How to truly understand others on the planet without judging

Originally posted by rickymouse
reply to post by jiggerj

 

There are a lot of people who judge others for being overweight. That has been going on since I was a kid. Judging is sometimes an insecurity problem. Make others appear bad so you look better.

And, that's wrong. These people are shallow. How do voters select a candidate? They have to judge which one would be better, or which one would be worse than the other. We judge all the time. We have to.

Originally posted by jiggerj
We judge all the time. We have to.

No we don't

We choose to.

Another word for judge is assess. To assess a person or a situation is to learn about it. When we feel we're done learning about that person or situation, we form an opinion. That opinion is the judgement.

Here's a good case in point. I'm watching the Broncos and Falcons on T.V. right now 8 minutes into the game and the Bronco's quarterback, Peyton Manning, has been intercepted 3 times. 3 times in 8 minutes. If I didn't know anything about Peyton Manning, I'd swear the man sucks. That would be my judgement call 8 minutes into a 60 minute game. But there are 52 minutes left. 52 minutes to assess everything else the man will do. ( Pointer, stop throwing the ball Peyton. It's not working out too well for you )

Yes, people judge. That's what most people do. But IMO, when you do that you're selling yourself short because at the point you pass judgement, you're essentially stopping yourself from learning more about the person you're judging. Most people say " So what, they're not my business" Then why judge them to begin with if they're none of your business?

I assess people. Constantly and without end. When I feel I know as much about them as I need to, I decide if I like 'em or not. I don't go that extra mile and actuallyjudge someone. I'm not that full of myself because, ultimately, it's not what a person is that's important. It's how you respond to that person that's important.

This is in regards to people in general BTW. People who are in your life or whom you would really like to be in your life, well, that's a different conversation altogether. For me at least.

Originally posted by jiggerj

Originally posted by rickymouse
reply to post by jiggerj

 

There are a lot of people who judge others for being overweight. That has been going on since I was a kid. Judging is sometimes an insecurity problem. Make others appear bad so you look better.

And, that's wrong. These people are shallow. How do voters select a candidate? They have to judge which one would be better, or which one would be worse than the other. We judge all the time. We have to.

That is not really the kind of judging I meant. When you select a political candidate, you evaluate the one you think are the best for the job based on their abilities.

The kind of judging I meant is when you get angry at people for their behavior and you dont want anything to do with them because of it. So instead of learning how to handle that specific person, you choose to either avoid them completely or to gossip about them behind their back, thereby missing the opportunity to learn how to not get angry at that personality in the future. So they come back into your life, over and over, causing you grief that you actually can avoid if you just learn it.

If you learn how to just be around those people and appriciating the good in them, you will have a happier life because you will have far less sadness and anger caused by other peoples personality. Im not saying people should do nothing when someone does something bad, but Im saying that you can tell the person why you think their actions are bad and even learn to accept that that persons learning experience is part of this life, just like yours.

We want to control everything, but the secret to happiness is to just accept whatever comes into your life, as if someone made it happen so you can learn from it. Most of the sadness comes from us wanting something else than we got. The buddhists are onto something, even though I think you have to want something to have any kind of driving force in life, so I dont believe in giving up on all desires.

If you really want something, you should work to get it. But I think accepting some things are part of life.

Originally posted by Bodhi911

Originally posted by jiggerj

Originally posted by rickymouse
reply to post by jiggerj

 

The kind of judging I meant is when you get angry at people for their behavior and you dont want anything to do with them because of it. So instead of learning how to handle that specific person, you choose to either avoid them completely or to gossip about them behind their back, thereby missing the opportunity to learn how to not get angry at that personality in the future. So they come back into your life, over and over, causing you grief that you actually can avoid if you just learn it.

edit on 18-9-2012 by Bodhi911 because: (no reason given)

When I bartend I have to be pleasant and calm at all times, no matter how crabby a guest is. When I'm not at work, I can choose who I want to hang out with, who I want to be intimate with, etc. If I break my day down to working, sleeping, and reading, then I have little time in my day to personally socialize, so I do judge people as being worth that time to socialize with, and become more acquainted with. I don't have to be angry with people I judge to be incompatible with me, but I can be indifferent towards them. It's only going to be a very small group of people I have been lucky enough to know who I greatly appreciate spending their time with me. So I certainly judge those who I would like to get to know better, and those who I don't care to know better.

reply to post by trysts


Your point of view is common, but I can at least offer you an alternative.

