Time to get used to lying.

Here's a piece of advice cooking up in my head that I think I'm going to start giving to everybody I have a conversation with. You know, something to maximize convenience.
Never, ever admit to doing (or not doing) anything, unless the result of not confessing would cause harm. Otherwise, the other person will be upset, and you will be needlessly hurt by the anger, and the day will be ruined for both of you.
I'm a bad liar. In the interest of avoiding pointless suffering, I've decided to stuff my overly sharp conscience and get used to dishonesty. It is said that confessing to doing something wrong is bad because you're only trying to relieve your own guilt, and the other person doesn't deserve the pain of knowing. That's all the reason I need to keep my mistakes secret. The last thing I want to do is be selfish in the interests of being truthful.

This rant brought to you by someone who hates emotional overreaction as much as anyone and wishes there was a way to avoid it without committing a second wrong. There is no such way! This is an imperfect world that can be fought only by imperfect means.

reply to post by EllaMarina


Liar.

reply to post by EllaMarina


Not saying I agree or disagree; but there goes your credibility on this site...

reply to post by EllaMarina


This is ridiculous. Truth is a always better and healthier way to live. It might be hard to get there, but it is worth it. Lies need to be sought out and brought to light - just because it is painful for a while does not mean that it isn't worthwhile in the end.

Originally posted by darkbake
reply to post by EllaMarina

 

This is ridiculous. Truth is a always better and healthier way to live. It might be hard to get there, but it is worth it. Lies need to be sought out and brought to light - just because it is painful for a while does not mean that it isn't worthwhile in the end.

^ That IS the truth. . .

Holding onto lies hurts your emotional state, which in turn hurts others around you because you can't be happy enough always holding onto guilt. It is not selfish to remove quilt. It is selfish to lie in the first place. Coming clean is the first step to healing the situation, and sometimes the only step needed. Time will do the rest.

I think the OP needs to come clean about something. I will not defend your position here..

"He's holding back, he's hiding..
but what I can't decide.
Why won't he be the king I know he is,
The king I see inside..."

I can sense when people are lying and when I sense this and confront them and they continue to lie I can no longer trust you. Damage done until you come clean.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

I have no knowledge of the Watergate break-in....I’m not a crook. I’ve earned everything I’ve got!

I will bring the troops home and end this war!

I invented the internet!

We did not, repeat, did no trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we!

No no, I'm not talking about false claims and empty promises. Good lord. My post was exclusively referring to refusals to confess.

I was indeed in a state of great annoyance when I wrote that rant, I should add... and, Darkbake and Dustytoad, I agree with both of you.

A few days ago, I read through a forum thread filled with the opinion that people should never confess to cheating, because they're just out to relieve their own guilt and are therefore selfishly placing all the pain on their partners. That rubbed me the wrong way, and I felt the need to bust out to the world with, "You know what? Let's just never admit to doing anything, if that means you won't have to be hurt by the truth."

reply to post by EllaMarina


Being DISHONEST is never the way, ever, no matter what sort of emotionally charged scenario Believers in Lying can offer... and we know now that most people seem to think it is Okay to Lie because they Expect it from everyone.

If you speak only the truth and people have problems with that.. the problem is Their's... not your's.

So do not empower dishonest people to continue their unbalanced behaviours in your presence.. speak up, say what has to be said and have No Fear.

Name their Drama so that it is out in the open for them to see and recognise.. to do the opposite is to shrink yourself to save other people's comfort zones... their Issue !

I have always disagreed with the idea of lying in order to not hurt someone's feelings. I feel that we should all have the truth and we should be allowed to process it how we chose. If you lie to me so I won't be upset, you may have good intentions, but you've effectively taken away my choice to feel how I chose. What makes it your responsibility to decide what is best for me? I have a right to be upset or happy etc. We all process things differently and no one should limit someone elses experience by deciding for them.

The true issue is the fact that many people don't really want to hear the truth because it forces them to confront things that are incongruent with their false sense of reality.

Originally posted by EllaMarina
The last thing I want to do is be selfish in the interests of being truthful.

Wouldn't it be easier and make more sense to just avoid doing things that hurt people--and continue to tell the truth

reply to post by EllaMarina

A few days ago, I read through a forum thread filled with the opinion that people should never confess to cheating, because they're just out to relieve their own guilt and are therefore selfishly placing all the pain on their partners. That rubbed me the wrong way, and I felt the need to bust out to the world with, "You know what? Let's just never admit to doing anything, if that means you won't have to be hurt by the truth."

