What's the worst thing that's happened to you...?

I never, ever talk about the things that have happened to me. A big part of it is that I feel I don't have the right to burden anybody else with anything. Lately, I've been overwhelmed with a deep, overwhelming feeling of loss and fear, and I've been honestly questioning myself how much longer I can continue to deal with this. Exist. Whatever. There's been an urge to anonymously tell somebody; I had the idea to write it all down in a sturdy notebook and just leave it somewhere so somebody can find it when I'm gone. Just so they know I was here and what I went through. Maybe that's not fair, either, but I think it may be a last attempt to somehow connect with another human being -- or to just be remembered.

I suppose an internet forum works just as well, and I'll be as brief as I can.

When I was three years old, I was molested and raped by a neighbor. The first time it happened, my grandmother knew something was wrong, and she managed to get it out of me. I knew that she told my mother. It happened again a few days later, and once again I told my grandmother. When my mother got home, we told her together. My mother got angry and said that it was my fault. That I should be ashamed. And that I should never, ever tell anybody because then the police would take me away and put me in jail. So, I never talked about it after that, and it continued for three years. And from that point on, my mother hated me. She couldn't even look at me, and she would just yell at me constantly and sometimes hit me so hard that I tasted blood for minor things.

The only place I ever really felt safe and happy was at my grandparents' home, a few miles away from my own. They were amazing, wonderful people. They made me feel protected and loved. Unfortunately, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was seven, and my grandfather had a major stroke soon after. I spent the rest of my childhood and adolescence watching them deteriorate, and knowing that they could no longer keep me safe.

I was severely bullied in school. I got made fun of for a lot of things, but I think it was ultimately because I couldn't stand up for myself. I still lived in terror of my mother -- I still do, actually.

The night after my grandmother died, I was raped by a boy I had been seeing. I was fifteen. I didn't tell anybody. For some reason, I was filled with an irrational fear that my grandmother had seen what had happened from wherever she went when she died, and that she hated me for it. I know now that that most likely wasn't the case, but when you've been pushed down so much, you think this way.

I had been feeling very ill for about three years at that point. Night sweats, swollen lymph nodes, never fully recovering from colds, bruising easily, always feeling tired, passing out and having seizures all the time. The doctor kept dismissing me as a "hormonal teenage girl". I found a lump in a collarbone. It took a while, but I was eventually diagnosed with lymphoma at sixteen. By that time, it had spread into my bones and spine. I was told that I wouldn't be around to graduate high school. My mother blamed me for getting sick -- she was sure that I was "faking" it or that I had somehow given myself cancer. She was even more ashamed of me whenever I lost my hair, and I had to wear a wig constantly -- I wasn't allowed to ever take it off. I knew that I was going to die, but for some reason I got it into my head that I wouldn't. Maybe it was spite. I went through some horrific chemo and some surgeries. Then, one day, my cancer just wasn't there anymore. To this day, my oncologist calls me his miracle patient; neither of us can figure out what happened. He says that it was because I was such a fighter; personally, I don't agree. I'm not a fighter, and I'm not brave.

Around the time I was eighteen, I started having a lot of seizures. I was tired of doctors and figured that my cancer had come back, so I never told anyone. I never wanted to go through chemo again; I think I just wanted to die. Somewhere along the the line that year, I met the very best friend I've ever had. We had a lot in common -- a love of punk rock and Hunter S. Thompson -- and would just talk for hours. I could tell him anything, and I did. He would tell me that he believed in me, over and over. I believe that he was sincere. About a year later, he was suddenly killed in a car accident. He had told me that he loved me a few days prior, and for whatever reason, I couldn't say it back. I was overwhelmed with guilt following his death, and I spent a year not sleeping, not really eating, and having a ton of seizures. And crying, and doing stupid, risk-taking things like climbing out onto roofs in the middle of the night and trying to get into fights with people. I don't remember very much from that period of time.

I guess I have to make a second post. So much for being brief.

