My most powerful struggle! Fighting against myself!

I am having a conflict, I have never ever waged a battle like this. It makes me afraid, it makes my good days dim. I love her, my wife and for me I was looking forward to a life where I could have romantic days, days of peace and days of being her hero. Days where I could enjoy with her without anything to hinder its progress.
I have always believed and known that the quality of love is infinitely progressive, and I wanted to experience that with her.
We are coming up to our ten year anniversary, and these last two years have been dark ones. I am struggling to get back to the place where her and I used to be, where we had clean consciences as a faithful married couple. I was not the one who failed, she failed me. When I first heard of this I could physically feel the change that occurred, it was like a dark veil was placed over my whole soul, my whole view of what love was. All of my light was snatched away from me. I gave up struggling to find the answers as to why, I was as a real man to her, and her excuses where not sufficient. The love I felt for her caused me to extend mercy, and I was very optimistic that things would heal and we would grow again.
Two years it has been, and she is doing great. But for me I hide my struggle. I just cant seem to get back to the place where I can say to myself I truly love her. I cannot say I do not love her. My anger sometimes over-reaches me, who the hell do these men think they are that think they have the freedom to violate our families?
Where is my vengeance? I have never prayed that the ones who engaged with my wife would suffer, But, I have always prayed that I could find forgiveness for them, so that my pain inside would fade away.
I wake up every day now, feeling a pull within me to run away. To find love again and to start new, this is my conflict. It came up into my heart without any invitation at all from me! It angers me! My marriage is scarred now, skewed deeply and I have not felt proud of it for some time now. This is very troublesome for me, because I do love my family and my "works" for it have always been faithful. If I could take the blame for it all, I would be more than happy too, then it would all make sense.
I see in my mind eye what would happen if I was ever tempted for a new life.........and it scares me.

How have you coped?

I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for 10 years and have never been happier.
After 6 years my then wife hooked up with some dude that she met in an AOL chatroom, she will claim to this day that they only had lunch but I didnt believe her then and it doesnt matter what I believe now.
I told her fine, ill forgive you but I never did, I was lying to myself to keep my family together but the resentment and bitterness grew to much for me and I pushed her away, this caused her to leave, which is what I wanted.
Two years and 8,000 dollars later, I walk out of divorce court, with my 8 year old son, she got our daughter.

I dont understand why you think you have to go out "searching for love," cant you be happy alone?
Relationships are hard and require a lot of work, frankly, I dont have the patience for it and after 10 years
alone, ive become pretty self centered (except for my kids) there is no way that would work in a couple.

best of luck

Relationships like marriage are built almost entirely on trust. Let go of the romantic idealism and look at it logically: You two met, became infatuated with each other (some call it "falling in love"), pledged to be together and to forsake all others forever, learned to love each other as time went on....and then, 8 years into it, your wife broke her vows and destroyed the fragile trust you had together because she was bored (or whatever her reason was, typically for women it is boredom).

Trust is the glue that holds it together. You no longer have that trust, so there is no glue holding you to it, only your desire to try and salvage what once was. That is why you wake up and, in your most honest moments before you delude yourself, you feel like you could run away so easily.

You are correct, it is not like it was, because the thin gossamer thread has been severed.

Most relationships do not survive if one of the partners cheats. If you cannot trust your significant other, then what is left? If she did it once, she can do it again.

When my ex husband cheated, that was it for me. I packed all his stuff and threw it outside. End of story.

Some people can survive such a blow to their marriage, but it takes a lot of counseling, a lot of tears, and a resolution to start all over again. Forget the feelings you had before, they can no longer be resurrected because the trust is gone. You have to build new feelings and new trust, with a person who has not proven to be trustworthy.

So, you have to ask yourself: Is she, and the marriage, worth opening this wound and working through the pain and feelings of betrayal, in order to get to a place where you both can start anew? Only you can answer that.

I am struggling to get back to the place where her and I used to be, where we had clean consciences as a faithful married couple. I was not the one who failed, she failed me. When I first heard of this I could physically feel the change that occurred

When infidelity occurs, it is a highly destructive force to the bonds of trust, the very foundations of a loving coupling. This is why those in marriage are given Lawful grounds for divorcement in such terrible circumstances as adultery, which is a violation of Holy Decree as well as a defilement to the Sacrament of marriage. This is not a minor matter as awfully common as these issues are faced in a highly corrupted age.

