How does one obtain confidence?

Is this confidence to approach a woman or to build confidence in general? For the first my suggestion is simple. Even if you really, truly like the girl and find her to be the most beautiful specimen upon this earth, do not act as though you feel that way. Approach her within a manner of casual acceptance of thinking that you can always find someone else; that you do not really need her. Do not be an a-hole, obviously, but a woman does not really want a man who rolls over like a dog, reeking of desperation. By presenting yourself as a person with the ‘take her or leave her’ attitude you will show confidence but, more importantly, over time it will really sink into your head. Focus upon walking long enough and you can train yourself to walk however you desire.

As for general confidence building, because you were in the military your frame should obviously not be in need of improvement. Therefore I would recommend reading some Stoicism, find an inner calm. Inner calm presents itself as confidence and slowly you will be able to accept anything life throws at you calmly, rationally, and confidently. Lack of confidence is emotional so think of rejection, odd looks (real or imaginary), and people talking about you (real or imaginary) as being unable to hurt you. How is that possible? Get rid of the judgment, the distinctions, get rid of the “I am hurt” and you get rid of the hurt itself. Nothing, on its own, can emotionally hurt you; ONLY YOU can hurt you. Repeat after me: “Only I can hurt me. I am the master of myself. I am the master of my emotions. My emotions are slave to my will; my will is not slave to my emotions.”

Originally posted by Misoir
Is this confidence to approach a woman or to build confidence in general? For the first my suggestion is simple. Even if you really, truly like the girl and find her to be the most beautiful specimen upon this earth, do not act as though you feel that way. Approach her within a manner of casual acceptance of thinking that you can always find someone else; that you do not really need her. Do not be an a-hole, obviously, but a woman does not really want a man who rolls over like a dog, reeking of desperation. By presenting yourself as a person with the ‘take her or leave her’ attitude you will show confidence but, more importantly, over time it will really sink into your head. Focus upon walking long enough and you can train yourself to walk however you desire.

As for general confidence building, because you were in the military your frame should obviously not be in need of improvement. Therefore I would recommend reading some Stoicism, find an inner calm. Inner calm presents itself as confidence and slowly you will be able to accept anything life throws at you calmly, rationally, and confidently. Lack of confidence is emotional so think of rejection, odd looks (real or imaginary), and people talking about you (real or imaginary) as being unable to hurt you. How is that possible? Get rid of the judgment, the distinctions, get rid of the “I am hurt” and you get rid of the hurt itself. Nothing, on its own, can emotionally hurt you; ONLY YOU can hurt you. Repeat after me: “Only I can hurt me. I am the master of myself. I am the master of my emotions. My emotions are slave to my will; my will is not slave to my emotions.”

I've been living in the past for too long, I let what happened in the army affect my lifestyle and I am sick of it so now I am trying to change for the better but as some stated here earlier "practice makes perfect". I will do as you say and see if it takes root. In the meantime I have to actually meet some of these women to get a grasp on how to talk to the confidently. I appreciate the advice though.

The key to confidence is being proactive about the health of your mind, body, and soul. People immediately respect those who take care of themselves. Confidence also doesn't come overnight, you must build it gradually.

Body: Workout, eat healthy, maintain a clean appearance. Don't do it out of vanity, but understand that by being healthy and looking good, you radiate positivity. It is also an outward reflection of the discipline,self control, and care you put into yourself. Most people are too lazy to care what goes into their bodies because they know how much time and effort it requires, and will respect people who do put such time and effort. And don't preach to others about it, let your appearance speak for itself.

Mind: Learn as much as you can. Be able to talk to others about a wide range of subjects. Learn from your peers. Speak clearly and intelligently, reducing the usage of 'um' and 'like'. Look people in the eye when speaking to them. Place importance on them and they will place importance on you. Balance your intellectual confidence with humility and modesty, understanding that no matter how awesome you are, there is always room for improvement. Play up your strengths, your individuality, any unique talents or skills.

Soul: No matter what your belief system is, find a source of empowering and positive motivation. Find the beauty in life. Find meaning. When your soul is healthy and you feel happy, anything is possible. Negativity and things like fear of rejection or insecurity become things you can tackle. They are part of life but when you are confident and happy, you give yourself the tools to deal with them appropriately. Love freely, trust people, don't be closed minded, fearful, or stubborn. Give people the benefit of the doubt, understanding they may disappoint you, but also understanding the path of love and trust strengthens you in the long run.

