Dirk Freemley; Planet Saver [2013]

“Actually, my job is a Planet Saver. I save planets”, Dirk said to the vapid young blond at the bar.

“Yeah-um, are you paying for just the company, or are we going to your room?” Said the vapid young blond.

“Let’s go.”

Later, Dirk saw the young lady to the door and bid her a good night. He sighed, and walked back up to his flat above the Golden Rhino, a Chinese restaurant. (Little known fact; Chinese restaurants populate the galaxy. No-one knows why, but they are everywhere. They are all run by perpetually angry Chinese proprietors and can’t speak a word of whatever planets language that they are on. True story)
Dirk Freemley comes from a long line of planet savers from a planet of planet savers. On his home world it was clear that he was going to be a great planet saver. Dirk was born with the noble lack of chin, the heroic slump of shoulders, and the fearless myopia favoured by some of the greatest planet savers of all time.

Sitting in a small armchair by the window, Dirk looked to the sky and thought back to the times he saved the planet.

Atlantis. 8,000 years ago. Tuesday.
Just arriving on the planet gave Dirk a thrill. Having just graduated with high honours from Planet Saver University, Dirk was ready to get started. Solving the quantum issues of the universe was thirsty work so he headed for the Golden Unicorn (a typical Chinese restaurant) to find food, drink, and lodging.
Once settled he set up the equipment needed to save the planet but was distracted by a small bee. It ended up sinking the small island, but overall, he considered it a win and thought that no-one would ever miss or remember the place.

Mayan Empire. 3,000 years ago. Saturday.
Dirk had been here for a while. Situated above the Golden Panther, he was ready and not willing to make the same mistake he made the first time. Adjusting the gear to shift the quantum forces away from Earth, he quickly and sufficiently saved the planet. The Mayans were so thankful that they asked him for advice. He suggested carbon credits and high taxes as a joke but they ended up taking him seriously.
They went downhill quickly from there.

England. 1500 years ago. Sunday.
Situated in a stone loft above the Golden Jellied Eel, Dirk worked frantically to stave off the impending doom. Placing a small dagger into a piece of rock, he told his assistant not to ever remove it. Dirk was tired and wanted to go home. He figured that this would secure the planet for all time and allow him a chance for a nice vacation. (There was a monolith exhibit on Europa that he wanted to visit)
Art (his assistant) got curious, however, and gummed up the works.

New York. December 21st, 2012.
Dirk sighed and looked out the window. It was almost time. The dark quantum forces had created a vortex that was slowly opening up above the city. A dark maw lined in pink, oily flesh studded with teeth was growing. The Devourer of Worlds was once again, attempting to destroy the little planet Dirk called home. Billions faced eternal pain and torture. The minds of billions would shriek for eternity in the insane echo of the great beast as it savoured the flesh of humanity.
Dirks equipment was carefully disguised as a wall filled with shelves and odds and ends. The forces that guided the universe were always being influenced by the smallest of things. A planet saver understood what those things were and what they did to the universe.
Dirk walked over to a bookshelf and adjusted a signed picture of Kim Kardashian and the vortex disappeared.

Chicken Vindaloo sounded nice for a late evening dinner. He grabbed his wallet and coat and left .

Short, twisted, but done well in the typical beezzer fashion.

Gave you your first flag. How rare!

reply to post by Druid42


Thank you.

I tried grim. It just didn't work for me.

reply to post by beezzer


I liked it! Awesome imagination!

One fatal flaw, however... I've been saving my research for a planned thread, but I'll leak it here, since you've tabled the issue. I believe that the Kardashian sisters are the fabled world devourers... Explains the junk in the trunk ya know...



~Heff

Originally posted by Hefficide
reply to post by beezzer

 

I liked it! Awesome imagination!

One fatal flaw, however... I've been saving my research for a planned thread, but I'll leak it here, since you've tabled the issue. I believe that the Kardashian sisters are the fabled world devourers... Explains the junk in the trunk ya know...



~Heff

I knew it!



Thanks for reading it.

reply to post by beezzer


Yeah, your avatar is about as grim as you can get.

I like the way you write, almost humorous, heck, humorous, but always imaginative and off the cuff. Blazingly smart stuff.

reply to post by Druid42


I once tried to channel my dark side and all I found was an empty pack of smokes, a woopie cushion and a cheese danish with bits of bacon on it.

My therapist recommended a lobotomy.

reply to post by beezzer


I love your stories Beez!!



You have that gift that makes your stories just feel right.

S&F

reply to post by beezzer


The Freemley family seems to be everywhere.

Maybe they are the "Ancient Aliens".

I liked the timeline...has a tad bit of Hitchhikers guide to it.

reply to post by sonnny1




Thanks! They're fun to write.

Originally posted by TDawgRex
reply to post by beezzer

 

The Freemley family seems to be everywhere.

Maybe they are the "Ancient Aliens".

I liked the timeline...has a tad bit of Hitchhikers guide to it.

Douglas Adams is a hero and role model for me. I'm honoured that you saw that. Thank you!

reply to post by beezzer


I knew immediately, there was a "woman" involved with Dirk.........

reply to post by sonnny1


I thought about bring back Brenda Dover (Bren to her friends) but wanted to save that for, perhaps, another story.

you forgot to mention the time traveling world saver was a .....................
rabbit
lol

cool story bro

xploder

Originally posted by XPLodER
you forgot to mention the time traveling world saver was a .....................
rabbit
lol

cool story bro

xploder

Thanks for reading it!


(The bunny is always implied)

reply to post by beezzer


lol i made a compost of your description and.........................

Dirk was born with the noble lack of chin, the heroic slump of shoulders, and the fearless myopia favoured by some of the greatest planet savers of all time.

it looks like dirk is a vicious Kiwi bird from the the planet aotearoa,
in the zealand galaxy,

after some additional searching i found out that
his funny yet slow side kick, is the bunny
sleezer



who works for cookies, and as it turns out is allergic to bees


xploder

reply to post by XPLodER


Now THAT'S funny!!!

reply to post by beezzer


Beezzer, I like your wit and humor !!! That was a fun read !

S&F for sure !!

Originally posted by SonoftheSun
reply to post by beezzer

 

Beezzer, I like your wit and humor !!! That was a fun read !

S&F for sure !!

edit on 4-12-2012 by SonoftheSun because: (no reason given)

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thank you!

S & F! I had also thought of the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy with this story.

Loved the idea that the entire universe is studded with Chinese restaurants with crabby owners who can't speak the native language! "Golden jellied eel"...too funny!