After my friend died and all of that happened, I failed out of college. That embarrassed my mother (who really thought that I wasn't actually feeling anything), and so I had to hear even more about how much of a loser I am. She'd wake me up in the middle of the night to scream at me. Even though I've been living on my own for years, she still calls me and does this. If I don't pick up the phone, she just keeps calling.

I was in a string of abusive relationships. I went back to school for a career in medicine. At one point, I was singing (read: screaming; whenever I was on stage, I used to say that I was performing a self-exorcism) in a punk band. At a show, I had a seizure while I was on stage, and I really couldn't ignore it at that point any longer. But I did. I knew I had epilepsy, but I didn't really care. I didn't want to end up like Ian Curtis of Joy Division.

I got into a relationship with a guy that seemed great. We eventually moved in together, and things went downhill quickly. He was an alcoholic and just yelled and hit me all the time. He wouldn't really pay rent or anything, so I worked long hours to support myself, him, and his case of beer a day habit. My job was awful. I mean, I loved what I did -- I worked with sick children -- but the management didn't know how to run a department. Once, I was at the hospital for thirty-six hours straight. When I got home, I had a huge seizure and hit my head so hard that I wound up with a closed head injury. I knew that I had to get my epilepsy under control.

I kept seeing doctors, and they kept throwing all kinds of pills at me. Nothing really worked -- in fact, I was having even more seizures. But, I kept going to work. I had seizures there and was written up. (I know that's hard to believe, but it happened.)

Eventually, I moved out and got a roommate and an apartment on the other side of the city. I thought this guy was my friend, but he had other ideas. I didn't want a relationship with him, and I made it very clear. So, he kept calling and texting my family members and friends upwards of eighteen times a day, saying that I was obviously mentally ill and couldn't survive without him. He'd follow me whenever I left the house. I told my mother that I was scared, but she told me to stop being a baby.

As I was moving out at the end of the lease, I got an anonymous letter in the mail -- to this day, I still don't know who sent it. It said that he had put cameras into the drop-ceiling of the bathroom and my room, and was filming me. He was also distributing the footage. In addition, he had put a keylogger onto my computer, so whatever I typed got emailed to him. The worst part was that he was planning on making sure that I never moved out, and I was in serious danger. I called the police, and they found the cameras and the footage and all of that.

Putting him behind bars was difficult. He kept playing the system, so I was in court I don't know how many times. At one point, he made himself his own attorney, which means he got access to all that footage again. He was allowed to watch it at the county jail. That just made me sick. It was like I was going through it all over again. Even though he was in jail, he could still hurt me. I kind of had a breakdown at that point and lived in total fear. That was the point where I just broke. I've never recovered and still live in terror that he's going to get me.

I stopped sleeping, so I had more and more seizures. I was fired from my job because I kept seizing at work. I can't get unemployment because they said that I took a "voluntary" leave of absence, even though I didn't. I could call a lawyer, but...well, what's the point? There's no point. Nothing ever works out well.

So, there I am. I think I've reached the very bottom. I can't fight anymore. For most of my life, I wanted to be a writer. Writing was the only thing that kept me going. I haven't written in a year or so because I can't do it anymore. It's just gone, and I don't care. I tried seeking counseling a few times, and they just want to throw more pills at me.

I no longer have friends because of all the damage my former roommate caused and also because I'm afraid to go outside anymore. My mother continues to call every day, and I live in fear of her calls. Because I'm at the point where I believe every awful thing that she says about me, and I wonder why I'm still here.

I don't know. But there you go. That's my story.

reply to post by Hyaena


Thank- You for sharing your story and I could identify with alot of Your feelings ! I've always felt that I should keep everything to myself that I'm not important enough or I shouldn't burden anyone with my problems . I really hope You can find some kind of peace and serenity out of all that you have gone through cause we all are important and we deserve to be heard and loved !!