You dont have to be incompatible with anyone and everybody is "worth your time" once you see how your life can improve by getting along with everybody. Imagine almost nobody being able to upset you. Sounds kind of nice doesnt it? And you dont have to avoid people because of their "non compatible" personality.

Perhaps Im just different to most people because that is how I see it...

Originally posted by Bodhi911
reply to post by trysts

 

Your point of view is common, but I can at least offer you an alternative.

You dont have to be incompatible with anyone and everybody is "worth your time" once you see how your life can improve by getting along with everybody. Imagine almost nobody being able to upset you. Sounds kind of nice doesnt it? And you dont have to avoid people because of their "non compatible" personality.

Perhaps Im just different to most people because that is how I see it...

edit on 18-9-2012 by Bodhi911 because: (no reason given)

Well you're quite the idealist, Bodhi911, which is hardly wrong. I'm very much the idealist when it comes to wars and violence, but you do take it quite a bit further than I could ever want to imagine. Can we all get along? Of course! Do I want to include everyone in my small circle of friends? No. I enjoy my small circle of friends, and I just don't have the energy, nor the trust in including everyone I meet into my tiny world

reply to post by Bodhi911

I know I shouldn't be aggressive and critical if I plan to make friends here.

But this is mumbo jumbo.

People are different because they're different, not because of soul ages.

I think the primary reason is ... this is the way evolution works. This is how life formed. Diversity is like a melting pot of chemicals and it supports the spreading of evolution across the universe.

I think the reason you choose to believe in soul ages is because of fear of death. And fear of injustice. And fear of loss and abandonment. You, like many others, seek divine refuge from the physical world. You've come to believe that the physical world is too hostile, so you've helped create a supernatural alternative that grants eternal life, divine justice and unconditional love.

I don't disagree that the physical world is hostile. It has to be in order for the fittest to survive. It has to be this way so that right choices are the ones that prevail and wrong choices don't.

Evolution IS life.

Keep in mind that so long as there's finite awareness, there'll be conflict. If we can't properly understand each other then we will mistakenly harm each other and even mistake each other as enemies. And so long as there're finite resources, we will be forced to distribute them according to the works of each person in a competitive or communist system. And since each person is different and so has different capabilities, not every person will attain the same amount of resources.

You are right, Bodhi. There's no point going through life looking for people who are just like you. That's kind of like deciding that you like pizza and that's all you're ever going to eat. Bad policy on so many levels! Not least of which is that you miss out on all the other glorious foods the world has to offer. Goes the same for colors and music and holiday locations and clothes and ... people.

We're all here to show each other aspects of ourselves. When you only seek reiteration of yourself in everything, you will never grow. You need to see other things and examine them before you reject them, because when you reject them, you don't understand them. Once you understand a thing, it's easier to accept it for what it is. And that is where compassion enters one's life. You just have to grow into it. It won't happen unless you jump out of your comfort zone.

When you do, you find that really, at the end of the day, we're all the same inside. We just want a safe and happy life for ourselves and our loved ones. Is there anything more fulfilling than that?

Originally posted by jiggerj

Originally posted by rickymouse
reply to post by jiggerj

 

There are a lot of people who judge others for being overweight. That has been going on since I was a kid. Judging is sometimes an insecurity problem. Make others appear bad so you look better.

And, that's wrong. These people are shallow. How do voters select a candidate? They have to judge which one would be better, or which one would be worse than the other. We judge all the time. We have to.

What you are speaking about is not really judging. When you appraise something someone does and make a logical decision pertinent to the events leading to the evaluation and take appropriate action it is using common sense. Judging that is bad is when you use evidence that is not pertinent to the situation to make assumptions about the person.

