Alcoholics current and recovering, would you be interested in answering a few Q,s

I guess the word denial needs to be uses on both our behalf . I realise, I have been dening the situation to a point for a very long time. Hoping it isn't so, hoping it will go away or it just isn't that bad. Hoping I'm am just picking & nagging. I am one to believe how ever bad you think something is, there's worse off so don't like to make a fuss. Helping me not.

It's time to look after what I know I can ' me' . I find it hard to think of the possibility of letting go and although I asked you all what your tipping point was. I wonder what mine will be, a question I have to search for myself. Hopefully not to soul destroying. I have thought about help for myself so if I can't do that for me how can I expect him to get help. Thanks

reply to post by feelingconnected

One thing that I have always remembered from the beginning that someone told me, there are alot of different "isms" out there. With alcoholism, there is hope, there is a way. Many don't have the same help.
You must get help for yourself, reach out to a support group Al-anon, they can steer you in the right direction and give you the needed suggestions. Most to make sure you get the support.
Peace

reply to post by feelingconnected


You are definitely not alone ! And the day you walk into an al-Anon or other support group meeting you will find so many new friends with the same problems you share ! I'm an alcoholic and drug addict and I grew up in an alcoholic home as well . I wish You all the best and I hope You find happiness and serenity !

I attended Al-Anon and it finally dawned on me that - I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I certainly can't cure it.

There is really nothing you can tell an alcoholic that he doesn't already know. Nothing.

You have to take care of yourself. You cannot enable his self-destructive behaviour in any way shape or form. If you do you are just as much to blame.

No matter how much it tears you apart, you must let the alcoholic feel the consequences of his own actions. If that means losing you, so be it. By staying by his side and being a martyr, you are only hurting both of you.

Rock bottom can mean many things. It doesn't mean he has to end up in a gutter. Whatever it is, you can't bring it on. Have faith in a higher power to sort things out. Strength and Love to you,

I have known many alcoholics over the years, various types of people with various traits behaviors and patterns and completed a 30 day rehabilition program two years ago myself. My current situation has me temporarily sharing a livingspace with my father as well as the roomate already living there.

I last saw this guy about two and a half years ago. I knew him for about two years at that time.
Back then, not even that long ago, he was definately an alcoholic but i wouldn't go so far as to call him a drunk. He was about 40 at this time, and made money for himself by selling candles and knick knacks out of his van and at flea markets along with the trade and sale of his various prescribed medications. He lived with his parents so these small endeavors enabled him to pay for his own tab at the bar, his tobacco, any sort of simple luxury he desired or habit he kept he could take care of himself. Sadly this is a way of life for many people, and their expectations are quickly lowered with what amounts to the sensory deprivation of a serious coping method. A point of comfort can easily be reached, and once here there is little reason to attempt to be more.

His parents finally had it with him drinking too much, which at this point was every day. They are religious and it is against their beliefs to drink at all, yet they enabled him by looking the other way for so long, then pulling out the rug when their patience had been met. He didn't always live with his parents, the 80s weren't too bad to him, i've been told. He is married but seperated to what is by all definations a low class drug addict. He has kids. He does see them and cares about them, but they are in foster care and he's doing nothing to be able to support them or even help out. Anyways, they kicked him out, my father felt really sorry for him because he was a trustworthy, harmless man who he didn't feel deserved to live by the river. So he took him in.

During this time he could make two 40 ouncers of cheap malt liquor stretch the course of the day, with multiple naps to kill the most time with the least buzz expended, and was crafty enough at selling his Food Stamps and other wares to give my dad a bit of rent money, and pay for his own habits. He was willing to work odd jobs on odd days and was not really all that sloppy. With the lack of supervision his drinking got sloppier, and his work ethic was coming close to non existant.

I left the state and have returned now 2 and a half years later, and am shocked and disgusted at what this person has shlumped into. He has gained 30 pounds and is bloated and greasy, relying upon an allowance my father gives him for his needed 30 pack of Hamms every 2 days. Atleast it is only $10 a case. Yuck. His inactivity and abuse in addition to the natural aging process has halted his production of testosterone, giving him the soft rounded body of a cherub. He even acts sassily feminine now, although not sure how much that is related...he is sloppy and unkempt, repeats childishly inappropriate stories over and over and sits in one old leather swivel chair he is very proud of playing a very lame RPG game switching between Lockup and Law and Order the disgusting child sex crime unit version. anyways, my father has had it with him, but he's in a pickle due to money this guy owes him in rent backpay and such, which is on hold until he recieves some sort of settlement. Good grief.

