Interracial Romance...

Let me start off by saying first and foremost I would like this thread to remain sophisticated and helpful. This is one of those "If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all" types of threads.

I will provide a little background here on me, this is not the point of this post, do not attack me for it. This is simply important to the story below. Commenting tactfully on the following is fine, just know that trolling will not be tolerated.

I was raised in the deep very racist South with an incredibly racist family. Worst of the worst. I am too ashamed to say how bad. I attended a "Private School" but here "Private" means "White". I didn't hang out with any people of other ethnicity's until I was 22 years old and moved out of my home town. This was all family induced, I never held any racism in my heart, I swore I never would.

So for some reason, I still avoid socializing with people not of my own race. I can only assume it's leftover conditioning by my family as I was raised to fear the other races, that they were dangerous and taboo. I absolutely loathe this. I try to socialize like others but I end up anxiety ridden, and I think it's out of shame. I held a job in another state where I only worked with black men in the kitchen of a respectable restaurant as a chef. I was the first female hire in this kitchen in history of the restaurant. Imagine my fear as a 100 lb white girl raised in this manner going in to this.

I suffered the usual hazing of any new kitchen employee. I was assigned the worst tasks, and held to the highest expectations due to my gender. I worked harder than I ever had in my life and was eventually accepted and voted the chef of the month by the other kitchen staff for four months in a row. This was my very first experience with another race, and they ended up being like brothers. They always had my back, I always had theirs. I grew a bit more comfortable but my family eventually badgered me so hard for "the company" I was keeping at my job that I eventually turned in my two weeks notice.

Fast forwarding to now, I have not been "out" to clubs in about a year. My best friend talked me into going. I live back in my hometown now. I am notorious for not speaking to or offending any guy who approaches me because I don't want to meet a man in a bar. My friend's boyfriend automatically took it upon himself to be my wingman and sent a plethora of horrible guys my way. It was getting towards daylight and I was so sick of the scene I was about to leave. I turn and notice a handsome black man standing next to me and immidiately I think out of conditioning "My family would kill me, I can't talk to him". Well, I talked to him.

Within minutes we found so much in common with each other it was absolutely ridiculous. The chemistry was obvious. This might sound bad but it's true, I did not see his skin tone anymore. I was wrapped up in his personality so much that I forgot all of my anxiety and ended up having an incredible time with an awesome guy. We hung out for a couple of days with my best friend and her boyfriend and have been talking since, and he wants to take me on a date.

So this is not serious at all yet. I am posting here in relationships because I can see it going somewhere. My friends who are some of the hardest friends to win over if you are trying to date me (they have hated all of my partners thus far) basically had a two hour intervention with me making me promise to give this guy a chance because they have never seen me so happy as I was talking to him that night. I usually hang tight to my girlfriend and never stray from her, and the fact I left her side to talk to a man for this long is huge regardless of race. This conversation did not consist of anything concerning his race at all, it never crossed our minds after that initial meeting.

Then the other shoe dropped. My mother, long departed from my father and his family who were the epicenter of racism in this town for more years than I care to count, seemed to have evolved into a normal person who tolerates all religions/sexes/sexuality/races/etc. When I came out to my mother as being bisexual her reaction turned quickly into acceptence, and the battle I fought to allowing myself to feel that way is very similar to this issue at hand.

I'm a woman who has not been involved sexually or emotionally in a very long time. Of course I rang her up to gush about this man who would be taking me on a date that was absolutely fantastic. I start describing him to her, she's excited, then I say "He's beautiful, very well built, nice, tall, dark, sma..." and she cuts me off. "Dark?" she chirped. "Yeah Mom he's black, anywa.." nope. I didn't get any further than that. I suffered the screaming lecture of a lifetime as an almost 27 year old woman from her own mother. I won't transcribe the things she said, but the use of the "n word" was more than I care to count.

After this, I ask her to run this by my Step-Father. My Step-Father was not raised marinated in this Southern cult, I know he has dated black women before and he is very open-minded. She refused to even repeat what I had said and just shoved the phone at him. "What?" he said. He and I have a great relationship and he has become my only father figure as my own father is no longer with us. I got the same disapproving lecture with the phone being tossed back to my mother. "If you want to stay in THIS family, you will stay away from 'his type' (for lack of being able to even think of saying what she actually said)". She threatened to pull my name off the will, disown me, and not speak to me again. I managed to mutter the words "ok mom I wont" and we hung up.