The example I gave is getting people to blame overweight people for rising insurance costs. There is healthy fat and unhealthy fat. People who are fat shouldn't eat broccoli or cauliflower unless they are well cooked because they lower metabolism. People who are heavy shouldn't have fluoridated water because it lowers metabolism at the thyroid level. People who are fat shouldn't eat too many vegetables treated with copper sulfate without boiling them because excess copper causes hypothyroidism and depression. If they do they need to eat fermented products to cause Tyromines to build up so the copper will be used up breaking them down. There also must be a balance of minerals for this to work. Copper avoidance is not good, copper deficiencies make breathing hard. What I am saying is that people with high metabolisms who eat these things to settle themselves and stay healthy don't understand that half the people with slow metabolisms can't use their system. They are making judgements based on their own metabolism, judgements that are wrong. I can't tell what kind of a metabolism a person has, I can only try to inform them of things.

Judgements made without adequate knowledge and considering all the circumstances are not good. Judgements based on evidence we have perceived correctly with much thinking are good. I vote for president knowing that both candidates are probably flawed. What person in their right mind would ever want to run for president

Originally posted by jonnywhite
reply to post by Bodhi911

 

I know I shouldn't be aggressive and critical if I plan to make friends here.

But this is mumbo jumbo.

People are different because they're different, not because of soul ages.

I think the primary reason is ... this is the way evolution works. This is how life formed. Diversity is like a melting pot of chemicals and it supports the spreading of evolution across the universe.

I think the reason you choose to believe in soul ages is because of fear of death. And fear of injustice. And fear of loss and abandonment. You, like many others, seek divine refuge from the physical world. You've come to believe that the physical world is too hostile, so you've helped create a supernatural alternative that grants eternal life, divine justice and unconditional love.

I don't disagree that the physical world is hostile. It has to be in order for the fittest to survive. It has to be this way so that right choices are the ones that prevail and wrong choices don't.

Evolution IS life.

edit on 18-9-2012 by jonnywhite because: (no reason given)

Dont worry about insulting me... this entire thread is about learning to appriciate everybody. I smiled when reading your post and I liked it. Honesty is awesome.

Your point of view is the scientific materialistic one and I know what they say. But once you have your own experiences with out of body stuff, and listen to other people without thinking there are millions of people lying for attention, you know its real. There is no doubt about it.

Im not afraid of death. Actually it sounds pretty cool. No more worrying! But I know thats not the way it works. Cant prove it to you and I dont even want to. If you at some point want to check it out, there is much information. If not, thats cool.

Originally posted by CosmicEgg
You are right, Bodhi. There's no point going through life looking for people who are just like you. That's kind of like deciding that you like pizza and that's all you're ever going to eat. Bad policy on so many levels! Not least of which is that you miss out on all the other glorious foods the world has to offer. Goes the same for colors and music and holiday locations and clothes and ... people.

We're all here to show each other aspects of ourselves. When you only seek reiteration of yourself in everything, you will never grow. You need to see other things and examine them before you reject them, because when you reject them, you don't understand them. Once you understand a thing, it's easier to accept it for what it is. And that is where compassion enters one's life. You just have to grow into it. It won't happen unless you jump out of your comfort zone.

When you do, you find that really, at the end of the day, we're all the same inside. We just want a safe and happy life for ourselves and our loved ones. Is there anything more fulfilling than that?

You said what I wanted to say in a much better way. Good, Im out of here... :-) Just kidding.

Its the same with avoiding fearful things. You can grow alot from facing your fears, and the best thing is that the benefits last your entire life.

I do have some fears I simply cant seem to get away from though, no matter how much I try. But I dont stop trying.

Originally posted by trysts
Well you're quite the idealist, Bodhi911, which is hardly wrong. I'm very much the idealist when it comes to wars and violence, but you do take it quite a bit further than I could ever want to imagine. Can we all get along? Of course! Do I want to include everyone in my small circle of friends? No. I enjoy my small circle of friends, and I just don't have the energy, nor the trust in including everyone I meet into my tiny world

I enjoy a small circle of friends too. Actually I like being alone a lot in my spare time, which sounds like a paradox considering what Im speaking about here.

We could all get along and even like eachother. It doesnt mean we are close friends with everybody. Im certainly not. I just like almost everybody. Still I have very few close friends. Thats the way I like it too.

reply to post by Bodhi911


Thank you for bringing these videos into my life!

