Need feedback on writing style

I bet you never thought you would hear that. I've been trying to improve my writing skills. Here is a short passage from something I'm writing. Did I make any mistakes?

On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity. Orbiting a class six gas giant in a class zero blue super giant solar system, Caldara is desolate and inhospitable. The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms. The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer, though this asset does not come without a price. The moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm. The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates. The unique orbit of the planet and the moon, maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization.

Feel free to offer critique on writing style or whatever. Just point out the actual error if you would.

reply to post by AnarchysAngel


Other than a few misplaced commas, I don't see any errors.
Precise and succinct without any extra useless words.
I can't help with punctuation though. I suck at it.

The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms.

You could get rid of the words THAT ARE in this sentence if you wanted to.

reply to post by AnarchysAngel


Going back to bed.


Don't mind me, OP. I always get this way when I'm constipated. Your paragraph is clear enough, it's my brain that makes no sense.

what , no rotation on its axis ? also - active volcanoes are not a stable environment

reply to post by jiggerj


The very first sentence in the story lets you know it was a moon.

Great story OP. I would read it. S&F

reply to post by jiggerj


Isn't that a run on sentence?

reply to post by ignorant_ape


The axis rotates just enough to keep the same sides facing the same directions at all times. The orbit rotates just enough to keep the moon between the star and the gas giant at all times. Viewed from the gas giant's interior it would look like a permanent eclipse, or a dark circular spot surrounded by a blue halo. Like our moon but different. Keep in mind this is a futuristic story. In the future volcanoes are not the danger that they are today. All of that is explained elsewhere. The moon is very unique.

Originally posted by 03Smoker
reply to post by jiggerj

 

The very first sentence in the story lets you know it was a moon.

Great story OP. I would read it. S&F

Oh yeah. Guess I don't have my sci-fi brain running this morning. To the OP - Neh'ver mind.

Originally posted by AnarchysAngel
reply to post by jiggerj

 

More tired than I thought. Please disregard my statements here if I can't edit them out.

edit on 10/21/2012 by jiggerj because: (no reason given)

On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity.

The comma is unnecessary and incorrect. Look at your subject and verb here. A "direction" "lies". That doesn't make any sense to me. How can a direction lie? "The future" is superflous; "a new direction for humanity" is just fine. It seems that you are trying to say that there is a some sort of new prospect for humanity in this remote place. I'd lead with that. Something like "A new prospect awaits humanity on the dark side of a distant moon". I guess you could keep the order inverted as you have it if you like it better, but I'm more drawn into the paragraph by a new prospect for humanity than by the dark side of a distant moon.

carbon based life forms

This requires a hyphen: "carbon-based life forms".

The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer, though this asset does not come without a price. The moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm.

This wants to be a single sentence to me. A semicolon could pull it together.

The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates.

So here you start talking about a gas giant as if we've already heard about it, but we haven't. Confusing. The moon's climate is divided into two distinct zones, not the moon itself.

The unique orbit of the planet and the moon, maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization.

All kinds of trouble here. You want to say that the climatic zones are stable, due to the unusual orbits of the planet and moon. OK. Not clear how that happens, so you need to elaborate on that. We know nothing of the planet yet, it just pops up here with no prior reference. I guess that a moon implies a planet, but this isn't very clear. How about saying something about the planet and its relation to the moon, then making the point about the climates? That would flow better and give you an opportunity to explain this unusual orbital situation a bit.

Then you say that the climates make it a stable (but dangerous) cradle for human colonization. How do stable climates make it dangerous? Maybe the danger comes from the active volcanoes. If so, the point doesn't belong in this sentence.

