What Do You Say At A Funeral?

My landlord passed away on Friday. We weren't too awfully close but we lived on the same property and on occasion worked on the land together and often passed each other coming or going from work. As a matter of fact I did have tea with him just last week. But we weren't close enough to for him to confide in me, in any real detail, the level to which he was sick. Which was part of his character. He was a strong willed man.

At any rate, if I define myself by what I believe in, I am a secular humanist. If I define myself by what I do not believe in I am an agnostic. As such, I would like to get some advice on reasonable, yet comforting things to say that aren't too saccharine to his wife and his children, all of whom I will see tomorrow at the viewing.
If any of you have experience in this I would love to hear your input.

reply to post by Philodemus


The standard "I am sorry for your loss" is usually appropriate.

What to say?

Too many people lie and profess the person as a saint. Only because of the possibility of insulting those left behind and to not be seen as insensitive. It's insulting and in no way does it honor the life.

I would say the truth.

What better way to honor someone than to speak the truth? Was he an ass? ok. Greedy? ok etc.

And then find some small redeeming quality to end it with. Everyone has at least one.

To lie about the deceased is not a compliment but an insult IMO. To have people tell lies over the grave is nothing short of disrespectful of the life that was led.

When I die, just tell the truth because that's how I rolled and how I want to be remembered.

Peace

Of death what is there to be said? I don't think you have to say anything, and I don't think it is expected of you to say anything.

reply to post by Philodemus


Sorry to hear about your landlord passing. He sounds like a good man.

I think your best move would be to extend your sympathies to his family and ask if there is anything you can do to help out. If they feel like chatting, then by all means, take the time to chat for a bit, then politely excuse yourself.

Originally posted by AnonymousCitizen
reply to post by Philodemus

 

The standard "I am sorry for your loss" is usually appropriate.

Ditto....

I would say something like " I don't know how to express my sorrow but I am there for you and the family in any way that I can be of help ! "

I have never spoken at a funeral because I would have fallen apart.

Growing up with my mom and dad. My mom taught me that crying was a weakness. So I didnt cry much.

If I did cry it was alone so no one could see me.

I think you should just say you are sorry for their loss and that be it.

I heard that so many dang times when my mom passed ,it did get annoying but I knew they didn't know what to say to me.

Crying is not a weakness but I still find myself crying privately.....

reply to post by Philodemus


Dear Philodemus,

I have led a number of funerals and each family has their own way of dealing with death. As you do not define yourself as having a particular religious belief, don't feel a need to discuss the afterlife, say what you believe. Consider saying something along the lines of, "I didn;t know your (father, husband, brother) well; but, we spent some time together and he was a strong man and I am so sorry for your loss." If you have an amusing story about him consider telling them it, if there was something in particular about him that you liked mention that. Funerals are for the family, they let them know that their deceased had an effect on others. Peace.

reply to post by jude11




"That dirty rotten son of a bitch.....I'm glad he's dead!"

You can't say stuff like that at a funeral jude.

It'd be funny to be there and hear somebody say something like that but I don't think it's "proper".

Shove a bible into his wife's chest and say that you prayed God would have mercy on his soul, but he's most likely burning in hell with Satan. Look around the room with a scowl and scream that they'll all be in hell with the lord of the land soon.

reply to post by Philodemus


If you're comforting his family, tell them "if there is anything you need I'll be there"....its comforting and most likely they won't bother you....its a nice jesture.

If you are speaking at the funeral, saying a few words......be humorous about him.
when my dad passed we enjoyed all the funny stories from his work buds.....and how much of a
practical joker he was, we never saw that side so it felt good.

Originally posted by cavalryscout
reply to post by jude11

 

"That dirty rotten son of a bitch.....I'm glad he's dead!"

You can't say stuff like that at a funeral jude.

It'd be funny to be there and hear somebody say something like that but I don't think it's "proper".

No.

What I want as my last testimony is only the truth:

He was sometimes cruel...but fair.

He was greedy but gave to many.

He was a hard-ass...but never denied anyone a meal.

He loved many women...and they loved him in return.

His kids thought he was mean but they learned about life.

His business partners hated him but he was honest.

His mother...loved him unconditionally.

I can rest well with those words.

Peace

reply to post by natalia


I understand that completely, it was the same for my family as well.....no crying ever....I distracted myself when my dad died by staring at the drapes, and paintings in the funeral home...but when my grandparents died I was a mess...I loved them more then anyone....

I got the whole "sorry for your loss" thing...but I knew they were lost for words too

There's not a lot you can say.

There have been 10 funerals in my family in the past 3 years. At some point, you just lose all feeling. The standard "I'm so sorry, if there's anything I can do, please let me know" works as well as anything. You don't really remember what people said to you, you just remember they were there and they were supportive to you. The "standard comments" are usually the best. They convey the feeling that you are being supportive, they don't cause more tears and they let the grieving people continue in their grieving without causing it to linger.

It sucks, but, that's about all you can do.

One doesnt HAVE to say anything...thats fine.

After I buried my sister in law, my brother, my father in law and my mother...I just sign the book and sit quietly in the background. I no longer go up to the casket, nor speak to the families unless approached.

They understand.

IMHO, the most meaningful thing(s) you can say, are simply little anecdotal narrations that tell of the uniqueness and value of the deceased. You can tell them you had tea with him, because he was the kind of landlord a person would want to do that with. You can recount something he said or did thru the years.

For example, when my sister died an untimely death 10 years ago, a lot of people in her small town attended the funeral. I can't remember all the "I'm sorry's" and "I'm praying for you" statements. What stands out to me, is the poorly dressed lady standing sort of on the fringe of things, who made her way over to me and said, "Your sister was one of the kindest people I ever met. I knew who she was, but she didn't know me at all, when I ran out of gas in front of the gas station. I was trying to decide how to split my small amount of money between gas and food. She filled my car up with gas. Dressed in her Sunday finest, she just did it herself and treated me like a dear friend. Ever after that, if she saw me around town, she would smile and greet me by name, like I was somebody special. That's why I'm here."

That's what loved ones really want to know-- how the person mattered... how they will "live on" within the hearts and minds of those they came in contact with. I'm tearing up right now thinking about that lady's words, and I can just see Linda's heart-warming smile and take-charge attitude.

A lot of people go through the line, hold the family members hand a moment and simply say "My Sympathies." Simple and to the point. If it is someone you know better you can say more of course.

" I am very sorry for your loss"

is all you need.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I appreciate the comments left for me. I did read them before I left for the viewing but it's not until today that I have the chance to respond.

When the family left for the funeral home they forgot to get the dog back into the house, so that was my initial ice-breaker. "Good thing Max is so loyal because....". I then used it as a lead into, "Anything you need I am just at the end of the driveway and my door is always open."

Thanks again, all.