do you want to work on?
Are you happy with yourself?

This is just me talking so take it for what its worth (maybe something or maybe nothing)
I don't want a man who is perfect.
I want to be able to grow with someone.
If you are not at the same level (emotionally, mentally, in life ) as the women you are dating you will fall into the friend zone.
I want a man who can lift me up and pull me back down too.
I want a man who can bring out the best and worst in me because that means passion
I want a man who can make his own happiness and doesn't rely on me to provide it.
I want a man who has different goals and hobbies than me. I want to learn something new

I could keep going but you get the idea.

I'm not the best person to answer your question, since I am in a similar boat, difficult to get more than a couple dates out of the same person...I will just make a brief comment. I know one young lady that is always aloof to me and just a friend. We have a lot in common as far as interests, personality, etc., but she doesn't seem to care about any of that. Anyway, I once was a little more perturbed with her than usual (I usually don't outwardly manifest frustration toward her) but this time I kind of was a little more rough and unusually sarcastic in my tone and mannerisms. All of a sudden she started smiling and couldn't stop. Frankly, I've never managed to make her light up like that before. I thought, what is wrong with this girl, here I act a little upset and she can't stop smiling? It was not a (hah hah, I got under your skin smile, it was a -I'm surprised and kind of turned on smile). My conclusion? I think some women have had messed up relationships with men and perhaps been raised by a father and possibly had relations with brothers that have really messed them up. Some unfortunately prefer grade school teasing, attention and even roughness to simply being polite and more refined in nature. Sad but I think there is some truth to it. Obviously I am not talking about physical violence or even verbal abuse.

Depends a bit on your age, but not too much.

Heres the thing - girls aren't attracted to nice guys that are kind and give them attention and constantly care etc etc.

They say thats all they want, but they never even consider the guys who are like that. Alot of it is not about the guy, but about a girl measuring her own worth by how easy the guy is to get. There are a few rare exceptions, but I'm almost 30 and I've not met one. I thought my mother was one but hey - a guy just like I described, who I was convinced she was going to love, just got dropped after their first meeting because she 'felt no attraction' despite him filling all of her requirements and being a lovely guy.

Try not to think of it as being an asshole, think that you're playing a social 'game'. you need to tease, you need to make them want you and wonder if theyre good enough for you, then you switch.. show them some charm.. but in a controlled way. then next time you see them.. blank them. not to a rude level, just.. hold your ground. .make her wonder again, make her seem like shes falling for you..

All this is terribly hard to explain without it being incorrectly communicated... But it helps if you look at it like this - you're sitting at a computer program. you need to provide specific inputs in a specific order to get the required response. It varies with every persno but there are similarities - you should approach learning how to do this as figuring out what to do when. If something doesnt work, try something else - note the reaction. Etc.

I honestly would recommend reading some material.. not those 'how to pickup chicks' guides.. but things like how to engage in conversation, what subconscious signals people use when theyre communicating with each other, what subconscious signals you send, etc.

reply to post by bigrex


You may have ignited a spark. By getting a little angry or irritated you show a little dominant nature and, believe it or not, many girls see that as a plus. You also show yourself as more than friend material if we can light a spark in you.

reply to post by dave_welch


Having read the solid replies, and there are many with regards to having confidence, being positive, and funny, but there's another factor - location. If you find yourself in a small town you'll have worse luck find a date than in a larger town or city. Consider broadening your location horizons, and use Internet dating sites - they're the norm these days.%

Cheers, and good luck.

Edit: I 100% agree with member Quauhtli - focus on yourself first. Ladies will come, they're easy once life comes together, but even then to get the best for you - consider the above thoughts.

depends on the social environment, and you need to adapt. Im a uni student, which is split 50/50, either you spent years getting to know a girl, or you act alpha and pull on a night out. The majority of girls nowadays like the muscly jerks who 'treat them mean to keep them keen'. I like to think of myself as a gentleman, and im slowly learning that there are very niche crowds where that is desirable, and unfortunately, uni club life is not one of them.

