The Internet and Relationships

I thought this was an interesting perspective on the subject of relationships over the internet. I have to say I agree for the most part. There are a few things missing but hey, basically it is all there.

Someone might say well this is great. Technology is supposed to make things quicker and easier. Well that may be good for some things: balancing a checkbook, printing documents or finding information in a hurry. Yet, when it comes to relationships, this is not good. Speed is not good for relationships. Fast forward is not good for relationships especially when you're trying to establish one.

It's tied to what I said a moment ago. The speed issue. Too much can happen too quick. I'll give you a good example. A person goes online to a chat room and they start meeting people. It can work several ways. If you're not approaching people, people are approaching you. They are not approaching you to wait on you at the liquor store or the McDonald's in a professional venue. Instead,

I thought this might be of importance to a lot of people for obvious reasons.
Below is a link to the entire story.

www.heavencanbefound.com...

reply to post by CherubBaby


I really like and agree with the last sentence: "The bottom line is this: when you meet someone online, the only thing you can be sure of knowing about them is knowing nothing about them."

It is better to meet people in person and form a relationship with them; if a person so chooses to.

I think that the internet is (unfortunately) a tool used by crafty criminals; and many are too gullible and believe them.

I think there have been some very successful relationships that have been started via the internet, but one must be wary, just as in real life.

Someone you meet casually in real life can also be full of lies, so unless you have a way to check up on what they tell you, or know others that can vouch for the person, its a crap shoot either way.

You can meet someone in real life, and go years without ever really knowing the truth about their past, or what sort of 'secret" life they lead away from you.

The internet is much easier for person who wishes to deceive , because of the lack of eye contact when communicating . Most real communication comes from non verbal cues, such as body language and facial expressions.

I would venture to say its good to take it slow, in real life, as well as on the net , and when meeting someone for the first time, its always good to let someone know what you are planning, or bring along a trusted friend who can hang back in the shadows to make sure you are ok.

The feeling of love can make you blind to the red flags, or just be willing to ignore them. Red flags are a warning to step back and re access , and should never be ignored, on the net or in real life.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Excellent perspective...and I believe you are right. We all need to be very careful no matter how we meet people.

I like the idea of bringing a friend along.

Originally posted by caladonea
reply to post by CherubBaby

 

I really like and agree with the last sentence: "The bottom line is this: when you meet someone online, the only thing you can be sure of knowing about them is knowing nothing about them."

It is better to meet people in person and form a relationship with them; if a person so chooses to.

I think that the internet is (unfortunately) a tool used by crafty criminals; and many are too gullible and believe them.

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Thanks for your reply. I like that last line too. I was reading recently where clinical "Shrinks" were saying the net is as habit forming as and form of drug. That coupled with the reality people are broke and or depressed makes for a lot of issues for a quick fix. Loneliness is hard to handle..

The only true sucsessful relationships I can think of, Our Grandparents.
I have been to many 50 year anniversary parties back when, nowadays not so much.
For many it takes 2 or 3 tries to find the right fit, not the Grandparents.
Think about it.
Grandfolks didn't have computers back when either.
I met my wife through mutual friends, couldn't stand that (badword ATS T&C and all that) the first time I met her, nor the second or third.
Now I can't imagine life without that ...
Funny how things work ehh?

reply to post by CherubBaby

That coupled with the reality people are broke and or depressed makes for a lot od issues for a quick fix. Loneliness is hard to handle..

Loneliness is hard to handle for some, for others solitude is sublime..

People who are broke or depressed can be looking for a quick fix in real life much the same way as some do on the net.

I can't understand how someone who is broke and depressed would be looking for a quick fix relationship of any kind. I would think many who are in that position tend to shy away from getting to know others in an intimate way online or off.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


I don't agree fully or disagree fully with you on the comment below.

Loneliness is hard to handle for some, for others solitude is sublime..

Unless I am not understanding your point, would you not agree there is a difference in loneliness vs solitude?

As far as being broke and or depressed I agree with you at face value in your statement below.

People who are broke or depressed can be looking for a quick fix in real life much the same way as some do on the net.