Hmmmmm, lets see. I was born legally blind into a somewhat normal family. At age 5 I was flunked into kindergarten a second time because I couldn't tell the difference between blue and green, or orange and pink. Have been threatened with murder multiple times in the various neighborhoods I lived in. Parents got divorced at 8, where my mom had sex with a ton of young men after piles of drugs were consumed at the table, all while me and my 2 younger siblings were in the next room. My brother is a psychopath. My sister is selfish like my mother, and we all jumped into abusive relationships to avoikd living with our mom. Except for my brother of course, he abuses the family he lives with. He beat up the 70 year old lady that supports him, and claims he supports her. My mentally abusive girlfriend stopped taking birth control to entrap me, and has caused me to lose multiple scholarships, lose my mind, lose hope, and because I am blind I could never be a good father due to the hours it takes to travel on public transportation. The abuse and neglect put forth by my family has caused me totake a decade just to complete an associates degree, and my father, the only family member with sense just died from brain cancer. I am only 30 and things have caused me to ride a roller coaster that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It saddens me because I always felt as if I had so much to offer, but everyone around me cannot think much more than that of an insect.  So much more, I think I could write a novel longer than the entire text comprising the bible. Things appear as if they’re straight out of a Sylvia Plath poem.



reply to post by Starwise

Originally posted by Advantage

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Oh and Nixie.. cheer up you grump. I havent spoken to you in ages. If you arent in a more deliriously giddy frame of mind by this evening I WILL write a series of limericks concerning Grumpy and mean old Nixie Nox, who's a hell of a person and smart as a fox, yet her ears sometimes need a good box.. etc for the poetry contest. really juvenile stuff.. you dont want that.

lolol! That was awesome. I have been on ATS for 6 years and I think you are only the 3 person to get the Dr. Seuss reference.

edit on 4-11-2012 by nixie_nox because: (no reason given)

reply to post by Advantage


You are right, someone always has harder problems. Yes some poor child is swimming in landfill leachate right now, but that doesn't make my money problems go away. People still have their own problems and they are very real to them. I am not denying that.
But saying that this country is full of dictators and we are not free and don't have any rights, is a different story. And it is makes us look ridiculous to the people who don't have any.
Though I think that hypervigilance is what keeps it that way, but my tolerance for exaggerating is pretty low these days.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Bad things happen to people all the time,you either learn from
them or you let them destroy you!
Dialing 911 for my husband who had a stroke on september 3 this year.

Originally posted by rick004
reply to post by nixie_nox

 

I don't doubt that its tragic in the Sudan or any other 3rd world country ! They can start there own thread !

Exept people in extreme poverty don't have internet and commputers, and if they did, their government censors them. Remember that when you are complaining bout your lack of freedoms on the net.

Do you know that the children in North Korea think that Disney is manufactured by the Japanese? The government has such a tight hold that they think Cinderella came from Japan, not the US.

so since you lack the knowledge of what life is really like in actual oppressed countries, you don't have a reference for what a loss of freedom is.

I do doubt that You have been through what you mentioned previously ?

*laughs* nice try. You can doubt all you want, doesn't make it any less real to me. And I don't need to share with strangers on the net to validate my problems. Nor will it make them go away.

reply to post by nixie_nox


I have seen my share of poverty and despair ! I volunteer twice a month at the shepherds of good hope and I speak on a regular basis at the detox in my city , judging from your other threads the worst you've been through is too many sweeteners in your Starbucks !!! Oh and I never complained that my country is oppressed !

I do strongly believe that tough things happen to us for a reason, even if it's not visible to us at the time. Even if the reason is that we learn and become stronger from whatever we are facing.

For me my worst things are losing a very dear friend, who was like a brother to me, to carbon monoxide poisoning in his home. He had thought he was suffering from 'flu....one week later he was found dead in bed at 30 years old. Very hard to come to terms with for me.

The second was being diagnosed with bilateral massive Pulmonary Embolism 8 months ago. I ignored the symptoms for 2 weeks until I collapsed in emergency room and spent one week in ICU, separated from my 6 month old baby and 2 young daughters, wondering if I would make it out of there to see them again! Very traumatic time and still coming to terms with the life changing effect it had on me.