I called her today because I hate ending conversations with her on bad notes. "Mom are you mad at me?" "Not yet. That's up to you". Click. Despite the promise I made her that I wont... I want to start seeing him. We try to plan dates but I feel so torn. I was raised to respect my mother, she is my best friend, I tell her everything. None of my best friends would EVER THINK of doing this to me. It's like I don't even know her anymore. Yet, I still talk to him because I am drawn to discovering who he is which I havn't felt that in a very long time.

My friends say "Tell her to go stick it up her ..." but that's easier said than done. I don't know how to handle this. I especially don't know how to handle it in the part of the Country I live in. I don't know anything about interracial dating or interracial relationships other than it is frowned upon here worse than gay marriage which is pretty bad. My father literally threatened to CUT MY HEAD OFF in fourth grade if I ever went on a date with a black man. So here I am, planning a date with a black man...after a promise to my mother not to...and no idea how to handle it.

I ask sincerely for help, be it advice on overcoming the conditioning or just on handling interracial romance. Advice about controlling mothers...anything. I'm sure all of this might sound ridiculous to some of you, or make some of you angry, but this thread is not to be inflammatory at all. Out of the respect for ATS and the recent issues with racism I ask that your replies be tactful and to keep in mind the topic is a slippery slope. I also encourage U2U's simply because I don't want this thread to be shut-down.

All my love,
Val

I would really encourage you to get the situation with your 3 and a half year old under control first, before adding any more changes to your life.

If a white man stands in the desert for a hundred years will his skin still be white? A persons skin is just his skin it's what's on the inside is what matters.

Honestly it saddens me that this is still an issue...

its 2012, not 1950's.

Really its sad, Racism is so ridiculous it always stuns me when I encounter it, its a sign of ignorance and hate.

I Joke that my fathers "racist" because he dislikes everyone, but honestly he has some issues with Caucasians because of his experiences growing up in south central.

But we all make a choice at some point, are we going to be better people than my parents?

Chose to be better than them, and don't let their ignorance effect your life, you can be there for them, but on your terms.

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


Can you see yourself still at his side in 10 years?

Then what's stopping you? It's your life, no one else's. Why are you going to let something that you KNOW is wrong stop you from making a decision that could potentially bring you bliss for years to come?

You don't regret talking to him, meeting him, or becoming friends with him. So why would you even second guess?

Families eh

I starting dating my girlfriend some years ago much to the "horror" of her parents and believe me they made it obvious. Oh how they hated me and constantly harrassed and mentally tortured my girlfriend, trying to split us up at every possible opportunity.

We even had her dad patrolling around in his car trying to find us because.. we stayed out after 10pm!!

It came to the point where they gave her an ultimatum, it's your family or... HIM.

She chose me and they kicked her out.

After some years of dating we got married and they did come to the wedding but didn't speak to either of us (weird huh) and yes, I had friends on standby to *ahem* silence her dad if he spoke up about not allowing the wedding to happen (we were convinced he'd speak up).

Anyhow, after 10 years of marriage my now wife slowly started building up a speaking relationship with her parents again but they still never accepted me. They still continued to fill her with hate and lies about me to the point of actually accusing me of trying to murder her by "not giving her a lift home" and that if anything had happened to her it would've been murder on my part. (Yep, they were that disturbed)

After taking this hatred and all the lies about me for so long added to the poison they had fed her, the relationship ended, we're still friends and I still love her with all my heart and it kills me inside daily not to be with her.

The strange thing about this story is, now that we are divorced and she is dating other guys, they now see how good I was for her and are actively trying to get us back together.... go figure

Anyhow, I guess what I am trying to say is, your parents may threaten and put much emotional blackmail and stress on you BUT you must follow your heart. I know this is early days but I'd stick with it.
Lovers come and go but your parents will always be your parents, they'll always take you back in the end.

Anyhow, this relationship sounds great, please don't let it go.

I hope this helps a little.

Originally posted by AnonymousCitizen
I would really encourage you to get the situation with your 3 and a half year old under control first, before adding any more changes to your life.

While I appreciate the concern about my child, I do have a week on week off type schedule with him. I have been avoiding any more changes with a passion, trust me. I am very serious about keeping my time with my child separate from anything else in my life no matter what. My child has been and will always be my first priority, but I deserve some joy in my life as well. I make it clear to everyone in my life that when he is with me everyone else gets put on hold.