But my point was and still is that it's a lot easier to turn on the PC and hit a chat site than it is to get in a car, on a bus or call a taxi to go to the nearest social gathering ( Bar, Dance, Disneyland etc ) if your tight on money or just don't look and or feel your best.

Lastly,

I can't understand how someone who is broke and depressed would be looking for a quick fix relationship of any kind. I would think many who are in that position tend to shy away from getting to know others in an intimate way online or off.

Not everyone plans on intimacy when they start chatting. Over 80% of the time it happens. My point in the "quick Fix" remark wasn't stating relationships exclusively. I can tell you from experience when I lost a wife and daughter to a drunk driver, I needed distraction at times. I was introduced to the net by my own hand and it was a blessing at the time because I didn't have to deal with all the peripherals that can come with meeting and conversing with new acquaintances.

reply to post by CherubBaby


I understand and agree with all the points you made.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Relationships and the subject is a whirlpool of particulars with no real guarantees. I do understand your points and I agree with you. It can just get complicated at times. Thanks for your insight and words ..

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by CherubBaby

 

That coupled with the reality people are broke and or depressed makes for a lot od issues for a quick fix. Loneliness is hard to handle..

I can't understand how someone who is broke and depressed would be looking for a quick fix relationship of any kind. I would think many who are in that position tend to shy away from getting to know others in an intimate way online or off.

edit on 19-8-2012 by WhisperingWinds because: (no reason given)

For some people that quick fix is like a band aid. They're not curing the problem, they're just making the pain go away for a short period of time. Men especially do this because we typically don't have the patience that you women do.

Men are different also in that getting to know someone on an intimate level is not "letting someone in" the way that women do. Women tend to take it more personally, while with men, in the case we're talking about here, see it as just a physical release. It's not really a big thing for most of us. ( No pun intended)

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


You hit on the head. I don't take pride in admitting it but your right about the band aid issue too.

CherubBaby
The anonymity of Internet dating has afforded con artists a new playground for scams, and has allowed people to be anyone they think you want them to be because they are engaging you primarily through the written word...

I would not do any on line dating unless i could meet this person face to face..

If you are planning to meet someone face to face, always meet in a public place with a lot of people around, and never give the person you are meeting your address or phone number until you are absolutely certain that this person is on the up-and-up. Conduct a background check by a private investigator before you agree to spend time alone with anyone ..There is plenty of places you can pay on the net to find out about this person your thinking of meeting..

Id rather just find someone in my area through church or other means either way i guess its a crap shoot..Ive talked to alot of people on the net and have made allot of wonderful friends but no one id want to date..peace,sugarcookie1

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds

The internet is much easier for person who wishes to deceive , because of the lack of eye contact when communicating . Most real communication comes from non verbal cues, such as body language and facial expressions.

Agreed. 100%. That kind of clarity is certainly needed when meeting someone.

I would venture to say its good to take it slow, in real life, as well as on the net , and when meeting someone for the first time, its always good to let someone know what you are planning, or bring along a trusted friend who can hang back in the shadows to make sure you are ok.

This is true for both parties. To put it bluntly for you, men can hurt women physically and women can level accusations against a man that are unwarranted. Not just when it comes to physical things either. Accusations that can hurt in more ways than one, have long lasting effects and make them gun shy in doing anything with women other than getting a "quick fix" every once in a while.. In this day and age a woman is still going to be believed over a man when it comes to things like this so it's good for the man as well to have some "back up" just in case things go south. Another set of ears to verify what's going down.

The feeling of love can make you blind to the red flags, or just be willing to ignore them. Red flags are a warning to step back and re access , and should never be ignored, on the net or in real life.

Again, another gender-less truth. And one that only experience can give you.

youtu.be...

I ran what you typed thorough Copyscape and, you really do seem to have it together.

Anyway, the internet can help with relationships, but it can't do it all for you.

reply to post by Taupin Desciple

This is true for both parties. To put it bluntly for you, men can hurt women physically and women can level accusations against a man that are unwarranted. Not just when it comes to physical things either. Accusations that can hurt in more ways than one, have long lasting effects and make them gun shy in doing anything with women other than getting a "quick fix" every once in a while.. In this day and age a woman is still going to be believed over a man when it comes to things like this so it's good for the man as well to have some "back up" just in case things go south. Another set of ears to verify what's going down.