The point is:

Do not be an enabler. It is absolutely true that someone will never get better and will actually get worse to the lowest possible form if there is someone there to allow them. My father enabled this guy by merely offering him the couch "just for now" and not treating him like a child about the alcohol. In only two years he's built his tolerance to where he now needs 2 and half times as much to drink and he no longer earns his own pocket change. He completed 40 days of rehab two months ago, drank the day he got out (it was never an earnest attempt at getting clean and sober, rather a bargaining method). Do not be an enabler. The mess you end up with is all up to you to deal with. The frustrating part is that enabling usually stems from empathy, sympathy, or pity, either shortsightedness or benefit of the doubt plays the part in sealing the deal...and their problems will end up being yours.

Originally posted by feelingconnected
I realize this can be a touchy or highly personal subject matter. And I'm not sure I've put this in the right forum. I feel like having a rant, but no not this thread.. If anyone is willing or interested in answering a few questions on this topic, Id love to hear from you.

OK, so where to start, well what I'm wanting to ask is -During your alcoholism be it current or past, did you or do you know you had/have a problem with drinking? I'm really interested in this question.
How did you respond to loved ones broaching the subject, if anyone did? or did you honestly believe there to be no real problem? And anyone who suggested your problem, was the problem.

To the recovering, what was your turning point? If your willing to share that is. Was it something major, external, internal? I guess I know there will be many different answers depending on the person.
Lastly, did you find it easy to turn the blame of your drinking toward an innocent person or situation? Or did you even know you were doing this?
Ok, one more. How do you find recovery? Is it working for you and do you believe its possible eventually?

I would like to thank you if you've read and answered any of my questions.

ETA sorry for such a downer thread

edit on 24-11-2012 by feelingconnected because: (no reason given)

I'm a recovering alcoholic who sobered up over 12.5 years ago. I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

a) I drank a #load for 10 years. I lived on the streets for four of them, and was blacked out for almost the entirety of that time. The weird part is that I never thought drinking was the problem. Drinking was the only thing that ever made me feel any better -- how could that be a problem? I always thought my problems were financial, social, or political -- never alcohol related. That's what denial is. The weird thing is that nobody ever mentioned that my drinking was the problem. Ever. Everyone thought I was mentally ill -- I wasn't. I know that because by working the program of alcoholics anonymous every day, I am happy and successful and do not require psychiatric care (with the exception of a 16-week out-patient treatment program that I am currently voluntarily enrolled in to help me deal with the effects of childhood domestic abuse).

b) The turning point for me was both long and hard and also occurred in a single moment. I had miraculously gotten off the streets alive, had gotten married, had children, gone to college, found a career, obtained a nice car, moved into a really nice apartment... and found that I still wasn't happy. I was so miserable that I tried to kill myself - legit. You see, I had to finally obtain all of my external goals to see that my problem was only between my ears. One would think that being homeless would wake someone up... but it wasn't until I had achieved every last final thing that I thought would make me happy to understand that I had to look elsewhere. I sobered up only because all of my friends and family had finally turned their backs on my bull#, and there I sat with my nice apartment and beautiful black sedan but with no place to go and no body to go there with.

Finally. I am guessing that you are in a lot of pain. I understand. I was in a lot of pain for a long time. My whole family are alcoholics and it's an awful life. What I have to say is that life doesn't have to be that way. You can be happy whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. There is a program called Al-Anon for friends and family of alcoholics and a program called Al-Ateen for kids. Me and my kids go to those programs too. We didn't like it at first, but we found a meeting that we could stomach, and took their steps, and it has made a world of difference for us - we are a happy and functional family who has broken the cycle of alcoholism that goes back many generations in our family.

Best wishes toots.

I dont know if I'm what you would call an alcoholic. I know this though I can drink like one. I work hard during the week I take care of the bills and family but once in awhile I get home from work and drink like a fish. I never raise my voice or hit anyone. I sit in my room alone watch a movie, cartoons w/e plastered. I thinkits me reliving my party years in a much more mild fashion.

yes i knew my drinking was a problem. i denied it to anyone who brought it up vehemenetly. i only stopped once i met my wife, who is in recovery from drugs and knew it was time to stop. and stop cold turkey i did, and have never looked back.

reply to post by feelingconnected


I knew I had a problem. But I looked at it more like a joke then anything. When someone would try to talk to me about it, I became defensive or eluded the subject. There were times I really did know I had a problem, and times I thought I could stop any time I needed to.

