My most powerful struggle! Fighting against myself!

I cannot express enough how much it has helped me hearing all of you're experience, advice, directional guidance and even critical thinking here. My heart goes out to all of you, and knowing that the same thing being suffered by me is not that uncommon it eases my mind and heart to know I am not completely off base.
I do not know what the road ahead will bring me, I do know that now I feel inspired to continue in it. Her efforts to repair things have honestly, been profound.
My resentment has been deep seated, the scars on my heart are still there and as many have said, "in time" all things will heal. I believe that, and I have communicated my inner most concerns with her, just recently and I thank you all for helping me feel inspired to do so. Her response was more than favorable. Only time will tell, and if I look back many years form now and seen that it was not worth it, atleast my conscience will be clean with God, my beautiful sons and myself, because I gave it my honest effort. I will not be a fool though, and seeing the repeated patterns of her previous conduct I will not sweep under the rug.
There are things about me that I will work on, she expressed to me that my macho demeanor makes it so that I am not to approachable, I never knew this, so now, Ill work on showing more humility. The point is, it will take change for the both of us to make things better or atleast make it so we are on our way to better days.
I have learned that the variables of what path to take can be endless sometimes, but as long as your mate knows what path you are walking in a figurative sense atleast they know they can join you or vise versa.

My path is one of peace, love, good days and........................................................forgiveness.

Originally posted by SBMcG
reply to post by imagineering

 

[Part II]

I had been emailing and contacting my friend throughout all of it. Then there came a night when my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I was alone, and I jokingly replied that I wasn’t – I had my cat with me. In the same flat affect that my wife used when she asked me for a divorce, he told me that he and she were now “dating”.

Then it hit me. All the tumblers fell into place and the door swung open…

It was the first (and only so far) time in my life that I have been made physically ill by something other than a medical ailment. It was absolutely the darkest time in my life. The two people I trusted the most – and trust, honor, and faithfulness are HUGE with me -- betrayed me in the worst way possible. Right under my nose.

In the almost 4 years since then, I have done a considerable amount of post-mortem analysis on the demise of my marriage and have come to a few very painful conclusions that factor into the OP’s situation, chief among them this one:

My faith and trust in the woman I was married to for 25 years was misplaced and ultimately wasted. I will never put myself in the position of investing so much of myself in anyone again. I will never be able to trust anyone as deeply as I trusted her again, and I will never have another close male friend again.

Because I have fallen into this black hole and come out the other side, I can now look back and see what the OP probably hasn’t yet. The relationship has changed. It is not, and cannot ever again be what it was. Either you are willing to adjust personally and live with that, or you let yourself grieve for what was, be angry about it, resign yourself to the reality of it, pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Again, trust, honesty, and faithfulness are huge to me. Maybe not so much to others, but I will never again put myself in the position where I could lose so much because events were taking place beyond my control.

Am I bitter? Probably. But not too much. I don’t waste a lot of time thinking about it these days. I’m an only child who was orphaned at 12 so I know how to spend time alone and am fine with that.

Am I still angry? Absolutely. The two people I trusted the most betrayed me in the worst way possible.

OP – my two cents, ask yourself this: would it be easier and less painful to end the relationship now or spend a few more years trying to save it only to find that you had wasted those years?

Finally, someone asked me recently if my ex showed up at my door would I sit down and talk with her. Without hesitation I answered “no”. I would tell her to get the ____ out. Damaged goods is damaged goods, baby! Lie to me once, shame on you. That second time is my fault…

I appreciate this, thank you for you're input. You have all the respect i can give.

I think the only thing I can contribute to this discussion is the notion of time.
When you are in the aftermath of being hurt or hurting someone you really have no way of knowing just how long it will take to reach some sense of resolution.
I wouldn't say my marriage has been typical compared to others. I've been on both the receiving end and the giving end, but adultery has always been the least of our concerns. Even now, he seems to keep his equilibrium by labeling our relationship as "open".
His biggest issue has always been our sepate mental states. For example, he wanted a divorce once because he'd had a realization that we were married under the wrong pretenses or he wanted to leave me because I wasn't coping with my depression in whatever manner he expected me to.