Confidence is very much internal, but it goes hand in hand with the reactions and interactions of others to your efforts. In order for others to respect you (doesn't mean they have to like you), you must give them a reason. Being smart, healthy, and happy by doing such things as I mentioned above will win you respect over time, which will boost your confidence. This was my manual for transforming myself from a victim into a confident individual. It takes time and insecurity never goes away completely, but it's more a blip on my radar rather than a debilitating factor in my social life. I know that I am doing everything I can to be the best that I can be, and that gives me a reason to love and respect myself. And as many said, when you love and respect yourself, others will love and respect you back. Life and your reality is merely a reflection of what goes on in your head.

reply to post by Stop-loss!

You know I think I saw a picture of you bro around here on this site once so I do not think its in the looks department. And you even had a turtle as a pet, a man who has a turtle cant be all that bad. And if the ladies dont like it tell them to funk off.

So OK on that whole confidence thing, forget that #, its just some stupid game women say and play because they don't have the moxy to go and get what they really want, as such they have to play round around games to reach an end they will in all probability not like, and that my friend is for the more bright ones, the rest don't even know there nothing but shoddy actors in a play which the curtain has long since dropped. There ignorance is there bliss, that is right up in till the time they can no longer ignore it all and the whole thing comes drooping down on there heads. In effect what I am trying to say the whole confidence game is a stupid waste of time, I know this because I seen it all to often, and I myself still need to get over it all, and not only that but I to once in a while played that part just to see whats up, sometimes even online I played the bad boy part in that silly soap opera crap that women like so much, but you know... Whatever that # means.

I would say just be yourself, after all who the hell else are you going to be, and if women don't like it. Then you know what....To hell with them, and you really don't need them. And in doing that you would have probably just avoided something that took other dudes many many years and many court appointments to learn. And the rest is just something everybody has to go through to learn who they are, as opposed to who they think they are. What I am trying to say, is that it will come in its time, not yours, and not there's, but when it happens it happens, and that's all it really is to it. Till then just keep on doing your thing.

reply to post by Misoir

How is that possible? Get rid of the judgment, the distinctions, get rid of the “I am hurt” and you get rid of the hurt itself. Nothing, on its own, can emotionally hurt you; ONLY YOU can hurt you. Repeat after me: “Only I can hurt me. I am the master of myself. I am the master of my emotions. My emotions are slave to my will; my will is not slave to my emotions.”

OMG Misoir, you went and gone all yoda like. Wise this one is. But you know sometimes will and emotion are one and the same thing, discerning between the two is a challenge in and of itself.

Originally posted by rj5000
The key to confidence is being proactive about the health of your mind, body, and soul. People immediately respect those who take care of themselves. Confidence also doesn't come overnight, you must build it gradually.

Body: Workout, eat healthy, maintain a clean appearance. Don't do it out of vanity, but understand that by being healthy and looking good, you radiate positivity. It is also an outward reflection of the discipline,self control, and care you put into yourself. Most people are too lazy to care what goes into their bodies because they know how much time and effort it requires, and will respect people who do put such time and effort. And don't preach to others about it, let your appearance speak for itself.

Mind: Learn as much as you can. Be able to talk to others about a wide range of subjects. Learn from your peers. Speak clearly and intelligently, reducing the usage of 'um' and 'like'. Look people in the eye when speaking to them. Place importance on them and they will place importance on you. Balance your intellectual confidence with humility and modesty, understanding that no matter how awesome you are, there is always room for improvement. Play up your strengths, your individuality, any unique talents or skills.

Soul: No matter what your belief system is, find a source of empowering and positive motivation. Find the beauty in life. Find meaning. When your soul is healthy and you feel happy, anything is possible. Negativity and things like fear of rejection or insecurity become things you can tackle. They are part of life but when you are confident and happy, you give yourself the tools to deal with them appropriately. Love freely, trust people, don't be closed minded, fearful, or stubborn. Give people the benefit of the doubt, understanding they may disappoint you, but also understanding the path of love and trust strengthens you in the long run.

Confidence is very much internal, but it goes hand in hand with the reactions and interactions of others to your efforts. In order for others to respect you (doesn't mean they have to like you), you must give them a reason. Being smart, healthy, and happy by doing such things as I mentioned above will win you respect over time, which will boost your confidence. This was my manual for transforming myself from a victim into a confident individual. It takes time and insecurity never goes away completely, but it's more a blip on my radar rather than a debilitating factor in my social life. I know that I am doing everything I can to be the best that I can be, and that gives me a reason to love and respect myself. And as many said, when you love and respect yourself, others will love and respect you back. Life and your reality is merely a reflection of what goes on in your head.