Originally posted by Taupin Desciple

Originally posted by jiggerj
We judge all the time. We have to.

No we don't

We choose to.

I read his response and was about to reply the exact same thing.

Its a choice.

Perhaps you might have some advice for me. My partner is having a hard time getting along with his sister. Basically, she and him are like oil and water. My partner believes that people should be respectful of others, considerate, and responsible for their actions and mindful of how their actions affect other people. His sister can be nice, but my partner sees it as apparent that she only does nice things as a way to get things out of someone else later, and then holds it against them. She has also said many not so nice things to his family, and has made his mother cry a lot by saying hurtful things. And often his family would turn to him complaining about the things she would say that are either hurtful, or angry, or judgmental.

About a year ago, me and my partner read a book, about how to change the person you love. But it required a great deal of work, basically an intervention to get the loved one to see the effect they have on their family, and a push to get them to get the help they need, like counseling, etc. Well, it didn't turn out too well, because he and I tried to get his family to meet together and talk about what is making everyone miserable, and she refused to come. And then my partner's family decided to give up on her, and just fell on the notion that she can't change. My rationale is that if you really loved someone, you would want to find a way to help them or support them to change their life for the better. But now I suppose they think it's not worth the effort.

Anyway, it's been a year since that, and nothing has changed. His family are still complaining about his sister, and she still often does things that upset other people. Once, he tried to calmly talk with her about it, but then she gets angry and says not so nice things, which gets him to get angry, and then they fight. Another time he tried to talk to her about it, she fell on the belief that "Those things are in the past. It shouldn't matter anymore. And people should learn to let go of things." I think my partner has learned to let go, but he still wants her to act maturely and take responsibility for her actions, to stop making other people unhappy. So then he's constantly unhappy because she won't change, except now whenever she does something wrong, it's suddenly okay because it's in the past.

I suppose where things are leading to is him to realize that she isn't going to change for the better, at least anytime soon, and to just accept that she is like this and try to not let the things she say bother or upset him. And if she does anything negative to other people, to just be like, oh well, that's how she is. It's the exact opposite of last year, where it was all about helping her and getting her to change.

I suppose that's the answer then. If someone in the family is consistently making others unhappy and oftentimes extremely miserable, then one should just learn to live with it and move on. Is that the right answer?

Originally posted by Xaberz
I suppose that's the answer then. If someone in the family is consistently making others unhappy and oftentimes extremely miserable, then one should just learn to live with it and move on. Is that the right answer?

Hey.

I had a similar situation in my life with my family when I was growing up. My real parents divorced when I was 7 and my mother ended up with a rich guy who was the president for a medium size corporation. So I grew up in a big house surrounded by luxary items.

The problem was that this new guy was emotionally distant. He never talked about his or anyone elses emotions. He was also strict and unloving and punished me and my brother with physical violence when he felt we did something wrong. I remember being beaten frequently for minor stuff that kids do. I even remember one time when I got hit so hard I lost conciousness. The only emotion I recognized in this guy was anger and hate. Naturally I distanced myself from him as much as I could and we rarely talked. We were very different people to say the least.

My mother ended up drinking more alcohol and became one of those weekend alcoholics you hear about. Since my father was emotionally distant, she couldnt talk to him about feelings, and I think she felt very lonely, but I dont know for sure. She didnt talk about her emotions either except for when she drank alcohol.

I tried for many years during my teenage period and also afterwards to establish some kind of emotional connection with my parents, but it was very difficult since they never showed much emotions. Also since I was so different to them, they didnt understand me at all and I was seen as someone who would only bring everybody else down (by expressing what I felt was a big problem with this family - the drinking and the unhappiness). So to them, I became the problem by talking about the problem.

So after many years of trying, I gave up. It was not possible for me to change this family situation and connect with them on an emotional level because we were so different. About five years ago, I made it clear that I didnt want anything more to do with them, and I have not talked with them since that time.

But I felt really good. Like it was the best decision in my life. No longer did I have to have emotionally distant people in my life that made me feel really bad about who I was. My self esteem improved so much in only a couple of years, and I learned how to not let other people treat me in a bad way. This led to me getting new jobs that I really liked, and now I even have my own consultant company and lots of good friends, so Im at a place where I have both the money and the emotional connections I didnt have as a kid.

