Concerning male bonding

Hi everyone, I know this isn't the best place to ask this sort of thing....but there are many people on here that are on the same wave length as me...so your opinions are important.

Here it goes in a nutshell,
I'm a 25 year old guy (just so that you know)...and my entire life I've struggled with forming a close male friendship. I've pushed them away, I've created CONSTANT excuses not to make plans, I was afraid of having a close partnership.

Because of this, my development differed slightly to the other guys of my age....I never got that sensation of 'belonging' with my fellow friends, my growth lacked that important bit of communion. There was that empty, confused hole in my brain. Since this had gone on since I was only a small child, by the time I was in high school...those emotional needs (that I never fulfilled) became distorted and developed into sexual desires.

I'll spare you all the chaos this created...but basically, this point in time, I've come to understand myself far better. It came with self acceptance...it was an amazing feeling of release and understanding.

Since that discovery, so many of my past personal problems have been resolved and understood.
I told this information to a (recently) close male peer...he was hugely happy for me, and because of that, we've been close.

Question: What are the limits of male bonding? Where does one draw the line? I'm saying this because I don't want to inappropriately touch him in a way that will offend him (especially since he knows my situation)
Also, I'm never sure how to react when playing rough with another guy (strictly playing around)...I try to watch other males interacting...and it leaves me confused.

I've created this...persona, a persona that doesn't know how to create a normal male friendship...I destroy it by overanalyzing it. How does one get close to another guy without making a mess of things? How do other males perceive relationships with one another? I know that they're important, but I've become lost in thought with this issue.

Because of my...personal discoveries, its been easier to make friends...but I still don't know how to deal with my male friendships...because I haven't had much practice in the past with this.

If you can figure out what I've been trying to get out, (had no idea how I was going to write this ) a personal story or words of wisdom will help!
Thanks for listening.

So, you're saying you're gay and you don't want this to interfere with a male friend of yours?

Sounds like you still haven't admitted it, if you're skirting the issue.

reply to post by Brad-H


Hi Brad!

Just hoping you are being sincere and honest here, but I'll take it that you are!

I got brought up in a totally disfunctional family without my mum or real dad being there. Even at 46 I still have issues in exactly the way you describe, yet with both sexes!

Did you have a reasonable father figure in your life when growing up?

There is an area of psychology called transactional analysis. In a nutshell it relates that in all our communications we come from one of three angles: parent, adult and child (all of these all through our lives). It also relates that in our "parent" persona we act accordingly to the role model of our parents. Simply, we copy our dads unconsciously and they are the role model our unconscious expresses.

If we have no male role model when we are growing up then our unconscious has great problems defining a role. That is what you and I are going through?

I think it's a good thing you have spotted these issues and are now taking conscious control of this. I am sure you are a very decent guy as I see a lot of sensitivity in your post.

I can't really offer any more help than that. I am struggling away still with this one. I have greap problems in trusting others (family and friends) through bitter let downs and experiences. I live in constant hope and optimism though.

It is all down to how we want to express ourselves and the way others feel about that in our personal relationships. All mighty hard work and seems to grow ever more confusing!

Respect from me to you, one guy to another. Bless you.

So, you're saying you're gay and you don't want this to interfere with a male friend of yours?

reply to post by mainidh


I've been with girls before so that's why I hesitated to use the word 'gay'. I've pinned it down to 'unresolved childhood issues'...I suppose.

reply to post by Revolution9


Thanks for your response. My dad was there, but I don't seem to remember too much interaction. He was travelling often, not always at home. He was a good dad, but a reserved character.

Thanks for mentioning transactional analysis, I'm going to do a bit of research on it.

I know what you mean by having no male role models, my biggest problem in that regard, I think, was that I had nobody acknowledging me as a male...so yeah...my male identity was non-existent. I wish you the best, I get an idea of what its like.

one guy to another....thanks for the response.

Why would you put so much stock in having friendships with other men? Why would that make you feel "incomplete"? If I were you, I'd be more concerned about how you interact with women. That's been on my mind ever since I can remember and through all the thinking and doing, I'm STILL learning about women. And I really don't see how having friendships with other men can help you understand women. As if any of them would know.