Have learned a huge amount from both events, things I can teach to my children about not taking loved ones for granted, assuming they'll be there forever and also that when faced with your own mortality, it's all about the people you will miss, not the material things.

Sending very best wishes for those going through difficult times, big or small, right now xx

vOriginally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
reply to post by nixie_nox

 

.

Ahahahaha. Nationalist? I'll have fun with you.

Nope, just a realist.

Because of working in welfare, I have dealt with refugees. People Who lost everything, including their culture, who lived with no food, water, education, no medicine, forgotten in camps for YEARS until a country like the US or Canada can take them. People who show up in front of me, beaten down and malnurished. So frightened that they hide behind their liason, tiny from lack of food, and afraid to look at anybody. Who now have to figure out how to make it in a very strange place. My country is taking them when their country abandoned them.

I had a pauper to princess coworker from Nigeria who would tell me what her country is like, and how good women have it in first world countries. In her country, if a woman crosses her legs in front of a man, she is beaten. Her husband, a US peace diplomat, had to buy her from her family.

There are things I love about America, just as there are things I hate. The same is true with every nation. Every nation has its flaws.

Glad you can see that, and you are right. It is just the spectrum of those flaws vary from country to country.Some are far more extreme than others.

The way the "justice" system treats people in my home country just happens to be one of the things I hate.

No, it is not perfect. The war on drugs is a joke, I agree. But it is also not the worst system.

I hate my government, but I love my country. The American government does hate freedom, you'd have to be quite the ignorant slave to think otherwise.

Really? Because today if I wanted too,I can go to a museum of my choice, I can go see the free play at the local university, I can go to a movie of my choice. I have access to 24 hour medical care, despite my income. If my son gets sick in the middle of the night, I can go to a 24 hour pharmacy to get medicine. I can choose to wear pants out, or a skirt, or pajama bottoms if I really wanted too.
I can choose to eat chicken, or beef, or pork.
I can choose to go to school, or not to go to school.
I can choose a park of any kind, local, state, or federal, all within an hour of me.
I can celebrate whatever holiday I want.
If my husband beats me, I can go to a shelter.
If I decide my next dog is a great dane, got that choice too..
I am not so hungry that I have to eat the family pet.
I can buy an American car, a Korean car, a Japanese car, an Italian car, a German car, depending on how I choose.


So are you saying you don't have any of these choices?

Because many countries don't.

But the rapidly increasing gun sales in America? Love it.

I love the hypocrisy in this statement. You say you don't have any freedoms yet revel in the fact that there are rising gun sales.

You sound like a whiner. No offense.

LMFAO! Boo hoo, my life was hard, boo hoo, I don't have any rights. Talk about projection.

Now I do have to give both of my cats a bath today. That will probably be the worst thing that will happen to me all week. LOL!

*looks for full body armor on quibids*

Originally posted by nixie_nox

vOriginally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
reply to post by nixie_nox

 

.

Ahahahaha. Nationalist? I'll have fun with you.

Nope, just a realist.

Because of working in welfare, I have dealt with refugees. People Who lost everything, including their culture, who lived with no food, water, education, no medicine, forgotten in camps for YEARS until a country like the US or Canada can take them. People who show up in front of me, beaten down and malnurished. So frightened that they hide behind their liason, tiny from lack of food, and afraid to look at anybody. Who now have to figure out how to make it in a very strange place. My country is taking them when their country abandoned them.

I had a pauper to princess coworker from Nigeria who would tell me what her country is like, and how good women have it in first world countries. In her country, if a woman crosses her legs in front of a man, she is beaten. Her husband, a US peace diplomat, had to buy her from her family.

There are things I love about America, just as there are things I hate. The same is true with every nation. Every nation has its flaws.

Glad you can see that, and you are right. It is just the spectrum of those flaws vary from country to country.Some are far more extreme than others.

The way the "justice" system treats people in my home country just happens to be one of the things I hate.

No, it is not perfect. The war on drugs is a joke, I agree. But it is also not the worst system.