I can not and will not judge your personal circumstances in the level of amends made by either party towards rebuilding against the transgressions made by both parties throughout the marriage, as you also could have been guilty in sins that served to damage the relationship via another form, and that is why I feel the best advice will not be gleaned from human perspectives on an internet forum.

This is a matter you need to gain Holy Counsel with in your current state of torment and confusion. Pray that our Holy Father Places in your heart and mind, the Right course of action for both you and your wife in a Wisdom, for two wrongs can never make Right and the human nature is folly void of Grace.

reply to post by imagineering


You know what, I have been in your position, married, and cheated on.

Despite still having a love and affection towards the man, I ended it, because he had lost respect for me, couldn't entirely see a future for us, and been untrue.

A month later he began to regret what he had done, but my resolve held.

Sadly he died a couple of years later, and although I still have times where I wish things had worked out differently, I also know the relationship would never have been the same.

We didn't have kids together, which is a blessing, in fact the act of not continuing in the relationship and moving on is what has brought me two beautiful children.

I have two pieces of advice for you...

1) Get out, move on, hard to do yes, but in time, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Men in particular I feel have a fear of change when it comes to relationships, and tend to be a little more hesitant to make the leap, I don't know why, pride perhaps, fear of being perceived to have failed, but in general this appears to be what experience has taught me.

there is no shame in breaking out of a relationship which does not leave one or both individuals feeling fulfilled. In the long term it only serves to prolong the pain, and waste what opportunities may lay ahead to lead to a more fulfilled life.

2) Please try to stop blaming the wrong person.

When my Husband did what he did, despite the woman being a bit of a jezzabelle, I hold no malice, or grudge against her for her part.

It is the responsibility of the individual in the relationship to have the strength to stay true, not the head turner.

It is your partner who has let you down, has made the choice to stray, I know its hard, thee is a part of you that loves her, but she is the problem, not the other man, in fact he has done you a favor by bringing to light her weakness.

If reading this makes a lot of sense to you, then perhaps for you it is time to break out and move on.

If reading this has you scrambling to her defence, then stay, tough it out, and make it work.

If you go for the second option, and it continues not to work, the first option becomes the only door open to you.

Good luck my friend, I hope you, and your other half find peace.

My husband of 33 years is leaving me. He is selfish, thinks the grass is greener on the other side, takes things for granted.... I was a good,kind, caring, loving woman who gave my everything.

So, leave now or take the chance of her cheating again after many years together. Good luck.

Even if you leave, you are still going to have to find it within yourself to forgive. Not being able to forgive has you stuck, it is festering in your soul like the poison it is. Also if you cannot forgive it, chances are you yourself will commit the same heinous act against another man. Such is the nature of hate, we become what we hate. These are not my rules, I have just observed them in the course of my life, and suffered them to be sure.

Forgiveness is very very hard, the deeper the wound, the harder the cure. My heart goes out to you. The only thing that helps me is the absolute knowledge that if I walked in the shoes of the person who has hurt me, I would behave exactly as they did. This is a fact.

I am a religious person, and I have been forgiven over and over by God, not because I earned it or deserve it, but because it is his nature. No matter how hard, make forgiveness a part of your nature. You have my prayers and my hope.

I would like to thank everyone for your input.....And some of you here even managed to encourage me. I think that is what I have needed, some encouragement. I respect the adverse opinions as well, some here have translated me falsely but that is ok too. I loved with a true love and enduring in that is important, I am a man of faith for certain and I know God "hates a divorcing" and to be honest maybe working to much made her resent me, but I did it with pure motives, she was able to stay home with our children and It was something she wanted, so, I did my utmost to try to assist her in that respect. The demons riding my back now and struggle to endure, but I am determined, I just hate the feelings and living in those feeling may take time to.....accept.

I dont know....I lack a lot of wisdom, but like I said already, I am a man of faith. One person here said that God has forgivn them countless times, and hearing that inspired me to stick to my goal of imitating God. He has forgiven me too in many things, so thank you for saying that whomever you are.

reply to post by Iamschist


Thank you.......

reply to post by imagineering


Probably a bad thread for me to read

Your post was true, at least from your perspective. I can feel your energy.. Peace can only be found in you.. If you have this peace regardless of the outside world you are golden.. That post you said thank you to was very wise.

I wish you peace, and a merry christmas.