As I mentioned in my OP, I have not been out to do anything in a year. I was dragged out of bed that day by my best friend because it was getting ridiculous. She was right, I needed to go be social. I avoid social situations like the plague, as I stated in the reply to another thread on being alone. I relish in loneliness, but that has just started to change for me and actually depress me some.

I am an absolute mother bear when it comes to my son. I did not head out that evening seeking anything like this. It lightened my mood to meet a truly nice non-emotional vampire. You raise a great point, and I would like to assure you that my son and the potential for a little romance are entirely removed from one another and I would die before I let a romance effect my son.

Love,
Val

Originally posted by tothetenthpower

The following is my opinion as a member participating in this discussion.

*sigh*

Here's the problem.

You are more important than your family. Your happiness, your moral code of ethics and your wants/needs are far more important than some racist/bigotted individuals wants and needs for you.

I understand that you'd like to do right by your family, but have they even ever tried to do right by you?

If they truly cared about you, as opposed to caring solely about keeping their racist ideology alive, would they not want to at least attempt to give you the benefit of the doubt?

Or at the very least tell you they disagree but love you anyway, and respect the choices you've made as an independant adult?

You won't be happy trying to please everybody who has a different idea of how life should be and who should be allowed to live it. You have a right, the most important right I might add that you have, to be happy.

Follow your heart. Love knows not gender, nor skin color, nor anything else that could be used as a label against you and your fellow man.

Just one thing you have to do, make sure he's aware of all of this. It's going to be a hard road for both when family doesn't approve, unless you are willing to cut them out entirely and even then ( which is what I would do honestly) he deserves to know what is ahead.

~Tenth

As an ATS Staff Member, I will not moderate in threads such as this where I have participated as a member.

I appreciate all of this advice and agree with you. I know that it needs to be told, I just don't know when. I suppose I should get it out there right off the bat. I'm still wavering on going on the date or not...but maybe I will and just let him know all of these things up front full disclosure.

Thank you
Val

Originally posted by buster2010
If a white man stands in the desert for a hundred years will his skin still be white? A persons skin is just his skin it's what's on the inside is what matters.

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for that breath of fresh air.

Originally posted by benrl
Honestly it saddens me that this is still an issue...

its 2012, not 1950's.

Really its sad, Racism is so ridiculous it always stuns me when I encounter it, its a sign of ignorance and hate.

I Joke that my fathers "racist" because he dislikes everyone, but honestly he has some issues with Caucasians because of his experiences growing up in south central.

But we all make a choice at some point, are we going to be better people than my parents?

Chose to be better than them, and don't let their ignorance effect your life, you can be there for them, but on your terms.

It's ridiculous that it is still an issue. Small Southern towns are the worst, and my mother's conditioning is left over from her mother and on and on... it takes another generation to change that, your post actually just enlightened me to the fact that I could stop this chain of racism right now and that this is actually a fantastic opportunity to do some good.

Thank you so much luv.

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


I suggest you get to know each other first, hang out, go on a few days and broach the subject when it's appropriate.

But don't let ANYBODY , family included keep you from doing what you think makes you happy.

~Tenth

reply to post by ValentineWiggin

If you were my daughter I'd be over the moon if you told me you'd possibly found a new love -- or even a special friend who means something to you.

My own son fell in love with a young lady who is of a different race to ours. I couldn't care if she were green. The number one thing I want for my children is for them to be happy; he and she were happy together and that meant I was too.

They've had two beautiful kids and I feel incredibly blessed and I love them all to bits.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your own mother is more concerned about the skin color of someone who could possibly make you happy, then her priorities got badly messed up somewhere along the way. To be blunt, she's being selfish. If what (in her opinion) is right for you -- an adult woman who can make her own choices -- is based more upon what she feels is somehow right for her, then it is your mother who really needs to be asking questions of herself.

Ultimately you need to do what is going to be best for you in the long term. It's your life, after all, and opportunities for true happiness like this don't come along every day. And as you're a mature adult, if you were my daughter the last thing I'd want is to interfere in your own choices and perhaps leave you later with regrets and endless "what ifs".

Namaste,

Mike

I'm going to be as honest as possible.