I hate my government, but I love my country. The American government does hate freedom, you'd have to be quite the ignorant slave to think otherwise.

Really? Because today if I wanted too,I can go to a museum of my choice, I can go see the free play at the local university, I can go to a movie of my choice. I have access to 24 hour medical care, despite my income. If my son gets sick in the middle of the night, I can go to a 24 hour pharmacy to get medicine. I can choose to wear pants out, or a skirt, or pajama bottoms if I really wanted too.
I can choose to eat chicken, or beef, or pork.
I can choose to go to school, or not to go to school.
I can choose a park of any kind, local, state, or federal, all within an hour of me.
I can celebrate whatever holiday I want.
If my husband beats me, I can go to a shelter.
If I decide my next dog is a great dane, got that choice too..
I am not so hungry that I have to eat the family pet.
I can buy an American car, a Korean car, a Japanese car, an Italian car, a German car, depending on how I choose.


So are you saying you don't have any of these choices?

Because many countries don't.

But the rapidly increasing gun sales in America? Love it.

I love the hypocrisy in this statement. You say you don't have any freedoms yet revel in the fact that there are rising gun sales.

You sound like a whiner. No offense.

LMFAO! Boo hoo, my life was hard, boo hoo, I don't have any rights. Talk about projection.

edit on 4-11-2012 by nixie_nox because: I suck at quoting quotes

Never said I didn't have any freedoms.

I'm not denying that America has certain freedoms that makes us desirable to a lot of onlookers from other countries, just as it makes us a target for hatrid. But, do you know how America treats those other countries? Those other countries aren't struggling just because of their own government. The American government is known for terrorizing other countries.

The freedoms in America are for SOME people, not all Americans. I'd like you to ask my black friends how many choices they can make in their every day lives without the thought of "Is this gonna get me arrested?" coming into their heads. It's much harder for them to get a decent car, decent job, or a gun.

I'm sure other countries have to deal with terrible things that Americans are usually free from, but Americans have to deal with things that other countries' citizens don't. Also, the ability to buy firearms doesn't make this a perfect country. It doesn't mean America has a great government. It only means there is a good quality in our laws, allowing us to have guns legally. We're armed.

I stated a genuine opinion about America, and you respond with "Go to Sudan if you don't like it!" Sorry, but that seems like a whiny thing to say. Just saying.

I only started this thread so that people could vent about their hardships. It doesn't mean anyone is boo-hooing about anything.

Trust me, I understand Americans have an advantage in life compared to many other people. But, I also understand that suffering is a universal event that everyone endures, and everyone deserves to feel from it.

Damn, I need to post another thread.

I believe the whole "Someone always has it worse than you!" argument is entirely ignorant.

Everyone suffers. Everyone suffers a series of very different, adverse things.

Everyone, due to their mental make-up, handles suffering differently. One thing that may be traumatic to one person may only be a minor setback to another person.

Some people explode into emotion when their morals, feelings, and lives are challenged, while others shut off completely. Some people are hurt deeply by the most minor of things, while others can take a barrage of "emotional bullets" and be almost unscathed.

Weather or not someone has had it "worse" than you doesn't totally depend on what they've been through. It depends on who they are, how they handle pain and suffering, why they handle it this way, and how big of a deal the whole situation is to them emotionally, morally, and mentally.

I think there are too many variables in the "who's had it worse" contests for there to be any real, valid answer.

Point it; we all suffer. We all feel pain, from one thing or another.

That's my only point.

To everyone else, I have read all of your threads, and I understand your stories.

Thank you for deciding to share your story with me, It is important to me.

I will reply to all of you individually when I don't have a splitting headache...

God bless

Originally posted by AceWombat04
reply to post by r2d246

 

Very true. Yet, question: does this mean that everyone suffering something seemingly less severe than those individuals don't count, or shouldn't express their pain? Does it mean they aren't worthy of sympathy or some measure of compassion? And what if someone, somewhere is going through something even worse than those you described? There are neurological disorders - as just one example - that cause excruciating, untreatable pain 24 hours a day, 365 days a year throughout the entirety of the body. Do the double amputee and total colectomy patient who can at least treat their pain somehow matter less now than that other person suffering continuously?