My main point though is that when you are WITHIN the turmoil you have no way of comprehending just how many years it will likely draw out. Even if you DO choose to leave her there will still be residual drama/pain/issues to work through for many months.
I mean, I've only been married six years and these mental battles started in the second year! For all I know I'm still right in the middle of it. It will take the perspective of hindsight for me to view it all in its entirety.
In your situation, the only one who can decide just how they want to experience such a long drawn-out process before they get to experience the gift of hindsight is you.

Edit: it seems in the time it took me to type this up (I blame bad Internet and two-finger typing via iPad) that the OP has come to his consensus to include my mentioning of the time-factor of these kinds of experiences.
OP, I wish you the best.

Originally posted by awakendhybrid
I think the only thing I can contribute to this discussion is the notion of time.
When you are in the aftermath of being hurt or hurting someone you really have no way of knowing just how long it will take to reach some sense of resolution.
I wouldn't say my marriage has been typical compared to others. I've been on both the receiving end and the giving end, but adultery has always been the least of our concerns. Even now, he seems to keep his equilibrium by labeling our relationship as "open".
His biggest issue has always been our sepate mental states. For example, he wanted a divorce once because he'd had a realization that we were married under the wrong pretenses or he wanted to leave me because I wasn't coping with my depression in whatever manner he expected me to.

My main point though is that when you are WITHIN the turmoil you have no way of comprehending just how many years it will likely draw out. Even if you DO choose to leave her there will still be residual drama/pain/issues to work through for many months.
I mean, I've only been married six years and these mental battles started in the second year! For all I know I'm still right in the middle of it. It will take the perspective of hindsight for me to view it all in its entirety.
In your situation, the only one who can decide just how they want to experience such a long drawn-out process before they get to experience the gift of hindsight is you.

Edit: it seems in the time it took me to type this up (I blame bad Internet and two-finger typing via iPad) that the OP has come to his consensus to include my mentioning of the time-factor of these kinds of experiences.
OP, I wish you the best.

edit on 26-12-2012 by awakendhybrid because: (no reason given)

Thank you, you're feedback is certainly appreciated.
I hope the best for you indeed.

reply to post by imagineering

I am sorry to hear that you've experienced such events in you life. I applaud your courage to expose yourself to strangers such as me .

First, you set your own limit on the shiznit you can take from someone. Nobody will decide this. You set the boundaries.

You probably heard of the saying forgive and forget. I don't want to patronize you at this point but those two words are very important as they go hand in hand. You seem to have already forgiven her which gave the chance to rekindle and mend your souls. Now the hard part is forgetting the pain. Especially if you have a good memory like I do .

It is essential that you stop revisiting this place of pain in your life with her ,otherwise you will always associate her with this event. You must work at changing your internal dialogue and stop reinforcing the notion that she lied, cheated, etc. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. It's all in your head. I am not saying to become a socio-path and block out your emotions. I am suggesting that pain memory is real and that it can be unlearned.

Also, don;t live in the past, the past is well past. We make decisions and things change people change we live in a dynamic world after all.

I say nothing is worth doing if it doesn't take sacrifice. Love is one of them. That is why not everybody stays in a couple. It is a challenge. Good luck to you and don't loose the light inside you keep it real! Peace!

reply to post by imagineering


I wake up every day now, feeling a pull within me to run away. To find love again and to start new, this is my conflict. It came up into my heart without any invitation at all from me! It angers me! My marriage is scarred now, skewed deeply and I have not felt proud of it for some time now. This is very troublesome for me, because I do love my family and my "works" for it have always been faithful. If I could take the blame for it all, I would be more than happy too, then it would all make sense.
I see in my mind eye what would happen if I was ever tempted for a new life.........and it scares me.

Listen, it's just a marriage not death row. If you feel you don't want to be her husband anymore get a divorce. Will it be painful? Probably, but now you are just wasting the little time you have on this planet. You seem to be in serious need of a new relationship with your self.

If that is not a typo where you say "the ones that engaged with your wife" then I would say that you should listen to that pull you feel when you wake up in the morning. Because my friend if that is not a typo then she has, or will do it to you again.