The one thing that saved me was meeting my wife. I realized that if I didn't change the way I drank, I would lose the woman of my dreams. I wish it could be that simple for other people. Actually, it took almost losing her before I stopped drinking so much. I still drink, bit not like I used to. It may not be completely beating alcoholism, but know I don't drink because I have to or when I feel like it. I don't drink excessively when I have a reason. Well, sometimes I do drink a little more than I should, but I honestly feel that I finally have a handle on it and I know I have the power to say no. Like I said, I know because I still drink sometimes, and a little too much every once in a while, but looking at how bad I could be, I think I've come a long way.

Originally posted by feelingconnected
I realize this can be a touchy or highly personal subject matter. And I'm not sure I've put this in the right forum. I feel like having a rant, but no not this thread.. If anyone is willing or interested in answering a few questions on this topic, Id love to hear from you.

OK, so where to start, well what I'm wanting to ask is -During your alcoholism be it current or past, did you or do you know you had/have a problem with drinking? I'm really interested in this question.
How did you respond to loved ones broaching the subject, if anyone did? or did you honestly believe there to be no real problem? And anyone who suggested your problem, was the problem.

To the recovering, what was your turning point? If your willing to share that is. Was it something major, external, internal? I guess I know there will be many different answers depending on the person.
Lastly, did you find it easy to turn the blame of your drinking toward an innocent person or situation? Or did you even know you were doing this?
Ok, one more. How do you find recovery? Is it working for you and do you believe its possible eventually?

I would like to thank you if you've read and answered any of my questions.

ETA sorry for such a downer thread

edit on 24-11-2012 by feelingconnected because: (no reason given)

1. Only while really intoxicated/beginning to get really sick.
2. The one that did, I would tell her she was overreacting and that she needed to stop prying into my life and worry about her own. I would tell her that I couldn't just drink to drink, I NEEDED to get drunk because there was no other point. This eventually drove a major wedge in between our friendship and it will never be the same again.
3.My turning point was the night that I spent the entire evening with my head in the toilet. When I wasn't puking, I was screaming and crying over the death of my grandfather a year ago. I ended out the night not caring if i lived or died before collapsing onto my bed and passing out hoping that that would be my final rest. After that, I knew I had a problem and had to take action. I stopped drinking all alcohol cold turkey for two months but have recently picked it up again... In controlled moderation!

As far as where bottom is, it's different for every person and not one size fits all. My uncle for example hasn't reached it enough to quit yet and he's on probation and if caught with alcohol in his system will be going to jail and leaving his family behind without a steady income. Has he stopped drinking? Hell no.

reply to post by feelingconnected


As an alcoholic, I can honestly say I refused to admit I had a problem until I lost everything, I lost my job, finances, I was a binge drinker, so I could not control it, I would often pass out, I would not remember the previous night, yet it became a repetitive cycle for me, I only drank on the weekends, it was a reward. My job allowed for me to travel, yet it became a problem, I stayed in hotels, so a bar was in the lobby and I drank out of boredom. Away from family, I had no support, I was my own worst enemy. I had no friends, they were co-workers, they did not have my best interests at heart, they preyed on the fact I was an alcoholic, they thoroughly enjoyed watching me self-destruct. As my life spun out of control, they tore away what little confidence I had with each and every day. Each day I worked, it became a day closer to death and another day I turned to drink. I was crying out for help, but they just laughed, they were alcoholics too, but they could control it, and my downward spiral allowed for them to say, " look at him, at least I am not that bad". They were very cruel, yet alcohol made it worse, it makes one extremely sensitive and susceptible to a lot. I never drank while working. Getting let go from that job was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, it saved my life, I lost everything, I'm still picking up the pieces.

I wish I could have had someone tell me I had a problem other than family, it seemed everyone is their favorite person, it seems others may take some pleasure in seeing others self-destruct, I don't know, I hope not, my family knew I had a problem, but I refused to listen to them, I wish I had, I really do, rather than end up in a job away from them where others could care less. The funny thing was, I didn't seek help until I met my ex-girlfriend in a bar of all places, I was there getting drunk, dreading another week with the jerks I worked with, she was there with some friends, she was sober, I was astonished by this, I had never been able to go out and have fun sober, yet she was there sober, I knew because she refused my offer to buy her a drink. I was fascinated by this, I guess I always lacked confidence while sober, so I felt I had to be drunk, others wouldn't like me if I was sober, that's why I did it, I was wrong, but I thought that's why. She was in AA, she saw how I was fascinated that she was sober, she latter told me she saw that I wanted to be sober, I m glad she did, we exchanged numbers.