This seems like an opening, so it's really important to paint a picture and make it flow smoothly to draw the reader in. Make sure to always analyze your subject and verb and make sure they go together. Don't worry, just write it a couple dozen more times and it will get better.

reply to post by luminaut


Thanks for the advice. I changed a few things already. will change more.

i think you are a fantastic writer- great potential
one critic though, you may not want to use so many adjectives in a row
for example " in a class zero blue super giant solar system" is a little lengthy no?
other than that, fantastical

Great idea for a story. First, you have to stop starting too many sentences with the word "The'. You need to make your story flow. I'll take another look.

Originally posted by AnarchysAngel
I bet you never thought you would hear that. I've been trying to improve my writing skills. Here is a short passage from something I'm writing. Did I make any mistakes?

On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity. Orbiting a class six gas giant in a class zero blue super giant solar system, Caldara is desolate and inhospitable. The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms. The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer, though this asset does not come without a price. The moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm. The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates. The unique orbit of the planet and the moon, maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization.

Feel free to offer critique on writing style or whatever. Just point out the actual error if you would.

Here's one sentence you can change taking the word 'the' away from the beginning of the sentence... Instead of: The moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm.

How about: Showing evidence of past cataclysm are the extremely active volcanoes on the moon's surface.

Sorry, posted reply when I wasn't ready.

reply to post by Night Star


I changed that sentence and the one beside it. I added more detailed elements and made everything stand alone. I'm working on the the problem. Right after I work on the I problem.

reply to post by OceansBtween


That was the first thing I changed. I removed the useless classifications and put in actual description. I'll cover the clasifications later.

reply to post by luminaut


Oh, some great advice here! That is very helpful.

Excellent point about the classifications. I didn't mention that because I thought maybe it meant something that I was ignorant of. But in any case, you can't expect an average reader to make much sense of "class six", "class zero", "class x" without a little background. Unless you're trying to lure them in with the promise of later explanation, but that doesn't work on me.

Here is the heavily revised paragraph.

A distant moon may hold humanities last hope or perhaps its final hour. Caldara orbits a gas giant situated in a blue super giant system, near the edge of our region of space. Massive craters and gaping chasms litter the land, evidence of past cataclysm. Volcanoes are violent and active, though the molten core keeps the night side from freezing. Caldara’s scorched light side confronts the blue giant star, while the eerie dark side enjoys the dim glow of the luminescent gas giant. This affords the moon two light sources, and two distinct climates. Caldara’s unique orbit and rotation results in perpetual climates that make it a stable site for human colonization.

Better? Worse? Too confusing?

reply to post by AnarchysAngel


Original text:

On the dark side of a distant moon, lies a new direction for the future of humanity. Orbiting a class six gas giant in a class zero blue super giant solar system, Caldara is desolate and inhospitable. The class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms. The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer, though this asset does not come without a price. The moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm. The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates. The unique orbit of the planet and the moon, maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization.

Rewrite:
"On the dark side of a distant moon lies a new direction for the future of humanity.

Caldara is desolate and inhospitable, orbiting a Class Six gas giant in a Class Zero blue super giant solar system. The Class X moon has few characteristics that are beneficial to carbon based life forms, as the moon’s surface has extremely active volcanoes, and shows evidence of past cataclysm. The scorching light side faces the blue giant star while the eerie dark side faces the gas giant, dividing the moon into two distinct climates. The iron core of Caldara provides geothermal heat transfer, though this asset does not come without a price. The unique orbit of the planet and the moon maintains the constant climates that make it a stable but dangerous cradle for human colonization."

Still six sentences long, but with an opening premise, introduction of the subject (Caldara), and descriptors listed afterwards.

Science fiction is my favorite genre to read. I would read this book when it's finished. I hope you like the re-write, and I also wanted to tell you we do have a Short Story forum here. There are two writing contests this month, so of course, I encourage you to enter. (Links in my sig!) Winning a contest nabs you "writer" status on ATS, which would look good on your CV down the road if you are interested in publishing.

It is challenging to write outside of the genre you are comfortable with, but I'd like to think that being able to write anything is a good challenge in creativity.

reply to post by Druid42


The revision is just above your post. I rewrote most of it.