Father's frustrated letter goes viral; highlights the generation gap

This is an article about a British dad (age 67) who wrote an angry letter to his three kids. Basically, he is bitterly disappointed in how the lives of his children (in their thirties and early forties) have turned out. The dad is disappointed that his kids are underachievers without high-prestige jobs, despite an expensive education. He thinks they are whiners who burden their mother with complaints instead of pulling themslves up by their own bootstraps. He doesn't approve of their marriages and divorces and thinks they are providing a bad life for their own children (his grandchildren).

The letter pulls no punches and apparently it has gone viral, resonating with the feelings of many and highlighting generational differences in a socety under stress.

Is the dad's criticism of his kids correct? Are they lazy spoiled whiners who need a slap across the face to straighten up? Or is the dad a relic from an older time when good jobs were plentiful and raising a family was easier? The letter should be a good starting point for a debate about different perceptions, attitudes, and realities for different generations in a quickly changing society.

...Fed up of "being forced to live through the never-ending bad dream of our children's underachievement and ineptitude." Mr Crews concludes he wants to hear no more from them until they had something positive to tell him. He signs off: "I am bitterly, bitterly disappointed. Dad."

..."What he said was what a lot of people of his age, gender and class would probably like to say to their children but would never dare to...they're just not 21st-century parents" [says his daughter]

More here at the source (Daily Mail)

reply to post by FailedProphet


Good for him.

My dad could write almost the same letter. I would be his exception.

3 out of 4 divorced, children they cannot support, dependent on drugs and/or booze. 2 of them (aged 41 and 32) still living at home.

I wish my dad actually did have the courage to write this letter to my 2 brothers and sister.

Ok so a 67 year old retired navy submarine captain isn't happy how his children turned out.

Seriously, what did he do better? Obviously, he must of just shut up and follow orders to get promoted, got a good salary and high retirement bonuses.

His kids might not make that much money but at least they haven't joined a murderous terrorist group to get there.

Poor man's ego, can't even boast with his children.

I think a preceeding generation is just as much to blame for shortcomings as the next generation.

I can feel these people's heart break. I know a few stories of some relatives that are much worse. Things can always get worse unfortunately. The hard part is to train yourself to detatch and not allow them to hurt your feelings. I don't think any of those people will ever change their behaviours... Best wishes to all.

I would like to see a letter from the children before I made any judgement on the fathers letter. Has he been *successful* in bringing up his family with love and boundaries and encouragement? It is so easy to say how disappointed he is in the way they turned out without taking any blame himself. Show me a parent who has never made any mistakes. Sometimes those mstakes are not evident to the parent but can have lasting consequences on the lives of the children. I am making no judgement on the father or the children just saying I would have liked to see this topic from both angles.

Enough of this "Older Generation" stuff, he is only 67, which means he is a baby Boomer. In 1962 He was 17. The era of Rock and Roll actually died in 1962 (with Buddy Holly), new music appeared, modern Pop, Mods, the Beatles, Psychadelia, James Bond.......he was in the thick of things...In the Hippy Days 1967-68, he was 21!! Free Love, the pill, cool cars (well he Lived in England, I guess not too cool).. cool motorbikes anyway and scooters, mini skirts, no HIV......
He decided to join the Navy...probably didnt have anything better to do....therefore..Career for life, and natural advancement.

HIS Parent would have be the "Depression/War" era parents...so he would have lived an austere upbringing, unless his parents were rich. They probably thought his life style and the times were very decadent....compared to theirs.

So he would be more concerned for his children, and perhaps a little light on how to effectively convey his feelings.
Not enough Maryjane or lsd in the Navy perhaps.
I guess he's travelled the World, met lots of ladies, had many experiences, so wonders why his kids are not so inclined.
Of course, they are all waiting for him to drop dead so they can have his money......

I think Dad is a jerk. One of the children's response says it best:

She adds: ‘None of us has been a drain on the State, none of us has got into drugs or done anything bad. ‘None of us is lazy or has asked them for money. We’ve been no trouble to him financially or socially. My father’s problem is disappointment.

‘What he said in his email was quite correct, but I don’t think it was the right kind of support or the kick up the backside he intended it to be. I think he has created a monster out of the worst of us and ignored the best.

He's mad because they are not super successful?? He's mad because they open up to the Mom about their day-to-day lives? Whatever happened to unconditional love from a parent? I hope those kids stop all contact with him forever, including not letting him see his grandchildren ever again. Serves him right.

it's always the same

Men fight for liberty and win it with hard knocks. Their children, brought up easy, let it slip away again, poor fools. And their grandchildren are once more slaves. ~D.H. Lawrence, Classical American Literature, 1922

Being in the age group of the kids, I naturally side with them.

I have little patience for Baby Boomers and their never ending self rightious moral superiority, hypocrisy and narcissism.

But I am used to just sighing and not bothering to argue, it's really no use. LIke a lot of people my age, our hope, our self esteem, our assertiveness was largely oppressed by their chest pounding throughout out our lives- their hunger for attention is without finish and we got drained.

Not really possible to do great things in that condition- but it makes for hardy people that can get by and live through almost anything!

I can relate more to their Silent generation parents, who were completely drowned out by their GI hero parents.

Originally posted by FailedProphet
He thinks they are whiners who burden their mother with complaints instead of pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps.

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Why is the mother being burdened? Because she allows it.