Later in the week she texted me and we corresponded for awhile, my luck would have it, I was called back from the state I met her. I finally found a friend, yet I had to leave. I vowed to stay sober and attend AA. When I got back, I was let go, and had a series of bad events, I lapsed, I was arrested. Once I was arrested, that was the motivating reason for me to stay sober, it was a real wake up, I was glad I was let go from my job, but being arrested was humiliating, I had never been arrested. From that day forward, I vowed to remain sober, I have. I have had set backs, I wasn't given a job because of the arrest, stuff like that, but I'm sober.

If you or someone else decides to get help, I can't tell you how important AA is, it helped a lot. When first getting sober, go to a meeting, it's humbling when you hear others who had worse experiences than your own, also, it's good to be around others with a similar problem. Once sober, it will come over you like a wave and when it does go to a meeting, it's comforting. It's like Johnny Cash said, the urge to drink comes over you like a wave, but once sober, the longer you are, the easier and better it becomes to resist. It takes time, it's worth it, just take it one day at a time, before you know it time is on your side. I wish I could drink responsibly, I can't, I never will, if I do, I'll probably die, some can drink, to each their own, I can't.

Well, I hope this helps, best of luck to you and yours, have faith in yourself, family, and a Higher Power because when it comes down to it that's all we have. Look at your life too, change that which causes you to drink, for me it was my career, it can be hard depending on one's circumstances, however, have faith, take it slow, you can change it. Material wealth is destined to fade, life is short, enjoy it sober, besides it's great to never have to wake up hungover ever again. Remember, if you still go out with others who drink, the only one who knows your drunk is you, heck, you can pretend to drink, or get a coke, if you do something stupid, say you were drunk, besides, it's a riot to watch others and the best thing is you get to remember, just take it easy on others, a lot of them are better off not knowing, but you can smile because you were sober.

Again, thank you all for more honest & personal posts. I can only imagin how you go about re-calling the memory of such a tought time in your lives. These posts really do mean a lot to me. The insights & realisations I've gained from the thread will hopefully help me and maybe help me help my partner. Who knows! Obviously the out come of my situation is the great un known.

The first thing I've come out with is to help myself and until I get to this point anything I say and do maybe hindering instead of helping. To reply to a few of you who mentioned meeting the love of your life, helped you turn your life around. That's got to be one of the most positive out comes or turning point. I would love to think my partner has met the love of his life and would help himself because I mean the world to him. I guess the alcohol call is stronger at this point.

reply to post by feelingconnected


well, one word of advise i can give, is don't give up patients if you truly love him. i quit drinking so i could be with who would become my wife. it was unacceptable for me to drink being in a relationship with her. she is not a smoker and hated that i did smoke, but she didn't make a big deal about it. she definitely let me know that she disapproved. i quit smoking three months ago. she had patients. i did it for her. keep your faith.

I started drinking heavily in my late 20s, not hard liquor but gallons of wine. Being over sensitive and socially phobic, I noticed I'd just have more social flair if I was intoxicated. Nothing felt as good as the indifference that came over me when the alcohol started to kick in. I am a person with very few responsibilities. At 37, I am not expecting to have children, or a real life partner (low self esteem means aiming low in relationships for me and plenty of the gentlemen I dated were troubled themselves and my relationships were little enabling experiments that went wrong). Sometimes I will stay off the sauce for a day and experience no rattling or other physical things, but just utter boredom.

Last year I quit for a few months. It was the hardest time in my life. Ultra sensitive, scared of ghosts, scared of humans, not feeling part of anything and not wanting to feel part of anything. I just missed that indifference, that change in the day. After a few weeks I was in a better place than I had ever been. My skin looked fabulous, I was losing weight (in my case a good thing), and I was ept socially - I didn't have that problem to be embarassed about. It's high time I did that again. Groups like AA never work for me because I tend to over empathise with others and worry about them instead (the size of my ego is rather enormous for somebody who thinks they're unworthy).

I've recently joined a gym and it's become a very positive aspect of my life. I was of course hoping that my alcohol consumption would be curbed naturally but to be perfectly honest, even when still working out I am already looking forward to that crisp bottle of dry white I'll later reward myself with.