If you are getting first dates but not second dates, then you suck on the first date. Take a female friend you turst out, and do everything you would on a date and get her feedback. If you don't have a female friend you can trust then here is my 2 cents...

Be yourself but tailor yourself to your surroundings. instead of telling her your a recovering alcholic, when it's time to order drinks say something like "i am driving, I need to be responsible, so i will just have a coke" here you are being honest, but if she asks, tell her something like. I did some stupid stuff when I was younger so now i rarely drink.

Don't go all, my favorite website is ATS.com, its really cool, i was reading how all the politicians are lizards....
If she says her political hero is Kennedy, come back with "who do you believe killed him?" If you want to start the conspericy talk. If she has no interest in it, move on.

Try to ask questions that cannot be answered with yes or no.

unless she is a movie buff, don't quote more then one movie line a night, unless you can throw in a chick flick line. i.e "i carried a watermellon" or "look at you with a baby in a bar"

This was a fun thread to read

I agree with some of the above posters. One need to stay a bit cool w women and act as though you have three more just waiting to go out w you. Have them wait a little for you. Show up late or reschedule the date. And I would say do not get too personal in a nice guyish way ever on a first date.

reply to post by dave_welch


Hey Friend..I Really do agree with the other post. If you act confident and secure you WILL BE Much more attractive in thier eyes.
Don't ask me why??I am talking from experience and have many years behind me, near 50 yrs actually.

I'm not saying to act like an arse, although some would argue that an effective appraoch as well,but it's in poor taste and didn't work for me.
There is something that takes place in the mind...This is a talk my friends and I had growing up...People almost Always want what they can't have! it's just the way it is..I remember being totally beside myself and couldn't understand how I had created this hopeless situation..

Think about what your new friend is sensing during your communication.
Is that the scenerio which will most likely create the end result your looking for?
Think about the last time some has tried to sell you a car or whatever. If they are overly pushy to the point of making me uncomfortable, I am almost certainly not going to be interested.

Please forgive me if I'm a little strong in my message.It's with good intentions I assure you.

Good Luck and Be Confident.Remind yourself of your strong points,quietly (: but often for a while.


Tom

im the same way.

1 dont be so formal. most chicks these days young or older havent been raised with the best of parents,so they arent expecting flowers, doors opened , jacket on puddle ect ect. when you bring flowers on a first date , it says WOAH THIS GUY IS TOO SERIOUS lol or even little gifts like chocolates or beanie bears or w/e. that stuff should only be used on special ocasions (so i found out lol) or even until you really start dating full time not the first couple of dates.
(ps most chicks say they want that crap, but when confronted with it , run away lol)

2 always have confidence, doesnt matter if you are a complete scab. ive seen guys with pizza face, buck teeth, and balding land some um better looking counter parts heh and the same for oposite. why? they act themselves and they look hideous so really what can the world really throw at them next? they have confidence.

3 have real stuff to talk about, real hobbies. not like collecting comic books and crap. if you dont have any , find something you like, hiking biking boating or even something you can do inside wine tasting/collecting. no one wants someone boring. (ps .. tv/video games is not a hobby, dont even talk about tv/games even if she brings it up, for more than 5-10 mins tops)

4 many people say they dont care about status or money or ect ect. its a lie they do. hardly anyone i know or know of in a relationship goes completely out of their own tier. and by that i mean not many wealthy tycoons are looking for a street hooker type (well at least to marry ^^) or rather if you came from low income you will most likely marry low income/middle class and vice versa witha few exceptions.

5 get the hell out of the area. if you are just dating people in area move on, try a different town or even try dating sites or at least single meet up sites that go camping biking rafting ect if you are just looking local, you are looking for easy love and well that never works unless you have an um accident ^^ and even then.......