Good luck with your heart.

reply to post by imagineering

some here have translated me falsely but that is ok too. I loved with a true love and enduring in that is important, I am a man of faith for certain and I know God "hates a divorcing" and to be honest maybe working to much made her resent me, but I did it with pure motives

I will clarify because I felt this was partly directed with my post in mind. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong on that impression because I do not intend to cause any misunderstanding/offense, only to be honest to the state of our human condition in sin. When I made statement regarding transgressions in the marriage by both parties, I was highlighting the state of committing sins within the marriage that caused disharmony each way, though not all sin is equal in measure. If you feel your only 'sin' affecting the partnership was "working too much", then it is wiser to be more honest with yourself for healing and Repartition to be Allowed by His Grace if that is what you BOTH Truly desire.

A list of sins linked as a general gauge of our daily errors and transgressions. We require Salvation for Good reason in this state of corruption, prey to sin until a Changing in Christ by Grace, and not all will be held in Favour, for not all sin is created equal and not all care to repent, rejecting the Law AND the Creator alike in continuous proud and selfish rebellions, turning away from the Truth Calling within.
www.wogim.org...

As a faithful, I am sure you are aware that our Father hates the sin and never the sinner. This is why He is so full of Mercy, Forgiveness and Compassion in His Love despite our fallen state here. However we all need to understand our Father already knew the gross harm that the act of adultery does to so many of His children, enough so to make it a COMMANDMENT to not ever violate and open the doors to those negative geared 'changings' within (no matter the circumstance of perceived hurt by an offending party) that you honestly expressed it did without surprise. The Commandment was not ever "thou shalt not divorce", for there certainly are grounds where it is for the betterment of both souls that some are separated, when by free will many children opt not to aspire to a state of Obedience, to do His Will in aiding the Sanctification of a marriage that is entered into as a Sacrament. He hates the deed of divorce, although He hated the number one cause of divorce in adultery enough to make it 1 of 10 Issued Commandments.

Not all marriages are Sanctified in Him and that was where I was making the statement that I cannot judge whether it cannot now be re-Sanctified with a strong intent by both towards a Healing--- and in your case the battle toward sincere forgiveness.

Whatever the outcome in both your wills and by Grace, Iamchist hit the nail on the head expressing that forgiveness is key and required for your state of betterment (and hers to help repair her shame) in the virtues of unconditional love whether the marriage dissolves by further harming or not. What Wisdom in the outreach I encouraged will Reveal to you is whether or not the marriage is Truly salvageable in the Truth and whether it was Ordained in Christ from the very beginning.

May you both be Counseled and Repaired Accordingly with this struggle in the flesh.

reply to post by imagineering


I have no answers, but I do see where a lot of the problems in a marriage originate.
Our perception of marriage is built on lies.

The two don't become as one.
Each spouse remains 100% a separate human being. And, EVERY human being has wants and needs that the other spouse simply cannot ever hope to fulfill. It's impossible.

Truth in labeling
We can label someone a friend, a brother or a sister, or even a work associate. If any of these people tell us that they slept with someone, we don't feel betrayed in the least. Quite the opposite, we usually want to hear all the juicy details. But label that person a spouse and our whole world falls apart. Why is it perfectly okay for others to have experiences in life, but not a husband or a wife? I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but rather, the idea of 'cheating' only sets up relationships to fail, be it having actual sex with someone or talking too much with someone online. If we get a hint that our spouse is feeling sexually aroused by someone - it's cheating. And this begs the next question of:

Why does love reside in the crotch?

Maybe the marriage vows should include: Do you promise to give your vagina-or-penis only to so n' so til death do you part? You've had a best friend for decades and never had sex with them. You care for this friend. You are always there for him. You go out drinking, go hunting, skiing... No doubt about it, you love this person with your heart. More to the point, you could care less what he does with his sex organs.

So, why is sex with another person an act of your spouse taking their love away from you? Well, it isn't (unless it's for revenge, but that means the love is already gone from that relationship). When a spouse cheats, the other spouse is usually the last thing on their mind. It has nothing to do with love, and probably has a lot to do with boredom and the need to feel alive. Don't we all need that from time to time?

Some answers, but only my opinion
Don't let your relationship get stuck in a rut. Single or married, people need excitement and a lust for SOMETHING. Some people devote their lives to science (higher learning), some to making lots of money. Some fill their lives with helping the needy. Point is, people need more than just being a husband or a wife. Whether these activities are done separate or together, if it's truly rewarding then people won't be so quick to jump into bed with others.