False accusations are wrong , from whatever gender they come from, but in some cases what some might consider false accusations are indeed the truth.

Many things are said over on online relationship, that another set of ears does not have the privilege of hearing or reading.

I fell hard for someone online that was a master manipulator, as well as a very deviant liar. Took me awhile to see through it, though the red flags were there from the beginning, and I chose to have compassion for the dude thinking he was broken in some way, and it could be fixed.

He continues to lie , about us, and the real reasons our relationship was a big fail..and there are many who continue to believe his lies.

Yep, I was a big fool, and have learned some valuable lessons through it, as I'm sure many others have as well.

My condolences to the next women sucked into the web of lies, exaggerations, and manipulations.

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds


False accusations are wrong , from whatever gender they come from, but in some cases what some might consider false accusations are indeed the truth.

Many things are said over on online relationship, that another set of ears does not have the privilege of hearing or reading.

I fell hard for someone online that was a master manipulator, as well as a very deviant liar. Took me awhile to see through it, though the red flags were there from the beginning, and I chose to have compassion for the dude thinking he was broken in some way, and it could be fixed.

He continues to lie , about us, and the real reasons our relationship was a big fail..and there are many who continue to believe his lies.

Yep, I was a big fool, and have learned some valuable lessons through it, as I'm sure many others have as well.

My condolences to the next women sucked into the web of lies, exaggerations, and manipulations.

edit on 19-8-2012 by WhisperingWinds because: (no reason given)

You and I are both are the same point then. Different reasons of course, you're a woman and I'm a man, but online relationships can't be trusted unless it's backed up with meeting with the person face to face. Even if it is just in passing from time to time, you can still pick up on the cues you mentioned. It can help verify whats been said online. ( Kinda the opposite of that Govt. thing where they confirm peoples' identity through "e-verify")

This is why the OP started this conversation I think. He or she isn't at the point that we and others like us are at. I'm sorry you had a bad run with the guy, but you just made something good out of it, if you hand'n't already, by letting people know of your experience. If it keeps one person from getting burned like you did, then your posts took something good out of something that was bad.

I think the trick is knowing when to put the keyboard down and pick the person up for a date. Don't let the online conversations get to the point where you should be talking about certain things in person. The kinds of things that people can lie easily about while still online. I think the internet is very useful in that regard because it can be used to let people know the basics about each other, so when you finally do meet in person, things aren't as awkward, you know? If anything, people should use the internet like a diving board. It should be used to help get you into the pool a little easier and with a bit more class ( if you're a good diver), but once you're there you have to swim on your own.

I hope that makes sense.

Here's a fun little song for ya WW. Not all of us are bad.

youtu.be...

reply to post by CherubBaby

To tell the truth I never took the whole internet all that serious, and I really do try follow the rules of the internet more often then not. I don't always succeed but I try. Especially rule 20, "don't take the internet that serious" And as there are a bunch of different versions of it around the net...

Here this version of it is as good as any other Link There are other versions of the rules of the internet off-course, some get really far out there and freaking hella long like way over 200 rules, and I have found that if goes over 30 or so then its to much. And quite frankly I ain't reading all that sh#t.

In fact that should be a rule, rule number 33, if its to long don't read it. No exceptions.

So anyways, ya! never trust the internet. And the people on the internet as well, I suppose, but mostly the internet as I think it may have a mind of its own to some degree and you just never know what it would do. As for the people, well there pretty obvious most times, but you just never know. And hell no you should never trust some stranger you meet online. I mean who knows what kind of crazy people may lurk online doing all kinds of crazy stuff, trolls being the least of them, in fact for all you know even I could be some sort of crazy person to...But I am not....K.

And the whole internet relationship thing, well again I do not take anything serious, and in fact if it gets to close for comfort I separate myself from the whole thing as a force of habit. And I really only consider the people I know online as internet friends, and I keep that in a separate box then the friends in real life.