6 dont act like you are on a date, act like you are having lunch with friends and family. well unless you are an utter pig with friends and family lol. if you look all up-tight and nervous for 30mins- hours it makes things akward lol. dont have to worry about every last word omg is she going to think this or that because i said something. who cares go with the flow sit back kick legs out and enjoy his or her time. no one actually cares about the date, when you are done you want to feel like " hey that was fun and relaxed and we had good conversations". you want to be able to talk about the person you went on the date with to others and not the date itself. you can buy all the crap in the world and have the best place best dinner ect ect, at the end if you were just a stick in the mud, boring and didnt try anything new. thats all they will remember.

7 last but not least, DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT CONSPIRACY ANYTHING LOL on any date EVER. even if you know shes into it. save that crap for when you are past dating and sitting around the kitchen table drunk or something ^^

staying away from these things has gotten me a date or two ^^ or at least saved them haha. but again its different for everyone this is just some things that have helped me . and yes currently in a long relationship of almost 2 years ^^

reply to post by dave_welch



Do you sing, play guitar, trumpet, Jews harp

Then upload and collaborate at an independent musician website. Do charity work that way you might meet more people that won't be stuck on themselves. Stay away from the women that need plenty of upkeep. I don't think you'll be happy. Most men are not happy with a lot of them, so be careful and good luck!!!!

Any woman worth your time will appreciate the special details, such as opening the door for her. I was single for over 5 years after my first marriage dissolved and I had nothing but fun. I dated quite a bit, but I did it on my terms. I did not accept anything but respect from the men I dated. That is what real, confident women want - RESPECT. We do not want to be treated like crap, we do not want to be treated like a sexual object. We want to be treated like a human being. That's it.

I will say that 'looking for love' comes across as desperate and is a total turn off. Go out. Have fun. Be yourself. She will find you. When I was out having fun, being single, I was not looking for love, I was looking to have fun and be free. And that is exactly when he found me. We had known each other for almost 20 years, although not kept in touch much and I had never seen him as boyfriend material. At least, not until he presented himself to me that way and asked me on a date. So focus on YOU, and do whatever it is that makes you happy. this is the time you will most likely find your love.


As for the nice guy part, I happen to have settled down with a 'nice' guy. He has always treated me with the utmost respect, all while still retaining himself in our relationship. By this I mean he is not 'whipped' an has his own mind. He has always been confident of what he had to offer, and presented it with a take it or leave it attitude, same as I presented to him.

Originally posted by thinline
If you are getting first dates but not second dates, then you suck on the first date. Take a female friend you turst out, and do everything you would on a date and get her feedback. If you don't have a female friend you can trust then here is my 2 cents...

Be yourself but tailor yourself to your surroundings. instead of telling her your a recovering alcholic, when it's time to order drinks say something like "i am driving, I need to be responsible, so i will just have a coke" here you are being honest, but if she asks, tell her something like. I did some stupid stuff when I was younger so now i rarely drink.

Don't go all, my favorite website is ATS.com, its really cool, i was reading how all the politicians are lizards....
If she says her political hero is Kennedy, come back with "who do you believe killed him?" If you want to start the conspericy talk. If she has no interest in it, move on.

Try to ask questions that cannot be answered with yes or no.

unless she is a movie buff, don't quote more then one movie line a night, unless you can throw in a chick flick line. i.e "i carried a watermellon" or "look at you with a baby in a bar"

I actually kind of forced (or was very open that I wanted a little feedback) one young lady to give me some constructive feedback after such a 'one-off' date. She said I was a fairly nice looking guy but basically I made her feel uncomfortable and nervous. Sheesh, I guess that is not good but what can you do. Touchy creatures, I can't be a court jester 24/7, can't dumb it down that much, lol.