This certainly is not the first scenario where one parent is strict and the other a pushover - - undermining the stricter parent.

And it is not necessarily always the mother who is the "spoiler".

If your goal is to have self-reliant kids - - - then parents need to work as a team toward the same goal.

.

reply to post by FailedProphet


I know my dad is bitterly disappointed. At least I haven't spawned any offspring though. I took responsibility, at as far as I know, and have not created any little ones.

reply to post by kaylaluv


I think the father said something along the lines of he wouldn't have written the letter if not for the grandchildren. He's under the impression that his children's children will be living miserable lives full of chaos due to the fact they didn't aspire to a position like he had attained. It's hard for a man with an ego like that to ignore the "shortcomings" of his descendents.

‘That makes me weep, especially when you hear other people, our friends, talking about their children who are paragons, when I can’t give any good news.

So it's apparent that it's not only about the grandchildren; he's upset that he's unable to match up his children to his friend's. It's a strange situation because in those types of social circles,the parents are often either extremely wealthy &/or overachievers in their occupational field. So they have some psychological predisposition to set a bar for their children; if you're not making millions or living the life they preconceived, then you're a failure & a disappointment.

reply to post by syrinx high priest


Except that it's not always the same.

Every time a generational topic comes up on the internet, somebody is at the ready with a quote from classical history, supposedly proving that things never change. It's a comforting conclusion, but unfortunately flawed.

Riddle me this: Did the generations that built Ancient Rome at its peak have the same character and culture as those who lived in the era of "Roman decadence", during the decline and fall? Read some Suetonius: the culture was debauched and the people fat, lazy, and perverted.

Generational differences are real, and they matter.

reply to post by FailedProphet


I read through the whole link. Evidently he isn't opposed to the idea of doing service jobs for a living, but expects more from his kids for the sake of his grandchildren. He sees his kids' lives as a neverending string of negativity and hates to think of the kind of lives that their kids must endure as a result.

I hated being given the "I hate that I can't brag about you to people" angle from my mother, so other than that part of his letter... well, let's just say I'm so frustrated with modern divorce/remarriage culture that his bluntness is almost refreshing. "Copulation-driven decisions"... isn't that usually the truth!

Originally posted by Raelsatu

So it's apparent that it's not only about the grandchildren; he's upset that he's unable to match up his children to his friend's. It's a strange situation because in those types of social circles,the parents are often either extremely wealthy &/or overachievers in their occupational field. So they have some psychological predisposition to set a bar for their children; if you're not making millions or living the life they preconceived, then you're a failure & a disappointment.

Exactly. My attitude about it would be totally different if the kids were still mooching off the parents, or if they were dumping their own kids at the grandparents while they partied. But, he's upset because they aren't millionaires?? What the hell?!

Yet another example of why I refuse to pay for my children's secondary education. My comment to this man would be "If they would have had to pay for their own education, they would have made sure it was in a field that they WANTED to be involved in instead of any old thing 'cause dad says I gotta go to school."

Achievements earned with out desire and struggle are meaningless. These children were never required to choose a direction for their lives and pay the price to get there.

As for the matter of generations, while very real, they are not the barriers that folks like to pretend they are. The generation a person identifies with is in large part determined by their parent's attitude and experiences. To a lesser extent they are influenced by common experiences within their age group.

My wife and I are only two years apart in age but actually are from two very different generations. I was the youngest child of my parents and was born late in their life. My wife was the first child of her parents and they had her when they were quite young. I was actually of the same generation as her parents. We have been able to have a long and fulfilling marriage despite having very different outlooks on life and the world as a whole. In my experience, anyone who uses the 'different generation' excuse to justify the failure of a relationship is just admitting that they didn't really put much effort into it.

But back to the OP, this man has no one else to blame for his embarrassment than himself and his wife. He spends his children's entire childhood giving them everything he possibly could. Then he spends their entire adolescence providing for every need and paying for their education. Now he wants to complain that they don't seem to be able to do anything on their own? How could they? You have always given it to them for free. Suck it up and spend the time teaching them what you should have when they were children- how to provide for themselves and achieve goals they care about.

reply to post by FailedProphet


Hmmmm, aren't submarine commanders away at sea for months, even years, at a time? Even without a divorce couldn't he have been considered an absentee dad?

When it comes to learning about how to conduct oneself in a relationship, a child's primary experience comes from watching mom and dad. Well, if dad goes away for months and years at a time, I can see his daughters getting married and then becoming confused because their conditioning tells them that their husbands are supposed to go away for long stretches at a time each year. They weren't trained to work in a relationship on a day to day basis because they weren't exposed to one.

As for sons, they didn't see this dad get up every morning and head off to work. All they knew when they were growing up is that Dad goes away for a long time, and the mortgage and the bills get paid because of it. The boys never actually saw their father working. I'm assuming the father came home on leave and DIDN'T work during this time.

If the daughters had married naval officers, and if the sons had made a career out of the navy, only THEN would their upbringing have led them to successful lives according to their childhood conditioning.

Just my opinion going on the assumption that the father was an active naval officer.

reply to post by FailedProphet

Generational differences are real, and they matter.

Can't argue with that. Responsible parents usually means somewhat strict parents. Their kids grow up thinking that they wouldn't raise their kids that way. Then these free-spirited parents leave their kids frustrated because of a lack of firm guidelines, so they grow up to be responsible parents with firm rules. And so on and so on.