But in all yes I do believe people can meet online and form relationships other then internet friends, but only if eventually they get together and all that junk, but that is a whole nother story. In the end I think that you would have the same chance as you would have under any other venue or place, be it a dating site, a park, a social gathering, the store, your local church, or even if your set up with somebody by friends, in all I think you would in all probability have as much a chance at anything working as any other way. In fact the only thing I can think of were you may have an advantage and were the internet may offer a sort of benefit is in the whole anonymity part.

People say that you just never know who anybody is online, but even for that. And just like there is a negative for every positive so to is there a positive to that negative. Because people can be anyone online you just never really know. But if you meet people online and if you hang around long enough and get to know them you will see that most people are more "lose" online and closer to how they really are then they would be if it was a face to face thing. Because in a face to face thing everyone puts up an impression, an act, in fact that what the whole dating scene is about really in fact most of it is pretty much like one giant act. And isn't that what everybody is going on about? making that good first impression. And if you have to make a good impression that just means you have to try and be somebody you are really not.

In a way if you have to put up a face or act a certain way, that means that you are not really who you are, your just pretending in a way. And in time that act will fall off, which I suppose is one thing that people always whine about that there significant others. Which is that now that they have known them for some time they are a totally different person then when they first meet.

In some respects that's like a total duh, off-course there different, what else would they be when you first meet them they were trying to be something that they are not, or more then they are giving you impressions. But anyways! WTF was I saying.....Anyways. I have come to see that most if not all of it is like that. And in some respects the whole relationship thing there will always be a sort of act, in fact I have come to believe that its necessary in some ways.

Anyways what I am saying is, you can look at things in any number of ways and the way you look at them will and does effect the thing in question, but things can and will go either way no matter if its online or anywhere else. And that's why we have the rules of the internet, of which the only concrete rule I have found is that on the internet, one lol cat picture just leads to another lol cat picture.

As this guy once said.

“One cat just leads to another.” Ernest Hemingway

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


I didn't even know there WERE rules to the internet. What are they and who enforces them? The internet police?

In all seriousness, the only rules I see online are the rules you make for yourself and follow. That, and the obvious international/common sense/unwritten one's. That's why the question the OP originally asked is very subjective and up to each individual. We all have our own standards and rules.

BTW, I followed rule #33 to the T and skimmed your post. It way WAY too long for my taste. Gotta follow the rules right?

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


Very wise words.

You are correct in saying that it is not all bad, and what I went through I went through for a reason , and I had some valuable lessons to learn and understand, about myself as well as others.

You are also very correct in saying that the internet can be a good thing as in like a diving board, but things should never get too serious before you actually meet and talk to someone face to face on more than a few occasions. It is a meeting point, and with wisdom, as well as integrity, it can be a great catapult for great friendships, as well as more meaningful romantic relationships.

Its a tool, that can be used with wisdom , and it is also a tool that can be manipulated by those who lack integrity , and wish to manipulate others through various means, and for varying reasons.

There are great people that can be met through the internet , and I will never loose hope in the inner goodness of humanity , even in the ones who may have hurt me.

That was a lovely song by the way, and a very kind post, which I appreciated very much.

a song for you..

www.youtube.com...

reply to post by Taupin Desciple

I didn't even know there WERE rules to the internet. What are they and who enforces them? The internet police?

What! were have you been living in some cave or something.

Offcourse there are rules to the internet, they were created by some really smart ass people way back when the conceptual 0 was the binary expression of 1. Some even wanted to add a 2, but that was a crazy idea, and way to much for anybody's mind to grasp, way far out there. It would literally melt your computer and brain if a 2 was introduced. Its a crazy idea.

And the rules don't need to be enforced they enforce themselves, because there are consequences if you do not follow them, and that's why there there in the first place... Like Duh.

BTW, I followed rule #33 to the T and skimmed your post. It way WAY too long for my taste. Gotta follow the rules right?

Yes but you forgot rule, #259 which plainly states do not follow rule 33, and always read further.

WTF! happened to my link, it leads to some funnyjunk website now? Oh well, who cares.

Should check my links from now on...In fact that should be a rule. Rule # 10733 Always double check you links before posting....Got to write that # down somewhere before I forget.