I broke down about 2 months ago.

Well, as the title states, about 2 months ago I broke down. Suffering from pain in my neck, shoulders, kidneys and legs. I shake all over, I feel exhausted, no motivation, desire to do or have anything, no appetite, and after a plethora of blood tests, swabs and samples no cause has been found. Along with my physical health came a complete unraveling of my mind. I've been through a lot in my short years but I am in no way bragging and am incredibly thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me on this earth.

I've been prescribed medication to deal with the crippling anxiety that has now become a part of my everyday life. I get so worked up over absolutely nothing, and become overwhelmed with terror. My chest hurts, I feel nauseous and I just feel paralyzed. I can logically try to think my way out of it, but emotionally I'm overwhelmed and I can't do anything.

I've gone on in a few threads about my current health as well as elaborated on a few of the incidents in my past.

How ever this thread is not about my break down. No this is about what I've decided to do about it. I woke up today feeling as I usually do, trapped in this withering body, trapped in a world that doesn't care that were on a collision course with our maker. Something just snapped. I went out in the yard with my dog. Laid in the grass, stared at the sky for about an hour. Just absorbing the sun, listening to the birds and feeling the ground, then it clicked. If I am dissatisfied with the world around me there is really nothing I can do, but if I am dissatisfied with myself I have the power to change that. I sat up, and began to stretch thinking, if I can't be rich or have an awesome job the least I can do is be the strongest, healthiest me I can be. After a good 15 mins of that and a little pumping up, I decided to dust off the treadmill and it that for 25 mins. Went and got some water, had a shower, ate some left over chicken and rice. Then it was a burning urge inside me. I went back on the treadmill and this time I pushed it to an hour and half. I am absolutely spent but I have never felt better than I do right now.

I'm beyond relaxed and as the endorphine rush is just leaving me now, I have not felt more at peace and satisfied with myself in a very long time. I've spent many a times talking about rugby to friends and family, telling stories and listening to stories of those who witnessed my games and having been there couldn't understand running until I puked, or throwing my 160lb frame at someone twice my size, but I get it. I forgot, but I get it now.

There is something about being in touch with our physical beings that so many of us seem to forget, or feel is unnecessary, and this couldn't be further from the truth. I've always loved meditation, and it's opened many doors, to wonderful thoughts and feelings but nothing is quite as good as feeling your body feel as if it can go no further and then overcoming that feeling and proceeding forward, 1, 2, 20 steps, a mile more.

In the face of an illness yet diagnosed, that has taken everything from me it feels really good to get on the old treadmill and just push it. Push it until it hurts and then further. If I can ask any of you anything it's this, get in touch with yourself. Push it, conquer life. Prove how strong you really are, and if you find out you are not as strong as you would like, only you can change that.

Confident, hopeful, and Exhausted,

Ilyich.

Wonderful post and message! S&F!

The hardest part of depression is overcoming that horrible sense of inertia. Congratulations on taking that crucial first step!

I'm so excited for you....please update this thread as you can so that we can celebrate your triumphs and motivate you if you need it. Just think how many people may be inspired by your words and actions!

reply to post by Ilyich


I had a very similar experience...its kind of like being reborn again right?

Or like snapping out of a trance?

Kind of sounds like a depression/anxiety thing, or even coming back from a nervous breakdown. You did the right thing though. Get active. Get out there. Do stuff. Building your motivation is the best form of recovery.

It seems you've jump started your adrenals.

I can imagine more than one reason they start backing off...

Maybe shoot for a hair test. If you do and copper is high, u2u me.

S&F from me as well. It sounds like you decided to pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Awesome job and nobody but you can do it.

I am not sure I have ever mentioned it here, but I have bipolar disorder. For years I felt just like you did. The meds helped me resist driving off a cliff but that's about it. I got tired of it one day. Just sick and tired of everything sucking all of the time. Everything. I had an epiphany of sorts like you did.

I have been without meds for a few years. Sometimes I still struggle, but nowhere near like I did. I don't recommend no meds for those with severe bipolar issues or even for folks who have it like I do. It is a personal decision and doesn't work for everyone.

One thing I have learned in my years here... You are responsible for your own happiness. Not your spouse, not your parents, not your children, only you. When we figure that out, the battle is won IMO.

I hope you continue on this path! It sounds like an excellent one to be on.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Thank you for sharing that.
It really means a lot to me.
I hope that one day you will no longer need meds...u deserve it

Originally posted by ElOmen
reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

 

Thank you for sharing that.
It really means a lot to me.
I hope that one day you will no longer need meds...u deserve it

Thanks. I know it is an issue that most don't want to talk about because of the stereotypes that come with it. In my post I did mention I have not been on meds in a few years. It is indeed something I am very thankful for. Every day.

Beautiful post!

Probably one of the best posts Ive ever read on ats!

Truly inspiring thread! Thanks so much for sharing, op!

I have suffered from agoraphobia, and panic disorder since the age of 18, now in my mid 30's. One of my last real battles was in the summer of 2000. I spent close to 6 months completely home bound, almost completely bed ridden. I finally was so sick and tired of the terror of dying. I remember literally forcing myself step by step to go 15 foot out into the backyard on a beautiful summer day and sitting in the sunlight with my dog. For the next several days I went out everyday and started doing little bits of yard work. I would go inside at night exhausted, dirty, sweaty, and yet, I felt like a brand new energized human!

Still have some battles here and there, but I have never been as bad off since that summer and the victory that came right in the midst of one of my greatest trials.