1.) You're 27 years old asking permission to go on A date with a man from your mother and step-father.....? 2.) You don't know if this man will fall in love with or completely loathe you yet, you've talked for a semi-brief period of time in a public place. Yet, you're already feeling the need to spread the love of your "new interracial relatonship" to family...

Be real for a moment, think about it without getting your emotions all twisted up. You're only in the pre-dating stage, you're not even in a relationship and you're already driving yourself, seemingly, insane with anxiety about this subject.

You need to take a step back, tell this guy to hold on a moment, and think about all of this in depth... Absent of emotions. Because it is clear that his skin color isn't the only thing that is plaguing you with anxiety at this point.

Originally posted by AfterInfinity
reply to post by ValentineWiggin

 

Can you see yourself still at his side in 10 years?

Then what's stopping you? It's your life, no one else's. Why are you going to let something that you KNOW is wrong stop you from making a decision that could potentially bring you bliss for years to come?

You don't regret talking to him, meeting him, or becoming friends with him. So why would you even second guess?

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous. Family here is close, controlling, and vicious. Many girls grow up with a list of things they cannot do or else they will be absolutely disowned by the family. I can only say that my second guess comes from a fear of my own family, which isn't right and I have to conquer. You are absolutely right, I don't regret it. I am a very picky person when it comes to emotional involvement with someone, and it's because if I can't see something lasting I wont allow myself to go there. Great points here...I will consider them all. Thank you.

Val

Originally posted by Mister_Bit
Families eh

I starting dating my girlfriend some years ago much to the "horror" of her parents and believe me they made it obvious. Oh how they hated me and constantly harrassed and mentally tortured my girlfriend, trying to split us up at every possible opportunity.

We even had her dad patrolling around in his car trying to find us because.. we stayed out after 10pm!!

It came to the point where they gave her an ultimatum, it's your family or... HIM.

She chose me and they kicked her out.

After some years of dating we got married and they did come to the wedding but didn't speak to either of us (weird huh) and yes, I had friends on standby to *ahem* silence her dad if he spoke up about not allowing the wedding to happen (we were convinced he'd speak up).

Anyhow, after 10 years of marriage my now wife slowly started building up a speaking relationship with her parents again but they still never accepted me. They still continued to fill her with hate and lies about me to the point of actually accusing me of trying to murder her by "not giving her a lift home" and that if anything had happened to her it would've been murder on my part. (Yep, they were that disturbed)

After taking this hatred and all the lies about me for so long added to the poison they had fed her, the relationship ended, we're still friends and I still love her with all my heart and it kills me inside daily not to be with her.

The strange thing about this story is, now that we are divorced and she is dating other guys, they now see how good I was for her and are actively trying to get us back together.... go figure

Anyhow, I guess what I am trying to say is, your parents may threaten and put much emotional blackmail and stress on you BUT you must follow your heart. I know this is early days but I'd stick with it.
Lovers come and go but your parents will always be your parents, they'll always take you back in the end.

Anyhow, this relationship sounds great, please don't let it go.

I hope this helps a little.

It helps a lot actually, to hear of any relationship that was undesired by either family. I posted this to gather some responses that wouldn't make me feel so alone. This is exactly what I needed and I appreciate so much that you shared it with me.

Your story actually reminds me a lot of the man who was the love of my life. We had gender in common, but my family hated him so very much that we had to actually sneak around. It was like the Capulets and the Montagues, I swear. If I even mention his name in my mother's presence to this day she will go off on a tirade about him. His family felt much the same.

This eventually lead to our undoing. They swore he would amount to nothing. Well, he is incredibly successful now and married. Did this change her opinion? Absolutely not. Letting my family interfere with that is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life. When it come to TRUE love, he is the only person I ever had such an experience with and she torched it.

I hadn't even thought of tying these two experiences together for comparison. I suffered threats of being disowned and blackmailed even then. I gave in to her and let a beautiful thing go. Now I'm thinking that might be a lesson I was meant to learn for now. Thank you for jarring that memory for me, I can't believe I had not thought of that.


Love
Val

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by ValentineWiggin

 

I suggest you get to know each other first, hang out, go on a few days and broach the subject when it's appropriate.

But don't let ANYBODY , family included keep you from doing what you think makes you happy.

~Tenth

Ok, I will do exactly this. Thank you for the assertive suggestion, it's really what I need right now.

Originally posted by JustMike
reply to post by ValentineWiggin

 

If you were my daughter I'd be over the moon if you told me you'd possibly found a new love -- or even a special friend who means something to you.