Originally posted by hotel1
If that is not a typo where you say "the ones that engaged with your wife" then I would say that you should listen to that pull you feel when you wake up in the morning. Because my friend if that is not a typo then she has, or will do it to you again.

You said what my inner most mind has been telling me. And......I know many of you here will disagree with my coarse, I HAVE decided to give her another chance. No typo by the way.....sad I know. I truly think that If I did not have three children with her, everything would be different. MAybe Im whipped, maybe Im a fool in love.
Maybe I loved her truly and it cannot be easily undermined. Maybe Im just an idiot. MAybe Im too forgiving and and unrealistic!

I just do not know.

Originally posted by imagineering

Originally posted by hotel1
If that is not a typo where you say "the ones that engaged with your wife" then I would say that you should listen to that pull you feel when you wake up in the morning. Because my friend if that is not a typo then she has, or will do it to you again.

You said what my inner most mind has been telling me. And......I know many of you here will disagree with my coarse, I HAVE decided to give her another chance. No typo by the way.....sad I know. I truly think that If I did not have three children with her, everything would be different. MAybe Im whipped, maybe Im a fool in love.
Maybe I loved her truly and it cannot be easily undermined. Maybe Im just an idiot. MAybe Im too forgiving and and unrealistic!

I just do not know.

I do not consider you a fool, I admire you for thinking more for your children than for yourself. I don't know how old you are or wehter you are in any sort of shape, but maybe you could consider engaging with others after all you dont have to tell her about it, and it may even give you some fresh perspective. Just something to think about that might make you feel more alive than you do now.

Originally posted by hotel1

Originally posted by imagineering

Originally posted by hotel1
If that is not a typo where you say "the ones that engaged with your wife" then I would say that you should listen to that pull you feel when you wake up in the morning. Because my friend if that is not a typo then she has, or will do it to you again.

You said what my inner most mind has been telling me. And......I know many of you here will disagree with my coarse, I HAVE decided to give her another chance. No typo by the way.....sad I know. I truly think that If I did not have three children with her, everything would be different. MAybe Im whipped, maybe Im a fool in love.
Maybe I loved her truly and it cannot be easily undermined. Maybe Im just an idiot. MAybe Im too forgiving and and unrealistic!

I just do not know.

I do not consider you a fool, I admire you for thinking more for your children than for yourself. I don't know how old you are or wehter you are in any sort of shape, but maybe you could consider engaging with others after all you dont have to tell her about it, and it may even give you some fresh perspective. Just something to think about that might make you feel more alive than you do now.

I am early 30's.
5'11 200 lbs.
I run every other day.
And no.....my purpose is to ease my conscience and struggle not provoke it, and "engaging" with others would be a regression through and through.

Originally posted by imagineering

Originally posted by hotel1

Originally posted by imagineering

Originally posted by hotel1
If that is not a typo where you say "the ones that engaged with your wife" then I would say that you should listen to that pull you feel when you wake up in the morning. Because my friend if that is not a typo then she has, or will do it to you again.

You said what my inner most mind has been telling me. And......I know many of you here will disagree with my coarse, I HAVE decided to give her another chance. No typo by the way.....sad I know. I truly think that If I did not have three children with her, everything would be different. MAybe Im whipped, maybe Im a fool in love.
Maybe I loved her truly and it cannot be easily undermined. Maybe Im just an idiot. MAybe Im too forgiving and and unrealistic!

I just do not know.

I do not consider you a fool, I admire you for thinking more for your children than for yourself. I don't know how old you are or wehter you are in any sort of shape, but maybe you could consider engaging with others after all you dont have to tell her about it, and it may even give you some fresh perspective. Just something to think about that might make you feel more alive than you do now.

I am early 30's.
5'11 200 lbs.
I run every other day.
And no.....my purpose is to ease my conscience and struggle not provoke it, and "engaging" with others would be a regression through and through.

Understood, it was merely a suggested course of action and in no way meant to cause you further upset. In your reply you say you wish to ease your conscience but based on what you have posted so far I am unable to see why you are the one with the troubled conscience.

Well don't do what I do, drink ya problems away, it gets costly and not worth it, but worth it when tipsy. Dealing with them problems is really to much when sober, I like being buzzed cause I don't care about them and move on.