Well spoken. Even though my love life to this point has been non-existent, I saved enough money to remodel my house due to my financial wisdom of getting rid of debts. I believe my main problem has been my isolation but i'm enrolling to college sometime next year so I should have plenty of time to do all of the above one step at a time.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


I did post pics of myself here before and yes I do have pet turtles . I cut off contact from the ones that ignore me and haven't looked back since. Moving on is something I learned through experience but sometimes they have an impact on me and just can't seem to let go until I finally had enough of the BS. The bottom line is I have to improve myself in order to get what I deserve and it will take some time but I won't let my depression get the best of me any longer. There's always room for improvement.

I did not have confidence until I reached the age of ,I think it was 42.
Thats when the I don't give a # about anything hit.
I became free at that moment from all my fears and constraints.
This is who I am,this is what I want.
If you don't like it,that is your own fault ,not mine.

That was about 6 years ago.

You become confident when no one has a hold on you and the world is yours.

reply to post by Stop-loss!

Ah you will get over it bro. And if your looking for somebody who just is attracted to you because of "confidence" your likely to be disappointed. Because confidence comes and goes like the wind, sometimes it comes and goes dozens of times per day, as somebody once said to me that sometimes it's all just competence in the moment, and when the moment is gone, well what then? And if there just there because of that. Then there likely to be... poof... just like that...gone with the wind.... when that confidence or whatever the cause of that confidence is disappears, like I said its just another empty premise. Its fun for a while, a game, but that's all it is, and not only that but that game gets old fast. So improve yourself, don't improve yourself, in the end its not likely to matter much if the person your with is there for something that really is not who you are, or what your about.

Originally posted by PatrickGarrow17
Grow a mustache

Do you think it worked for him?

All this proselytizing about how to be confident. There's only one thing you really need to do, and that is to NOT CARE if you are with someone or not. Women are really used to men hitting on them, wanting them, pining for them. They expect it. They expect every man they meet to fall madly in love with them, and then they get to choose.

So don't do it. Pursue your own interests that have absolutely nothing to do with them. If you meet someone new, be polite, but do not try to solicit anything at all from them, including attention. Yes. Nice to meet you. Bye.

It'll drive them mad. They'll wonder of they are losing their touch. They'll think they've done something wrong. Then, if you don't look like the guy above, they'll pursue you.

Guaranteed results. Try it. Report back.

reply to post by schuyler




I had something more like this in mind:

Originally posted by PatrickGarrow17
reply to post by schuyler

 

I had something more like this in mind:

Now that is awesome! But he's kind of cheating by using his chin whiskers to accentuate the effect. Still, just the stache alone is a MIGHTY STATEMENT! I stand chagrined and soundly beaten!

Getting out and taking classes is a good place to start.

Stop comparing yourself to others. There will always be people with more talents and looks than you and there will always be people with less talent and looks (or whatever yardstick you want to use).

Start by taking an inventory of your good qualities and appreciate yourself for who you are - animal lover? kind? generous? If you are unhappy, figure what kind of things make you happy/feel good about yourself. Focus on things that make you feel good and make them part of yourself.

If your unhappiness is so pervasive you might consider going to a counselor to work through whatever is making you feel bad. You need to let go of the baggage you are carrying. Don't expect another person to make you happy. People are attracted to happy, positive people.

There are tons of self-help books and articles that could help you reach your goal of self-confidence. Google your thread title and see if you can't find some expert advice to mull over.

Wishing you the happiness that comes from liking and loving yourself.

It's amazing how quickly one can lose confidence and it takes a long time to build it back up. Well I'm talkin from personal experience. Recently my illness returned and my confidence was completely shattered after it being at its highest point for years. One of the hardest things I've had to deal with. For me it takes time, time nd throwing yourself into uncomfortable situations, where you have to rely on yourself.

reply to post by Stop-loss!

hi there.
in my opinion, confidence is all about what people you surroud yourself with.
positive people who can feel joy for others, who tells you that youre good at this n that, who tells you you look good, and so on.
those people will make you adapt their way of thinking and thus start to think good about others as well as your self.
negative people who never express happyness for someone elses joy, who talks about how bad this n that is, who talks about how ugly people are, or how dumb they are, and so on.
will do the same, making you think negative, am i ugly, do i behave like that, wonder if she will think im stupid, and so on.
jimmy