My own son fell in love with a young lady who is of a different race to ours. I couldn't care if she were green. The number one thing I want for my children is for them to be happy; he and she were happy together and that meant I was too.

They've had two beautiful kids and I feel incredibly blessed and I love them all to bits.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your own mother is more concerned about the skin color of someone who could possibly make you happy, then her priorities got badly messed up somewhere along the way. To be blunt, she's being selfish. If what (in her opinion) is right for you -- an adult woman who can make her own choices -- is based more upon what she feels is somehow right for her, then it is your mother who really needs to be asking questions of herself.

Ultimately you need to do what is going to be best for you in the long term. It's your life, after all, and opportunities for true happiness like this don't come along every day. And as you're a mature adult, if you were my daughter the last thing I'd want is to interfere in your own choices and perhaps leave you later with regrets and endless "what ifs".

Namaste,

Mike

Maybe you could adopt me?

My mother admittedly has a lot of issues. Some of the worst decisions I have made in my life were at her suggestion come to think of it. You sound like such a wonderful mother, I've only experienced absolute criticism and disdain from her my entire life when it comes to the things that make me happy. I believe that you are right, she is projecting what would be good for her on to what would be good for me, and I had not thought of it that way at all.

There was a time when she was in school and living with my Great-Grandmother, the absolute queen of this side of the family. Her study group consisted of many races and after one study session at my Great-Grandmother's home, she got the same type of lashing that she just gave me. "Those People" were not allowed to be on her property.

My mother was so offended and shocked by this. She came to me actually with "Can you believe this?". I am tempted now to remind her of this incident tactfully soon. I think she may have forgotten what it feels like to experience racism on a personal level.

This post made me feel really good and supported, I appreciate your words and wisdom so much you have no idea.

Love,
Val

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


Just take it a day at a time. See what happens....

My cousin several years ago decided to marry her college sweet heart. No big deal, right??? Wrong.... he happened to be black. It was her father that raised all kinds of hell over it [GA.] . It got so bad that rumor was my Aunt & Uncle almost got a divorce because of it. Needless to say, they never did. My cousin married her man and they now have 3 kids.

My siblings and I only met him one time at my Mom's funeral. We could care less if he was black, white, pink or purple, he was a nice mannerly person. At the dinner table we could tell he was sooooo uncomfortable. Actually, that would have been an understatement. But we did our best to make him part of the conversation and not make it awkward for him. I kinda felt sorry for him because he felt so out of place but he was a trooper. As time went by, he finally loosened up & enjoyed himself. Of course, My Uncle didn't help much but at least he was cordial towards him.

The point is, even though her father was totally against it, in time he finally accepted it. And that's from a hard core Georgia man from the "old school" so to speak.

Good luck with what ever you choose. Play it by ear and go out on a date. It may not work out any way, but at least you made the decision to try & see. Parents love us unconditionally, most of the time. If it just so happens to turn into something serious over time between you two, worry about your parents at that time.

Originally posted by QUANTUMGR4V17Y
I'm going to be as honest as possible.


1.) You're 27 years old asking permission to go on A date with a man from your mother and step-father.....? 2.) You don't know if this man will fall in love with or completely loathe you yet, you've talked for a semi-brief period of time in a public place. Yet, you're already feeling the need to spread the love of your "new interracial relatonship" to family...

Be real for a moment, think about it without getting your emotions all twisted up. You're only in the pre-dating stage, you're not even in a relationship and you're already driving yourself, seemingly, insane with anxiety about this subject.

You need to take a step back, tell this guy to hold on a moment, and think about all of this in depth... Absent of emotions. Because it is clear that his skin color isn't the only thing that is plaguing you with anxiety at this point.

I'm not trying to spread the love of my "new interracial relationship" to family. I called my mother like I would with any other interesting story this one just happened to be in regards to a man I met who happens to be black.

Like I stated in my post, it is just A date. I am fully aware of that. This is no "relationship" yet in the terms that people generally define relationship.

To define this let me be clear.

re·la·tion·ship   [ri-ley-shuhn-ship]
noun
1.
a connection, association, or involvement.
2.
connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3.
an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4.
a sexual involvement; affair.

I'm speaking of number 1, and offered the experience with co-workers to explain my great anxiety from her reaction to "My love for my new interracial work relationships"