So for me, the right choice was to go my own way, because there are situations where you cant accept the behavior of others, and one of those situations is when they treat you very badly. You must have enough love for yourself to get out of situations like that so you can be the best person you can be for others.

So my advice is: No, dont live with it because then you are unhappy. You have to break the chains to this bad relationship in your life because its dragging you down, like an anchor. Its not selfish to make sure that you have loving people in your life - its a necessity to be happy.

Talk to the sister and explain how you feel, but you may be forced to disconnect from her for a while to show her that you need a change.

I hope things work out for you, weather you take my advice or not.

Interesting. That's really nice that you were able to disconnect from your parents without feeling any regret.

The thing is, I don't really have a gripe with his sister. I can stand to be around her and she doesn't drive me up the wall. But the thing is she doesn't treat me the same way as she treats her family, which is not so nice.

I suppose my partner should just cut ties with her then. What's unfortunate though is she has all her stuff in our attic, probably about 20 boxes worth of stuff and she refuses to take it because it's either too hot or too cold or she has her baby, etc, etc, etc. We were thinking of just giving her so much time and tell her we're putting it out to the garbage if she doesn't get it, but it all just doesn't seem very nice... She also has keys to the house, which she refuses to give back because her son lives downstairs and she thinks she needs them in case she ever needs to get in down there. Unfortunately it also allows her to come up to our place. So my partner is thinking of eventually changing the locks and telling his nephew to not give his mother a copy.

The only other thing is that my partner has expressed to his mother he doesn't want anything to do with his sister anymore, and it hurts his mother so much. She has said on a few occasions that she wants peace between him and his sister before she dies, and she keeps pressuring him to just forget about all the conflict between him and his sister. But my partner feels that falls entirely on her ability to grow up and change.

I suppose it's up to him in the end. I feel like he really does want to cut ties with her. What's unfortunate is that his sister spends her holidays with their mother. so if he were to cut his sister from his life, he would have to stop seeing his mother on holidays, which of course makes his mom really unhappy. It's really an unfortunate situation, and perhaps there is nothing one can do besides wait it out and see what happens. I just can't wait until the day he can learn to block her out of his emotions...It's harder though because he is an empath...

Originally posted by violet
You should have mentioned this theory is based on the belief in reincarnation.

The first video starts off saying how one sibling can go off the rails and get into drugs, even though the other siblings didn't adapt this drug lifestyle and were all raised in the same household.

Drug addicts caused by reincarnation?
That's the worst excuse I've ever heard.

There is nothing that proves reincarnation is real. It's just another silly idea concocted to go around excusing bad behaviour. Best to ask yourself who would want me to act bad and tell me that's ok cause I get to live again.

ok. prove otherwise...

awaiting your answer.

Now I understand why I can see many points of views so easily, I am an old soul.

There is nothing wrong with judging. Judging happens. It is a part of understanding reality and knowing one thing from another. This is important for survival on this planet so it is a natural function of the mind/brain.

Originally posted by arpgme
Now I understand why I can see many points of views so easily, I am an old soul.

There is nothing wrong with judging. Judging happens. It is a part of understanding reality and knowing one thing from another. This is important for survival on this planet so it is a natural function of the mind/brain.

I think the problem with judging is when people often judge, they set that judgement in their head and it often stays that way, preventing them from seeing the truth. For example, I can judge that a book is bad. Perhaps I feel it has the worst ending in the history of books, and the plot is pointless and asinine, and the characters are incredibly pathetic. In fact, it's so bad that whenever someone mentions that book, I can't help but shudder and get traumatic flashbacks of how awful it is. Say someone really loves that book, and they try to discuss with me the merits of this book. If I have an open mind I could listen to their opinion and learn something from them, but all too often people let their judgement cloud their perceptions, and so they refuse to listen or to understand because in their head there is nothing redeemable about that book so any argument for it is not applicable.

I guess in that case it is not that there is something inherently wrong with judging, it's how that person uses that judgement in the future. If they hold onto that judgement and refuse to let go, then they'll never learn and grow or come to a greater/more full understanding.