I guess some guys feel that if they form bonds with other men that will help them understand women better? I don't know but that logic escapes me. I can understand asking someone for advice when you're in a bind, we've all been there at some point, or having a few beers over a football game, but I really don't see the use in hanging out with guys all day long. Why would you WANT to form a close friendship with another man? Sounds kind of gay to me.

Maybe that's why I never connected with men and always came across to women as being "different from all the other guys". It's because I never was "one of the guys" and it's always worked out well for me. I'd rather have the attention of a woman focused on me then a man any day of the week. That should be self-evident by the way I carry myself. I may joke around with people, but at the end of the day, at this point in my life, I go home alone. I don't see myself as being better than any other guy, just leave me alone. I've got better things to do with my time then hang out with you all day long.

And to all you other women out there? Sorry. Been there....done that....didn't work out in the long run and that's why I have tunnel vision right now. Talk all you want, rumor all you want, it's not gonna get you what you want. And it's that kind of focus and dedication that a man can only acquire when he's always been the "lone wolf" type. Keep hanging around the pack long enough and it's going to dumb you down and make you lose sight of your priorities. And I know there's one person out there who knows exactly what I mean And from one guy to another OP...if you lose sight of your priority, your priority might lose sight of you.

And even the thought of that hurts.

So my advice to you OP? Quit trying to be "One of the guys". It's not gonna do you any favors in the long run because they're too competitive in business matters and getting the hottest looking chick. Sorry, but I don't need to compete with any guys to get to the top of either one those mountains.

All my life I have not been able to keep male friends for very long, all the male bonding stuff I really was not interested in, I found myself just pushing them away.

So that left me to hang out with all the girls and being heterosexual, that was not a bad thing at all….. I also still prefer to hang out with girls.

I could never get why guys wanted to go to the pub and play pool and eventually fall down or vomit on themselves – when I was at a ‘girl-friends’ place watching movies with a bunch of girls and being told how much of a beautiful and understanding man I was…. Geez, I used to make out with a few girls at every gathering…. SO STUFF MALE BONDING, give me girls anytime!

Mickierocksman

Mainidh hit it on the head. Keep touching to handshakes..high fives and you should be ok. Hugging is reserved only for your team winning the big game and even then..beer should be involved.

Originally posted by Brad-H

So, you're saying you're gay and you don't want this to interfere with a male friend of yours?

reply to post by mainidh

 

I've been with girls before so that's why I hesitated to use the word 'gay'. I've pinned it down to 'unresolved childhood issues'...I suppose.

edit on 23-7-2012 by Brad-H because: (no reason given)

Take no offence but you should consider that you may be gay, and the unresolved childhood issues could be what is making you have an issue with this whole male bonding thing. And there are plenty of gay men who have been with girls, in fact even married them. I do not know if such things last, some have I think, but it not like its far out of left field for gay men to have had relationships with straight females stranger things have happened, and there are some females who go for that...so ya.

Really unless you disclose what your unresolved issues are then we can only speculate as to why you have problems bonding with other men, in fact most dudes do not really bond, nor do they work at it. It just sort of happens, the fact that you had no male figure all that much in your life could be a great factor in that, as males and female mind-frames and ways are completely different. Really you would be surprised how much things are picked up when young depending on the people in your life, and the people you hanged around with, and I ain't talking about just mannerism. But pretty much your whole mode of operating is impressed on by such factors when young.

As for hanging with the guys, there is nothing to hard about it. It all comes down to who can do and say the stupidest stuff, and make the most fart jokes, really there is nothing special about it a lot of it is just pure exaggerations and stretching things beyond there limits. Everything is just that, just messing around about stupid stuff, really there is not over analysis on anything in fact there is no analysis period, if you have to analyse things then probably you would be best hanging out with the fairer sex as that is what they are about and how they operate. And in the greater scope of thing how they can only be.

What are the limits of male bonding?

Usually when they try to punch you in the face that means you crossed some sort of boundaries.

Where does one draw the line?

I'f you have to ask then try to put that line not to close.

And remember there is nothing wrong with a little bromance, just as long as its all fun slapstick silliness. But remember to keep all hands and feet or any other appendages in the car at all times, as if they stray and reach for certain places were they are not welcome, they will be removed. And if it becomes serious, then well its a whole nother thing, and you should be considering a whole nother approach to both yourself and this whole thing. Really I think you need to define to yourself what you mean by male bonding, because no one can really tell you, but you.