In my view at least, it isn't a competition. Unless we turn it into one. Suffering is suffering, it varies greatly from individual to individual, comes in innumerable forms, and all are worthy of compassion in my opinion.

Of course, disagreement is everyone's prerogative and I respect their opinions. Peace.

edit on 11/4/2012 by AceWombat04 because: (no reason given)

Yes I've heard that one before. But we're a society of wimps, me included. I complain too about the stupidest stuff. But it's in hearding stuff like that that helps me put my problems in proper perspective. Like in the grand scheme of what could happen to me in life, it's nothing in comparison. But then again I guess life is about problems too, small or large. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right.

Originally posted by cbaskins
Hmmmmm, lets see. I was born legally blind into a somewhat normal family. At age 5 I was flunked into kindergarten a second time because I couldn't tell the difference between blue and green, or orange and pink. Have been threatened with murder multiple times in the various neighborhoods I lived in. Parents got divorced at 8, where my mom had sex with a ton of young men after piles of drugs were consumed at the table, all while me and my 2 younger siblings were in the next room. My brother is a psychopath. My sister is selfish like my mother, and we all jumped into abusive relationships to avoikd living with our mom. Except for my brother of course, he abuses the family he lives with. He beat up the 70 year old lady that supports him, and claims he supports her. My mentally abusive girlfriend stopped taking birth control to entrap me, and has caused me to lose multiple scholarships, lose my mind, lose hope, and because I am blind I could never be a good father due to the hours it takes to travel on public transportation. The abuse and neglect put forth by my family has caused me totake a decade just to complete an associates degree, and my father, the only family member with sense just died from brain cancer. I am only 30 and things have caused me to ride a roller coaster that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It saddens me because I always felt as if I had so much to offer, but everyone around me cannot think much more than that of an insect.  So much more, I think I could write a novel longer than the entire text comprising the bible. Things appear as if they’re straight out of a Sylvia Plath poem.



reply to post by Starwise

 

That's a lot of drama, if it was me I'd move to the other side of the country. And just try and make my own life. Cut ties so to speak. It's not healthy.

Well at 10 my parents began to fighy, pretty bad. Then at 11 they divorced, which took a bad toll on me. At 12 the fighting got way worse between my parents, and me and my bro began having problems. At 13 life was good, for.a little bit. The fighting between my parents got worse. And now at 14 I get therapy while the fighting continues. But atleast I have ATS.

reply to post by r2d246


Well, for me it's a little of both. When actually faced with pain and challenges, I do draw some minor comfort from knowing other people have survived and overcome far worse. But to say that one person's suffering is nothing compared to someone else's and that they should simply be strong and learn from it feels incompassionate to me. It isn't how I would want to be treated if I were suffering what, for me, was greatly.

My point was that while there is always someone going through something worse than you, your own pain is equally valid. "Worse" or "more" doesn't mean "more valid" in my opinion. If it did, then only the sole individual suffering more than anyone else on the entire planet would have a claim to "true" suffering, and that just doesn't make sense to me personally. Or, failing that, we'd have to arrange suffering in tiers and say, "Well these people are suffering the most, so they deserve the most compassion and for their pain to be seen as the most valid." That just doesn't jive with what I feel and think.

But that's just me and my two cents. Peace.

reply to post by ufohunter16


I kind of know what you're going through ! My father died when I was 11 , a year or so later my mom started dating and eventually lived with a few guys through my teens . They probably weren't that bad but I hated them for trying to replace my father . I'm married to a woman who has a teenage daughter and the fighting that goes on with her ex is constant and my stepdaughter is caught between the bulls$&t !! In my teenage years I turned to alcohol and drugs to escape from my problems and my stepdaughter is doing the same right now !! I try and remind her that its not her fault and she is not to blame in all this ! I wish you the best and I don't suggest the alcohol or drug solution !! It screwed me up pretty good !!