This is one of my favorite threads in a long time! Cheers

reply to post by Ilyich


I am still kind of new here at ATS but it does appear that there is a tight net community here. This is the first time I have read any post of yours. It sounds like you have been though a lot. I have had my struggles as well but I am not vetted enough in this community to start sharing such experiences. Yet, I am very happy to read your post.

I can tell you that inner strength is the key. You have to want to live and fight for the life you have. It sounds like you are indeed a fighter; which is a good sign. Keep fighting and never ever give up!

i would never choose an avatar as yours when i would have had a bad physical condition.....
has strong suggestive powers

Originally posted by kauskau
i would never choose an avatar as yours when i would have had a bad physical condition.....

has strong suggestive powers

edit on 8-8-2012 by kauskau because: (no reason given)

Kinda does, doesn't it? I'ma come back an eachoo when I succumb to my symptoms

Originally posted by ElOmen
reply to post by Ilyich

 

I had a very similar experience...its kind of like being reborn again right?

Or like snapping out of a trance?

Oh I woke up a year and a half ago, perhaps too much wishing I could change the world around me is what has landed me in the boat I'm in. *Puts on tinfoil hat* Could also be all the anti-war, and exposing the higher ups I do on facebook too. *takes off hat.*

Originally posted by smyleegrl
Wonderful post and message! S&F!

The hardest part of depression is overcoming that horrible sense of inertia. Congratulations on taking that crucial first step!

I'm so excited for you....please update this thread as you can so that we can celebrate your triumphs and motivate you if you need it. Just think how many people may be inspired by your words and actions!

Thank you very much for the warm words. I wasn't sure how this thread would go over, but if you're going to cry out do it with your heart.

Feeling pretty sick today, only went a mile on the treadmill but it was something.

Originally posted by XeroOne
Kind of sounds like a depression/anxiety thing, or even coming back from a nervous breakdown. You did the right thing though. Get active. Get out there. Do stuff. Building your motivation is the best form of recovery.

Yes we are exploring that venue, after not finding any physical reason for the symptoms I completely shattered mentally so we are exploring medication and therapy before investigating the symptoms further. Unless of course they get worse in which case I'm to go to the hospital, which will likely be more fluids and tests like the last time.

Thanks again for the support and warm thoughts!

Originally posted by unityemissions
It seems you've jump started your adrenals.

I can imagine more than one reason they start backing off...

Maybe shoot for a hair test. If you do and copper is high, u2u me.

edit on 7-8-2012 by unityemissions because: (no reason given)

Please explain more, we have not done a hair test. What is it? What does it look for?

Originally posted by Kangaruex4Ewe
S&F from me as well. It sounds like you decided to pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Awesome job and nobody but you can do it.

I am not sure I have ever mentioned it here, but I have bipolar disorder. For years I felt just like you did. The meds helped me resist driving off a cliff but that's about it. I got tired of it one day. Just sick and tired of everything sucking all of the time. Everything. I had an epiphany of sorts like you did.

I have been without meds for a few years. Sometimes I still struggle, but nowhere near like I did. I don't recommend no meds for those with severe bipolar issues or even for folks who have it like I do. It is a personal decision and doesn't work for everyone.

One thing I have learned in my years here... You are responsible for your own happiness. Not your spouse, not your parents, not your children, only you. When we figure that out, the battle is won IMO.

I hope you continue on this path! It sounds like an excellent one to be on.

Dying is painless, it's living that hurts.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and I'm happy you have a good handle on it these days. We are exploring the possibility my symptoms are related to mental issues, I didn't know Buried emotional issues can manifest as physical symptoms, but I suppose I need some help if it turns out to be the case. Have an appointment for mental health, and all tests regarding my physical symptoms have been put on hold until we explore that possibility. Unless of course, I get worse in which case back to the hospital.

thanks again for the support! Extremely appreciated.

Originally posted by Snoopy1978
Beautiful post!

Probably one of the best posts Ive ever read on ats!

Thank you! I dunno, there's a lot of really great work on ATS you just have to know where to look.

Originally posted by Startruth144
Truly inspiring thread! Thanks so much for sharing, op!

I have suffered from agoraphobia, and panic disorder since the age of 18, now in my mid 30's. One of my last real battles was in the summer of 2000. I spent close to 6 months completely home bound, almost completely bed ridden. I finally was so sick and tired of the terror of dying. I remember literally forcing myself step by step to go 15 foot out into the backyard on a beautiful summer day and sitting in the sunlight with my dog. For the next several days I went out everyday and started doing little bits of yard work. I would go inside at night exhausted, dirty, sweaty, and yet, I felt like a brand new energized human!

Still have some battles here and there, but I have never been as bad off since that summer and the victory that came right in the midst of one of my greatest trials.

This is one of my favorite threads in a long time! Cheers

It's amazing how much better our bodies feel if we are willing to put a little work in. We're amazing marvels of life, and so many of us take it for granted. It can be hard to listen to our bodies and know what it needs, and with a world filled with instant gratification it's so easy to get lost and make the wrong decisions. It how ever doesn't take long to do something active, even a walk around the block will do wonders if we keep to it.

I'm happy to hear your dog helped you as well. I've never felt like any other soul understands me better than my dog Brody. She's been there in the best of times, and she's been there for the worst. She's getting a little depressed because I haven't wanted to go for walks, or throw the ball, and a big part of the push was for her. I've been throwing her ball and walking her around the block as well. Little bits at a time, can't afford another collapse.

Thank you all so much for the warm words. I'm fighting my ass off, and I'm well aware if it doesn't hurt, you're going the wrong way.

I will strive on, and try to keep this thread up to date as I progress. Thank you all again.