What a line of BS!

People shouldn't confess to relieve their own guilt for what they did wrong, they should confess because they know that their partner deserves the truth!

It's not selfish to admit the truth knowing it will cause someone pain, it's selfish to keep if from your partner so they can make up their own mind how to deal with you. You know what's selfish? Hiding the truth to save yourself from a tongue lashing that you're probably deserving of. Selfish that your partner doesn't know the truth for fear that they will leave you.

This is all about saving yourself and your relationship by hiding things. This isn't protecting your partner from anything. Your partner deserves the truth and the right to make their own decision about the actions of those that they're spending their life with. An unselfish person would allow their partner that right.

reply to post by Deetermined


Exactly my own thought!
As well as to everyone else. I'm glad to find reasonable people here.

Originally posted by EllaMarina
A few days ago, I read through a forum thread filled with the opinion that people should never confess to cheating, because they're just out to relieve their own guilt and are therefore selfishly placing all the pain on their partners.

Do not listen to those people.

If they are the cheaters and insist they're working through it on their own .... well thats not what relationships are about. Now they're not only cheating physically but also cheating their partner out of the partnership. It's bound to fail in the long run anyway.

I do understand temptation however, and can come up with quite a few scenarios one might make that mistake.... you can't change whats done, but you can own it.

If you're honest with yourself and your partner, then the surrounding issues can at least be dealt with. It might not save this relationship (depends on what lead to it) but lower the probability of a repeat scenario in the next one.




If those people in that thread are the ones who are cheated on and they prefer to be lied to - they should really ask themselves "why" preferably in the presense of a licensed therapist. Ignorance might be bliss, but they're going to pay for it real hard when that high wears off.


I am more likely to leave someone who lies to me, than someone who cheated and was honest about it.

Originally posted by darkbake
reply to post by EllaMarina

 

This is ridiculous. Truth is a always better and healthier way to live. It might be hard to get there, but it is worth it. Lies need to be sought out and brought to light - just because it is painful for a while does not mean that it isn't worthwhile in the end.

I made a mistake at work once, I had a choice... be honest and come clean or lie and cover it up...

I went the honesty route as it's how I've been brought up, the result... I lost my job.

The best part of it is, if I hadn't come clean, no one would've known, the bosses were totally oblivious. So tell me now honesty is always the best policy, I learnt the hard way.

reply to post by Mister_Bit


I would rather have integrity than work for someone who doesn't value it.

I totally see what your sayin...I have to lie to keep peace somtimes

Originally posted by Mister_Bit
I made a mistake at work once, I had a choice... be honest and come clean or lie and cover it up...

I went the honesty route as it's how I've been brought up, the result... I lost my job.

The best part of it is, if I hadn't come clean, no one would've known, the bosses were totally oblivious. So tell me now honesty is always the best policy, I learnt the hard way.

To live Honestly requires much Strength of Character because it does take a toll due to other people's reactions.

But it is better to Stand Strong than to cower and follow the negative traits expected of us all.

Short term thinking (your story) sees only negatives, long term perception sees only Positives in each 'negative' to grow from.

Originally posted by Mister_Bit

Originally posted by darkbake
reply to post by EllaMarina

 

This is ridiculous. Truth is a always better and healthier way to live. It might be hard to get there, but it is worth it. Lies need to be sought out and brought to light - just because it is painful for a while does not mean that it isn't worthwhile in the end.

I made a mistake at work once, I had a choice... be honest and come clean or lie and cover it up...

I went the honesty route as it's how I've been brought up, the result... I lost my job.

The best part of it is, if I hadn't come clean, no one would've known, the bosses were totally oblivious. So tell me now honesty is always the best policy, I learnt the hard way.

Did you end up with a new job eventually? Losing a job might not be a bad thing, for example, it is similar to losing a friend who is not healthy for you. Eventually he or she will be replaced by someone who is, if that is what you are looking for, and you will be better off. And often the best friendships are those where people are able to be honest with each other, as I imagine is the same with the best jobs.

Like Tayesin said, there are often long-term consequences that result from choosing a life of lies or a life of truth.

Even so, I can see the value of lying in some situations. Just remember that it can come with a price, so take that into account.