You do not own your spouse. You cannot control their thoughts. Allow your spouse to be whatever they want to be in life. When they succeed, cheer for them. When they fail, be there to comfort them.

reply to post by imagineering


Hi;

I can somewhat feel your pain. Although I've never been married. I'm Only 23 still young, but after me and my ex broke up after 5 years. My fault, sadly to say, but it's something I've regretted so much. I wanted to marry this girl, she was everything to me. I still talk to her, she has a kid with some dude.. So many times I think and say to my self, I want her back I want him gone. yeah.. I've thought about taking him out so I can get back with her, but I never let those thoughts come through. I still love her and it's so hard to let her go or to even tell her I still love her, she always told me she still has me in her heart..which doesn't help me much at all. But, than I think to my self maybe shes best without me, I still care a lot about her and would be there if she needed me. It's hard to cope with these things, I chose alcohol, but I'm no alcoholic. I work I haven't missed any days cause of drinking, I hardly take days off, I love work. I'm pretty social I go out and all, talk to chicks and all. I think I'm just trying to replace her with someone else, just to ease the pain. I tried that and I didn't work as good.. Iunno how to get her out of my head, maybe I don't want too. I don't even know.

reply to post by imagineering


I can only say i know where you are.And read all comments but because iv'e had adrink i will leave it till tommorrow to comment.Though on the last coment 'i read i be leive crotch does come into it.I will ost tommorrow.Srry bout spelling diction etc pissed.Night.

I have for some reason had quite a bit of experience of broken relationships. Been cheated on as well. This was many years ago and things never got the same after I found out. We separated a year later and had then lost the love we had. When I look back I think that I was wrong and I should have listened to my inner voice and ended It once I found out. It is tough to be worrIed If someone Is goIng to hurt you again. I got in very bad shape and payed a huge price for trying to save that relationship. I loved her but I think I was wrong today.

I think that it's very important to follow what you feel inside when it comes to relationship problems. One owe it to one self to make choices for feeling and beeing best possible.

I too have been cheated on before, however, I was only engaged and not married, I know how much it hurt me though, so I can imagine that after 10 years your pain must be greater. I can only say that you should not continue to subject yourself to it. However, that is a very hard thing to do, and I cannot tell you to leave your wife. I don't know if there's anything to couples counseling, but if you have not tried it, maybe you should. I have a feeling that you, like myself, are a Pisces, and we're an emotional bunch. Have you talked with close friends or family? Try to work it out, try not to let bitterness rule. But, if that does not work, maybe it's time to cut your losses. I know that sounds cold, but somethings can't be changed, and some people as well. Don't give up hope. Support and prayers from me to you buddy. I hope you find a path that leads to happiness.

Originally posted by jiggerj

So, why is sex with another person an act of your spouse taking their love away from you? Well, it isn't (unless it's for revenge, but that means the love is already gone from that relationship). When a spouse cheats, the other spouse is usually the last thing on their mind. It has nothing to do with love, and probably has a lot to do with boredom and the need to feel alive. Don't we all need that from time to time?

Some answers, but only my opinion
Don't let your relationship get stuck in a rut. Single or married, people need excitement and a lust for SOMETHING. Some people devote their lives to science (higher learning), some to making lots of money. Some fill their lives with helping the needy. Point is, people need more than just being a husband or a wife. Whether these activities are done separate or together, if it's truly rewarding then people won't be so quick to jump into bed with others.

You do not own your spouse. You cannot control their thoughts. Allow your spouse to be whatever they want to be in life. When they succeed, cheer for them. When they fail, be there to comfort them.

reply to post by imagineering


[Part I]

Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is pretty much a no-brainer.

Here’s why…

I had a wonderful marriage of 25 years to a beautiful and engaging woman. We had a son. She would always tell me how I was the only one who “got” her, “centered” her. She actually had inscribed inside my wedding ring “I love you the most” because it was a running joke about who loved who the most. She does have a moderately mercurial emotional makeup. We were extremely close and spent more time together than most couples. All aspects of what a good marriage relationship should be were there.

Like all marriages, especially ones that last as long as ours, there were issues from time-to-time, but nothing we couldn’t handle or work through. To the best of my knowledge, there were no infidelities that I know of.

So imagine my shock when out of the blue one day (late 2008), she asked me for a divorce. No warning. No indication. Just sat me down and calmly said “I want a divorce.”

At first I thought she was joking and actually chuckled. Then as I realized she was serious I asked why. For what reason? Was there a third party?