Well, it's nice to know there are other people who have had the same problems. I'm just too old fashioned, I guess. The main problem that I've found with the women I date (usually age 21-25 as I'm only 25), is that the get uncomfortable when you do the things that you would think would be the nice thing to do, i.e. opening the car door, pulling out her chair, ect. Which doesn't make sense to me. If I'm on a date and the girl I'm with shows no interest at all, or only talks about herself, then I'm going to get real bored, real fast. Not that I like to talk about myself, but two-way conversations are always nice. Another thing, is I was raised pretty poor, so I'm not very hung up on material stuff. As far as hobbies, I play guitar, I sing, I play drums, and i'm working on harmonica. I also build and race cars. In the summer It's much easier for me, since I'll spend time at the local dragstrip and that's a great way (for me) to meet people. However, most girls nowadays will instantly make up her mind that she's not interested when you pull up in a rough-looking, souped up, 80 Firebird. Plus, most of my friends are what I guess you'd call hippies, and though I am a bit of a hippy myself, I'm not all hung up on saving the whales or whatever, I guess for me it's more about the music and the people.

The last date I went on was with a girl that a girl friend of mine set me up with because she was "perfect" for me, according to her. I've known her for 20 years, so I figured she knew me well enough to know such things. Anyway. I pick this girl up, and first thing she does is say "Whats with your car? Why would you drive that?" Then she complains about the music on my ipod "God, all this is so old." or "Why do you like this, you can't even dance to it." to which I retort in my usual polite manner, "You can dance to any music." (by the way, the song playing was Twist and Shout by the Beatles (a dance number, ha ha). Then, because I didn't know better, we go to a nice steakhouse and she immediately starts complaining that she can't believe I took her there, since she's a vegan (something I was not aware of). So I say, how about we just go to Boomers (a local bar) for karaoke, and she gets mad about that saying that I "just want to get her drunk, so I can get in her pants" which, of course, was not my plan, I was just trying to make it a fun night. Plus, the whole time she was texting on her phone. Who does that? Why would you go on "blind" date, be that rude, and text the whole time. So finally I said, "How about I just take you home, because you don't seem to be having to good a time." and she says "God, I thought you'd never ask." So I take her home, and she just gets out of the car as soon as I stop and doesn't even say bye or thanks. Worst date I've ever been on!

Now, granted, that's a pretty extreme case, but I have noticed that most girls are constantly tied to their phone. When I go on a date, I put my phone on silent, or just shut it off completely. So I call the friend that set me up and asked her what the hell she was thinking. She says, "I don't get it, she's usually so sweet." So she called her, because she was mad that I was upset about the whole thing and apparently the girl I went on the date with said "Oh, I thought he was nice, I don't know what his problem was." What the hell is that about? So, my friend asked me all the details, which I laid out like I have here. Of course, we're close friends, so she believe me, then she talks to the girl again and finds out that she was texting another guy the whole time. I guess I just have bad luck, lol.

Anyway, I've tried the online dating thing, have been on one site for 2 years now, but it just doesn't work very well, I think I may be the only person with an honest profile. Now, before you say, "be yourself, be confident, don't run yourself down" I don't, in fact I just act natural, and make jokes and stuff. So far, people seem to think that I'm letting women walk all over me, which I'm not, if something's not right, I'll let them know, I'm just not rude about it. One time, a girl broke up with me because I didn't vote for Obama. Now, I guess you should be on the same page, but I just don't think politics should have any bearing on relationships. I didn't bring it up. I try to stay away from political conversations, because people hold tight to their opinions.

Well, I'm rambling again. Guess I'll shut up for a bit.

reply to post by dave_welch



If you're unemployed, then you've obviously got other priorities than dating right now. I'm sure you'll find the confidence returning after you are once again gainfully employed. I feel your pain. The job market sucks right now. I too am out of work, and it's tough. I'm usually overqualified for anything, which sucks. Luckily, I've got lots of irons in the fire that ensures enough incoming to pay the bills, but it's tricky each month. Still, I'm sure your confidence will return when you feel more on your feet.

Having been the kind of guy always in the friend zone, I know how you feel, but eventually, you'll meet the right kind of girl who will appreciate the nice guy you are. Age is a factor though, and women in their 20's aren't likely to know what they are looking for yet.