This thread has given me a push in the right direction. THANK YOU!

reply to post by feelingconnected


hey just going on your questions here.

have always drank fairly heavily all my life since i spent time in the army in my late teens and early 20's

i kind of knew i always had a problem but pushed it to the back of my mind, its hard to talk to anyone especially loved ones as the problem (for me anyway) is a guilt ridden secret

My turning point was that i lost another relationship (not through drink as it turns out) that i actually thought how much time and money i put into getting drunk when i could have been spent better else where.

I'd like to say that the blame lays elsewhere, but it sits firmly in my lap and i can acknowledge that.

I gave up totally for 2 months and now drink socially and occasionally - feel i have a healthier relationship with drink that i did before,

Hm, this thread is proving to be quite interesting. Lot more ppl willing to share then i first figured would.

I am an alcoholic. I have been drinking since childhood. At one time I was drunk almost everyday. These days I have gotten some control and typically only drink on weekends or holidays. I have though about trying to quit completely, but it feels like I am turning my back on an old friend. Alcohol has been the cause of many problems, and a way for me to ignore just as many problems. My wife also has a drinking problem and is on antidepressants. That is a scary combination. I sometimes think the only way she will stop is if I do.

I have been an alcoholic for probably the last 10 years, i don't know why i started drinking to excess and as far as im aware there was no specific 'trigger' that set me on this road, i have 2 children from a broken marriage where the drink was a big factor but also my constant need for 'exciting' sex (maybe another addiction).

I see my kids all the time but they arent allowed to sleep over which breaks my heart and my ex wife is right, i dont drink every day but once i start i cant stop......Its ALL or nothing.

I have had other relationships since splitting with my wife 2 years ago but they have also fallen foul of either the bottle or me thinking with my dick.

I hold down a good job and i go to work everyday and do a responsible job very well but when the day is over and im back in my (admittedly very nice flat) all alone watching rubbish on tv its hard not to just nip out and get a quick drink even though i wake every morning saying 'ok today is the day i stop!' and i can do that all day and walk past the off licence on my way home, even go in and buy bread and milk but i always find myself back there a few hours later buying vodka.

I am an ex-heroin addict and have been clean from drugs for 20 years but THIS is much harder!

reply to post by feelingconnected


OP, why this questions?
You either have an alcohol problem, or you know someone who has one....

My father died 3 years ago when I was 34. I never knew him to be sober. Except for that one year (well, almost a year) when he didn't drink, and during that time he was a kind stranger to me.
He started drinking cognac from the moment he opened his eyes in the morning untill he went to bed again and even during the nights he would wake up a couple of times to get a drink. I can fill books about him and the results of his drinking, real tragic books which would contain a lot of anger, agression, violence,etc... . I loved him... but at times I hated him more.

The hardest strugle I had with him and his drinking was when he was dying. There where so many things I needed to say, not nice things... but he was suffering and in pain, so I didn't.
In stead I went to speak with other alcoholics and told 'them' what I wanted to tell 'him'. One thing became very clear to me though, he knew exactly what he did during his life, he knew why he did it and he knew he had caused suffering. He knew it but he couldn't stop himself from drinking. He felt sorry and ashamed for it, so he continued to drink to sedate all the unwelcome emotions...

I on the other hand, I'm a smoker, but I never drink, not a sip. I also can't stand to be around drunk people so needles to say that I'm always the first one to leave at parties.

To all the other alcoholics out there I have one message:
Tell your loved ones that you know what you are putting them through, how hard it may be for you, let them know that you are aware that you are causing them to suffer... because right now they are wondering whether you give a damn or really don't care about them! Tell them because you have no idea how important that is to them!



edit:
after reading all the replies here I'm almost tearing up because this brings back a lot of memories for me....
alcohol really brings a lot of misery inside family homes.
and yet
as a smoker I always feel targeted, both in my wallet, on the street and in public area's... while drinking is tolerated always and everywhere.....

(sry for the spelling)

reply to post by feelingconnected


Great Questions!

During your alcoholism be it current or past, did you or do you know you had/have a problem with drinking? YES, but I drink to escape my life, to stop drinking I need a replacement for the alcohol which will help me to escape.

How did you respond to loved ones broaching the subject, if anyone did? I said yes I'd rather NOT drink but its the way I escape from my life each day. I have no other way of doing this.

I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor, he wants me to go through a detox....fair enough but I know that I will end up back on the drink because its my way of escaping this life. I'm confident I can stop drinking by myself IF i can find a replacement.

I have other mental health problems and have NEVER enjoyed being alive. The latest suggestion is that I may have a personality disorder.

Don't know what else to do?!