Her reasons were nebulous at best, and she adamantly denied that there was a third party of any kind involved. I begged her to do what we could to save the marriage – I mean c’mon, 25 years…

But something had all of a sudden changed with her. She was distant, cold, almost like she was following a script. Looking back, I should have been able to figure it out; it was so obvious. But at the time, I was so blind-sided, I found myself playing catch-up to what was really going on.

Until the day I learned the truth, I never stopped asking her to give it another try; I never gave up hope that our marriage and family could be saved.

We lived in a state that offered no-fault divorce. Once our assets were divvied up and debts resolved, it was literally 67 days until our divorce was final.

My best friend of 33 years was there to help as this process went along. I emailed him and talked to him every day almost. I continually told him of my desire to save my marriage. Looking back now -- and it makes me equal measures of sick and pissed off, everything he said in response was in the negative. That I had “dug a hole” with my then-wife. That nothing could be done. It was better to “move on”.

Again, when I asked why, there was always some abstract or open-ended reason that no neutral observer would buy for one minute. Still, I was so involved in my own mind with trying to figure out how to fix things that I did not see the signs right in front of me.

About 6 weeks after the divorce was final I was staying in a hotel in Houston. I was still shell-shocked at what had happened to me in a few short months – my wife was gone, our home sold, and the life I knew for 25 years gone. I truly had no clue what had really gone on and was still telling myself that whatever the issue was it could be fixed down the road.

reply to post by imagineering


[Part II]

I had been emailing and contacting my friend throughout all of it. Then there came a night when my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I was alone, and I jokingly replied that I wasn’t – I had my cat with me. In the same flat affect that my wife used when she asked me for a divorce, he told me that he and she were now “dating”.

Then it hit me. All the tumblers fell into place and the door swung open…

It was the first (and only so far) time in my life that I have been made physically ill by something other than a medical ailment. It was absolutely the darkest time in my life. The two people I trusted the most – and trust, honor, and faithfulness are HUGE with me -- betrayed me in the worst way possible. Right under my nose.

In the almost 4 years since then, I have done a considerable amount of post-mortem analysis on the demise of my marriage and have come to a few very painful conclusions that factor into the OP’s situation, chief among them this one:

My faith and trust in the woman I was married to for 25 years was misplaced and ultimately wasted. I will never put myself in the position of investing so much of myself in anyone again. I will never be able to trust anyone as deeply as I trusted her again, and I will never have another close male friend again.

Because I have fallen into this black hole and come out the other side, I can now look back and see what the OP probably hasn’t yet. The relationship has changed. It is not, and cannot ever again be what it was. Either you are willing to adjust personally and live with that, or you let yourself grieve for what was, be angry about it, resign yourself to the reality of it, pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Again, trust, honesty, and faithfulness are huge to me. Maybe not so much to others, but I will never again put myself in the position where I could lose so much because events were taking place beyond my control.

Am I bitter? Probably. But not too much. I don’t waste a lot of time thinking about it these days. I’m an only child who was orphaned at 12 so I know how to spend time alone and am fine with that.

Am I still angry? Absolutely. The two people I trusted the most betrayed me in the worst way possible.

OP – my two cents, ask yourself this: would it be easier and less painful to end the relationship now or spend a few more years trying to save it only to find that you had wasted those years?

Finally, someone asked me recently if my ex showed up at my door would I sit down and talk with her. Without hesitation I answered “no”. I would tell her to get the ____ out. Damaged goods is damaged goods, baby! Lie to me once, shame on you. That second time is my fault…

reply to post by imagineering


Hey I totally feel for you. I'm always a lurker on ATS and this post made me make an account. I've been in a bad spot like that also. I loved the girl more than the world. Took care of her two kids like they were my own (attached to her kids as much as her). Gave her every inch of my heart to get it hammered. We were on and off trying to make things work for around 5 yrs. but after I got cheated on it wasn't the same. I couldn't trust but my damn heart wouldn't let her go. I would created space between us to try and fix things in myself. I should had ran away many times and not turn back. Unfortunately I did look back, lead me to a worse position. She would promise the world to me, but sadly history repeated its self. In fact today was the last chance for her to show true colors ..... And needless to say it was a hard lesson learned for me that once trust/respect/honor is gone, it never comes back fully. Maybe your spouse won't repeat history like mine, but the trust world is forever shook up and questioned. Sad to heave that weight on your heart. Don't know your faith, but all you can do is pray, be positive, and ask for the answers to lead you in the right direction.